


Teach Me How to be Yours

by Jay2Noir



Series: Teach Me Trilogy [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Angry Kylo Ren, Birth Control, But work with me here, Cunnilingus, Dominant Kylo Ren, F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, Forced Marriage, Forced Pregnancy, Forced Prostitution, Foster Care, Freezing, Hostage Situations, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Infertility, Jealousy, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Loss of Virginity, Master/Slave, Masturbation, Medical Procedures, Mild Smut, Morning Sex, Naked Female Clothed Male, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Original Character Death(s), POV Kylo Ren, Physical Abuse, Porn With Plot, Protective Kylo Ren, Rape/Non-con Elements, Revenge Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Slavery, Spit As Lube, Stockholm Syndrome, Tag As I Go, Torture, Uncircumcised Penis, Voyeurism, Water Sex, Wet Dream, Wetting, Who's The Father?, baby fever, cardiac arrest - Freeform, prologue sucks, surrogate parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-09-21 20:41:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 33
Words: 148,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9565463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay2Noir/pseuds/Jay2Noir
Summary: You were just the one who took care of the girls, made sure they were kept clean and had their spirits as high as they could be while being whores. Until one day The First Order requests a special girl, and Larkin sends you instead of one of your sisters to service the lonely Commander himself. Your life becomes survival day in and day out, and soon you feel like Kylo Ren sees you as more than just his slave girl. Will you make it out with your sanity and dignity, or at the very least your life?Tagging as I go, but please pay attention to them to avoid any confusion.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> 12/6 Update  
> Teach Me has also been posted on [Wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/story/129709830-teach-me-how-to-be-yours-kylo-ren-x-reader). I've also created a [Pinterest](https://www.pinterest.com/jennifernoir/teach-me/) board for this story and the rest of my fics. Check them out :]

Your role in his business was important. No, you weren't one of the whores, no, you weren't one of the sellers. You were, well, you. When Larkin started his whore house on your home planet Oceri, he had taken you and two other girls as his “starter whores” as he called you. However, it never seemed like anyone wanted you. There was nothing wrong with you, of course. Larkin considered you his favorite and actually found solace in the fact that everyone always picked Evelyn or Giana as their mates for a night. When they'd come back from their “work” you were always there to console them, rub their hair and hold them close, tell them everything would be okay. Oddly enough, Larkin appreciated that from you.

You kept the other girls clean, made sure they ate, and were just a general friend to them when they were feeling bad about being forced into prostitution. One day, when you noticed Giana hadn't bled in two months, you decided to go speak with Larkin about the matter. He instantly wanted to kill her when her pregnancy test came back positive, however you convinced him to spare her and the child, that he could later sell the child on the black market (which made you cringe, but it was better than killing Giana). Although you had to look away in disgust when he'd whore her out to men and creatures who claimed a “pregnancy fetish.” And when she'd come back you'd make sure both mother and baby were good.

Once the child was born, you had taken on the role of mother to him. Larkin looked over you extremely pleased as you rocked the crying child to sleep, you could feel his slimey grin on the back of your neck and knew he was watching you. He placed a hand on your shoulder, then instructed you to place the child in its crib. “Your so good with children, y/n.” He took your chin in his hands and tilted your head up to meet his gaze. “Maybe one day you'll be good enough to carry my own.” Ice ran through your veins, down your spine. Three years you had been forced to nurse girls back to health under Larkin, and during those three years you had never been touched or spoken to inappropriately, to which you saw yourself fortunate. But now, as Larkin held you in his giant, rotund hands looking over Giana's son, you grew afraid of him. “You are perfect. I can't imagine anyone else.” He dropped your chin and placed a light kiss on your forehead, turning and leaving without another word, leaving you and Giana's son staring at each other wondering what just happened.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes Larkin had just struck a deal with a representative of the First Order. They had come to him hours earlier looking for a girl, but not just any old whore, one who could take a beating, one who was dainty and could love a monster. Larkin looked at them confused, scared even that the First Order would take his business and his girls. But the representative was only repeating what was told to her by General Hux, who repeated what was told to him by The Supreme Leader, who repeated what was told by him by none other than the Commander himself, Kylo Ren.

The man was lonely, desperate for some companionship. After several arguments with various first Order staff, some of which ended in violence or even death, his master, Supreme Leader Snoke, noticed a force signature radiating off of him consisting of loneliness and depression and could even sense he had been softly crying earlier that day. He reprimanded him, telling him there was no time for friendships in the First Order, reminded him that he had a job he needed to be doing and moping around wasn't going to get that job done. Kylo nodded his head, turning to walk out when he was stopped by Snoke. “This, this is about your childhood isn't it?”

“Yes, supreme leader.” Kylo said with an exasperated sigh. “Your parents never loved you, never let you have any friendships or relationships. Is that so?” Kylo was grateful of his helmet at that moment, his master would not be able to see the hurt on his face.

With a heavy sigh, the Supreme leader knew he couldn't just let his apprentice carry on like this, he needed him vengeful, angry, and confident. And by judging his pupil right now, he could only think of one thing that would boost his spirits. “What is your ideal woman?” Kylo's pupils expanded once, twice, three times before he grasped what Snoke had in mind for him. Kylo wanted someone that would love him, someone to show him some compassion. Snoke took this into consideration, adding two things that he figured would make Kylo happy for three days, then dismissed him without telling him anything about his master plan.

“So, can you aid the First Order or not?” The Representative looked at Larkin in annoyance. He stumbled, looking through the files of all 20 girls he had control over. He wasn't sure, but he didn't want to just hand over one girl and then get killed because she didn't meet the First Orders needs. He was just about to close the book when he caught sight of you walking down the hallway to the childs room, cradling the small boy in your arms. _Dainty, lovely, could take a beating well, and even virginal._ “Why, yes. I can help the First Order.” He smiled, the sum of what they were ready to pay for you was worth it to him, to go without you for three days was nothing compared to how fat his pockets were going to be once you came back.

“We may be interested in keeping her around afterword, if that is the case we'll be sure to come to an agreement about pay with you, Mr. Larkin. Have the girl be ready in an hour, we'll pick her up in a command shuttle. Larkin shook the girls hand, that same slimey smile spread across his face. Sure, when Daniel, his business partner and your friend, found out he would be angry, but who could pass up a huge opportunity like this? Larkin wasn't even worried about the prospect of you being kept by the First Order, for whatever reason he didn't consider that a threat. He was confident they'd have you back in three days.

“But, why did you pick her? She's not been a whore, she's never had sex, no experience whatsoever! She'll get killed by those monsters and we'll get her back in a body bag!” Daniel raged on at Larkin, still not understanding why he'd give away the one thing that he believed kept this business going. “Hush, Daniel. She'll be fine, I have been assured. We have nothing to worry about.”

“Well have you even told her? Is she getting ready to leave now?”

“Yes, she is preparing to board the shuttle now.” Larkin lied, he knew if he told the truth, that you were oblivious to what was about to happen to you, he'd rush over and try to white knight you away. Larkin knew he cared a lot about you, that he'd even one day try to bed you, to make you his in the most gentle way possible.

Daniel stood up, “I'm going to-”

“No, Daniel. I need you to oversee room 201, Giana is in there and has been there for several hours and I'm worried about her.” He went stiff, turned his head slightly to acknowledge his boss, then nodded.

“Y/n?” You jumped as you were cleaning the bathroom, a mechanical voice coming from behind you, seemingly out of nowhere. “Y-Yes?” when you turned around you were faced with two men in white armor, Larkin, and someone dressed in all black that had an outfit like a lieutenant. “Come with me please. We are here to escort you to Kylo Ren's Command Shuttle.” Your eyes scanned everyone standing in front of you, looking for answers. You weren't a whore, why were you even leaving the compound?

“Step forward, _y/n._ ” Larkin called out to you from behind the crowd, but your feet wouldn't move, frozen in fear. You could hear your heart beat in your ear drums, and didn't know what to do when the lieutenant voiced her annoyance with you. “For god sake, just take her. We don't have time for this.” The two stormtroopers walked up to you and forcefully grabbed a hold of your arms, dragging you out of the bathroom. The girls you took care of all watched in horror as the small crowed made its way through the common room and out the door, you kicking and screaming in the middle of it all. You could hear some of them gasp, whisper your name to each other, but there was nothing you could do to console them, there was nothing you could do to console yourself either.

You were led outside where you saw a giant shuttle waiting for you, it had two wings that stuck straight up out of its center. “Where are you taking me?” You asked over and over again, no one stopping to acknowledge you whatsoever. The storm troopers dropped you down in a chair, pressed two buttons and then two metal arches trapped your hands and feet, rendering you completely immobile. “Stop struggling, whore.” One of them said, then struck you across the face with his blaster, causing you to see stars. You let your head sag over your right shoulder, willing your sight to come back to you. When it did, you saw another storm trooper in your field of vision. “Your services are needed on board the Finalizer.” You blinked, _my services?_ “Um, I don't-You've got the wrong girl.” You stammered, you weren't a whore, not by a long shot. Both Daniel and Larkin made sure you knew you were never to be sold and never to be called a whore. One of the troopers chuckled. “They grabbed a dumb one for him? He wont be pleased.” They began to walk away behind you, and as much as you craned your neck you couldn't see past the seat you were strapped to. “Do you think he'll let us have a turn when he's done?” Another chuckle.

You wanted so badly to know who “he” was. Not that it would do you any good, you realized as you twisted your wrists in your confines. From the stories you heard from your girls, you knew their “clients” were never nice, including various types of pain in their treatment of your girls. But never in the last 3 years have you ever seen a girl dragged out of the building and strapped forcefully into a huge shuttle to go meet her client. You shivered, who ever this man was was not going to let you off easy.

More tears spilled down your face as you felt the shuttle shake to life, then slowly rise into the air. You couldn't for the life of you figure out what you had done to deserve this, you were content to being a care taker for the rest of your life for Larkin, you'd never even think about running away, or helping any of his girls get out, why was he punishing you like this? The shuttle shook, startling you for a second and you realized it was now traveling at hyper speed. You instantly felt sick, what little food you had eaten began to tumble dangerously around in your stomach and you had to hold back the bile rising in your throat. You couldn't tell if it was the hyper speed or your anxiety.

Eventually you felt the shuttle come to a stop, the storm troopers came around to release your restraints and took a hold of you just like before, hauling you out of your seat and out of the shuttle. You could tell you were on a Star Destroyer, and you knew they pretty much only belonged to the bad guys of the universe, but what could they possibly want with a quote un quote whore from Oceri? Didn't the bad guys have their own girls they could fuck whenever they wanted to? Your face fell flat as you realized: Obviously not.

“Medbay, stat.” Said one of the troopers behind you. “March, whore!” You were probed between your shoulder blades by a blaster and made to move as quick as you possibly could. The hallways were made up of nothing but black and grey colors, the people whose faces you could see stared, looking at you from your little black sandals, to your white gown, to your e/c eyes, to your h/c h/l hair. Some snarled at you, some smiled deviantly at you, some pitied you, and you could only assume the people with helmets on their heads were doing the same as they passed you as well.

They brought you to a hospital, or at least what looked like a hospital, and presented you to some medical staff. “Is this the, the uh...” The doctor spoke, looking down at the clipboard, then at you nervously. “This is the _whore_ , doctor Gnash. She needs a full medical evaluation, and make it quick, she needs to be in his quarters as soon as possible.” The same Lieutenant from earlier growled at him. “Lift her onto the examination table.” She commanded and the troopers complied, you squeaked in their rough treatment of you. “You may want to tie her down, doctor. She's very wiggly.” The Lieutenant shot you a wicked grin, then walked out of the room.

“Alright, I want Edmonson to perform her cranial evaluation. Teddy, you draw her blood and collect her saliva, process them as quick as possible. Rover, swab her skin and run the bacterial test. Sylvester, joint evaluation when possible. Raynor, dental evaluation, and I will perform her vaginal exam. If anything comes up abnormal notify me immediately.” Suddenly, everybody in the room moved at once, some moved towards you, some moved away from you, some put on gloves while some opted to grab tools straight away. The storm troopers at your side took your wrists and strapped them down again, the doctor commanded them to grab your ankles and hold them in the stirrups.

“Wait! Please! You have the wrong girl! I'm not a whore!” Your cries fell on deaf ears as someone shined a bright light into your right eye, causing you to shut them tightly. “Eyes open, please.” he said, he looked awkward and uncomfortable, did he know what was about to happen to you? Regardless, you held the lights gaze. A least until you felt a knife at your hip bone, cutting into your panties. “He says he doesn't want her wearing any undergarments. Take these and throw them away.” The doctor handed another assistant your panties, and you blushed as you realized his attention was now on your intimate area. Suddenly, the light clicked off and an even smaller light clicked on. You recognized this tool, it was going to go into your ears. You kept your attention on the doctor, who began to examine you, seemingly massaging your labia and clitoris. He never looked up at you.

Just as you were about to protest once more, you felt a pinch in your arm, causing you to cry. You had never had blood drawn before, and you weren't paying any attention to the needle, only your crimson colored blood that flowed through the tube and into the collection tubes with different colored caps on them. Someone on the other side of you began to swab your hands, then your cheek, then your arm, all the while the same person who was looking in your ears a second ago began poking and prodding your sinuses.

There was so much going on at once, so many people touching you, so many noises, sights, and smells that you failed to notice the man between your legs bring out a speculum and a bottle of lube. Suddenly and not gently at all, he glided the device right into your vagina and opened the hinge. It hurt. You had never ever felt anything like that before in your life. You had seen the tool used before on your girls, and you had seen them wiggle and sweat and take shallow breaths while the thing was inserted, but you had to remember, they were used to constantly having _something_ shoved up their cunt, you on the other hand were not.

You opened your mouth to scream, when someone had swiftly inserted their fingers in your mouth. They were exploring, taking their time to run over each of your teeth, your palate, and your tongue. You felt like you had to fight back, but the needle still in your arm, the fingers in your mouth, and the tool holding your vagina open for anyone to see told you to sit still. “Open her legs wider, please.” The doctor said as he reached beside him to grab a long q-tip. You thought it was a strange request, seeing as though the storm troopers were holding your ankles down and not your knees or thighs. You obeyed as one of them placed a hand on your knee, you didnt want him forcing your legs wider, fearing it would cause more pain.

The needle was removed and replaced with a small bandaid, and the person who took your blood was now replaced with the man who was exploring your mouth, now with a small mirror on a stick and a pick. You tried desperately to focus on what was going on in your mouth rather than the strange sensation of a q-tip being swiped across the head of your cervix. That part didn't hurt as much, just felt different.

The dental exam was over, and now the only person who was still examining you was the doctor. He had removed the speculum, much to your delight. “Is everyone done examining her?” He took a look around the room, everyone nodded. “Did any one find anything abnormal that they need to tell me about?” Those same heads now shook. “Very good. Run your tests and get the results back to me as soon as possible.” He shot you one look, then looked back down at his work. “It's almost over, try to breathe please.” The first person to have shown you any type of kindness in his words, you appreciated him until he shoved his fingers into you, causing you to take another sharp breath. You didn't think the tears were ever going to stop and you wondered momentarily if the other girls had to undergo such torture. If not, you were ready to switch places with any of them anyday.

He removed his fingers just as the nasty lieutenant walked in, taking a long look at you from head to toe. “I trust everything is in order, doctor?” He bottled the q-tips he had used on you and handed him to yet another assistant who quickly exited the room. “Seems to be, she is healthy. We're waiting on the results of her blood, bacteria, saliva, cervical and vaginal swabs, but in my expert opinion she is in great health.”

“When will you have those results back?”

“Hard to say, I ordered them as quick as possible, probably within the next three hours.” The Lieutenant shook her head at him, then pulled some clothing from behind her back and threw it at you. “There's no time for that, if she appears healthy then I will deliver her to him. Put those on girl and get ready to go.” The doctor promptly stood and left the room, his staff following him.

“Go where? To who?” You protested, irritated that absolutely no one would answer any of your questions. “Don't talk back whore! Get dressed, hurry up. I haven't got all day.” You were released from the restraints and sat up, taking the clothes and walking away sheepishly, wobbling a little bit due to her harsh treatment of you. Her eyes never left you. “Well?” She said, you felt a lump rise in your throat, as if you weren't humiliated enough. “Will you please leave?”

“No. Undress now, and that's an order!” She barked at you, you couldn't hide your shame as you lifted your gown above your head, standing in front of her naked with the exception of your bra. You reached for the shirt and lifted it above your head. “No!” She shouted at you, making you drop the shirt to the ground. “He wants you delivered with no undergarments. Remove your bra.” Sighing, you realized you'd have no say in the matter and reached behind you to unclasp your bra.

Now standing completely in the nude, worrying about who was walking in the hallways behind you, you bent over to retrieve the shirt, shimmied it over your head and pushing your arms through. It was a basic black t shirt with a low cut v top with a First Order insignia on your left breast. Next was the leggings, which were just regular black leggings, although you felt like they hugged your backside way too tight. The boots were next, ankle length combat boots that you had to sit on the floor to lace up. When you stood and stared at the lieutenant for further instruction, she looked you up and down once more, a pleased smile settling on her lips, she grabbed you by your arm once more and pulled you out of the room.

This is the story of the Commander and his Slave.

 


	2. Night 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's your first day servicing Kylo Ren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to throw this out with the prologue as well because the prologue sucks. Sorry in advance for the poorly written smut lol. Leave your thoughts in the comments, thanks for the read and I'll see you next week with the next chapter.

You were thrown into a room, motion sensor lights flicked on to tell you you were in someones personal quarters. The lieutenant followed in behind you, grasping your wrist she forced a small packet of pills into the palm of you hand. “He's going to want you to take these, keep them safe. Have fun, whore. See you in 3 days.” And just like that she was gone, and you were left alone, standing in someones one room quarters. To your left was a small kitchen area with a table and two chairs close by, right in front of you was a living area, a couch and a coffee table with a flat screen TV, and to your right was a king sized bed with two bedside tables. Further right were two doors, you could only assume one was a closet and one was a bathroom.

You wrinkled your nose at the bed, not made up at all. Blankets were crumpled around the bed, pillows were at both sides of the bed as if someone had been sleeping horizontally. At first you thought maybe this is where you'd live for the next three days, only leaving to service whatever man people kept referring to. But the bottle of red wine and a half empty glass sitting next to it told you other wise. You shuttered, wondering what was going to happen to you next and when “he” was going to show up, if “he” wasn't already here.

The thought that there was someone else in the room with you sent fear shooting down your spine, and instead of looking for them you took it upon yourself to drop to your hands and knees and crawl to the other side of the island counter, thinking maybe they couldn't find you. You sat on your butt, clutching your knees tight to your chest and trying desperately not to cry anymore. You felt like your body had given enough tears and couldn't give anymore, despite the fact you were now shaking on someone else's kitchen floor.

You didn't know how long you sat there, but when you turned over your shoulder to check to see if someone was actually watching you the door you were thrust into slid open, scaring you almost to death. From what you could see, the person (he?) was tall, dressed in all black robes with black boots and a black helmet that dawned a sliver grille where the eyes were supposed to be. He stood for a second, and when he looked toward the bed portion of the room you darted right for an open cabinet, one that you were probably too afraid to see before hand. You settled yourself inside, once again hugging your knees to your chest and internally sobbing, careful not to make any noise lest he hear you.

“Come out, little whore.” The voice reminded you of the stormtroopers that had manhandled you, modulated and mechanical. “I won't hurt you.” He continued, you could hear him beginning to take steps around the room, boots thundering toward you. “There, there. Don't be afraid, it's just me.” The thunder got louder and louder, and soon the sliver of light disappeared from inside the cabinet, letting you know he was standing right outside. It felt like the blood in your veins came to a complete halt, your skin went cold and clammy as you _knew_ he knew you were in there. “Come on out of there,” suddenly, the cabinet door swung open and you were face to face with a young man; he had black hair, a long, slim face and nose, and had beauty marks peppered all over his face. “ _whore._ ” He snarled at you, seized you by your hair and dragged you out of your hiding spot.

He did nothing but look at you for the first few seconds, his face completely relaxed and unreadable as his fingers coiled in your hair. One thing you noticed about him were his eyes, such a gorgeous shade of chocolate brown with light strands of gold in his irises. In that second, you found yourself wondering if this beautiful man could really harm you like you thought he would.

“Hm. Well you are very small.” He wasn't lying, as tall as you thought he was when he was standing away from you, right now he absolutely towered over you. He yanked your head back, earning a yelp from you and a pop from the vertebrae in your neck. Using his pointer finger on his free hand he pulled your shirt down, exposing one of you breasts. You blushed, biting the inside of your cheek and turning your head in shame. You had never exposed yourself to a man before, and you thought it was unfortunate that you first time was being forced. Tears once more began racing down your cheeks.

Next, he leaned you into him, securing your lower back with his arm as he shoved his fingers into your pants and yanking them down the curve of your backside. With your face pressed into his chest and your palms flat on his shoulders you couldn't do much to protest, not that you wanted to. You _were_ going to be his whore for the next three days. The tears that fell free down your cheeks burned even more now, you considered yourself a lucky member of Larkin's business, up until today when you were being manhandled by a stranger. “At least I know some of these people can follow simple directions.” He said as he covered your lower half again. He was, of course, referring to the lieutenant's orders to deliver you without underwear.

Once again, he took you by the hair, dragging you to the bed that was behind you and throwing you into it. Once you hit the bed you bounced once, you were surprised at the strength he possessed. Who ever he was to the First Order, he must have been high ranking. He stared at you as you began to kick your legs, breathing heavily to try to scoot yourself back as far as you could. In fact, you scooted so far back you almost toppled off the bed, his response was to grab you by the collar of your shirt and haul you back up onto your knees.

“Please don't do this! I'm not a whore, I've never been a whore, this is some sort of mistake!” You bawled, not caring how ugly you looked to him while you were nose to nose. “Don't hurt me, I'm begging you! Let me go!” You wailed, kicked, clawed at his hands, not ready to endure whatever he had in store for you for the next three days. He looked at you quite inquisitively, studying you in the dim light as best as he could. He seemed to consider your words as he released you and you tumbled back onto your ankles on the bed. You gripped the bed sheets and blankets as hard as you could, thinking if you grounded yourself you'd calm yourself down a tad. He took a few steps back, removing his gloves and his cloak, now you could see the muscles in his arms much more clearly, this man was ripped and could probably rip you right down the middle.

“You aren't a whore?” He asked you, looking deep into your eyes. “I promise I'm not. Th-there was a mix up somewhere. You were meant to get one of my sisters, not me! I don't know how to be a whore.” Wiping the snot off your nose, you noticed the subtle twitch in his mouth, the way his pupils dilated slightly, it seemed as though he finally understood what was happening to you. He raised his right arm in the air, flexed his fingers a bit and the lights all went out. The only thing that illuminated the room was the moon from outside the window. “Well, I can help you with that.” He walked over to the bed, and for a second you calmed yourself. You genuinely thought he was just going to help you, to apologize about the misunderstanding and to let you sleep soundly in his bed.

You couldn't have been more wrong.

“To be a whore...” He literally ripped your shirt off your back, throwing the now ruined garment somewhere behind him. You frantically kicked your legs at him once more as he worked your pants down your legs. For the second time that day, you sat exposed, completely naked in front of a stranger. “To be a whore, you lie on your back and you spread your legs.” He hadn't even touched you, but you screamed any way. This was it, this was how and when your virginity was going to be forcibly stolen from you. Twisting your torso, you tried your hardest to get away from him. He grasped your hips and pinned you down, those eyes you thought were gorgeous five minutes ago now now burned with a passion, an evil passion that you didn't care to put your finger on in that moment. Right now, you were focused on survival, trying to prepare your body for the pain that your girls had told you about, for what happens when you lose your virginity.

You watched as he gripped your thighs and opened your legs for you, much like the way the stormtroopers did in the medbay. His eyes were glued to your sex, you thought that maybe he hadn't ever seen a woman like this before, maybe he couldn't ever get a consenting woman in his bed, so he had to pay for a whore, had to pay for _you_.

Suddenly, his head whipped up to you, he met your gaze for two seconds, he looked angry, even angrier than before. “Don't flatter yourself, I've had plenty of women in my bed.”

_How did he-?_

You saw him raise his arm just as he had done before and your eye lids snapped shut. Try as you might, you couldn't open your eyes. If there had been panic in you before, it had now just increased ten times over. “I-I can't see!” He giggled in response to your cry for help. You struggled against his grip, struggled to listen to what he was doing while your eyes were held shut by some unknown force. In the dark, you heard a zipper, a ruffle of clothing. “I've been told this is your first time. Is this true?”

Between sobs and sharp intakes of breath, you nodded your head. “P-please, don't hurt me!” A dark chuckle in response, then at the very edge your sex you felt something rather soft, smooth, and hot. It was twitching, seeming to move up and down, slightly tickling your lower lips. At the same time, you heard some breathy moans from him, if you didn't know any better, you'd think he was pleasuring himself above you.

Then you felt something slightly wet your lips where he had been jerking himself. _Had he cum already?_ No, surely not you thought to yourself. There'd be way more wet if he did, that you were sure of. “It's called precum, girl. I'm just preparing myself for you.” He stopped, you could feel his heat radiating off of him as he climbed the length of your body and settled his pelvis against yours. You felt him place his hands on either side of your head, causing your body to dip down into the mattress. His cock pushed past your outer labia and you instantly felt bile rise into your throat. He rested his soft lips on your cheek and you could feel him smirk against your hot and slippery skin. “This may hurt, little whore.”

He pushed himself into your entrance, not giving a damn about the small incoherent protests coming from your mouth. It was so strange to be filled with something warm and thick, unlike the speculum, and as he pushed himself in further, you found it didn't hurt as much as your girls had described. He exhaled against you, then took another huge breath in as he pulled out, leaving just his head inside of you. Shaking uncontrollably, you settled on just breathing and clutching the sheets to get you through this. If it just felt intrusive and uncomfortable like this, you'd convinced yourself you'd probably live.

On his third thrust you began to feel ill, and your cunt began to feel sore, you felt like you were being stretched wider than you were when he started. Panicking once more, you wiggled your hips as much as you could to try and deter him. “It-It hurts!” You shouted, hoping to catch his attention and to make him realize he was harming another human being. He did nothing but grunt at you, picked up his pace and forcibly snapped his hips into yours. His head hit your cervix, which made you groan in pain, the feeling of the rough cotton from the q-tip coming back to you and causing you to tighten up around him once more.

“Mm, you're so- _fuck_ -so tight!” You grit your teeth and turned your head, trying to ignore the lewd panting and moans coming from above you. At some point, while still trying to fight him, you felt a sharp pain race through your lower half. Starting at your core and seeping down your legs, you knew he had torn your hymen going so fast. You began openly sobbing once more, begging him to please stop and spare you this pain, you didn't know how much longer you could handle it. “Oh, did I hurt you, whore?” He panted between his heavy breaths. “Well, you were a virgin after all.”

Without warning, he sunk his teeth into your shoulder, causing your toes to extend out in agony. You kept repeating in your head, “Why me? Why did Larkin send me?”

“That'll be beautiful in the morning, a beautiful mark on _my_ whore.”

After hearing that and taking into consideration your naked state, your sore cunt, your bruising shoulder and cervix, and your position for the next three days, you determined there was nothing else that could bring your ego down lower than it was right now. So you opted to letting your head fall to the side and focusing on counting his thrusts starting right then. _1, 2, 3, 4, 5-_

He took a hold of your jaw and forced your face up to his. His thrusts went faster, his panting and moaning got louder, he was running his thumb over your face, and all too quickly it all stopped. Stifled moans and a warm feeling in your center told you he had finished, and he had came deep inside of you.

You were mortified, could feel your face burning with red hot humiliation. As he slid out of you, he began placing small kisses all over your face, calling you a good girl and praising you for taking him so well. He rolled off the bed, and you then had complete control of your eyelids once more. Even the dim silver light from the moon outside burned your retinas and you had to blink several times to adjust.

Your entire lower half was sore, on your thighs you could make out his cum, a light fluid with traces of darker colors mixed in. Before it hit you what the darker fluid was, he spoke and answered your question. “More blood than I expected.” You looked up just in time to see him walk into the nearby bathroom, stopping at the sink to clean his dick off. The first thing you noticed was he still had all of this clothes on. You tried to shake the question to the back of your head, but you thought sex was typically done with at least a bare upper or lower body.

When he had turned around you noticed he had neatly tucked his cock away and was making his way toward the bed. “I think its time for you to sleep. You did good for your first night.”

Sniffling, you began to inspect your lap again, trying your best to pretend the man who had just raped you wasn't standing so close and staring at you. “May I-”

“No.” You jumped at the edge in his voice, not caring about what you wanted or needed. But what you wanted was something to clean his rapidly leaking and cooling cum off of you so you didn't ruin his bed. At that point, you felt angr toward him, and when he turned his back to walk toward the kitchen area, you imagined jumping on him and strangling him to death.

“Watch how you think of me, whore.” He snarled as he came back with that packet the lieutenant gave you when she dropped you off. “Do you read my mind?” You asked, this was the second time you had thought something and he answered you out loud, you were becoming weary and began to think about how to change what you think about. “That is of no concern to you. Open your mouth.” He punctured one of the pill holders with fingernail and held one of the pale white pills in between his thumb and forefinger.

“What is that?”

“ _Open_ your mouth.”

“No! I don't know what kind of medication that is!” For all you knew he was about to feed you a cyanide pill. Looking irritated, he seized the hinge of your jaw and squeezed, forcing your mouth open. You wiggled as much as you could out of fear, but that didn't stop him from shoving his fingers down your throat and keeping them there to ensure the pill made it to your stomach.

But wait, something was wrong with you-the pill didn't go down your throat, it went down your windpipe, along with his fingers. You began coughing your lungs up at the intrusion in your windpipe, grasping his wrist you begged as much as you could with your eyes for him to help you. Instead, using the flat of his hand he held your jaw closed, forcing your mouth shut. “Swallow it.” He commanded, but you barely heard him over the sound of your now internalized coughing fit.

Just as your vision started to go black and you could cough no more, the air no longer able to make its way past the pill and into your lungs, he let go of your jaw, catching you as you began falling backward. “You-you're choking?” He asked you, although from his tone it seemed as if he had asked himself. At that point, everything began to move in slow motion. For a split second, there was a look of fear on his face, maybe concern. He moved you so that he was cradling you in his lap, once again sticking his fingers down your throat to try and fish the pill out, but he had no such luck.

A part of you was happy, content. You would suffocate to death here in his lap and not have to spend the next 72 hours with this monster. Your blood would be on his hands, maybe he'd be punished, maybe he'd get slapped with a murder charge and be killed too. He wouldn't live to hurt another girl. The last thing you had seen before your vision blacked over with the bubbles from lack of oxygen was the desperate look on his face, which you would have smiled at if you weren't dying. One final thought crossed your mind; _if he were trying to kill you with the pill, why would he then be so distraught over you choking to death on it?_

A pain in your gut brought you back to life. Your torso flew up with a giant cough, and you saw the pill fly out of your mouth and hit his face, momentarily sticking to his cheek. You heaved in his lap, long, deep breaths to replace your depleted oxygen levels as quickly as possible. Your hands seemed to fly everywhere, trying to figure out if the sight of him holding you so close to him meant you were alive, or had died and gone straight to hell where you were doomed to spend eternity with your captor.

His _fist_ moving from your stomach to stroke your cheek with his knuckles told you two things:

      1. You were, indeed, alive. You had lived through choking on an unknown medication and were drawn back to reality. Now you would have to live for the next three days with your captor.

      2. You were brought back to life because he had _punched_ you in the gut.




You stared at him, what is it that you're supposed to do after being saved from choking? When your savior is cruel, the reason why you were choking, and was now holding you as close as he could while tears welled up in his eyes? It had felt like the galaxy had flipped upside down, you didn't know what was reality and what wasn't anymore.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” He had shifted you in his lap so that you were straddling him slightly, and held your head on his shoulder. You didn't know what to do when you felt your other shoulder start to dampen, yes, he had officially started crying over you. You hated seeing people cry, mostly because you were a sympathetic crier. You just wanted him to stop crying! “I-it's okay. I forgive you. It was an accident.” You cooed as if you were soothing a small child. “You didn't mean to, I'm sure.”

At that comment, something seemed to have snapped in him. He slid you off of his lap and stood you in front of him. “Not that it would have mattered any way, if you had died.” He abruptly stood, on instinct you had taken two steps back but couldn't get out of the way fast enough. You were met with the palm of his hand, slapping you so hard your legs collapsed from under you and you fell to the floor. “You're just a silly little whore, easily replaceable.”

To say you were hurt was an understatement. You felt the lump rise in you throat again, but you talked yourself out of crying. You should have seen this coming from a million miles away. You sat on the floor and watched him walk to the kitchen area, painfully aware of the crusting semen on your thighs now from the way you sat. He returned with yet another pill and a glass of water, commanded you to stand and you followed his instruction. “Take it. Don't choke this time, idiot.”

You did as you were told, your throat burning at the cool water making its way into your empty stomach. “Now get in the bed, I don't want to hear a noise out of you for the rest of the night.” Sadly, you nodded and climbed into his bed, throwing the covers over yourself and getting as comfortable as you could. He stared at you, while his face was rigid and angry looking, you could look into his eyes and still see the hurt, the conflict he held for you. In a flash of black robes, he left the room, blaster door sliding open and closed quickly.

Once again, you were alone. He had chastised you for choking, saw you off to bed, then left as if he was tucking a child into bed. You shifted to try and comfort yourself, but found you couldn't. Nothing was comfortable about sleeping in the bed you were raped and almost died in. You still didn't let the tears make their way out of your eyes, there was no point in crying over the situation. All you could do to sleep was plant the false hope in yourself that tomorrow would be better, that day one was now over and you only had two more days to go before your pseudo-freedom was returned to you.

 


	3. The Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo begins to show the reader kindness but she's still a bit weary of him, especially since she doesn't know who he is and his position in the First Order.

You awoke with a jolt. What you had experienced wasn't exactly a nightmare, more like you found yourself enjoying the body heat next to you that was keeping you warm. Till you realized who it was that was warming you. So your eye lids flew open and your breath hitched, and you moved as far away from him as you possibly could. A sickening thought flew through your head: Who moved closer to who? Surely it couldn't have been you, you were long asleep before he had even came to bed. Could you have moved in your sleep? You shamefully had admitted being so close to him made you feel really good, especially since you still had no clothes on. But no, of course not. You had confidently convinced yourself that the vile monster sitting next to you was the one that moved closer to you, you didn't need him or his body heat.

Before you could get comfortable, however, you noticed the dull ache in your abdomen. You lay on your side and tried to ignore it, blaming it on the fact that you had been punched in the gut earlier that night. It wasn't working, and you rolled your eyes at yourself when you had realized it was not your internal organs bruising, you simply needed to pee. You sat up, wondering if you should wake the man up next to you to tell him you needed to relieve yourself. Looking over, you found you were staring at his back. He was emitting soft snoring noises and slept soundly with both hands under his head. Your eyes flickered up at the time, 3:44 AM. What time did you even go to bed last night, why hadn't you bothered to look at the clock?

No matter, you had more important matters to figure out, like how and when you'd get up to use the bathroom. You could either wake him up, get up yourself, or simply pee in the bed like an untrained child. All of which you felt could carry a heavy punishment, the latter carrying the heaviest. On one hand, if you woke him up that's what you felt like he expected, but on the other what if it wasn't? What if he hurt you for waking him? You shuddered and weighed your other option: If you get up yourself you wouldn't wake him, you could go and do your business without him even knowing. But what if he read your mind (or whatever) and was upset that you didn't ask him?

Your skin began to crawl at these thoughts and wondered how the hell your life became an unsure ball of mess. You were sure that not even your sisters were this conflicted about their own bodily fluids when they were with their clients, and you knew for a fact that when they were with said clients they weren't with them for 3 days-3 hours maybe, never days. Your eyes flickered back at the sleeping man next to you, you didn't even know his name or what he did for the First Order. You had assumed that since his quarters were so small and he was this desperate to have sex he couldn't have been too high up in the ranks. No, surely not. Women were attracted to power, and if there's one thing the First Order had it was power. There were probably dozens of female stormtroopers that the high ranking officers and leaders could have their way with. This man was probably just a technician named something mundane, like Matt.

You held your giggle in as best as you could, not wanting to wake him. You had ultimately decided that your best bet was to just get up and use the bathroom yourself, hopefully if that's not what he wanted your punishment wouldn't be so harsh. You tiptoed around the bed and across the room to the bathroom, careful to close the door quietly and lock it. The bathroom was small, had a simple sink and shower, nothing extravagant. What you found both odd and fascinating was all the hair care products that lined the sink. _What is this guy?_ You thought to yourself, then shook it from your head, it didn't matter at all.

You finished relieving yourself, went to wipe and immediately felt sick. Between your legs smelled like him, like his cock, sweat, and seed. You ran your fingers over the crusted semen and could now clearly see the swirls of your blood mixed with the white. All of that, plus the memories of the night before caused you to heave, throwing yourself off the toilet and spinning so that your head dipped into it to vomit. It wasn't actual vomit, more like spit up. White gooey strands of stomach acid cascaded from your mouth and into the water. You knew it was part disgust and part taking medication without eating.

While resting your head on the toilet seat to try to cool yourself off, you heard the door knob jiggle behind you. You shot your head up happy that you had remembered to lock it, but when you opened your mouth to say “just a minute” to him you felt another wave of nausea hit you. Bringing your attention back to the bowl, you heaved once more. In contrast to the cold you felt from the tiled floor and the toilet, a warm hand rested on your back. You jumped, turned around to see a scowling “Matt” to the right of you. Wait, you had locked the door, right? How did he get in here if you had? You looked at him in fear, you had been too loud and had woke him up! Now you were really gonna get it.

“I'm sorry! I had to use the bathroom but-but then I got sick. I didn't...I didn't...I-” More vomit, this time you heaved so hard black lines appeared in your vision and you felt like you were also going to shit right there on his floor. You rested your head once more on the seat, facing the shower instead of at him. Beginning to sob, you gripped the toilet so hard your knuckles turned white. His hand went from being stationary to moving up and down, almost comforting you.

“Are you quite finished?” The sound of his voice made you jump. You assessed your stomach and determined you weren't going to be sick anymore, answering him with a nod of your head. He had moved you out of the way, flushed the toilet and instructed you to sit on it. You obeyed him, watching as he got a wash cloth and ran it under the water.

He started with your face, cleaning all of the spittle and snot off of your mouth and nose. You admired his look of concentration as he performed his task, but still thought it unnecessary. He then moved to your lower half, taking his time to clean up the mess that he himself had created on you. You sucked in a breath, realizing you were still sore and didn't want him to get too close to your aching cunt. The warm cloth did feel good on you, you had to admit. When he was finished he pulled you up and you thanked him, to which he didn't reply other than to grab you by the wrist and pull you behind him back to bed. Wordlessly, you sat back on your side of the bed and lay there, just waiting for him to roll over and have his way with you as punishment for waking him up.

But the moment never came. Instead, he had lay down next to you on his back and without another word to you fell right back to sleep as if nothing ever happened. You sat puzzled, wondering if that had really just happened. You ran your fingers over your slightly damp lips and thighs just to confirm. Yep, your captor really just took the time to make you more comfortable. It left you with a strange pit in your stomach that you hoped wouldn't cause you to vomit again. Hours ago this man told you it wouldn't have mattered if you lived or died, but minutes ago he was gently wiping the nasty stuff off of your body because he knew you were uncomfortable.

The uneasy feeling in your gut told you that it was best not to be thinking about it right now, that you should be sleeping instead of worrying about “Matt” who was currently not a threat to you. With that thought, you hunkered down once more and shut your eyes. Yearning to be back taking care of your girls and the baby.

 

The next time you awoke the sun was out and you could clearly see around the room. Matt was no longer in bed beside you, but from the sounds coming from the bathroom you could conclude he was showering. You sat up in bed to stretch your toes and sore legs. It quickly hit you that it was the dawn of the second day, and after today you'd only have one day and you could go back home. As if he had heard your thoughts from the bathroom, the water shut off and a few moments later you found yourself burrowing under his comforter and pretending to be asleep.

You heard the door open and heard his quiet footsteps step into the bed room. Through the tiniest slits in your eyes you could see he was standing facing you, his waist wrapped in nothing but a white towel and he was combing through his beautiful black hair. He seemed to be looking past the bed and out of the window, his face holding a neutral expression. Once he was done with his hair he tossed the comb next to you in the bed, causing you to flinch. If he could really read minds he would know you were awake, why was he tormenting you like this?

Then he looked down, began to unfasten the towel the preserved his most intimate area. With a small yelp and in take of breath, you tucked your chin into your chest and held your eyes shut as hard as you could. You had never been this close to a naked man before.

You heard him giggle then he closed the space between himself and the bed. The soft sound of skin rubbing on skin began to fill your ears, and you sat mortified at the thought of him touching himself right in front of your face.

“Good morning.” A low rumble from above you, the pad of a thumb across your lips willed your eyes open. You were face to face with his semi hard cock in the palm of his hand, as if he were offering it to you as a sick gift of some sort.

“M-Morning.” you murmured, beginning to sit up and cautiously scoot away from him. At his own touch he was hardening, your mind ran a million miles a minute processing what was happening and about to happen. You had never encountered a naked and _aroused_ man before.

“Are you hungry?” You thought back to the last time you had eaten, that was the morning you were taken from Larkin. A full 24 hours ago now.

Defensively, you curled his comforter to avoid fueling his obvious perverse thoughts. “No, I'm not hungry.” Your head shook nervously as his hand reached to undo the front of the comforter, maybe you should have said yes. Your innocent mind thought that if you hadn't lied and admitted you were hungry you could have avoided this situation that was unfolding right in front of you.

“But, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, I think you're hungry.” At that point he pulled the comforter off of you and it cascaded like a black waterfall behind him and pooled onto the ground. His hand gripped the back of your neck and he had stopped stroking himself in favor of holding his cock right in front of your nose. You were eternally grateful for not seeing it the night before when he stole your virginity, for it was intimidating. Long, curved, the shaft flushed slightly pink but the head, poking just out of his foreskin, was red and angry. You could see blue veins snaking their way around his shaft, one large one on the bottom pulsating slightly with his heartbeat. It was nestled in a mound of black hair that, when pulled back by his hand, made his cock look all the more longer.

You gulped, what exactly did he have in mind? And why was he speaking to you so nonchalantly about food like you both weren't nude and he wasn't touching himself? Your thoughts however were cut short as he yanked your head back by your hair. He had taken advantage of your mouth flying open in pain and shoved his cock right down your throat. You gagged around him as he held you there, your nose resting in his slightly damp pubic hair. As you ran out of air to breathe you began pounding your fists against his abdomen, the act was futile and you wish you would have paid more attention to his muscled chest, not his cock. He probably felt none of your blows.

He pulled your head off of him and sat there for a second just observing you attempting to catch your breath. As you took in as much as you could, you saw he was about to force you back down again so you dodged, his cock poking you in your eye instead. He growled, once again tightening his grip on you and himself as he brought your head to his crotch. “Be a good girl and take it!” He commanded, however your hands pushing against his thighs and the resistance in your neck stopped him from completing his task. You thrashed and the first few inches wiggled loosely in your mouth, the salty taste of precum beginning to appear on your tongue. You reasoned with yourself that under different circumstances, like a different man or a different setting, you may have enjoyed this, but for now you were free to hate it and hate him as much as you wanted to.

“Stay still and suck!” Suddenly both of your arms flew behind your back, your wrists were pinned together by an invisible force and you found you couldn't move your head anymore. You recalled last night how your eyes were stuck shut, and however it happened it was obviously happening again. There was something you at learned about as a child, something about people possessing the ability to move things, stop things from moving, and read minds. It was right on the tip of your tongue, but unfortunately so was Matt's cock, you didn't want to take the time to remember what it was.

“There we go, good girl.” He started to move his hips, thrusting in and out of your mouth. Moans just like last night began to fill your ears, tears began to fill your eyes as the head of his cock brushed the back of your throat. The gagging from you filled the air and mixed with his deep moans and created such lewd sounds you couldn't stand hearing, they only reminded you of your position as a slave.

Trying to get as comfortable as you could you flexed your jaw which only encouraged him to go faster. “God, you take it so well. You take your masters cock so fucking well!” He spoke from above you, reaching down to swipe up a single tear trickling down your cheek. He used it to rub up and down his shaft, the humiliation hit you like a blow to the chest. “Fuck, I'm gonna cum. Er! I'm gonna-” In one snap of his hips he drowned his cock in your throat. Warm, sticky, cum was pumping from him into you, dripping down your throat and into your painfully empty stomach. You were ever so thankful that he spared you from tasting it yourself.

At the same time he removed himself from your mouth, your wrists and head went mobile again. With an exasperated sigh you fell back into the bed, trying to ignore the fact that he was wiping off his cock with your torn shirt from yesterday. You rolled over onto your side facing away from him, trying your best to cry, heave, and gag the residual taste and feeling of his cock on your tongue. You ran your tongue over your teeth, kicking yourself for not thinking of biting him while he used your mouth to his own accord. _Maybe next time._

You felt the bed dip down next to you, causing you to stop wiping your face free of your own tears and his precum. Your stomach churned when he pulled your hair back from your face and began to stroke you, running the back of his now gloved fingers over your cheek and in your hair. “Are you hungry?” You buried your face in the pillow in disgust. Finally, you realized what he meant the first time he asked, this time he was being genuine. “No!” You shot at him, wishing you didn't look so small, weak, and defenseless to him. “Do not lie to me, girl. And do not make me ask you again.” His fingers curled in your hair. The pressure on your scalp caused you to wince, and in a moment of defeat you nodded your head. You were hungry, and his depraved idea of a meal did not change that. “Verbally. I want to hear you.” His hot breath warmed your ear and dried your tears at the same time, making your skin crawl. You swallowed your pride, you had to eat lest you die in this mans bunker. You reasoned with yourself that making it out alive would be better than dying at his hand.

So you whispered a small “yes” in response and hoped he'd leave you alone. But that was the complete opposite of what he did. Instead, he tightened his fingers, yanked your head up so he could look at you. “Yes _master._ ” As much as you abhorred the man and just wanted him to die, you had to eat to keep up your strength. You'd call him “master” this one time, and when you were properly fed you'd fight him against it.

“Yes, please master.” The words left such a bitter taste on your tongue. He patted your cheek in response and pulled a tablet like device out of his coat pocket (when had he even put clothes on? Were you really that out of touch with your surroundings?), his fingers began gliding across the glass screen. “What do you like? Do you like oatmeal?”

“Y-Yes master.” You couldn't remember the last time Larkin gave you oatmeal, you couldn't even recall what it looked like. It didn't matter, because you weren't going to request something different because that would mean you'd have to talk to speak with him some more.

He hummed, his fingers tapping something on the screen and not paying any attention to you. “Figures someone as worthless as you would like a meal as worthless as oatmeal.” His words felt like daggers to your heart, but you refused to give into his cruelty. You refused to beg him to stop hurting you physically and emotionally. Over and over you told yourself that tomorrow was the last day, and if you could make it through tomorrow with less bruises and marks from him out of disobedience you'd claim a personal victory.

He stood from the bed and walked over to the small table next to the door where his helmet sat. Without looking at you he placed it on his head, the helmet sealing with a click. “Monster.” You murmured under your breath, figuring he was far away enough and his helmet would block the sound. “What was that?” You flinched at the contrast between his modulated and regular voice, also because you weren't expecting him to hear you. Somewhere inside of you, a flame of bravery grew, and in that moment you sat up and locked eyes with the grille in his helmet. “I said you're a _monster!”_

He stared at you, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. You were certain that if he didn't have the helmet on he'd be more intimidating. It seemed like an eternity that your heart was pounding in your ears, waiting for him to cross the room and slap you or worse. But no, he simply turned around and left the room.

You took to crying once more, only this time you were alone so you could wail as loud as you wanted to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy that you guys are enjoying my fic, I was dying for Monday to roll around so I could post this but decided Sunday would have to do cause I couldn't wait.  
> As of the posting of this chapter I am writing chapter 6 now. I'm not sure how long I want this to be but I have a few scenes I know I want to include and I know the ending clearly, its just a matter of connecting them together. I may move to posting twice a week since I'm so far ahead of myself.   
> We will see, for now enjoy this. As always thanks for all the comments and kudos!


	4. Taunt Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our dear reader finally figured out who her captor is, and he has a few tricks up his sleeve for her as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the first time we see things from Kylo's point of view. It's been my favorite chapter so far to write!  
> I'm currently writing chapter 9 now and I think I'm about halfway done with the entire fic.  
> Will most likely end up posting chapter 5 later this week cause this one has a pretty intense cliff hanger ;)

You didn't know how long you sat there moping in his bed. Your sadness and self pity turned from sobs to gentle sniffling, your eyes red and puffy from constantly rubbing them with his sheets. You wished you would have known what went through his mind when you called him a monster. Surely it was anger and rage. He left so quickly and his gait was so stiff, you had assumed you angered him. Fear coursed through you at that moment, you figured he was going to return later to punish you.

However before you spent too much time letting your imagination run wild as to what he could do you to, you stopped to think. Sure, this man had bought you like you were livestock, hit you, said demeaning things to you whenever possible, and, worst of all, _raped_ you twice now. Every single one of those things, plus the fact that he always wore a scowl on his face, made him very much so a monster.

But! Would a monster kiss your face so lightly like he did on your first night? Would a monster take his time cleaning you even after you've woken him up? Would a monster hug you close to him and cry after almost killing you, and then apologize afterword? The obvious answer was yes, lots of psychopaths do things like that, show they care about their captives to earn their trust. You hated yourself even more for thinking that way. But you still couldn't push the memory of him washing you to the back of your mind. His giant, gentle hands holding your chin as he wiped, then your thighs as he was extra careful not to harm you.

You shook your head, in an act of frustration buried your face in his pillow once more. _He doesn't care about you!_ You reminded yourself, after all he _did_ call you worthless and tell you you were 100 percent replaceable. You also had to remind yourself that, even if he did care an ounce about you, you didn't care about him. All you had to look forward to was the day after tomorrow when you could return back to normal. Back to your girls, to Giana's son, to Larkin, and to Daniel.

Just as you began to lose yourself in your thought the blaster doors opened. You sat up thinking he had returned, only to shrink back down in his comforter because it wasn't him.

“Good morning, miss y/n!” A cheerful young woman entered the bunker with a cart in tow. She was shorter than you, wearing a tight black dress with two red lines going down the side, her brown hair was in a tight bun atop her head. “Morning.” You answered, struggling to keep your dignity as you kept the blanked above your chest. “Now now, the commander told me you'd be nude. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.” That was such a strange comment coming from someone you didn't know. Did she just expect you to drop your blanket and spread your legs for her too?

“The Commander? Who is that?” She giggled, then set a steaming hot bowl of oatmeal down on the bed in front of you. “You don't know who the Commander is? Commander Ren?” You stared down at your bowl, it smelled like cinnamon and had three slices of apple on the top arranged in a circle. Your mouth instantly began to water. You shook your head in reply to her, licked your lips as you switched your grip on the blanket to one hand so you could grasp the spoon and dig in. “Well, you certainly know who he is. He's the one who bought you.”

Your grip on the spoon loosened and it went clunking back into the bowl. “H-He's a commander?”

“Yes dear, he's the Commander of the First Order. You don't know who Kylo Ren is?”

 _Kylo Ren_. “He's the force user!” Yes, it had finally come back to you. The Force, it can be used to do many a things; like hold your wrists behind your back or keep your eye lids closed or invade your mind.

You remembered being told about there being a new Commander of the First Order a few years back, the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo who had been seduced by the dark side. He was a murderer! A Jedi Killer! How in the world did you get sold to him of all people in this galaxy? As sick to your stomach you felt at the thought, you lifted a shaky spoonful of oatmeal into your mouth. Going this long without food was bad for you, and you didn't want to disappoint Kylo Ren since he took time to have food sent to you.

“Yes, he can use the force when he sees fit.” You sat in silence trying your best to enjoy both her company and your oatmeal while also contemplating and making sense of everything going on. “He also brought you these to keep you entertained while he's not here.” She laid a pile of books next to you and you stared at the stack. _What would give him the idea that you were entertained when he was here?_

“Can you read galactic basic?” You nodded, setting the bowl of oatmeal down next to you in favor of going through the books he gave you. A History of the First Order, The Rise and Fall of the Republic, the third book he had given to you made your skin crawl. It was a child's book with bright colors painted across the front, a lot smaller with thicker pages, something you'd read to a three year old as a bed time story. It was called I love My Monster.

You set that book to the side, recalling your thoughts from earlier and wondering if this was some sort of subliminal message or something. Then the woman caught your eye, bending over to pick up your clothes from last night. “Did he happen to bring me more clothes?” You asked, your cheeks burning from embarrassment at the realization that once she takes those clothes away you won't have anything to wear. “No, unfortunately not. Just the books and your favorite oatmeal.”

You lifted a brow at her. “My favorite oatmeal?”

She smiled at you as she set the clothes on the cart. “Yep, he said it was your favorite.” You hadn't told him that, you hadn't even thought that to yourself while in his presence. Was he lying to his staff to try to make it look like he cared about you? I mean, you didn't even have a favorite oatmeal.

“Eat your oatmeal dear, he'll be back later tonight. I'll probably see you again tomorrow.” She began to wheel her cart backward out the door. “Wait!” You leaned up and held the arm out to her, letting the blanket fall and exposing your breasts. “Please, will you help me? Help me get out of here? He's...he's a...” You glanced from her surprised expression down at the book about monsters, conflicted on whether or not you wanted to call him a monster knowing she'd report back to him. “He's hurt me.”

She looked at you as tears began to slide down your cheeks, she genuinely looked sad. “I can't help you dear, I'm sorry.” With that, the blaster doors opened and closed quickly and she was gone. You were left alone with your books and your now cool oatmeal, the apple slices sinking into the goop and beginning to look a bit dehydrated. You forced yourself to eat it, ravished the taste and consistency because you didn't know when you were going to eat again.

\---

“Commander Ren?” The officer walked up behind him when she finally spotted him in the hallways of the labyrinth that was the Finalizer. “I delivered the items, just like you asked me to, sir.” He stared down at her, the edge of his lips quirking up in a pleased grin. “How did it go?”

“Well, she seemed very discouraged, sir. Her morale wasn't as high as I expect-”

“She's a whore. Her happiness means nothing to me.” He watched the girl gulp and nervously shift from foot to foot. “Did she eat?”

“She took a few spoonfuls while I was there.”

“I thought I told you to make sure she ate, officer?”

“I did sir! I told her she had to eat, encouraged her to eat. She looked so sad and hungry that I wanted her to eat. It's just, just-”

“Just what?” His patience with her was wearing thin. After losing control of his anger in one of the control rooms and destroying several thousand credits worth of machinery he had spotted the first officer in the hallways and gave her one simple instruction, to follow him. He led her to the library, the word “monster” in her voice repeating itself in his head clouding his better judgment. He picked out three books, two that would educate her of her surroundings and one to taunt her. He didn't know how he was going to achieve his goal with one and a half days remaining, but this book seemed like a good place to start. He wanted her to love him. He had to break her and her ego down to nothing to be able to shape her into what he wanted her to be.

He instructed the officer to deliver these three books to the naked girl in his quarters a long with some oatmeal. He made sure to tell her apple cinnamon was her favorite to make it seem like he had actually taken into consideration the girl's position and to make it seem like she wanted to be there with him. When the words came out of his mouth, they made even him feel a bit better about the situation. He also instructed her to collect her old clothes as a way of dehumanizing her and to make sure she of all things ate.

When he first laid eyes on her he was appalled at how small she was. Yes, he wanted a dainty girl, but not so dainty her hip bones and ribs stabbed him when he held her close. Just based on her appearance alone he figured she was telling the truth about not being a whore, he would have thought one of the most respected whore houses in the galaxy would be better at feeding their merchandise.

“Her situation was just so terrible that I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her!” Kylo looked away from the officer in irritation when she began crying. He had enough of one woman crying for one day, he didn't need to see another. “Compose yourself officer!” He snapped at her, causing her to straighten her stance and wipe her eyes. “I hurried out of the room as to not show my emotions to her and she asked me to help her escape because she said you hurt her. I didn't want to stay, I-”

Kylo turned around at the accusation and ignited his lightsaber. He began slashing, slicing, and dicing the wall behind him not caring who witnessed his melt down. This whole renting a whore to love him thing was not going the way he expected it to, because now even more people were looking at him like he was a-

He couldn't say it to himself. He didn't want people on his own side to hate him, that had been going on his entire life and he thought it was time that _someone_ showed him some love. He thought he was unlovable, thought that he'd die all alone with no heirs and no one at his side. Just the thought sent a knife through his heart and made him saw his lightsaber through the wall once more for got measure. He could still sense the terrified officer behind him, trembling and in need of a new pair of panties and a new dress. Before he could turn around to dismiss her she was gone. One less person that was going to appreciate him as a Commander now.

 

\---

 

You had made the bed once you were done eating your oatmeal, used the apple slices to scoop the remaining oats around the bowl before placing it in the sink to be cleaned. Afterword you noticed there was some clutter around the quarters, particularly on the bedside table and decided to clean that up as well. You organized his hair products in his bathroom by color so it looked like a rainbow on his sink counter. You even decided to make a weak attempt at doing sit ups on his floor. You did anything you could think of that was not reading the books he gave you, that would be giving into his kindness.

The blaster doors opened and in stalked Kylo Ren. You snapped your legs shut and sat up before he could look your way and get an eyeful of you doing sit ups. He removed his helmet and placed it atop its table.

He was sweaty, looked like he had just ran a marathon or something. You wondered what could have happened to him, when he came to you last night he wasn't this un kept. “Stand.” He boomed over you, running his fingers through his hair. You quickly make your way to your feet, a dizzy feeling coming over you as you had been laying on your back for the last half an hour. He looked you up and down, gaze lingering on your breasts. When his hand moved to touch your face you involuntarily flinched, which made him drop his hand and sigh. He looked hurt, like you were the one who had slapped him across the face the night before. You were unapologetic though, he did this to you; that was his own fault.

“Follow me.” He walked past you and into the bathroom, you followed silently behind him. Before going in you took one more glance at the books, wincing at the bright colors of the book about monsters. He began to undress in front of you, you felt small, like a pet. You barely knew this man, yet he was so comfortable with being nude around someone else he knew as well-just like a dog. Who cares if they're naked in front of their pets? They're pets, just like you. Nothing but a pet.

You stood in the corner and watched as he made his way to the shower, turning the water on and holding his hand under the spray, adjusting the temperature to his liking. You shivered at the warmth the steam brought and at how perfect his body was, if he were any other person you'd probably want to be in this situation with him. You'd want to be pinned under him as he pounded you into the mattress, or on your knees in front of him while you pleasured him with your mouth. But you just couldn't be happy knowing you were forced to please a notorious Jedi killer who, by all other standards, was a good looking man.

He held open the shower door and motioned for you to step in. You shook your head, you were frozen in fear of what he was going to do to you in that shower. He couldn't possibly kill you, could he? No, you thought to yourself, but he could have his way with you again. He sighed and rolled his eyes at you, reaching to grasp you by your upper arm. “Don't be silly. You need to be cleaned.” He said as he pulled you into the shower behind him.

He stood you under the warm water while he gathered up the soap and a sponge from behind him. As much as you wanted to enjoy the water gently massaging your sore muscles, you couldn't let your guard down when Kylo began to scrub your collar bone, shoulders, chest, sides, and stomach. You watched as he left soapy trails across your breasts, taking time to rub your nipples with the pads of his thumbs. Your breath hitched and you closed your eyes, pretending it was you touching yourself there, not him. Yes, you were perfectly capable of cleaning yourself, and perfectly capable of playing with your own nipples in the shower. It wasn't Kylo, it was you. You felt your sex heat up, however, when he took a hold of one with his thumb and forefinger, rolling it between his two digits. His other hand rested on your hip as if to steady you. “Doesn't this feel good?” He asked, causing you to open your eyes. “No.” You answered, and it wasn't fully a lie. It would have felt _better_ coming from someone else.

His hand fell from your chest and twirled you around, you watched the white bubbles fall from your body into the drain as your front half was rinsed. He repeated the same actions, only this time he placed kisses on your neck and shoulders. You didn't know what to do when he began to not only kiss you, but massage your neck and back as well. Everything about this situation was wrong. You shouldn't be melting under his lips and hands right now, enjoying the feeling of tension being released under your skin. This man didn't mean to make you feel so good when he didn't care if you lived or died. He was doing this to fuel his own fantasies, not yours. So when you felt his strong arm snake around your waist and in between your legs, his fingers beginning to stroke your clit, you jumped out of his grasp. The seal of his lips broke from your shoulder with a loud pop, he looked at you confused.

“What's the problem?” He asked.

“Please, can I just get clean and leave? I-I don't want this.” You tried to sound as brave and confident as you could, even though you refused to look him in his eye. He was quiet for a second, you were too afraid to look back down, fearing you'd see his angry face or his erect cock waiting for you.

But nothing came, you stood as still and as quiet as you could waiting for him to do something, anything! You felt the air change lightly around you and then Kylo was shoving you out of the shower. With a gasp you grabbed a hold of the counter to avoid slipping and falling. “Take one of those towels and dry off, then wait for me at the dinner table.” Kylo said, leaning out of the shower door. You could tell by the tone of his voice he was irritated with you, but you didn't care. You were just happy you avoided some unwanted sexual contact for once! Silently and happily toweling off, you took one more glance at the shower, seeing Kylo rubbing his hands together and then running them through his hair.

As you sat at the table playing with the hem of the towel, you wondered why you hadn't thought of this before. Why not drape yourself in a towel since he's withholding your clothing? You rolled your shoulders thinking the idea was not that bad, you could stand lounging around in a towel when he was not here. You were just happy to just be covered up after 24 hours!

No more than five minutes after you sat down you heard the bathroom door open and soon Kylo was standing at your side. His hand gripped your towel and ripped it painfully off your now dry body, causing you to squeak in surprise. _Well, so much for that idea._ He moved to sit down, he was dressed in simple grey sweat pants and a black shirt with long sleeves; you had to look away from his biceps because the shirt shaped them so well. He didn't say a word as he pulled out his data pad and began swiping and tapping, his face just as concentrated on his work as it always is. When he set the pad down he crossed his arms and just stared at you, his brown eyes burning into yours as if he were looking for some sort of answer to all of his problems.

“How did you like the books?” He finally broke the silence. You nodded your head nervously, you hadn't touched them because they repulsed you, but should you tell him that? “They were good.” You twiddled your hair, pulling a few strands out as a uncomfortable gesture. “I-I didn't read that far into them, but I-” you grit your teeth but felt like this had to be said. “ _-appreciate_ them, Master.” You internally swore at yourself for calling him that, but his gaze on you had you not wanting to upset him. He nodded, his lips fluttering into a smirk. “You're a good girl. Maybe you'll get your clothes back soon if you keep it up.” He taunted making anger bubble up in your chest. But you bit your tongue back, didn't say anything in reply. Just sat in silence waiting for whatever it was he was waiting for at this table.

The food came 20 minutes later. Some sort of meat dish with broccoli and mashed potatoes on the side. It smelled delicious, even more delicious than the oatmeal from that morning. The droid set the plates down in front of you two, your plate was just as big as Kylo's was. As soon as the droid was gone you dug in, attacking the meat like you were starving child. You could barely contain the groan in you chest once you tried the broccoli, the vegetable mixed in the sauce from the meat tasted divine! This meal, you thought, must have been handcrafted by the maker himself.

Just as you were about to stab another small slice of meat with your fork your plate was yanked out from under you. “You will thank me for your food!” You looked up at Kylo who was holding his own fork and plate, his brows were knit together and his face was in a harsh frown. Wanting nothing more than to shove more meat into your mouth, you obliged him. “Thank you for my food Master.” You Looked at him with big, sorry eyes practically begging him to release the force hold on your food so you could finish eating.

He calmly placed a piece of his own meat into his mouth and chewed, motioning his head toward you and your plate skidded back into your grasp once again. For the rest of your meal you two ate in silence.

For an hour he meditated, you sat on the bed with your book about the history of the First Order in your lap wondering if you were bored enough to read it. Meanwhile, you stared at the back of his head, admiring his beautiful fluffy locs. You wondered if, when you rearranged his hair products you messed up his regime. Maybe he had them organized originally in the order he used them. But then again, maybe not. He never said anything about it-no thank you or demeaning comments. You thought for a second that his way of thanking you was not demeaning you in any way, shape, or form.

Then at some point you fell asleep, but that special stage of sleep when you realize that you're sleeping, but at the same time can't wake yourself. But that was okay, because Kylo was comfortable doing that for you.

You awoke to crashing noises, lifted your head to see Kylo throwing the dining table at the wall. The plates and silverware came crashing to the ground, plates shattering into a million small glass shards. You were confused, to say the least. One minute Kylo was sitting peacefully on the floor quietly meditating, the next he was throwing a violent tantrum. You didn't know what to do, you had never encountered such an angry person before in your life. You felt an overwhelming need to reach out to him, to rub his back and calm him down, but you felt like that would not end well for you at all.

While he was facing away from you you decided to slowly crawl under the comforter. Your movement was sloth like, trying desperately not to catch his attention. You were hoping if you pretended to be asleep he wouldn't take his anger out on you. You had gotten you waist covered when he roared like a _monster._ He threw his hand to the left and the comforter flew off of you. You were terrified, and you had the right to be! Nothing could have prepared you for what was to come next.

 


	5. Lying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader knows something is terribly wrong with Kylo and his stories, but her memory loss won't let her remember what's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I woke this morning to see I had 100 Kudos. Thanks so much my dear readers! Enjoy this chapter early-I felt bad leaving the last of a cliffhanger lol.
> 
> By the way, if you notice any letters missing, particularly any R's or S's, blame my keyboard. Sometimes I have to press those keys multiple times to get them to read and even if I catch them in editing they don't always show up.

Kylo could not get the thoughts out of his head that night. His pull to the light was so strong, he was so conflicted, but he knew there would be nothing over there for him. His father hated him, or at least it seemed like it growing up. All of those long nights it would just be his mother and him, waiting for dad to get home only to be disappointed when he'd wake up the next morning and hear them arguing about the matter. He could only assume he was the reason their marriage failed. Every time he thought of his childhood tears welled in his eyes, and these thoughts were almost always brought on by the light in him.

And then there was being sent to his Uncle Lukes Jedi academy. No matter what his mother told him about her not being fully trained in the force, that she couldn't teach him what he needed to know, he knew he was sent away as a desperate attempt to save their marriage. At the Jedi academy he felt like nothing more than a black sheep. He felt like every other kid there could see right through him and could see the torment he was living everyday.

And he hated them.

Every single on of them. They were too happy, too excited, too close to his uncle. Closer than he felt he'd ever be.

And he hated it.

He hated life at that point so much that when he was approached by the Supreme Leader Snoke he felt nothing when he was successfully deterred to the dark side of the force, taking comfort in the fact that his grandfather was one of, if not the most powerful men of the dark side. Snoke made him feel welcome, made him feel like he belonged right there in the palm of his hand. And once he had proven himself by killing every single one of those treacherous Jedis in training at his uncles academy, Snoke crowned him Kylo Ren, no longer small, feeble Ben Solo. Now he was the Commander of the First Order, and he himself became the Master of the Knights of Ren.

But the years and years of rejection from everyone had taken a toll on the Knight. He didn't know love, didn't know how to love. Tonight's meditation was particularly bad as he could only see his mother's face when the call to the light was this strong. He could see the disappointment in her eyes at him, could feel the sadness radiating off of her and falling onto him. He couldn't take it, he destroyed his quarters trying to find some sort of release.

He, however, accidentally woke the girl. He was more than satisfied when he saw her asleep behind him, even though he probably could have fucked her at least once that night. He was content with the fact that she wouldn't reject him again like she did in the shower. She was asleep, her day had ended without him.

He could feel the fear and agony bursting from her like popcorn, as soon as she'd go through one emotional shift another one would pop. He felt her pity for him, her concern and he wished so badly that she would have consoled him, that she would just love him like he paid for.

Love, that's what he needed right now. He needed love. Luckily enough for him, there was a girl there that could show him love.

He walked over to her, began to shed his clothing. “You!” She jumped nearly out of her own skin when he approached her. “You, you-” He stammered, not knowing how to go about this. All he wanted to hear were the words “I love you.”

Her eyes widened as she angled herself away from him, kind of like a defensive position. She was ready to kick him if she desired to. But her brawn was no match to his. He simply seized her by the ankle and dragged her across the bed to him. Her pelvis settled right below his, her legs on either side of his as he dragged her up to face him by her hair. The raw fear in her face and welling of tears in her eyes did absolutely nothing to stop him from now making his demand-if not now, then when?

“Tell me you love me.”

He watched her face twist from being terrified of him to downright confused. His breaths were short and shallow, and he could feel the sting of tears in his own eyes now that he had made himself so vulnerable in front of her. “Are you mute, little whore? Are you not listening to me?” He shook her by her hair and slapped her and she braced her palms on his now bare chest, he was not a man to be kept waiting. “Tell me that you love me!” He was sure he sounded just as desperate as he was. He wanted those words, those three little words.

But as his grip on her hair tightened and her tears poured down her cheeks, he didn't get those three words, he got only two:

“I can't.”

He wasted no time tossing her across the room, choke slamming her to the ground. He sent punches and kicks to her gut, face, back, all the while demanding she tell him what he wanted to hear. She tried to get away, tried her hardest to crawl, roll, and even fight her way out of this terrible situation, but it was to no avail. He'd just drag her back to him and say the same thing: “Tell me you love me.” To which she'd reply “never.”

At some point Kylo stopped to look at his monstrous creation. She lay on her side, he could see bruises on her ribs that indicated one or two of them were broken. She was wheezing, taking painful breaths and every once and a while coughing up blood. Her teeth were stained red; from her split lip and missing tooth and bleeding nose. She cried and spoke softly about how much her finger hurt, only to lift it up and see how it was unnaturally bent to the side, dislocated. She had one black eye, her other slowly filling with blood.

He took a few steps back, not even believing that, in his anger, he had separated from reality so much he almost destroyed this helpless human being. Wrapping his arms around his torso he gave into his tears, sobbing loudly and walking across his quarters to his kitchen. He really was a monster. He sat in one of the chairs that he had thrown aside earlier and stared like at her like a child who had just broken his mother's lamp. He didn't know what to do from here, all he could do is sit in his kitchen and listen to her rasping breaths.

No more than ten minutes later he found himself taking her from behind. He needed to hear those three words now more than ever, and he had found a way to take them from her. “Kylo.” She moaned into the pillow below her. “I love you so much, I adore you.” He hissed, those words sweet in his ears like sweet melted chocolate. They made his cock twitch inside of her and he ordered, “again.”

“Kylo.” She moaned the exact same way she did before. “I love you so much, I adore you.” He bared his teeth and groaned, his tears splashing and collecting in the recesses of her purple and red splotchy back. In between his stifled and quick breaths and moans, he instructed her to say something different. “Say, _fuck ,_ say 'I'll always love you Kylo' Say it!” He had stopped his thrusting and waited for her to reply. He had to fuck her doggy style, forcing her face to stay in his pillows because he couldn't stand seeing the glassy and uninterested look in their eyes when he had to coerce them with the force. It made it even worse that he had fucked her beautiful face up, but this would be worth the blood on his pillow tonight.

“I'll always love you, Kylo” her monotonic reply earned his approval and he went back to thrusting into her. He switched her phrase two more times before he came inside of her, then he flipped her over and stared. He cried over her once more, only then deciding to take her to seek out medical attention. He redressed, going from being naked as the day he was born to 100 percent dressed, cowl, gloves, and helmet and all. While her mind was still in his control, he made her sit up and take one of the contraceptives so he wouldn't have to force it down and have her choke again. He then put her to sleep, wrapped her in a blanket and began the walk of shame to medbay.

 

\---

 

Your eyes fluttered open, the sound of soft beeping and something sticky on your chest. When you tried to sit up you were met with pain in your entire chest cavity, and when you winced you were met with pain on the right half of your face. You sat still taking in everything you could, you were in the medbay again. You spun your head slowly, trying to figure out how you ended up in so much pain and when you ended up in medbay.

You felt like you were forgetting something important. One minute you were waking up and getting ready to take a walk with Kylo Ren, the next you were in medbay. You had realized you were by yourself and began to panic. Your room had no windows and no clocks, you didn't know what time it was. Cuddling back down into your blanket and medical cot to try and calm yourself, you decided this was something you shouldn't worry about right now, maybe if you slept for a bit longer the next time you woke up you'd be back where you came from. You smiled, thinking about how happy Giana's son would be to see you again. Yes, perfect plan. Just sleep the rest of your time on this stupid star destroyer away.

 

\---

 

“You sound so cute, moaning in your sleep.” You woke up slowly, embracing the warm and tight grip around your waist. Your knees were tucked on either side of Kylo's pelvis and you found yourself snaking your arms around his neck while your head was resting on his shoulder. “Do you want me to do it again?” You weren't exactly sure what he was referring to or why you were cozying up so close to him, but lord it felt so good and you didn't want it to end.

“I love you.” You whispered against his warm comforting skin. There was silence for a second, then he gripped the back of your head. “What did you say, y/n?”

“I love you.” You were both fully clothed, you in the clothes you were delivered to him in which left very little to his imagination. “Are you hurt?” You furrowed your brow, why was he asking you this stupid shit when all you wanted to do was enjoy his company? “Is her brain injured?”

“I love you.” It was the only thing you could say to him. It sounded like there was a third person in the room with you but they sounded so far away, so not worth your time. “Okay. I understand.” Kylo said, then went back to doing what you assumed he was doing before while your were sleeping, kissing and sucking on your neck. The entire thing was so sensual; the wet smacking noises coming from his mouth, his moans, your moans, the sound of your clothes rubbing up against each other. You were so horny you had forgotten that this was your captor you were grinding against.

You sat up to look him in the eye, his gorgeous eyes that you had been attracted to since day one. Against your better judgment you began leaning forward, shifting your gaze from his eyes to his soft looking lips that were swollen just a tad. You knew they'd feel great against your own if he knew how to work them so well against your neck. Licking your own lips you closed the gap between your two. He felt absolutely-

 

\---

 

“I love you!” You were shouting, not realizing it was your own shouting that woke you up.

“Woah, woah woah!” Someone from behind you spoke up, you could hear shuffling but were in too much pain to turn around and see who it was. “I'm glad that you're awake, y/n.” This time it sounded like the person was typing on something. “Who's there?” You kicked yourself for asking such a stupid question. The person behind you was obviously some medical professional.

She had startled you at how fast she appeared in front of you. “I'm doctor Reporra, I'm overseeing your recovery for the day.” She was a peppy young woman with white hair tied up on top of her head and a long braid reaching her butt. She had a wide toothy grin and held a data pad similar to Kylo's in her hands. You gave her a nervous grin in reply. You had tried to shift in your cot again when she rushed over to your side, gently pressing her hands to your shoulders. “No no! I need you to stay still! You've had several surgeries on various parts of your body in the last few hours and we need your recovery to go as fast as it can. So please stay still!”

Good lord. Just hearing how fast the woman talked made you want to vomit. “I-I apologize. May I please ask what time it is?”

“It is currently 8:42 am on Sunday.” Your heart soared! It was the morning of day three, which meant tomorrow you got to go home! You nodded at her but couldn't hold back your smile, you were sure that Kylo Ren wouldn't want to touch you after what had happened to you. So you could enjoy your last day working for The First Order alone in your medical room.

Before you could ask what had happened to you, however, you saw it fit to re-position your legs as one of them was becoming tingly with blood loss. When you did, you became embarrassingly aware of a wetness between your legs. It was warm, sticky and coated part of your thigh. “Um, I'm sorry to go off track here but I think I've gotten my period.” The doctors neck jumped back and she looked at you like you had grown a second head. “Let me see.” She said, reaching behind her to grab a flashlight. You pushed your hospital gown as far down as it would go and held your legs shut, your cheeks growing red at the squishing noise your slick thighs made as you did.

“No, it's really okay. I just need to go to the bathroom to get cleaned up.”

“Your file here says you're not supposed to get a period until next month when you're out of the First Orders care. If you're bleeding I need to check it out because it could be a sign of something more serious.” She pulled up a rolling stool and sat down at the foot of your cot, staring up at you waiting for you to open your legs for her. This reminded you too much of your first day on board the Finalizer and you fought back tears as your pried your unwilling legs open, exposing your cunt to the 3rd person on this godforsaken ship. Her eyes widened and her mouth turned up in an amused smile. She reached into her pocket and put on some rubber gloves. “Are you referring to this on your thigh?” She ran her fingers up your thigh and looked at you from between your legs. “Um. Yes?” As she chuckled your pride fell away from you in waves. “Well I can assure you it's not blood, young lady. But it looks like you have some trauma, let me take a closer look to make sure everything is okay down there.

Once again a speculum was inserted, this time without lube, and Dr. Reporra was examining you. “Hmm. Just a bit of tearing here and there, it should heal up on its own. I want you to take it easy with sex for the next few days so you can heal okay?” You nodded your head and agreed with her, too ashamed to say you had absolutely no say in what Kylo Ren did to your body. “Now, go to the bathroom and get cleaned up, then we can talk about what happened to you.” She said as she removed the speculum (which was inserted a lot easier than last time).

You took a proper shower, washing every inch of your body yourself this time. Inspecting your cunt your found a sticky mucus like substance that easily stretched transparent between your fingers. You stared at it in awe, never experiencing anything like it before yourself. You swallowed as you set your fingers under the water and watched it slick down your fingers and then down to the floor of the shower. Maybe one of your girls had told you about this? What was it called, getting “wet?” You shrugged, going back to getting your bottom half cleaned. The doctor didn't seem too worried so you figured you shouldn't either.

When you finally finished and were properly dressed in another hospital gown, the doctor had sat you down in your hospital cot with a bowl of sugary kids cereal in front of you. She explained to you that you were admitted to the medbay unconscious, various bruises (which you had seen in the shower, none of which you could remember where they came from) covered you from head to toe. You had two broken ribs which were successfully repaired with surgeries, a dislocated shoulder and finger that were successfully put back in place, a split lip as well as several contusions and cuts of varying degrees that was cured with advanced First Order technology and left no scar. She apologetically said she couldn't do much for your pain other than give you some pain medication.

Then came the interrogation. You told her over and over again that you didn't know what happened, that the only thing you could remember was slipping on your boots to take a walk with the commander. “Well, _memory loss._ ” Using an electronic pen she scribbled something onto her tablet. “You did take quite a beating and I need to write something down here to send to Larkin when you go back tomorrow, so I'll have to interview the Commander himself. You were with him that day, right?” You stared at her, asking her to repeat what she had said because she spoke too fast and you for sure did NOT want the Commander to come here.

“I-I don't remember. He's not coming-” You gulped, looking around the room like he had magically materialized in the corner. “-here, is he?”

“No no, I can have him interviewed in another area of the ship later today, it doesn't matter as long as I get some sort of explanation from him.” You nodded your head at her, then listened as she babbled some more, her words spilling from her mouth and landing on your ears like vomit. In mid sentence a storm trooper hastily opened your medical room door and entered, his blaster being gripped tightly in his hands.

“Ma'am, the C-c-commander wishes-” The poor trooper was shaking the fear was extremely evident in his voice. He cleared his throat and adjusted his stance. “The Commander wishes to interrogate here.” Your face scrunched up painfully as you observed the storm trooper, he began to step aside but was then grasped by two gloved hands and forcefully thrown back through the door. You gasped as Kylo himself marched in, his mask concealing his face. He pulled up one of the extra stools on wheels next to your cot and sat, slipping both of his gloved hands around yours in some sort of act of kindness. You looked over at the doctor dumbfounded, silently accusing her of lying to you about if the Commander would be interviewed here or not. By the look of raw fear and anxiety on her face you could tell she was just as afraid as you were.

“Oh, h-hello, Commander.” She stammered, stood and then bowed to greet him. “What do you need to know about what happened?” He asked, the modulator hiding any and all emotion in his voice. “Well, sir.” She smiled pleasantly. “I unfortunately cannot ask you these questions due to, er, doctor patient confidentiality. You must be interviewed by yourself-”

“First of all slow your speech.” His voice boomed and the doctors mouth slammed shut, your could hear her teeth clank against each other. “Secondly you will ask me those questions now so y/n and I can get on with our lives.” You squeezed your eyes shut when he said “our lives,” like you wanted anything to do with any thing going on in his life. When you opened them back up you saw the doctor now sitting back down on her stool, visibly shaking as she affirmed a “yes sir” to him.

“Now, y/n says you two were getting ready to take a walk before all this happened?” She took a shaky breath in before lifting her head to hear the commander's answer. “Yes. This is true. I showed her around the base yesterday.” You looked over at him only to find his visor staring back at you. “She was eager to see what the Finalizer could offer her and what I could give her.” You tried your hardest to remember what you were doing before you went for a walk, but nothing came to mind. You could remember the day you arrived on the Finalizer, the first time he fucked you, the nice young woman that gave you oatmeal, but everything else after that was just gone!

“She's a bit hardheaded, doctor.” You furrowed your brows at the accusation. If there was anything you weren't it was hardheaded, and he should know that based on what he had made you do with him during the time you've spent with him. “I turned around for one minute to speak with the General and the next she was gone. I told her to stick close by me as the Finalizer is a huge ship and one could get easily lost, and she didn't listen. We wouldn't be in this situation if she would have listened.” You fought back tears as he explained how you tried to run away from him, which was questionable in and of itself. Of course you wanted to run away from him, from this painful nightmare; but you were also content to just enduring until the end of the third day, when you were sure all of this would end.

No, none of it made sense. Kylo made it seem like you two wanted to have a great time on your walk, why would you then run away if you were enjoying yourself? You had developed a splitting headache and your heart was slamming against your rib cage. Something in your gut was telling you everything coming out of his mouth was a lie, but your memory loss kept you in the dark and you felt utterly torn between standing and accusing him of lying and just letting him push his lies onto the doctor.

“Um, I think I'm going to be sick.” You said, beginning to push yourself off the cot and ignoring the pain shooting throughout your body. The doctor seemed to take interest in you, nodding and then pointing to the bathroom. Kylo on the other hand did not, opting to reach over, grab a funny shaped bowl from behind him and shoving it in your hands.

“Now I think it's time you answer some of my questions, doctor.” She straightened her back in her chair and readied her tablet as if she were going to use it to hit him at any given moment. “Certainly, Commander. But first I-”

“How many broken bones?”

“Two sir, and one dislocated shoulder and one dislocated finger.”

“And those have been fixed, I presume?”

“Yes sir.”

“You mentioned no brain damage?”

“Well, er, she has suffered quite a bit of memory loss. So there may have well been a concussion-”

“You sound unsure, do you know how to do you job, doctor?” She turned a bright pink, starting from her neck and ending at her ears. “Why, yes Commnder, I just hadn't had a chance to accurately test-”

“We've been sitting here this entire time discussing what happened to put her in your care and yet you haven't even fully evaluated her?” You looked down into your bowl, the combination of aluminum and its shape distorting your reflection-Well, he had a point.

She sat speechless, no doubt embarrassed by what the commander had said to her. “I-I can evaluate her right now, if it would please you.” You recognized the tears welling in her eyes as she spun in her chair, getting up to remove herself from the commander's gaze. “Yes doctor, it would please me for you to do your job correctly.” He stood and walked over to her, towering over her intimidatingly. “And when you are done doing your job, she will be coming back to my quarters. I want her care moved to a personal medic since you've proved yourself incompetent to care for her yourself.” He did a sharp turn on his heel and walked over to your cot. “I will see you later.” You nodded at him and watched as he left the room.

The silence and tension in the room afterword was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. You both had your eyes glued to the door seemingly waiting for him to come back and kill her. Then in unison your eyes met each others. You watched as her bottom lip trembled and a single tear fell down her cheek. “Are you-” Without finishing your sentence she picked up her tablet and left the room.

You had taken to finger drumming on top of your bowl to fill the wicked silence in your room. Your heard the doctor stop crying five minutes ago, and you assumed she'd be back to discharge you soon. You had held your vomit for quite some time, telling yourself it wasn't worth stress vomiting, that day 3 was almost done and you'd get to go home soon. But you still kept the bowl on your bedside table just in case.

Just as you suspected, the same doctor came back to check out your head and make sure there was no brain damage. She had such a cold and unattached look in her eye, not bubbly like you had grown used to. “Well, it doesn't seem like you have a concussion.” She spoke slowly, like a normal person would. She clicked away the pen sized flashlight that she had used to shine in your eyes. “Is he coming back here?” No response. “You are officially discharged, y/n. From here a storm trooper will come to escort you back to Kylo Ren's quarters and you'll no longer be seen by me.” She faced away from you, gathering things on a desk at the far end of the room, including her name plaque. “Wait, are you leaving?”

She sighed, nodded her head. “Take me with you, please! I don't know what he wants to do to me back at his quarters, but please! I need to get out of here!” She flipped a switch and the light on her desk went out, then turned back to face you. Red, swollen eyes greeted you with tears. “Have a good day, y/n.” You braced yourself on your lower arm and sat up, had Ren really fired her? Is he going to kill her, execute her? “Wait! You have to help me! Please doctor!” Without even giving you a second glance she walked out of the door. “You can't leave me.” You whimpered to no one except yourself.

 

True to her word, four stormtroopers showed up sometime after she left to collect you and bring you to Kylo's quarters. You were wheeled down the halls in nothing but your hospital gown. Not one of the stormtroopers said a word to you, no doubt afraid of what Kylo would do to them if he found out they'd said something bad to you.

Once you had been escorted to Kylo's quarters, you were met with him actually inside. He sat with his legs crossed and extended out. His mask was on and he was dressed in his full armor minus the cape. “Anything else sir?” One of the troopers behind you spoke up, to which Kylo replied no and sent them on their way.

You stared at each other for several minutes, not knowing if you should say something or not. You shifted uncomfortably in your wheelchair, when Kylo noticed this he stood and walked over to you. “Are you feeling any better?” You didn't answer, you were feeling absolutely fine before he fired your doctor and forced you back into your prison. “You'll be pleased to know that the stormtroopers who did this to you have been found and executed. Nobody gets to lay their hands on my property like this and live.” Your eye twitched, you thought you had heard the doctor and him say something about stormtroopers while in the medical room, but you were so concentrated on not getting sick in Kylo's lap that you didn't pay attention. You could care less what he considered you, once you were away from him you were no ones.

“You're lying.” You accused him, you tried to make your voice as sharp as possible. He moved around the back and began to wheel you toward where he had just been sitting. You wanted so badly to fight, to say 'get off of me!' but you'd rather not look as stupid as that, even if the only one around to see it is Kylo. “No one is lying to you, y/n.” He said as he sat back down in front of you, you drew your legs in as close to the wheel chair as possible. “Except for maybe that doctor.”

“You didn't have to fire her. She did her job with me just fine.” You felt like you were treading on a thin line talking back to him like this, what's stopping him from just picking you up and forcing himself on you again? Before he could reply you went out on a dangerous limb and asked him what actually happened to you. “If I was beaten up by some stormtroopers I'd be able to remember it! The doctor didn't say I had a concussion either! You're lying about something!”

You didn't mean for the last part to sound so desperate, but you felt as if you were on to something.

You heard a small noise come from Kylo's helmet, almost like a small cry. “The doctor obviously didn't do what I asked, I will have another medic check you for brain damage.” He stood once more and then walked around the chair, beginning to wheel you toward the bed. “I don't need to be checked out again, Kylo! I don't have a concussion! I need you to tell me what actually happened to me. I'm scared!”

He stopped the wheelchair at the side of the bed and lifted you up by the arm pits and into it as carefully as he possibly could. “I've already told you, Y/n. I'm not lying to you. Now, rest. We've got a big day tomorrow.” You stopped fighting him when you realized his voiced sounded extremely strained under his helmet. You stared at his helmet, now realizing something was definitely wrong here. What “big day” was he referring to? Tomorrow was a big day for you, not for you _and_ him. He was also being too nice to you, each time he was this nice it almost always ended in pain and humiliation.

 


	6. Sympathy and Big Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo takes a new approach to win the readers heart and makes a life changing decision for the both of them. Reader also struggles with her emotions as well, but what else is new in her world?

Kylo had to leave, had to get away from her. His suspicions were correct, she was not just a dumb whore after all. He wasn't quite sure how she knew he had lied about brutalizing her, he had checked on day one and found she was not force sensitive. Maybe she was just good at reading people and could tell by the unnecessary berating and firing of the doctor that Kylo was hiding something.

He decided to sit in the higher ups lounge, at 3 pm there was bound to be no one in there and he could contemplate his next move in peace.

He was disappointed that in three days he had only fucked the girl 3 times. Today would have been better if he hadn't lost his temper the night before. He weighed his options quietly to himself: He had already thought of taking up Snokes offer to keep her, but that was a lot of responsibility on his part. Permanent birth control, regular meals, always having the share his quarters and his bed, and always making sure he knew where she was. He sighed to himself, he'd be more like a father than a lover if that were the case. The sex was definitely good, but he knew it could be better if he spent more time breaking her down and molding her into what he wanted to be. Just look at the dream she had all on her own, she even said she loved him out loud- albeit in her sleep.

On the other hand, he could keep her and do just that. He wouldn't have to worry this much about rough housing with her. Not that he ever wanted to ruin her like that again, the amount of guilt he carried on his shoulders last night and this morning was torture.

What made it worse is he couldn't figure out why.

Maybe it was because she was the second person in his life to tell him she loved him, or maybe it was the way she looked, the way she felt or the way she called him “master” submissively. Either way, he went into this deal planning on not catching feelings for the girl and now his plan was falling apart each time he laid his eyes on her. With a heavy and defeated sigh, he wondered briefly if she felt the same feelings toward him. He tried his best to erase her memories from last night, replacing them with happy ones involving him and her and eventually she was beaten up by stormtroopers. Those false memories had been too good to be true, however.

Could he keep her though, that was the real question. Could he work hard to earn her trust and love like a normal human being? Or would he just end up taking what he wanted from her and put up with lukewarm force sex and fake “I love yous” for the rest of his life? He shrugged his shoulders and leaned back into his chair, sitting and thinking for an hour was exhausting and he didn't want to destroy this room in frustration in not finding an answer. He stood and made his way to his quarters, thinking maybe a short nap would clear his mind.

 

To his relief, she was asleep in his bed when he got there. He didn't think he could take stepping on eggshells around her in another argument that he knew she deserved an answer to. As quietly as he could he replaced his clothing with some sleeping clothes and made his way into bed with her.

Only he couldn't sleep, his eyes were glued to her. Just seeing her sleeping made him calm, his heart beat slowed and he could relax. Sure, he had to ignore the black eye various other bruises that he had inflicted upon her. But under those bruises she slept soundly, not crying, not cowering in fear, not furrowing her brows, she was peaceful. He reached out to caress her face with his thumb, he loved the feeling of her soft skin, the first time he had taken her he just couldn't get enough. Maybe the first night he had her and he spent his seed in her raw was when his feelings began. All the other women he had been with he had used a condom with, since when they're under force control you can't ask them if they're on the First Order issued birth control.

She stirred, did a small groan when he brushed over the edge of the bruise on her eye. He retracted his hand for a second, making sure she was still asleep and wouldn't shy away from him like she did the first night she spent in his bed.

But she didn't. She moved onto the side her broken ribs weren't on, opened her eyes, and saw right into Kylo's soul. He felt like he could cry over her again, he was having such an enjoyable moment with her and he didn't want it to end because she was afraid. He placed his hand on her face once more and shushed her, hoping that would calm her down and he could enjoy her some more. It didn't work, she pulled her face out of his grasp and moved onto her back. He was heart broken. He wanted to comfort her, it comforted him to know that he could comfort her.

He thought for a second that, if he was gentle, maybe he could fuck her one more time before she left. It was worth a try, he thought. Even with his limited sexual experiences he knew that some women could be comforted with sex, he just wasn't particularly good at it since everyone hated him. Regardless, he decided to mount her, making his way up her body and lightly settling himself on top of her careful not to hurt her ribs.

He began to kiss her face, he knew she wouldn't be comfortable kissing him on his mouth so he skipped that entirely. He drew back to her dream, remembering how much she had liked the sensation and sounds of him kissing her neck and did just that. She, however, wasn't on board. She was stiff, wouldn't mold herself to his body like he wanted her to. She didn't want this, just like she didn't want him in bed or in the shower. He leaned up and looked at her now sad face. He was able to convince himself that she looked so miserable because she was in pain, he was hurting her. He leaned up on his knees and a thought flew through his mind, making an wicked grin stretch across his face.

If he can't comfort her with his cock, maybe he could using another part of his body.

As he slowly climbed off of her and made his way off the bed he re-accounted what he had seen in pornography the very few times he had observed it. Yes, he knew it was easy to be pleasured with her mouth, but could he pleasure her with his? “Come down here.” He beckoned her with his finger, but she just sat there looking confused. As gently as he could he grabbed her ankle and pulled, not breaking eye contact with her. “Come on.” With another unsure look, she began bending her limbs to crawl herself to the edge of the bed. When she tried to sit up Kylo pushed her back down. “Relax.” He breathed, sliding down the length of the bed and onto his knees. Under her hospital gown she was given plain black undies, something he didn't remember asking the staff for. No bother, though. He pulled them down her legs and set them on the bed beside her.

She immediately spread her legs and he saw her arm fly up over her face. He hoped she wasn't crying, he never wanted to see her cry if he was being brutally honest with himself. Using his thumbs he spread her lower lips, exposing her entrance and her clit. She was a mix of the perfect shades of pink and red, she was so soft and smooth and smelled so wonderful. He shivered with anticipation at the sight, she was so perfect to him. He was also quite nervous, never had he done this before and he was worried he'd do it wrong, that she'd end up screaming at him to stop cause he had hurt her or just because she didn't want it.

However, he also knew she likely had never had this performed on her and she may never have had an orgasm, so how would she know what's good and what's bad? Without a second thought he dug right in, swirling around her entrance with his tongue. A soft moan and her jumping practically off the bed made him pull away for a second and look up for her approval. She had leaned up on her forearms and was looking down at him with wide eyes, like that wasn't what she expected from him at all.

He took a look down at her again, admiring her clit and how it was beginning to swell and turn red a bit, practically begging for his attention. He licked his lips and placed a kiss on top of it, causing her to suck in another breath. Beginning to feel his cock stir in his pants he now had the confidence to continue, seeing her enjoying his mouth so much was one of the sexiest things he had ever encountered.

He leaned in, focusing all of his attention on her small pleasure button. He was licking at it, squeezing it between his lips, wiggling his tongue back and forth over it; all the while y/n had began mumbling little moans and groans of pleasure. He had to take a second to stop and adjust himself in his pants, but ended up letting out a loud groan of his own as he saw how wet she had become. Returning to his original position between her legs he started to assault her clit once more, only this time he tried something he had seen in the porn he had watched: Inserting his finger.

He had gotten two knuckles in while rapidly flicking his tongue when y/n had loudly moaned his name. It was like music to his ears. He looked up at her: She was wildly taking in breaths causing her chest to move up and down, her head was bent back but he could still see that her eyes were closed in ecstasy. Feeling her being this close to her release he reached around her thighs and pulled her closer to him, returning his fingers back inside of her and curled them against her wall which caused her to jump again.

“I'm gonna-Kylo! I'm gonna-”

He removed his fingers and replaced them with his tongue, thrusting it deep within her. Using his thumb he stroked her clit, she was so close to cumming for the very first time and he wanted to give her as much pleasure as he possibly could.

And she did, all over his face.

She almost screamed in pleasure, her hips snapping up and leaving a short trail of slick up his nose and chin. Her arms flew out into her sides and gripped the sheets as small sobs left her lips, her noises and motions of her hips nearly making Kylo cum in his pants as well. As he sat and listened to her catch her breath he took it upon himself to clean her up, lapping any and all of her slick off her her thighs and lips. She was so perfect, she tasted so good, she sounded so beautiful.

 

\---

 

All you could do was sit there and wonder what had happened to you. Nothing had ever made you feel that good. No one had ever made you feel that good. Your body still tingled and your mind still felt hazy even as you watched Kylo stand and make his way to the bathroom. You reached down in between your legs to find that you were still very sensitive and sopping wet, kind of like after the dream you had but much more soaked. You trembled as you thought to yourself-

“Your first orgasm.” Your head snapped up to see Kylo, his face no longer shiny with your spent arousal. He walked over to the bed and handed you one of his shirts and a pair of his underwear, that's when you realized you were still draped in a hospital gown. “Did it feel good?” For the first time in your time on the Finalizer you had smiled at him. It wasn't something extravagant, showing your teeth and all that. It was a small one, mostly all lip and filled with some kind of soft embarrassment. You were grateful for his clothing as well, happy not to have to walk around his quarters in the nude anymore.

Going to pull the shirt on over your head you stopped as Kylo began to help you, shimming the garment over your arms and down your sides. Once your head was free you had nodded at him, feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. He bent down and kissed you on your cheek, stroking your other one with his fingers. “No need to be embarrassed, love. Sexuality is natural.” Another small smile, for once he had called you something other than “little whore” and it made you feel-feel what exactly?

You didn't know what to feel. You were indeed happy he had expressed something to you other than pain and lies, but that was the thing: you were used to him bringing you pain and lies. You looked back up at him as he climbed over you again, and you could tell by the look in his eye what he was about to do to you. More pain, more force, more sex.

As you sat on your back and took his cock, you were grateful he didn't press his full weight down on your rib cage like the first time and that he let you keep the shirt on. But he was just as rough as before, gripping your forearms tight in his hands. He looked you in the eye the entire time, and panted loudly as he thrust in and out of you. It was a lot less uncomfortable this time around, probably because he took the time to make you cum before he took you. Grinning and bearing it was a lot easier than the first time around.

At least until his look slowly went from concentrated on cumming to something more desperate, something more sinister than anything you'd ever seen. You shut your eyes as tears rolled off of his face and dripped loudly onto yours, splashing your cheeks and rolling warmly down your neck. “I'm so good to you, I take care of you. I gave you a place to live and let you share my bed, I pleasure you and I clean you. I feed you, make sure you have clean clothes. Please...” You didn't know what to think of his soft pleading, technically what he was saying was true, but you had all of that with Larkin, and Larkin never hit you or called you a whore.

“Please...love me.” He sounded so small, so defeated when he murmured the last part. “Love me, Y/n. Tell me that you love me.” You couldn't, you couldn't possibly lie to the man like this. One of the cruelest lies to ever tell someone, and he expected you to tell it to him. “I-I...” You stammered, didn't know what to say or do. He'd know if you were lying, and you'd imagine the consequence of lying to him would be harsh.

“I don't want to have to force you again, say it! Please!” He dropped his head, looking down between your bodies where you were connected. You shook in fear, not knowing what he meant by “again.” You didn't remember him ever forcing you to tell him you loved him, even scarier was the fact that he just admitted he had!

When he looked back up at you he had been biting his bottom lip so hard it had started bleeding. His face was red, you could practically see the anger spilling out of him. “Say it!” He shouted in your face, extending the “i” in it for about five seconds. Saliva flew out of his mouth in strands and you could see welled up spit in his gums.

He had shouted so loud your ears rang as you tucked your chin into your chest and complied, practically screaming “I love you” back at him in fear of being forced chocked to your death in his bed. “Fuck! You love me. You really love me!” He shoved himself so far into you he poked your cervix which still had not fully healed from his first assault. “Again!” He was shaking on top of you, losing control of himself quickly. “I love you.” You answered him, clutching the sheets beneath you to ground yourself. Taking one last look at you in your eyes, he wrapped his arms around the back of your head and your shoulders, lifting you easily so that you were now straddling him. “Ride me.” He barked and didn't move, gripping your hips painfully. You stared at him, figuring out shortly after that he wanted you to do the work now.

So you bounced on his cock trying your best to match the pace that he set before hand. You rode him for what felt like hours, your legs going tingly and numb after the first fifteen minutes. At that point you felt like he was holding his release in, he wanted to ravish himself for as long as possible. “Fuck! Oh fuck!” His eyes squeezed shut and his arms wrapped around you once more, one hand held your head on his shoulder and one held your stomach to his. He held you down and instead thrust into you, crying out while pumping his seed into you.

Your shoulder became damp with his sweat, and when he lifted his head to seek your e/c eyes his hair stuck slightly to your skin. You felt terrible for him, his eyes were pink and puffy and his face was tear streaked. He normally wore a frown, but this was a genuine sad frown. You said nothing as he lifted you off of his cock and stood you in front of him. He observed you through his tears, not saying any thing or giving you any indication as to what he wanted to do.

At the familiar feeling of cum leaking out of you, you quietly asked if you could go refresh yourself to which he allowed you to shower in peace.

You showered silently, taking your time to massage out any knots you could reach in your back. On your first day here you had never thought you'd see the big and bad Commander of the First Order cry, he just didn't seem like someone who had anything to cry about. He had everything you didn't: money, power, a good job that he wasn't forced into, and stable place to live. You wiped a tear from your face as you thought of how broken he looked while begging you to love him. Surely someone in this organization loved the man. You knew that there was a galactic war and that some people were on The First Order's side, therefore you reasoned to yourself, there would be plenty of people out there that loved him. It was only your job to provide him sexual release for three days, not to love him. That was just something you couldn't help him with.

20 minutes went by and you decided to end your shower and see about making your way to bed, the sooner you could end this day the better. Once you found yourself dry and were fully dressed in his shirt and underwear, you made your way out to the bed room only to find Kylo hadn't moved. He still sat facing away from you on the bed with his hand over his eyes. You began to rethink what you had thought in the shower. People called him the “Jedi Killer,” and for good reason no doubt. If the way he treated you was any indication of how he treated the people around him, then you came to the realization that he may not have very many friends, that maybe no one loved him.

He was human after all, and humans craved acceptance in life, even if you are one of the most powerful figures in the universe. You felt yourself needing to cry again, you remembered how lonely you used to be in the early days of Larkin's business. You were often ostracized in a room by yourself while waiting for Evelyn and Giana to come back from their clients, you felt like no one loved you anymore and that this extreme loneliness and sadness you felt was a punishment from the Maker. You couldn't bear the thought of this other person in the room with you feeling the same way. If this was going to be your last day with him you might as well make it good, you would comfort him.

You returned to his side with a glass of water, tapping him on the shoulder and holding it out to him. He looked up at it, then at you, then with a sigh he took it from you. He swirled it around, studying it a little bit more closely than you expected. “Did you try and poison me, whore?” You raised your eyebrows and felt your nerves stand on end. “N-No Master. I got it from the sink in the bathroom.” He held it out to you and you took it from him. “Drink some.” You wanted to roll your eyes at him, did he really not believe you? Did he think poison ran through his pipes? Nevertheless, you took a swing, being sure to leave most of the water for him.

With a suspicious look he took the water from you again, downing the rest of it by himself. You kept your eyes on him, for some reason you thought he needed more, more than just a glass of water to feel better. Every synapse in your mind was screaming at you not to do it, but it just felt like it was right. He wasn't hitting you at the moment, he wasn't spitting insults at you left and right, all you wanted to do was help the poor man.

And so you climbed into his lap again and wrapped your arms around his neck. He sat stiff for a second, but eventually loosened up and hugged you back. “You love me.” He whispered in your ear. As much as you didn't want to say it, you said it back to him anyway. Hearing “I love You” was obviously a comfort for him, and that was going to be your end goal, just let him go to sleep comfortably. “You-you need me.”

“I need you.”

“You can't leave. You can't leave me!” He clutched you closer to him and you could feel the beginnings of regret bubbling in your gut. “Tell me you want to stay, that you'll stay here, with me. With only me.” You could tell by the way his voice hitched that he was about to start crying again, the complete opposite of what you want him to do. And while you could take lying to him about loving him and needing him to take care of you, you absolutely DID NOT want to tell him you'd stay with him. That just had bad news written all over it.

Instead, you opted to assure him you loved him, refusing to say you'd stay with him. “I know, y/n.” He sighed, then around you the lights went out. He readjusted himself so that he could set you down in the bed with ease, bringing the blanket up under your chin. You doubted he could see you, but you gave him a soft smile to show your appreciation. “Get some rest love. I'll see you in the morning.” He backed away from the bed then made his way to his side, settling in for the night.

You sighed pleasantly to yourself, this day had ended a lot better than you thought it would. You almost felt as if you did your job at the end of the day. Kylo was going to bed in a better mood and so were you, mission accomplished! You made it three days tethered to a Jedi Killer and you didn't get killed or injured by him (or so you thought). Tomorrow, you'd be placed back into the hands of Larkin, safe and sound.

Beside you, you heard Kylo sniffle. You didn't dare look over at him, instead you rolled onto your side so your back was facing him. He gently played with your hair, effectively soothing and lulling you to sleep.

\--

She had admitted it to him, on her own without any threat from him that she loved him. She cuddled up to him, she soothed him. He couldn't get her out of his mind. He genuinely did not want her to leave now. She had proven to him that she could love him, which is what he wanted more than anything. He fiddled with her hair next to her, willing his tears away. Why couldn't he always keep her happy like this? Why was she always so scared? The answer was extremely obvious to everyone except for Kylo Ren, whose judgment was extremely clouded by lust and love for the woman sitting next to him.

He felt terrible when he had to wake her to take her contraceptive. “Wake up, you have to take this.” He said gently shaking her awake. Fearing she'd conceive his child by accident he stood over her, holding the pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other. The lieutenant had told him they carry a four hour window of success, the realization awoke him immediately and he could not recall how much time had passed between the time they had sex and now.

“Wake up, I need you awake.” He shook her a little bit harder, growing irritated at her deep sleep. Just when he was about to yell to get her awake, her arm shot up as if to defend herself. “Where am I? What time is it? What day is it?” She was taking deep breaths and seemed as if she had just came out of a nightmare. Kylo took a step back from her, waiting for her to calm back down. When it appeared she had he handed her the glass of water. “Take this.”

She obeyed, looking into his eyes the entire time. He remembered on night one when she asked him what it was and he refused to answer her, this was the third time she had taken one, the first she had actually taken it by herself. He realized she must have held a lot of trust in him and deserved an answer. It could be a reward, he told him self.

“It's a contraceptive. It's technically only supposed to be used for emergencies but I was told to give it to you every time we had intercourse.” She nodded at him. “I figured. I don't think Larkin would be happy if I came back pregnant.” He watched as she made her way back under his blanket and closed her eyes, fighting back the anger he felt rising in his chest. She wasn't going back, he decided right then and there that she would stay right where she was.

She belonged to him. She was the only person in the galaxy that loved him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late night chapter because it just occurred to me I'll be busy tomorrow and would hate to leave you guys hanging. Thanks for the continued support!  
> Just a heads up, future chapters will now run along the TFA timeline, but I've changed some details here and there. When they are published feel free to comment if you are confused and I'll try to clear things up as much as possible. I had to write myself a timeline as well lol.


	7. A(nother) New Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Kylo's journey to the Readers official new life on Star Killer Base.

You awoke the next morning to a knock on the door. It was still night time and you had opened your eyes to see Kylo still sleeping next to you. Another knock, this time Kylo woke up. You stayed still, silently watching him get up and slip on his pants from yesterday. He walked over to the door and slid it open, he was greeted by the nasty lieutenant that you had met from day one.

“Good Morning, Commander Ren.” She saluted him with a huge shit eating grin on her face. “Morning Lieutenant.” He retorted, leaning against the door. “I've come to collect the whore.” She smiled up at him lovingly. From the look in her eye you could tell she had a thing for Kylo, you figured that's why she was so nasty to you. She was jealous you got to fuck him and she didn't. Kylo took a look back at you, then looked at her once more. “Mm. That's not necessary lieutenant.” Her face fell, she looked like he had stabbed her in the gut. “W-What do you mean, Commander? She is set to board her TIE Fighter back to Oceri in 10 minutes.”

“No. I am interested in keeping her.” You sat up not believing what you were hearing. Her eyes darted to you and you felt the fiery hatred she had for you from across the room. “Keeping her for how much longer?”

“Forever.” He shrugged his shoulders and stared down at her, crossing his arms over his chest. “What?! Commander! You can't possibly want to keep that disgusting whore forever! You could have any woman you want in this organization and you want her?” She pointed at you over his shoulder, then both of their eyes were on you.

“Lieutenant. Is that anyway to speak to your Commander?” She brought her attention back to him and went back to scowling. “No sir. But-”

“No buts. Expect that I will be speaking to your higher ups about this. Now, go make yourself useful and fetch this Larkin individual or whoever it is that I need to speak to about her permanent residence within the First Order.” He clicked a button next to the door and it closed on her. He made his way back to the bed, kissing you on top of your head before making himself comfortable again. “Go back to sleep, love. There's nothing to worry about.”

You lay back down on your pillows but you couldn't help but to panic. Had that entire conversation really just happened right in front of you? Was that terrible lieutenant your only way out and now you'd have to stay? You whimpered as you began to sit back up, wanting desperately to run to the door and beg that woman to take you away, to take you back to your home planet. Kylo reached around your chest and pushed you back into the bed. “I said relax.” His tone was dark, a warning to do what he said or else. “This agreement won't work well in your favor if you keep defying me.”

Agreement? When had you ever come in any kind of agreement with him about staying? This is specifically why you didn't give in to make him feel better last night, you thought this would happen if you did. Either way, you recognized his threat and knew he was capable of hurting you no matter how soft and tender he was with you last night. It was best you try and get more sleep. Larkin would come by later and he would sort this all out, there was no way he'd let Kylo keep you. You were his favorite, you took care of his girls, he needed you. With a yawn and a twist onto your side, you calmed yourself enough to once again fall back to sleep.

 

 

“N-No Commander Ren, Sir! I wasn't implying that at all! I was just simply stating that there are 20 other girls that we can offer you, some of them more sexually experienced than others are. Some of them can bend, and some can dance, some of them can even-”

“Instead of talking out of your ass right now, _Daniel_ , why don't you tell me why you thought it would be a good idea to send me someone who had not even been properly trained?”

Your head shot up and all drowsiness disappeared at the mention of Daniel's name. Yes, it was true. He was standing at the door. No more than ten feet away from you stood the man you could genuinely call a friend.

“Daniel!” You threw a caution to the wind as you sprang from the bed, ignoring all the pain from the previous day and ran all the way to the door. “Daniel! You've came back for me!” Once you had made it to where Kylo was you practically jumped into Daniel's arms, only to be stopped mid leap by Kylo grasping you by your arm. You fell back, almost hitting the ground when he hoisted you up and threw you back toward the bed. “Get back into the bed! I didn't give you permission to get up.” You stared helplessly at Daniel who seemed just as distressed as you were.

You did as you were told, you thought as long as Kylo was still around you were still under his command. It would be embarrassing to get hit in front of Daniel, especially when he was trying his hardest to you get you out of this situation.

“Anyway, I hope that that annoying lieutenant told you what you needed to bring with you. Any paperwork that you need to sign your rights as her owner over to me. If not I'll assume there is none and I'll be taking her back with me to my home base.”

“Commander please! Larkin is even willing to pay you back for those three days plus more. We need y/n at the compound! She plays an important role!”

“Well she plays a much more important role to the First Order. Now if you'll excuse me I need to be preparing her for her move back to main base. Good day, Daniel.” Daniel looked as if he was going to scream, to pass out right as the blaster doors closed. Kylo got into the bed on his hands and knees and crawled his way up to you. “Those people won't ever touch you ever again. You'll be safe in my custody, love.”

He fucked you that morning till the sun came up, bending you over the bed and taking you from behind. He had stuffed a washcloth in your mouth and held your hands behind you to stop your defiant screaming. While he pounded into you he told you about how grateful you should be for his kindness, for going out of his way to give you permanent residence in the safety of the First Order. He told you about how Larkin lied to you, about how he was planning on whoring you out to any creature that wanted you as soon as you touched down on Oceri.

“You get to spend the rest of your life with me, your master. _Argh!_ Your Commander. You get to take my cock like this every day, that's what you like, right you whore? You like taking your masters cock in the morning before he goes to work? Like making me cum?” You bowed your head into his mattress and allowed yourself to cry some more, the washcloth made this entire situation all the more uncomfortable as it rapidly dried out your mouth. “You're now mine, whore. You belong to me!” He pulled out of you, yanking you back by the collar of your shirt and positioning you on your knees in front of him. Instead of removing the washcloth and fucking your mouth like you thought he was going to do, he began to fist his cock right in front of your face.

“I'll mark you as mine, _mine!_ ” He roared as he found his release. The first ribbon of his cum you caught just over your right eye, some oozing down over your eye lid. The next hit your nose and mouth, mostly catching on the wash cloth. The last bit he caught in his foreskin and held it there. He removed the wash cloth from your mouth and commanded you to clean his cock. You did as you were told, as he let go of his foreskin his cum oozed onto your tongue and you swirled your tongue around the head and his hole, making sure to get every drop of his seed.

 

 

Once he was dressed and gone you took to screaming again. Hoping somebody, _anybody_ , would hear you. You beat your fist against the doors, pressed the button on the side but they never opened. You were in full blown panic mode, running anywhere your feet would take you around his small quarters. You opened his fridge and pulled everything out, a carton of milk, eggs, pitcher of water, some juice, wine, and you thew it all over his floor. You did the same to each and every drawer and cabinet: pots, pans, silverware, knives all went flying across his kitchen. His bathroom was next, then his clothing, then his bed. You overturned the tables and chairs, knocked the TV over seeing sparks fly and watching the glass screen shatter. You tore the pieces of glass out with your bare fingertips, ripping them to shreds in your anger.

In one final attempt to break out you ran over to the port windows and banged your fists against them. It took you a second to realize that you were floating around in space and if you did manage to break the window you'd likely get killed. But that didn't matter. You'd rather die than live this rest of your life with that monster. So you beat and beat and beat until you could beat on the window no longer, portions of it now stained dark red with your blood. To your misfortune, the window had not broken, you had not been sucked into the vacuum of space, you had not died.

In defeat, you slid your now sweaty, bloody, and tear stained body down the wall, leaving ten trails of blood down the wall. You curled into a ball at the base of the wall and just sobbed, you could do no more screaming or destruction. You were helpless, no one would be coming back for you from the compound. You'd never see Larkin, or Daniel, or any of your girls, or Giana's son ever again. You wrapped your arms around yourself and drew your legs in further, now fully aware of a lump under your body that made you uncomfortable. When you sat up to see what it was the doors opened once more to reveal Kylo. He stopped, looking around his quarters at the mess you had made. You didn't care if he killed you, you sat proud of your mess against the wall not daring to take your eyes off of him.

“What have you done?” You heard the modulated voice say to you. He began to step around the room assessing the damage. You had no more tears, you couldn't answer him either since you had screamed your throat raw. The only thing you could do was lift your hand and see what you had sat on.

Pink and green monsters, small and square shaped. You instantly felt bile rise in your throat, it was the monster book he had given you. You projectile vomited in front of you which made Ren turn and look at you in your wrecked and completely defeated state. You couldn't tell what he looked like under his helmet, you couldn't tell if he was angry or upset at you.

“This is your fault!” You rasped, then forcefully threw the book at him. He caught it with the force in midair, letting it drop three or four feet in front of him. “I hate you! You're nothing but a monster that kidnaps girls and rapes them for your own gain! I hate you!” Your head fell back against the wall and you screamed once more, your throat now burning with rage. He began walking toward you, his boots crunching under the broken glass and destruction you had caused. Kylo now sat squatting down in front of you, he began to move your sweat stained hair out of your face. “You poor thing.” Was the only thing he could offer you in that moment. “Take me back home. I don't want to be here with you!”

“I know, love. I know.” He placed his hand on your forehead, and you instantly fell unconscious.

 

When you had woke up it felt like you were in hell. It was so hot, you went to rip your clothes off only to find you weren't wearing any and that your body was submerged in a tub of extremely hot water. You moved to sit yourself up so that your chin was not in the water, your body felt like it was being weighted down with a ton of bricks.

The sound of a supply box opening drew your attention to your right where you saw Kylo rummaging through a white box. He pulled out a small tube of ointment and a bandage roll and set them to the side of the counter. He squatted back down next to you, reaching his hand between your ankles to pull the plug. The water began to drain, leaving your skin cold and clammy against the porcelain tub.

“Look at your hands.” He lifted one of your wrists gently to your view and you saw how raw and shredded your fingers looked, you hadn't even realized at the time you cut your palms as well. “Was your anger worth the destruction you've caused?” You sighed, you had never lost your cool like that before, mostly because you never had anything to be that angry over. But deep down you did feel bad, this was someone else's personal quarters that you had ruined. You found today that revenge just wasn't in your nature, and with a heavy sigh and a thick swallow to your pride, you shook your head in response to him.

“I believe you're meant to speak.” He said bitterly. The water had fully drained from the tub and it didn't seem like he would allow you to leave it until you spoke to him. “No, master.” You mumbled, looking down your body and at your toes which you began pushing onto the side of the tub. He patted your head and then pulled you up by your arm. You stepped out, not really caring about the rivulets of water falling off of your body. He wrapped a towel around you and sat you on the toilet, moving to get the medic supplies from the counter. “I don't know how long this will take to heal. I'm not a doctor.” He said to you as he began to gently massage the ointment into your wounds, causing you to wince and whine.

“I'm sorry, love.” Once he was finished he reached over to the bandages and began to work them around your figners, covering the entirety of both hands with the brown roll. He pressed the end of the tape to the bandages on the back of your hands and then lifted them to his lips, kissing each of your hands. You looked away in disgust.

“You destroying my room did not deter my plan for taking you to StarKiller. I hope you know that.” You shut your eyes to try and block him out, but you felt his gaze burning into your skull. Your enraged act of defiance did nothing to help your situation and you began to feel your cheeks glow in embarrassment. “You've got new clothes to change into on the bed. You'll notice they're quite heavy, it gets cold on StarKiller.” You nodded and stood, making your way past Kylo and out the door.

The room was still destroyed, your blood was still stained on the wall directly across from you. Kylo had kept his word, stacked neatly on top of the now bare mattress were clothes for you. A black sweater, black jeans, a heavy black coat, a bra, and a pair of black panties. On the floor was a pair of thick black socks and a pair of boots identical to the ones you wore on your first day. In a haze you dressed as best as you could with the bandages, Kylo stood idly behind you and oversaw your actions. You turned around to receive his approval and he nodded.

“Are you going to be a good girl and walk with me to my Command Shuttle or should I put you to sleep again?” You hated the way he spoke to you as if you were a toddler, it made your stomach churn once more. However, you made the bold decision to ask him to put you under because you felt like if you slept through the journey it would be less painful for you. “You should put me to sleep.”

He raised his eyebrows at your answer, he was surprised at you. “Do you want to eat breakfast before you leave? It's quite a long journey and you'll be asleep for a long time.” You shook your head, beginning to become quite hot in your heavy clothing. “I'll eat when I get there.” With a single nod of his head he walked over to you, placing his hand on your head once more and putting you asleep.

 

You had woken up once while on his shuttle, you were in a small twin sized bed wrapped up in several blankets. You pushed the pain and disappointment to the back of your head, you were now going further away from home. You began to make your way out of bed, wanting to go nowhere in particular, when in the corner you caught sight of Kylo. He was sitting in a huge arm chair, his head was bent down and he was lightly snoring.

It seemed so odd to you that he'd choose to sleep in that uncomfortable looking arm chair rather than the small bed you were in. He was the Commander of the First Order, didn't he and others care about how comfortable he was?

You took one step forward and the sound your boots made on the steel floor woke him up, his head snapping up toward you. “Get back in the bed, y/n.” Wordlessly you made your way back into the small bed, sitting there looking up at him. He stood, taking 3 long strides over to you. “You're in my personal sleeping quarters right now on board my Command Shuttle.” You looked around confused. It was definitely dark in here but it didn't seem like there was much of anything. Just the small bed and arm chair. “We've only been flying for three hours, do you want something to eat before you go back to sleep?”

 

You originally declined his offer, feeling too drowsy and too sick to eat. But, in the end you had agreed to eating a small bowl of fruit after Kylo chastised you for not wanting to eat, apparently he had not picked up on how stressed you were over the entire situation. Afterword a cup of hot coffee was brought, he handed it to you and told you to drink it. You stared, coffee was not one of your favorite beverages. You could recall when you were just 3 years old how you reached for some and spilled it over yourself causing burns all over your body. Ever since then the smell made you ill.

“I don't want it.” You said, handing it back to him. He refused to take it, insisting you drink the entire thing. “Please, I don't want it. I don't like coffee.” The rigid look on his face left you uneasy, he looked like he was going to hit you again. “I said drink it, or I'll burn you with it.” You sighed, hating the fact that he could read your mind and that he used one of your worst memories against you. Gripping the cup tightly you swallowed the heavy and bitter liquid, and when you had finished you hastily handed him the now empty cup. Your chest felt as if it were glowing, it warmed you up so much. Just as you began to enjoy the sensations your throat began to burn terribly and you began to feel dizzy.

“Lay back down. You'll be asleep soon.”

“Did you...Did that have-”

“It's the only thing that will keep you asleep for the rest of our journey. If you have to vomit, do so in this.” He reached behind him and set what appeared to be a trashcan next to the bed, although you couldn't tell because your vision became blurry. He pushed you back slightly and you fell into the bed, it felt like the shuttle did a somersault and you should be spinning toward the ceiling. However, Kylo stood still on the floor the entire time. He brought the covers up over you and patted your cheek. He then turned around, but before you could see where he went you blacked out.

 

\---

He carried her down the ramp of his shuttle, through the snow, into the main hall and down the corridors. His inferiors knew not to stare or question why he was carrying a young sleeping woman into StarKiller base, but his ginger bastard colleague thought differently. As Kylo saw him approaching he almost felt like turning the corner and taking a detour to his quarters, but the girl was becoming heavier in his arms and his quarters were just a few more strides away.

“Ren. What are you doing with a-” Hux began to ask but Kylo kept walking past him, not even acknowledging a word Hux said. “Where have you even been the last three days?” Hux called out to Ren, his face growing quite red with Rens defiance. Hux was aware that Ren would be getting a whore for three days, but he wasn't aware he'd be stationed on the Finalizer and that he'd be bringing her back with him.

Sure, technically speaking Kylo ranked above him, but with his violent temper tantrums and irresponsible behaviors and decisions (carrying an unconscious woman to his quarters that Hux knew nothing about being one of them) Hux often felt like he was superior, like the only reason why Snoke awarded Kylo Commander of the Order and not him was because of his ties with Darth Vader.

“Ren!” Hux shouted down the hall as he watched Kylo effortlessly unlock his blaster door and disappear inside. “ _God damn Force powers.”_ Hux whispered under his breath, then continued on his merry way.

 

Kylo set the girl down onto his bed, his much bigger and comfier bed than on the Finalizer. He shook his arms, willing his blood to come pouring back into his sore limbs. He sat down next to her and removed his helmet and gloves, sitting them both in his lap. The drug should wear off within the next two hours, he thought to himself. He'd need to come up with a plan for her before then.

He figured he could order them an evening meal since it was now late afternoon and make plans for her to receive her birth control implant in the morning. Kylo hated to think what he'd have to do to her if she fell pregnant with his child. That was, in fact, the last thing he needed in his life right now. As he pulled out his tablet to do just that, he kicked himself for not remembering to take the remaining birth control pills with him. He craned his neck and looked at her sleeping form, there would be no sex for him tonight.

_Oh well._ He thought to himself inwardly. He had convinced himself that he would be too tired anyway, jet lag and other effects of space travel being considered. And the girl, she may be nothing but a lifeless doll once her medication wears off, that wouldn't be any fun for either of them. So Kylo decided to place his helmet atop his pile of ashes (he always thought it looked a lot better on the ashes of his enemies) and walk to his relic room, it housed his most prized possession.

He sat and stared at his grandfathers mangled and burned helmet. He wanted to tell him all about his girl, about how his loneliness hasn't been as bad as it used to, about how she loves him. But he didn't. Deep, deep, _deep,_ down inside of himself Kylo knew the girl didn't actually love him. He knew that she showed him kindness and that maybe, in some way shape or form, cared for him; but he couldn't fully tell himself she loved him. He just compartmentalized the fact over and over, choosing to only see what was on the surface of his new slave.

But it didn't matter, because no one had ever made him feel the way he felt like she did.

And so he sought guidance from his grandfather, asked him how he should proceed in this relationship with the girl, and mediated on it, not being able to fully find his answer within himself.

 

–

Waking up never felt so much better. The bed you were in was soft and extremely comfortable. You imagined the memory foam mattress must have cost way more than you were even worth.

Your head was pounding, unlike any hangover you'd ever had before. You sat up slowly, this bed was huge! You sat right in the middle but still had at least two feet on both of your sides. Then the sad reality hit you: You were only in this nice bed because the Commander of the First Order put you there. This was his royal bed, not yours.

You remembered how he drugged you with that disgusting coffee and you figured that's why you currently weren't crying over the situation. You were just sitting there staring at the ceiling, you couldn't lift or move your head even if you tried because of the pain. So that's why when Kylo Ren suddenly appeared by your side, a droid standing near by carting a two platters of food, you could only stare up at him.

“Good evening, love.” You didn't reply.

“How are you feeling?” Nothing.

“Can't speak to your master?” You gave him the slightest of head shakes, thinking about telling him how miserable you felt, but thought better of it. You settled your head down on his pillows once more, closing you eyes tight hoping he'd get the message and leave you alone.

But that never happens, that would have been too much good luck for you. Instead, he sat next to you, removing the plates from the cart and placing them next to him on the bed and then dismissing the droid. “It's time to eat dinner, sit up.” He said to you as he began adjusting the pillows behind you so you could properly support yourself. Very weakly you sat yourself up and he placed the plate in your lap. It was a bowl of soup with noodles floating around in it.

“The effects of the drugs haven't held off yet, so I've gotten you something light for dinner.” He lifted a spoonful to his mouth and lightly blew on it, then stuck it in his mouth with a low slurping noise. You sat staring at the bowl, watching the noodles gently moving about with every small movement Kylo made on the bed. “I, I can't eat.” You simply felt too weak to even lift your arms. Kylo looked at you sternly, then set his bowl down on the table next to you. He moved next to you and took your own bowl into his hands, then proceeded to force feed the soup to you.

You didn't feel like fighting him, fearing he'd burn you or find another way to hurt you. When you had finished it all he set your bowl down inside of his with a clank. “You are too thin for my liking. When I tell you to eat you will eat.” He ran his fingers over your protruding collar bone, he was right. Over the past three days you had only eaten a handful of times, and even before coming here you didn't eat as often as you should have. All you could do was nod your head and say 'yes Master' in response.

Before he left you alone, he told you to sleep because you looked, in his opinion, 'awful.' However, you couldn't sleep, you had slept literally all day. So instead, you sat in his bed listening to him move around in the next room, the sound of his TV emitting soft noises through the wall seemingly wanting to help you calm your nerves.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:  
> 1\. I've officially decided to move to posting twice a week since el baby is due in about two weeks. I'm almost done with the fic anyway, I would just hate to get so wrapped up with him that I forget to post when I've only got a handful of chapters to write. So when would you guys like your second update? Let me know and I'll oblige.  
> 2\. Fun Fact: I think it was this chapter I was going to write a blurb about how Kylo threatens to behead Reader while she's blowing him and she's so afraid she bites him by accident....thought better of it though, lol.  
> 3\. Anyone else obsessed with Nintendo Switch? Not gonna lie, I lost some writing time this week cause I was playing Breath of the Wild.


	8. Sleep, Eat, Fuck, Repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Reader help the First Order with her odd knowledge?

The next morning Kylo stood next to the bed staring at the girls face as it contorted in pain. The doctor dug the smaller of the two needles around her upper arm, no doubt causing his slave tons of pain. “This is just to numb the skin, trust me young lady you don't want this larger needle without it.” She looked over at the doctor just in time to see the bigger needle he was referring to. Kylo watched the blood drain from her face, her eyes locked with the grille in his helmet for a hot second, as if to say 'why are you putting me through this agony?'

The doctor lined the larger needle up with her skin, both Kylo and the girl looked away. He didn't understand why he was having trouble with this procedure. He had killed many times, seen plenty of blood, bones, and internal organs in his life time. Yet when he watched the blood spill from her arm and the tears spill from her eyes in pain, he felt bad. He felt genuinely bad for the girl, wanting to take away her pain and inflict it on one of his enemies instead. He reached down and swabbed her face with his thumb, cleaning the tears away.

When the doctor was finished with the procedure he stood in Kylo's living area and explained that it's best to refrain from intercourse for the next 24-48 hours so the implant can take effect. To which Kylo nodded his head. He didn't have time, however, to be upset at the fact because he needed to get back to the bridge to work. He could almost feel the scowl Hux gave him when he messaged him he'd be late to work that morning. He kissed the girl goodbye, assuring her he'd be back later that night.

 

–

Your life on StarKiller base was almost no different than how it was on the Finalizer. The only difference was his quarters on StarKiller were bigger, had two rooms and a separate kitchen, living room, and dining room. He had told you on day two that you were never allowed in the second bedroom, that he'd know if you went in there while he wasn't there and that he _might_ have to kill you if disobeyed him. “I wouldn't want to have to do that, love. It would be too hard on me.” He said as he kissed your hair and leading you back to the bedroom.

Your life became almost too predictable in the first few weeks with Kylo. First you would sleep, then you would eat, then you would fuck, then you'd sleep again.

Sleep, eat, fuck, repeat. Sleep, eat, fuck, repeat. There were, sometimes, lapses in your routine however. Sometimes he would wake you up to fuck you. Sometimes he'd fuck you in the morning. Sometimes you wouldn't even sleep at all. But, on almost any given day, your pattern was the same. Sleep, eat, fuck, repeat.

The word “master” was also used by you almost everyday. “Yes Master, No Master, thank you for cumming on me in the shower Master.” For some reason it was even worse to you when he referred to himself as master. “Come cuddle with your Master. Rub your Master's feet. Tell your Master how much you love and appreciate him.” You'd obey without question, of course. There was no reason to fight, no reason to cry anymore. Who was going to come save you? You missed the hope that you had on the Finalizer, the only thing that kept you going was the thought of going back to the compound, now all you had was Kylo and his unpredictable moods to look forward to everyday.

One thing you did come to like was when Kylo made you cum. He knew how to do it, he had experimented with you on several occasions. He had learned how to make you cum with his mouth on your nipples or on your cunt, with his fingers, or, if he was very gentle and prodded you just right, with his cock. One of your fondest nights was when you sat in between his knees in the bathtub while he placed open mouthed kisses on your neck and played with your clit until you came three times, then you rode him until you came a fourth time and he a first. That was probably the first and only time you were anything close to a willing participant in the sexual encounters you two shared.

 

One morning he woke you up early by pulling up the grey nightgown he allowed you to wear and kissing you all over your body. He stopped at your nipples, swirling his tongue around one and rolling the other between his two fingers. In your drowsy state you gave into the sensation of his lips, warm, velvety, soft, and supple across your skin. You moaned, then open your eyes to see Kylo perched atop you, pulling his pajama pants down to allow his erection to spring free and rest on your belly.

He stroked himself for a bit, seemingly deciding between just cumming on you or fucking you. The answer was neither. He slid down your body and took your calves in his hands, placing them on his shoulders and scooting you back so your knees bent behind his back. He went down on you, placing kisses and nips where you needed them before sucking your clit into his mouth. Pleasure soared through your veins and you let out a breathy moan, lifting your hips and digging your heels into his back as a silent cry for more. He obliged, flicking his tongue over your now swollen nub in multiple directions, it kind of felt as if he was tracing his name. You could make out a “Y-L-O” before he stopped to lap at you, dragging his warm and skillful tongue in and out of your hole just the way you liked it.

At some point, while enjoying the sensations of pleasure buzzing throughout your lower half you stopped to look at him, something about the lustful look he gave you while his mouth was latched to your sex, the wet noises coming from him, and the early morning bight blue glow in the room pushed you over the edge. You arched your back and pushed your cunt into his mouth as you found your release, shaking almost uncontrollably as he licked you through your aftershocks.

He dropped your legs and made his way onto his knees, dropping his pants down to his thighs and practically jumping into you. He went slow, and when he went this slow you almost always knew what to expect from him. “You look so beautiful when you cum, love. Do you know that?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Don't you love how I can make you feel?” He had placed a hand on your face and softly stroked your cheek, the look in your eyes told you exactly what he wanted from you. “I love you, Kylo.” He groaned and pushed into you as far as he could, his lips were in a tight line as his brown eyes never lost yours. “You were made for me, this cunt was made for me and my cock and my mouth, do you understand, love?” You nodded your head, beginning to feel alarmed at the beginnings of pleasure building up in your loins once more. “Say it, y/n.” He lowered his head to your shoulder as his cock began to pulsate inside of you, you knew if you made this declaration of fake love good this would all be over soon. So with a deep intake of breath, you wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him close, shouting at the top of your lungs: “Kylo I love you!”

Kylo roared in your ear, pulling swiftly out of you and launching his seed all over your belly. This wasn't a very rare occurrence, but it still made your skin crawl to see him squeezing the rest out onto you. You'd much rather him cum inside of you so clean up was easier and you didn't have to see his sperm.

He removed your nightgown, using it first to clean his face then to wipe your belly off. He threw it onto the ground next to him and then moved to position your arm above your head, giving his lips easy access to your birth control mark. He then moved to kiss your ear, whispering to you; “There's someone I want you to meet today.”

 

It took you and Kylo half an hour to get yourselves situated to go out. He handed you a black dress, a pair of black flats as well as a bra. You were hardly surprised when his ensemble did not include panties as he made it extremely clear you were not allowed to have panties while in his care the day after you got your implant. You slipped the dress on, rolling your shoulders a bit to adjust the short sleeves as Kylo began to approach you with a long red ribbon. “Arms up.” He simply said as he walked around you. You lifted your arms and he began to tie the ribbon around your stomach, around the same place his belt was on his belly. He had a similar one for your hair, tying it around your head after brushing your sex hair away.

The final thing he gave you was a small pin, two red letters: a K and an R. He pinned it right next to the First Order logo on your right breast, successfully letting everyone that saw you know that you belonged to him. It should have made you feel more ill than it did, but you were in your third week now and had gotten used to his possessive behaviors.

“When we leave this room, do not touch anything and do not speak unless you're spoken to. When we go to meet him, do _not_ stare at him like an idiot. There's nothing on this base that you should be afraid of. Do not wander off either, stay close to me. Understand?” You nodded your head at him, watching as he lifted his helmet onto his head. He had just pressed the button to open the door when he turned around and lifted his finger at you. “And if you see an angry looking man with red hair walking toward you, walk in the other direction.” You had no idea who he was talking about, but you figured he was joking because he'd never let you run away from him.

StarKiller base might as well have been the Finalizer for all you knew. Twists, turns, black and grey corridors lined the place and you barely knew where you were by the 4th turn. Stormtroopers roamed the hallways, blasters in hand. The ones who were stationary saluted Kylo and you as you walked by, and the people dressed like officers did the same, offering you two smiles. You dare not smile back at them, fearing what Kylo may or may not do to you for making contact with other people.

Kylo had stopped at an elevator and pressed the “up” button, you two waited in silence before the “ding” noise indicated the elevator had reached your floor. When it opened a young man in a lieutenant's uniform stepped out. The poor man was a nervous wreck. When he saw Kylo standing in front of him he literally looked like he had shit his pants. “S-Sir!”

“Lieutenant Mitaka, I don't have the time.” Kylo said to him. “No, no sir! I was just sent to inform you...that-” he gulped. “It's about the droid, Sir. We've found out what kind of droid carried the map. B-But it's not very common. Of course that helps us, sir. It'll be easier to spot, but at the same time-”

“Get to the point, Mitaka. What kind if droid is it?”

“It's a BB Unit. Reports from the raid on Jakku last night said it's bright orange and white, unlike any other BB droid any one has ever seen.”

“And it was seen leaving with a girl?”

“Yes sir, she appeared to be a scavenger of some sort.”

“I see. Report to General Hux and I want another fleet sent to Jakku as soon as possible to recover that droid.” Kylo turned to you, you had taken to messing with the wall pretending not to be listening to their conversation. “Dismissed, Mitaka.” He took a hold of your hand and pulled you into the elevator. “I told you not to touch anything!” He said as he pressed the number 12 button. You muttered a small sorry then sat in silence as the elevator ascended upward.

One elevator ride, three long corridors and one bout of dizziness later you and Kylo found yourselves standing in front of two giant twin doors. They were doors of royalty, some strange writing and symbols drawn in the wood on the sides. The handles looked as if they were the length of your entire arm. Kylo gripped one, beginning to pull but then stopped himself, turning to look at you. “Repeat what I told you before we left.” You gulped, recalling what he said to you in the correct order. “You said don't touch anything, don't speak unless I'm spoken to, and don't stare.”

“No. I said don't stare like an idiot.” You sighed, wondering if you had ever stared at him like an idiot before-what made him think you'd stare at anyone in this organization like an idiot? Regardless, you nodded your head and answered him with a “yes Master.”

The room you entered was cold, causing goosebumps to rise on your exposed skin. “Put your arms down and be respectful.” Kylo chastised you when you held yourself in a hug to warm yourself up. It smelled of fog, and from the slightly damp feeling on your skin you thought you had walked into a dense fog as well. You couldn't see a thing, the only indication for you to stop walking was the sound of Kylo's boots stopping and the mechanical noises of his helmet coming off.

“I have brought her, Supreme Leader.” Almost as soon as the words left Kylos mouth, there was a flash of bright light, it felt like the room had gotten colder. Once your eyes adjusted you saw a monstrous looking being sitting in front of you. He was a giant, you had to bend your back slightly to look up at him. He looked old, withered, and had a huge scar down the center of his face, but from the way his form began to blink and move slightly you could tell he was a holographic projection.

When he leaned down to look at you more closely you shut your eyes, remembering what Kylo told you: _Don't stare like an idiot, be respectful._ So with the bravest face you could come up with you opened your eyes, staring up into the dark holes that were its eyes.

“This is the girl you picked?” He blinked, lifted a hand to his face to rub his chin. “The girl was picked for me by someone at her compound. I know you wanted to see her since I have decided to keep her, and I thought now would be a good time” a few seconds of silence went by and you worried that maybe this person (thing? Alien?) was disappointed in you, that he thought you didn't help Kylo at all and wanted you thrown off the base.

“I've had to teach her a lot, when she first came to me she was quite unruly, didn't know anything about respect for the people above her. Did you see how she trashed my room on the Finalizer?” On the inside you cringed, you didn't know why Kylo felt he had to lie so much about you, why he had to make you look like such a horrible person when all you wanted to do was please him so he wouldn't punish you.

“A girl that loses her temper and deals with it in a similar way as you do, Kylo.” Out of the corner of your eye you could see Kylo's face fall into a grimace, and you smiled at the fact that his lies backfired onto him. “Yes, well I've broken her down quite a lot. I still have some work left to do with her, Supreme Leader.”

“Very well, son. She may stay within the Order then as your companion.” You couldn't stop your stomach from doing a flip at the word “companion.” You would have preferred he said the word “whore” instead. “Thank you, Supreme Leader.”

“Young lady...” You jumped slightly as, for the first time, the hologram acknowledged you. “You're doing a good job keeping up with your new master. Your work is not going unseen in the First Order.” You plastered a fake smile on your lips and nodded your head, remembering to add a “Thank you, Supreme Leader Snoke, sir.”

“As for you, Kylo. Have you heard the news about the droid yet?” Ah! The droid he was speaking about earlier, the BB Unit. You didn't want to think about it at the moment because you didn't want Kylo to know you had eavesdropped on him.

It had been a long time since you had seen a BB droid. Daniel had one for a while that he would let you play with and talk to, but it didn't last very long on the compound. You thought it was quite odd that it was orange, the one on the compound was a simple grey and black and all of the others were just black and white. Must have been a custom made droid, you thought. But then again, BB Droids were known for their speed and thus were often black and white for camouflage, so they can stay hidden. It just made no sense that the droid was orange to you.

Suddenly Kylo was grabbing your wrist and dragging you out of the cold room, down the corridors and into the elevator once again. “You did well, y/n.” You looked up and smiled at him, a part of you happy for his approval. “Thank you, Mater.” You replied, happy that he wouldn't be beating you when you got back to his quarters.

As a reward, Kylo took you to the cafeteria and let you pick out whatever you wanted for lunch. Although the food didn't look as appetizing as the food that he had sent to his quarters, you grew excited at the variety of foods sitting in front of you. Tons of different meats and veggies and pasta dishes and deserts sat in front of you, and you had a hard time choosing what you wanted. You went through the line and picked out a serving of macaroni and cheese, a slice of pepperoni pizza, a small slice of chocolate cake, and a bottle of orange soda. When you got to the front of the line Kylo had the attendant box up your food, to which the attendant smiled and saluted him.

 

You ate you delicious food alone in his quarters in front of his TV watching some sort of cartoon. Of course it was all First Order propaganda for the children in the organization, but it was still kind of interesting none the less. A child rescued by Stormtroopers and given a good home in the Order for one episode, Kylo Ren Vs the evil Jedi in another. Part of it made you ill but you just couldn't stop watching.

After your lunch you decided to work out for a while you waited on the Commander to show back up. You had gotten good at sit ups and push ups over the weeks and took pride in your arm muscles and abs coming in ever so slowly. When you had finished you went to the bathroom and washed up. Kylo didn't allow you to shower without his permission, so you had to make due with standing naked in front of the sink and using hand soap and a wash cloth to remove the sweat from your body.

When you ran the cloth over your breasts, however, you jumped at how sore and sensitive they had become over the course of the day. You studied yourself in the mirror, had they gotten bigger as well? You shook your head, you were being silly. They were just a little sore because of all the stress you were in that day, then you ate all that food and did all those push ups. That was it, that was all. You pushed the thought to the back of your mind as you dried off, there was absolutely nothing to worry about.

You dressed in a new night gown and waited patiently for Kylo to come home, you didn't know what he would want from you tonight. He had already fucked you once today, you didn't think he'd want to fuck you again. Maybe a hand job, or a blow job in the recliner in the living room? There was no real way to tell- so you sighed and took to just waiting in the bed. Your mind went back to your sink bath earlier, there was no way you could be pregnant. All those pills he had you take on the Finalizer and you've had the implant for three weeks now.

When you were taken from the compound you didn't have time to grab your simple period tracker, a string of different colored beads and a black rubber band to determine what part of your cycle you were on. You seemed to remember moving it that morning and there was about a month left till your next period. But would you even get a period with this implant? You knew your girls were all on birth control and the birth control stopped their periods, but they all got a shot every 3 months. You didn't know how the implant would affect your body.

Maybe the best thing to do would be talk with Kylo about it tonight. After all, you were his property and he deserved to know what was going on with your body.

 

That night before you went to sleep Kylo ordered you to cuddle with him in bed. This was an act that showed up within your first week here, and it was something you couldn't really get used to. Some nights he would go from being extremely rough with you, throwing you around the bed room and putting his hands on you to gently rubbing your back as you curled into his side in the bed.

Tonight you were laying on his chest as he held your waist tightly, his chin rested on top of your head and the rise and fall of his chest as well as his heartbeat began to lull you to sleep. He was in such a good mood that you decided not to ask him about your conflict, that could wait for another day.

But from there you just couldn't get it out of your mind. You curled your limbs around him and sighed, wondering if it was even worth worrying about. It was either a baby or it wasn't, there was nothing you could even do about it now except for wait and see.

“It's just a side effect, love.” The vibrations of his chest startled you, you didn't even know what to say to him at that point. “Birth control creates side effects like the one you're worrying about. There's nothing to be afraid of.” Well, that put you at a ease just a tad bit more. Although you were slightly embarrassed at the fact that the birth control was inside of your body but you knew nothing about how it worked, but Kylo seemed to know everything about it. “The First Order issued birth control is of the highest quality and has the lowest rate of failure out there. You are not pregnant.” You half expected him to call you an idiot or some other demeaning nickname he had given you, but he didn't. In fact, by the quickened pace of his hard and rigidness of his body you almost thought he was nervous about something too.

Without warning, he moved to flip you onto your back, he placed his hands on either side of your shoulders and stared at you with a scowl. You began opening your legs for what you thought was coming next, but instead he surprised you.

“What do you know about BB Unit Droids?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter that runs along TFA Timeline. In my fic BB Droids are fairly new, not even The First Order knew about them.  
> Good thing Reader does though!


	9. To Take Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to think of your captor as a monster when he can be so loving.

Kylo handed you his tablet and instructed you to draw a picture of the droid with as much detail as you could possibly fit. “Um, I've never actually seen an orange droid. It would just be a generic BB Unit.” Kylo looked at you, removing the pen from its holder and placing it firmly in your right hand. “Just draw what you can.” You nodded, then got to work on your drawing.

The BB line of droids were all spherical, the head of the droid was dome shaped and had two antennae on top as well as a camera for the central “eye” and and projector next to it. Around the body there were compartments of various sizes that contained various tools to help aid their masters. You drew front, back, and side models of the BB droid, by far the hardest part was getting the color down. You over heard it was orange and white but had no idea where its owner would have placed the custom colors. You opted for making the head of the droid completely white while making the body orange around the compartments, creating giant orange rings.

You flipped through your drawings, finally satisfied with your work. You looked over to hand the tablet to Kylo only to see that he was fast asleep, sitting up against the headboard of the bed with his head sagging over his left shoulder, a small bit of drool seeping out of his mouth. You checked the time on the tablet and gasped to see it was already almost 3 in the morning, you had started drawing at around 10 pm.

“M-Master?” You nudged him awake gently and he stirred, lifting his head and staring at you. “I've finished drawing the droid. I've drawn four different angles, labeled every part that I was familiar with, and colored it as best as I could. I'm sorry that it took so long.”

“No trouble, thank you for drawing them out.” He flipped through the four pages on the tablet looking over your drawings. “You draw very well.” He said, placing the tablet onto the table next to the bed. You thanked him, remembering how much you used to draw before Larkin had taken you. It was something that calmed you, an outlet of sorts. When you didn't want to focus on how bad one of the girls were doing you could go to your room and just put all of your time and attention into drawing.

“I'm going to have these photos reproduced and shown to my staff so they know what to look for. Thank you love.” He reached over and turned the light off and settled into bed. You followed his lead, an intense feeling of pride blooming throughout your body. You had actually done something to help aid the First Order in whatever it was they needed the droid for! Although the First Order would not have been your first pick in the war, you felt like after weeks of slavery and being miserable you had finally done something good and helpful.

 

–

Kylo was more than impressed at the drawings the girl did, as soon as his alarm went off he found himself hurrying to the General's office to show him. “I have schematics of the droid we're looking for.” He announced as he entered the office without knocking. Hux turned from his computer to face Ren who was now shoving his holopad into his face. Hux took it from him and admired the drawings, flipping through them just as Ren had the night before. “Hmm. Impressive. This is what the droid looks like?”

“As far as the frame and compartments, yes. The color scheme is still up in the air.” The General nodded. “Where did you get these from? Surely _you_ didn't draw these yourself, Ren.” Kylo stopped in his tracks, he didn't think Hux would ask about where the drawings came from. “They came from a reliable source. I will send these to you for reproduction immediately.”

“Did you have the girl you keep locked in your rooms draw these for you?” Kylo spun around and looked at Hux suspiciously. “Yes, she did.”

“Hmm. Well I'm glad to see she has more uses than being a fuck toy.” He said with a snarl. Something about that struck a nerve within Kylo. Yes, she was definitely more to him than a “fuck toy,” she loved him and he took care of her. “Is that all you use her for? Her drawing skill and her pussy? Or do you also beat her, hmm Ren? I saw what you did to her on the Finalizer, everyone did and everyone knew that you nearly beat her to death. Do you enjoy taking your anger our on defenseless young women? Have you no morals or values?”

Kylo cringed, everything with the girl had been going so well and he hated to remember that awful night he lost control. He didn't want to hurt her, and even when he does get a little too rough with her he always makes sure to apologize, to kiss every one of her bruises, cuts, and bite marks. Because how was she supposed to love him if he didn't?

“What goes on between my gift and I is none of your business.” What exactly was Hux trying to get out of this conversation? He normally liked to get on Kylo's nerves but he felt like Hux was trying to guilt trip him for keeping a slave.

Before Hux had an opportunity to even speak Kylo intervened. “Are you jealous, General? Jealous about the fact that I have a woman to come home to every night that loves me?” Hux chucked once more, Kylo wished he could wipe that shit eating grin off of his face so bad. “No, Ren. I can happily say I'm not. I don't have any need to be jealous of a man that had to _buy_ a woman and force her into his bed every night. I guarantee she doesn't love you, it's just a survival technique so you don't kill her.”

Kylo became enraged, beginning to storm out of Hux's office as to not take his anger out of him. “Oh, and Ren!” Hux called out to him causing Kylo to stop abruptly. “Maybe you should keep an eye on your _fuck toy_. Don't you think it's odd she knew exactly what a BB Unit looks like and could draw it perfectly?” Kylo thought for a second over what Hux was saying to him. “Just what are you implying, General?” There was no way, absolutely no way what he was saying was true. Hux nodded his head down the hall and then walked over to close his door. “Have a good day, Ren.” He slammed the door, further enraging the Knight.

 

–

 

Kylo brought more than dinner to you that night. He entered his quarters with a droid carting two plates of food, but atop the cart was also a big brown book. He saw you eyeing the book and food, then asked you to sit and eat before he gave you the book. So you did, Kylo was asking you some pretty strange questions about your life before Larkin. Questions like what side of the war your parents and grand parents were on, what did you know about the Resistance and the First Order, the Empire, and so on and so forth. Your answers were almost always an “I don't know” because all of your life you were kept away from the war. It mattered not which side the men were on that your sisters were sold to, as long as they kept them satisfied and Larkin was paid at the end of the day.

Once you two were done eating and you had thanked Kylo for the food, he placed the plates on the cart and took the book from it. The droid was dismissed and he handed it to you, watching you with his intense gaze. The cover was a simple brown, no words to give away what kind of book it is. There was, however, what appeared to be a linear burn mark in the lower left hand corner. You ran your fingers over it and some of the charred debris stained your fingers. “What kind of-”

“Open it and find out, love.” You followed Kylo's instruction and opened the cover only to find a blank white page. You turned that page and found another, then another, and another. “There are no words.” Kylo stared at you dumbfounded, like he couldn't believe that you just told him there were no words in the book. “It's an art book you fool. I got it so you could draw in it.”

“Ooooooh. Oh!” You became extremely excited at the prospect of having an actual sketch book. All you had before hand was a note book that you originally used as a diary. “Thank you Master! I love it!” You had looked up just in time to see him reach into his coat pocket and pulled out a huge collection of colored pencils. You felt like your smile could have reached your ears!

“I'm glad you like it.” Kylo said as he stood, making his way next to you and beginning to unzip his pants. “Now thank me love.”

You absentmindedly bobbed your head on his cock. This was probably the thing you hated most about pleasuring Kylo Ren. The taste was not quite unpleasant, but it was something you'd rather not taste on a regular basis. You hated how powerless you must have looked to him, how he got to stand and enjoy your mouth while you nearly chocked yourself with his member. But Kylo loved it, you learned quickly that he preferred oral sex over vaginal. You figured because it was sweet, quick, submissive release. He almost always made you swallow his load, then liked to see you lick the tip of his dick clean for him. On the off chance he decided to finish on you instead he usually made you use your fingers to bring his seed to your mouth and clean yourself up.

He opted to jerk himself over your open mouth tonight till he came, grinning at the sight of you holding his thick white cum on your tongue. He never allowed you to swallow until he commanded it, you didn't think you'd ever get the taste of his overly salty seed out of your mouth. “I should take you to see Snoke again with my cum on your mouth just like this. He'd be proud.” He patted your cheek and then allowed you to swallow, as he turned around you allowed yourself to silently gag.

You sat in the bed next to him that night just looking over your gifts. You had no idea what to draw first. You were really good at drawing things, not necessarily people or landscapes. While you were deep in thought Kylo latched onto your thigh, causing you to look up at him. “Why haven't you drawn anything yet?” He asked you quite sharply. “I just don't know what to draw.” You shrugged at him, he seemed content enough with your answer and went back to playing on his tablet. “What do you like to draw?” Once again, you shrugged.

“Draw my helmet on its stand then.” He motioned over to the pedestal that held his helmet in the corner of the bedroom. Inside your head you giggled at him, of course he'd want a drawing of his own helmet. You turned around and looked at it, it would take a long time to get it done and you wanted to offer to do it tomorrow for him. But then you realized he'd take the helmet with him when he left and that would do you no good.

“Hmm, well I can start it tonight and finish it tomorrow night if that's okay?” He looked over at his helmet once more and then nodded his head. With a slight smile you scurried out to the living room to grab a dining room chair, placing it in front of the stand. You sat in front of it, studying it for a very long time. The way the light shined off the grille, every little bump and crevice and flat surface, the muzzle, the small, almost invisible latches on the side, you started to appreciate the intricate design. With one more glance over to Kylo, you began the beginning sketches.

 

–

“Come to bed now love.” Kylo sat soundly on his back with his arm over his eyes. He wanted to go to bed ten minutes ago, but he wanted to award the girl some extra time to do her drawing.

He loved how obedient she was, as soon as the words left his lips she stood, moved the chair, set her sketch book and pencils down on the bedside table, and got into bed next to him. He could not have asked for a better mate.

The next day Kylo busied himself with work on finding the droid. The next raid on Jakku saw the droid slip right through his hands, the girl and an accomplice flying away into the sunset. He growled as he wondered why his people could not follow a simple task. Maybe he'd need to go with them during the next capture, whenever they locate the droid again.

Kylo had to take work home with him that night, meaning he had to have his attention glued to the tablet at most times to find out when/if one of his undercover First Order agents or ground troopers would sight the droid. He was a bit disappointed that he couldn't watch the girl draw, he had a good time just observing her while she lost herself in her work the previous night. But the droid was much more important to his organization, and he couldn't let the girl distract him. He reasoned within himself that he'll always have the girl, but an opportunity to get the map to his uncle was few and far between.

Kylo sat in bed reading over the latest report, trying desperately not to look at the girl as she completed her work. But absolutely nothing new came up.

_The orange and white BB Unit that carries the map to Luke Skywalker was seen flying away on a large metal freighter. It was accompanied by a woman (mid twenties, brown and tan scavenger-esque attire, brown hair in three loose buns) and a man (mid twenties, African American, brown and red jacket, back shirt and black pants). Tie Fighters gave chase but were shot down by the freighter and lost their coordinates._

Kylo grit his teeth as that was what the last two reports said to the T. He wondered why they could not have gotten a better description of the freighter. The words “large” and “metal” described almost every freighter in the galaxy, including his fathers. A chill went down his spine and his neck twitched. He hated that man with such a passion, hated him and is Millennium Falcon. He leaned his head back, staring at the glowing First Order logo on the screen while thinking: _Wouldn't it be some shit if the droid was on the Millennium Falcon itself?_ He chuckled to himself for a second, but stopped mid laugh when he heard a small squeak come from the girl.

She was still sitting in her chair in front of the mask, only she was doubled over in discomfort. The book toppled to the floor as did the pencil she was using, she had her arms wrapped tightly around her abdomen. He had just opened his mouth to ask what was wrong when she leaned down and picked up the book and pencils and got back to work, albeit with a pained look on her face. He decided to leave her alone, if she felt fine enough to continue drawing she was probably okay.

So he read the report again:

_The orange and white BB Unit that carries the map to Luke-_

“Aaaaaah!” Kylo looked up once more to see the book and pencil on the floor, the girl bent over again with a tight grip on her stomach practically falling out of the chair. “Y/n! What is wrong with you?” The girl muttered something under her breath that he could not make out. He sprang up out of the bed and went to her side, easing her back into place. “What?” He practically shouted at her, the beginnings of fear coursing through him. “It-it hurts!”

“What hurts? Where does it hurt?” He asked as if he had any medical knowledge to know what was wrong with her. Her face twisted with pain, tears began to stream down her face and Kylo really began to panic. “Tell me where it hurts y/n, now!” She sucked in a deep breath and pointed at her womb. Kylo took a step back from her, watching as she tried to relax herself. He turned to get his tablet to call for a medical assistant to come to his quarters, but when he looked back up she was getting up and hobbling to the bathroom.

He stood idle for a second, listening as intently as he could from the other side of the bathroom, but he heard nothing. No screaming, crying, moaning, whimpers, nothing. He began to worry about the night he didn't get the contraceptive in her right away, she had already noticed one of the signs of pregnancy in herself. Yes, he had reassured her that it was just a side effect (which it very well could be), but he had failed to reassure himself as well. He hoped whatever was wrong with her right now had nothing to do with pregnancy and more to do with birth control or something else that was fixable.

“Master!” She cried out, bringing his attention to the bathroom door. “What is it love?” He said, trying desperately to hide the crack in his voice. “I'm bleeding.”

“Bleeding where?” A groan from the other side of the door caused him to grab the door knob and twist, only to find it was locked. “I, I've gotten my period, Master.” A massive wave of relief washed over him as he let go of the knob. “That's it? There's nothing wrong?”

“No Master. It's just really heavy and really painful.” Kylo sighed and smiled a bit to himself. Periods meant no babies, so they were both safe.

“What do you need love? Do you want to see a doctor tonight?”

“No Master. I just need supplies please.”

“Supplies, right.” He whispered to himself. Kylo wasn't completely ignorant of the female reproductive system, he knew what to grab from medbay: Pads, tampons, pain meds. He'd also need underwear and maybe a few special food items to help her through it. Although he thought himself stupid for not already having some on him, since the girl would now be living with him. Why didn't he think to get any before-she'd obviously need some and some point. “I'll be back, love. Stay right there don't move.” He didn't think twice about leaving his quarters that instant.

 

–

Pretty much from the second you felt the glob fall from your body you knew what was going on, and you couldn't have been more _relieved._ Yes, your period was much heavier and much more painful than it normally was, but at least it was a sign that you were not with child. You figured it was the birth control, maybe this would be your only heavy period, maybe there'd be one or two more, you just hoped all your periods would not be like this.

Another cramp, another blob into the toilet. You winced, clutching your abdomen and silently wishing you were dead. You wanted to get up and go lay down, but Kylo had told you to stay put and you didn't want to get blood all over his bedroom. You breathed as deeply as you could, counting the seconds between each cramp and praying Kylo would hurry back with period supplies so you could just go to sleep.

No more than 15 minutes later you heard a shuffling noise from the other side of the door. “Y/n, you can come out now. Your stuff is on the bed.” For a second, you felt bad for Kylo. The poor guy had to go out at this time of night just to get you some pads. It must have embarrassed him, to be the Commander of the First Order and be seen rushing down the halls with your hands full of feminine hygiene products.

But then your idea changed. There was nothing to be embarrassed about! Periods were natural, and you figured if he ever planned on being with any woman he'd have to get some eventually. You reasoned you had nothing to be embarrassed about either, so you confidently stood from the toilet, grimaced at all the blood that filled it, flushed, then made your way back to the bedroom.

Kylo was nowhere to be seen. However, what was on the bed made you smile despite your pain. Three different boxes of pads, two boxes of tampons, a stack of underwear, two bottles of pain medication (one specifically for period pain, another just typical pain meds), and an electronic heating pad. As you moved closer and took stock of everything that was there you noticed a box of chocolate chip cookies as well as-no way. There was no way the big bad Jedi Killer was this knowledgeable about periods that he knew to bring you a giant bar of chocolate. The thing must have been the size of your own head.

You didn't wait for him to return, instead grabbing a pair of panties off the top and the box of pads and making your way to the bathroom to clean yourself up and get yourself situated to sleep. You returned with a glass of water and immediately grabbed the period pain specific pills, taking one like it was a piece of candy. You took another look at the helmet and the book on the floor, thinking you could probably at least finish up the bigger details so you could just shade and add smaller details tomorrow, but the painful cramp in your uterus told you to do other wise.

You sat happily in bed for five minutes eating both the cookies and the giant chocolate bar at the same time. Kylo walked in startling you slightly, he had such a soft look on his face. His mouth twisted from a line into something that could be compared to a smile, and as he started walking toward you you noticed a hot cup of tea in his hand.

“I see you found the treats.” You smiled at him and nodded your head. “Did you take the medication that I left out for you?” He handed you the cup and you inhaled the earthy scent, taking a small sip and letting it warm you up. You assured him that you had, then placed the tea down on the bedside table so you could take another bite of your chocolate bar. Kylo took your chin into his hand and began to stroke your lower lip, the look of lust in his eyes intoxicated you almost immediately. “Tomorrow I still want to have you evaluated to make sure everything is okay.” You nodded, you couldn't believe how tender and thoughtful he had been just now, making sure you had everything you needed for your period and more.

So you did something you never thought you'd do again, you leaned up and hugged him. You felt like he really cared about you tonight, like you were more to him than just a slave and you wanted to show your gratitude. You could almost feel the awkwardness radiating off of him at the weird angle he stood bent over to hug you back, so you got up on your knees to meet him. The hug didn't last much longer after that, then you just found yourself holding onto him while he held you. Your face rested in the palms of his hands while you held onto his forearms.

Then you kissed him.

Passion.

You could feel the passion he had for you while your lips locked together for the very first time. He pulled away from you and looked at you as if trying to figure out if you were real. You smiled at him, then kissed him once more figuring this would be the best way to say thank you.

He leaned down onto the bed, climbing over you and pulling you on top of him, being careful to not break the kiss. The man was an excellent kisser, no doubt.

When he finally broke the kiss you could still see the passion he had for you in his eyes, his lips were slightly swollen and red, he looked gorgeous. He said nothing, just grabbed your head and forced it down onto his chest. His heart beat was rapid, it held you at ease in that moment as you reached up to nest your fingers in his hair. At the same time, he stroked the back of your head and held you close to him.

In that moment, you thought you could learn to love the monster that is Kylo Ren.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point in time Finn has already escaped The First Order. Poe isn't anywhere in this fic so he probably escaped by himself.


	10. The Helmet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But things were going so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets a little wild so hang on dear readers. 
> 
> New character is introduced in the next chapter, keep your eyes open!

You and Kylo said no words as you fell asleep next to him, and he said no words as he got up to plug the heating pad in and place it on your womb, tucking it into your panties to keep it in place throughout the night. You didn't even know until you woke up the next morning and he was lightly massaging your abdomen under the heating pad. “You seemed restless so I thought I'd try to help.” You smiled up at him, admiring his caring brown eyes. “Thank you M-”

“Would you like another cup of tea?” You brought your attention to the now cold cup of tea from last night. “Um, no. I think I'll pass for now.” You said as you began to stand, thankful that Kylo went out of his way to heat and massage some of the pain in your uterus away before hand. You made your way past him and to the bathroom. “Breakfast?” You turned toward him, standing at the bathroom door looking at him. “Sure.”

“Oatmeal?”

_Figures someone as worthless as you would like a meal as worthless as oatmeal._

The memory of that morning flew by in your head and caused your face to fall flat. “Um. No. I'm actually not-”

“I'm sorry.” You immediately halted your speech. “M-Mas-”

“I'm sorry about how I treated you on the Finalizer. You don't deserve it, you never deserved it.” Your heart was pounding in your ears and you almost couldn't believe what you were hearing. “You are important to me, I want you to know that.” Your hands trembled as you steadied yourself on the door frame. You nodded at him, not sure what to say or do at that point. The look in his eye wasn't telling you to say “I love you.” More like pleading for something else. Your forgiveness, maybe? Your love? To tell him he was just as important to you? You didn't know, and you were uncomfortable standing around waiting to find out, so your ducked into the bathroom to refresh yourself.

You got yourself a new pad, too one of your pain pills, and ran water over your face. You had come to terms with the fact that the man you met on the Finalizer was not the same man you had made out with last night, him apologizing about it just so happened to throw you off. Even this new side of him didn't seem like the type to apologize.

You didn't love him, you told yourself over and over. You could admit that _maybe_ you cared about him, that you were thankful for everything he did for you: the sketch book, period products, delicious food, a comfortable bed, and clothes. With the exception of the forced sex, (which you had gotten used to by now, you weren't even sure if you could call it forced anymore) and the occasional slap to the face, you had grown to like your life on StarKiller base, it was certainly a lot better than life on the compound. All the kiss meant to you was a new way to thank him, to thank him in a way that he would understand and appreciate.

With a heavy sigh you told yourself you couldn't hide in the bathroom from Kylo all day, so you made your way out only to find the same doctor that inserted your birth control standing in your bedroom. “Oh, good morning Miss y/n.” You crossed your arms behind your back and shuffled from foot to foot. “Morning.”

“Lay down on the bed love.” Kylo was all of the sudden standing next to you, grabbing your arm and leading you over to the bed. You noticed there was now a thick plastic cover over your bed and a thin white paper sheet like what you'd see on a doctors table. “So, you've been having some strange symptoms since you've gotten your implant, yes?” You nodded and shot Kylo a look, not ready to have another person poking and prodding your intimate area-especially while you're bleeding.

So you told the doctor about your swelling breasts and your insanely heavy and painful period, to which he assured you and Kylo that they were both side effects of the birth control, that while it's uncommon to get a heavier period after insertion, some women still do and it's normal.

“Your period should go back to the way it's been within your next few cycles.” He said as he pulled on some gloves. You began to wince as you spread your legs for him, readying yourself for him to examine. “Oh, um. Commander we didn't-”

“Y/n close your legs.” You opened your eyes and looked at Kylo who looked rather irritated. “You could have told her that, doctor. You may address her as she is the one in pain, not me.” You bit your lip, biting back a smile. Kylo had stood up for you in an otherwise embarrassing situation and you loved it. The only one embarrassed right now was the doctor.

He felt the top of your belly and the sides as well as examined your implant. As he stood to leave he advised you to stay on the medication Kylo got you and that if you bleed more than ten days to summon him. Kylo thanked him and then returned to your side, taking a hold of your hand and kissing your knuckles. “He wanted to perform an internal exam, that's why there's coverings on the bed. But I told him you were in pain and we could do that if his regular findings came up abnormal.”

“Thank you M-” He placed a finger to your lips and shushed you, catching you by complete surprise. “You can call me Kylo, from now on.” A strange feeling began to bloom in your chest, a feeling you couldn't quite put your finger on. Was it, adoration? Acceptance? You honestly didn't know. What you did know, however, was Kylo was now allowing you to talk to him on a more personal level. He was now regarding you as more of an equal than a slave girl-and you didn't even know what to think of that.

Kylo surprised you in that moment by climbing over you and gently moving your legs apart. “What are you doing?” You asked, taking the hem of your nightgown and pulling it down as far as you could. Kylo responded by yanking the garment from your hand and pushing it up. He ran his fingers over your underwear once, he seemed to be frustrated he could not feel your lips because of the pad. “Do you mind if I...” He began pulling at the elastic of your underwear, at a loss of words. “You, you want to see?” You asked, not quite understanding what Kylo wanted out of this situation.

He gave you a small nod. “I've never been intimate with a woman on her period before. I am just curious.” You gave him a blank look, even you hated washing or touching yourself while you were bleeding. “But, there's blood and it smells bad!” You protested. He shrugged, beginning to pull your panties down your thighs. “I am Kylo Ren, I've seen more blood than you've ever seen and I've smelled far worse in the jungles of various planets.” He locked eyes with you but stopped pulling your panties down, as if asking for your permission.

You took a deep breath and thought, Kylo couldn't be as grossed out as you thought if he actually wanted to explore you. This was something he wanted to do, and as his slave, or room mate or whatever you were to him now he had the right to do that to you. Besides, last night you were telling yourself there was nothing to be afraid of or embarrassed about, periods were natural and every woman got them. So what if Kylo was curious, he was a man and didn't get to bleed once every month, of course he was curious.

You nodded your head once, then closed your eyes, feeling the fabric of your panties fall down your legs slowly and fluidly. He placed his hands on your knees and spread them wide, you opened one eye and saw that he was quite surprised by Kylo standards. It was, to be completely honest with yourself, mesmerizing to watch him touch you so tenderly. He ran his thumbs up and down your labia, no doubt he was taking note of the fact that they were swollen and red. His thumb switched to your clit and you jumped at the sensation. He looked up at you, even more curious now. “Sensitive?”

You nodded, then sighed as he began to rub slow circles around it just like when he pleasured you. With his other hand he slowly drove a finger inside of you and you gasped. You had never once thought about orgasming during your period, never thought about how good it may or may not feel. But as you clenched around his fingers you began to wonder why you never have done it before. “Research says cumming while your on your period takes cramps away.” His voice was very sing-song, like he knew what conflict you were having at the moment and was enjoying himself. “Do you want to try?”

You thought for a second, you originally didn't want to but you reasoned with yourself that this experience was not about you, it's about Kylo and his curiosities.

“Don't think like that, love. This is about you too. It's your body and you deserve to know what happens to it.” He curled his fingers inside of you and you felt another wave of pleasure wash over your body. “Think of it like an experiment, if that helps.”

“Mm, okay...” You wanted to call him Master, but you remembered your conversation from earlier. “Kylo.” A pleased smile played across his lips and he kissed your thigh before he continued.

He got you off just like he would normally do, inserting two fingers and curling them against your front wall, using his thumb to play with your clit until you came onto his fingers-a lot harder than usual. After you had came down he removed his fingers. It looked as if he had fingered a blaster wound! His digits were coated with blood, some parts diluted with your cum so they were not fully red. Some parts even had smaller clots attached. He rolled the blood and cum between his fingers and you looked away in shame. Kylo stood and went into the bathroom, rinsing his fingers off and then made his way back to you while you were scrambling to find your panties. He placed a hand on your shoulder and steered you toward the shower.

For the first time ever you showered with him and didn't feel uncomfortable, even as your blood dripped down your leg and swirled across the shower floor, he seemed un bothered. You scrubbed yourself as Kylo scrubbed himself, but evidently he could pick up on your worry. He took your chin in his hand and moved your face to look at him. “I've told you love, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's your body and your blood, there's nothing gross about it.” You nodded at him, letting a small smile spread across your lips. You couldn't believe how accepting he was being toward the issue, even taking into consideration how it made you feel to be around him. That was something you'd never thought the Kylo Ren you met on the Finalizer would do.

He took it upon himself to hold you close against him, moving his hands from your face down your body and resting on your hips. You felt so safe in his arms, you hugged him right back letting your hands rest on his shoulder blades and your cheek against his chest. You didn't know how long you sat there holding each other, you ravished the warm lovely feeling that spread throughout your body as his arms held you tighter. Sure you two were standing naked in a shower, but there was nothing sexual about the situation.

He kissed you on top of your head, you reacted by kissing him in the center of his chest. It was a bold move, you thought to yourself, but you thought he deserved it.

Then he kissed you right on your hairline, you kissed him on his chest again.

He kissed you on your brow, you kissed his chest once more.

He kissed your cheek, you kissed his chest.

Then he took your chin in his hands once more and brought his lips to yours.

The kiss was hungry, passionate, full of life. Much better than the kiss from last night, you had to admit. You ran your hands through his silky wet hair and pulled him toward you, wanting more of him and his mouth. He pulled you closer to him and you moaned into his mouth, if you weren't bleeding at the moment you probably would not have minded him fucking you right there in that shower.

In fact, you were so horny you felt no embarrassment when your hand trailed down his abdomen and found his half hard cock. He told you sexuality was natural, you had nothing to worry about. You gripped him in your hand and looked up to him, making sure it was an okay move. He said nothing and closed his eyes when you began to slowly jerk him off, leaning his head back like he always did when you got him off.

What you felt in that moment was different than any other sexual encounter you had ever had with him. You were happy, you were not forced, you were enthusiastic. You felt even better when his hand wrapped around yours and he began to guide you, tightening your grip around him and moving your hand faster. His moans filled the air as he became harder in your hand, you began blushing as you saw a bead of precum leak from him only to be quickly washed away by the shower water.

You looked back up at him and he was looking between you two where you held him in your hand. “Keep going.” He said, biting his lip and once again closing his eyes. You had no intention of stopping, so you giggled at him. You could feel his body heating up, and by the way he had reached for your shoulder and his cock twitching you could tell he was close to cumming.

He bent down, his lips found yours in another kiss as he came in your hand. His cum was like a fountain: As you pumped him his seed shot through the air between you two. It landed on your hand, your belly, and his belly as well. At some point he was moaning and breathing against your mouth and it didn't seem like he'd get a hold of himself. He wrapped his arms around you tightly, squishing your cum stained bodies together under the spray and holding you there. You peppered his shoulder with kisses, sucking a hickey into his skin just like he had done to you many times. It was small, about the size and shape of a jagged coin. He looked down at it and then back up at you with a stern look on his face. “You just marked me, Y/n.” You shrugged your shoulders, you had assumed if he could give you hickies you could give them to him as well. You began to panic a bit, wishing you wouldn't have gotten so adventurous in the first place. “I'm sorry, I'm not very good, am I?”

Kylo reached for the sponge again, washing his cum off of him and handing it to you once he was finished. “I can teach you. Now let's get clean, shall we?” He smiled faintly at you and you smiled right back, agreeing you two had been in the shower for too long.

 

“I'm finished!” You shouted to Kylo as he finished eating his food in the dining room. You spent the rest of the afternoon alone finishing the helmet drawing while Kylo went about his business at work. Adding the last of the ashes floating around it you blew the picture off and lifted the book off your lap, smiling at your beautiful drawing.

“Bring it out here, love.” He shouted. You collected your book and made your way to his dining room. Kylo was perched at the table looking over his tablet, when you made your way over to him you saw he was reading more about the droid he was on the hunt for. He looked stressed out, he was looking through the drawings you had given him.

You held out your book and he took it from you with a heavy sigh, it looked painful for him to look away from the tablet. You began to feel uneasy, thinking maybe it was a bad time to show it to him. What you shared hours earlier in the shower had you feeling so much more comfortable with him, but right now while he angrily took your book out of your hands you began feeling fear just like your first few days in his custody.

When he flipped the page and laid his eyes on the helmet, however, you could see the anger fall off of his face. His jaw slacked slightly and his eyes went wide at your drawing. “Y/n. This is incredible.” He lifted his fingers and ran them over the helmet as if trying to feel the battle damage and smooth grille on his actual helmet. He was mesmerized!

“Thank you, Kylo!” You said cheerfully, letting your negative emotions fall away and soaking up the praise from the Commander. “I've got something else I want you to draw.” He said, closing your book and placing it on top of his tablet.

You followed him down the hall but almost ran into his back when he stopped abruptly at the door he specifically told you not to go into. “I'm allowing you to go into this room this one time, love. Do you understand?” You nodded your head, looking past him inquisitively at what was behind that door. You had speculated that whatever it was it could not have been good, it was something he didn't want you seeing or messing with. Maybe that's where he kept his severed heads of the kids from the Jedi Academy that he killed, or the dead bodies of his enemies. If that were the case, you'd probably lose your dinner immediately. It was bad enough you had to sit and stare at the ashes of his enemies on his helmet stand, he had told you that one night when you were drawing pictures in them like they were dirt.

“Do not put your hands on it, do not stand too close to it. I'm warning you right now, Y/n.” So now you knew whatever he was hiding was a singular _thing._ Something you thought was fragile, something that you'd probably lose your life over. Maybe it was Luke Skywalkers lightsaber, an item that was lost some time ago. Maybe it was in his possession now and he kept it sacred behind this door. He took a hold of your wrist and you shyed away in pain, weakly attempting to pull your wrist out of his grip. “If you break it I _will_ kill you.”

“Y-yes sir.” You stammered, opting to respectfully address him as sir. Once again you found yourself afraid of you captor. He couldn't possibly want to kill you after what you had gone through! You stood in terror as the soft, lovely face you had seen earlier that day morphed into the rigid and angry one that had raped and tortured you for a month now. You held your breath as he opened the door, pulling you by your arm in front of him and practically pushing you into the room.

Much like the room you met Snoke in, it was cold. There were no noises other than Kylo's breathing behind you. Your eyes settled on a small stand in the center of the room, a light shining above it revealed next to nothing. All you could see was a brown lump that looked as if it was dropped, a giant hole in the center and a flap over it made you believe so. “What is it?” You asked, Kylo didn't respond, instead opting to push you around the stand. You slowly took in the lump as it began to form into what looked like a helmet. You could make out eye sockets and a mouth piece. You didn't think much of it at first, thinking maybe it was just Kylo's old helmet that he lost in battle and then recovered.

And then you recognized it for what it actually was.

Your mouth flew open and you fell back into Kylo who caught you by your arms and hoisted you back onto your feet. You were looking at the burned, mangled, and almost destroyed remains of Darth Vader's helmet. Immediately you felt the years of death and destruction he caused weighing down on you. Screams of pain and agony echoed through your ear drums as you realized you were now standing a foot away from a symbol of hatred throughout the galaxy. You turned to get away from it, scrambled to exit that room when Kylo caught you. He held you in his strong embrace, picking you up slightly to face you toward the helmet.

“Shhh, y/n! Shhh! Don't be afraid.” You struggled against his grip, remembering how the world rejoiced when they were told the helmet was burned after the death of the one who wore it. You wondered how Kylo even got it, why he would hold onto it. Of course it didn't occur to you that his mother was the daughter of Darth Vader at the time, but it didn't matter.

“Y/n! Stop, please! It won't hurt you.” Of course it wouldn't hurt you, you knew that. But you just wanted to get away from it, you couldn't handle the sick obsession Kylo had with his grandfather. He made a shrine for it, he said it's his most prized possession.

You cried out, begging for Kylo to let you out of the room. He refused, forcing you to look at it. “It's my grand father, y/n, I love him. I cherish this relic, and you will too!” He took a hold of your wrist and placed it on the top of the helmet. “No! You said you don't want me touching it!” You slammed your back into his chest and it caused him to stumble. Taking your opportunity you jumped out of his grasp. You got a step and a half to the door when he grabbed you and lifted you into the air. You frantically kicked your legs only to stop when your foot made contact with something.

Kylo dropped you, with a thud you landed on your tailbone. To your horror, when you looked up the helmet was gone. You frantically looked over at Kylo to see if he was holding it, but he wasn't. Instead he was looking at the ground next to the stand, he had such a hurt look on his face. “No!” He shouted as he took a step forward and bent over. You crawled on your hands and knees toward him only to confirm your suspicions: You had kicked the helmet off of its stand, it now sat in two pieces on the floor.

“How could you!” Kylo shouted at the top of his lungs. He lunged at you, seizing you by the collar of your shirt and held you to his face. “I told you not to touch it!” He had tears in his eyes, you'd never seen anyone look so angry but so sad at the same time. “You made me touch it! This is your fault!” You screamed at him just as loud. He slapped you so hard you saw stars and tasted blood in your mouth. Then you remembered his threat from earlier, how he was going to kill you for touching it. As he dragged you out of the door and toward the bed room you hoped he'd make it quick and painless. You didn't want to suffer for something that was his fault.

He openly sobbed as he hauled you up onto your feet and violently shoved you into the wall in his bedroom. Your body ached all over as you slid down and lay on your side. However, before you could curl into a ball and defend yourself something sharp and heavy collided with your head, tearing a linear wound into your temple. As you lifted your head to see what it was your lungs began to burn and you couldn't breath. You looked around and saw the stand he kept his helmet rolling away from you on the floor and ashes snowing down on you. You coughed and coughed, trying to expel the remains of his enemies from your body only to be smacked across the face with something much heavier than his hand. You heard the bones in your face crunch as you flew to your left.

You opted to just sit on the floor and slowly accept your death, eyes closed and whimpering as your face throbbed in pain. You heard Kylo walk over to you, sniffling and small sobs bringing your attention to him. He dropped his helmet next to you and you stared at it, realizing he had just stuck you with it. He squatted down and grabbed you by the collar of your shirt, forcing you to be face to face with him again. “I don't like hurting you love, I really don't. But you earned it this time.” He spat at you. You wimpered, wanting so badly to yell at him, to tell him about how it was his fault you kicked the helmet. “You choose to defy me over and over again. I don't know what to do!”

He broke down and began sobbing again. You had never defied him, the man was out of his mind. He threw you against the wall once more, only to begin to rise up slowly. “You ruined my keepsake, the only thing I have left of my grandfather! Now I have to kill you, love!” Suddenly there were two invisible hands at your throat, cutting off your airway. They were tight, as tight as they could possibly get on your throat. You clawed at the hands around your neck, as you locked eyes with Kylo. He genuinely looked like he was going through some turmoil. “I don't want to. I can't!” He spoke, that's when you realized he wasn't talking to you. Your vision began to turn black as he dropped his arm, you fell down the length of the wall and landed on your stomach in front of him.

He picked you up and began to cuddle you close, moving your hair out of your face and painfully pressing your cheek to his chest. You struggled to fill your lungs back with oxygen when, in between his own sobs you heard Kylo rasp:

“I love her.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why two updates in one day?  
> Because I felt like it that's why! I'm almost done writing it and I've also got a small person's feet in my ribs telling me it's almost time for him to come into the world and I neeeeeeeed to get this fic out there lol.


	11. A Prisoner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finds himself in quite the predicament. Luckily he's got the Reader to help him out with this special issue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember when I posted the first chapter of this I was thinking "I don't want it to be too long, maybe just 10 chapters."  
> Well, here I am 18 chapters and 76 thousand words later. Not even close to being done yet, I think I am writing an entire book by accident here!

Kylo began screaming her name to no one in particular. He was sure the girl was dying in his arms, all because he lost his mind over what happened in his relic room. When he looked down at her having a difficult time catching her breath, all he could see was the bruise now forming on the entire right half of her face and the blood trickling over it. While he was choking her he heard the voices telling him to kill her. The original threat was just that-a threat. He had no intention to actually murder the girl in cold blood. Then again, he had no idea she would panic upon seeing the helmet.

It hurt him when she blamed him, hurt him because it was indeed his fault she had kicked the relic and it broke, but that's not what they told him. He could hear Snokes voice in his head telling him she deserved to die for disrespecting his grandfather, and he heard his grandfather in his head telling him the same thing.

“No! I won't do it. I can't do it!” He clutched her close, holding onto her as if he were holding onto the Light in him personified. “The helmet is not more important than she is to me!” This was the first time he was giving into the light, he couldn't let the dark side in him take away what he loved.

Suddenly there was a ring in the background, coming from outside of the bedroom. Kylo lifted his head, the sound indicated he was getting a holo call from the General. He was going to ignore it at first, not caring about what Hux wanted. The girl in his arms was the most important thing to him at the moment, he needed to get her help.

So he set the girl on his bed and went to retrieve his tablet, he was right that there was a missed call from the general, but he exited and began messaging for a medic to visit his quarters. In the middle of typing a message from the general popped up.

“ _Ren. We've captured someone who can lead us to the droid.”_

Kylo stilled, staring at the message in disbelief. He finished typing the message to the medic and then took to typing to Hux.

“ _I'm taking care of something. Have them interrogated and relay any information you get to me.”_

He set his tablet down and then sat at the table, staring at it halfway excitedly for Hux's reply. His mind, however, went back to the girl, worried about how she'd perceive him from now on. He figured it was too late to erase her memories again, it would also be too risky. He was disappointed in himself that she and him had such a good morning, he thought they were making such good progress as a normal couple. Then he went and ruined it. All for what? A burned and mangled helmet which wasn't even technically broken, the two pieces of the helmet just happened to fall apart. If he was careful he could probably even put them back together. With a heavy sight, he affirmed what he said to the voices earlier: _The helmet is not more important than she is to me._

Another buzz from his tablet, another message from the general:

“ _He cannot be interrogated.”_

Ren furrowed his eyebrows at the text, he had never encountered a situation where a hostage couldn't be interrogated.

“ _Why not?”_

He sent is reply, but as he waited eagerly for the General to reply to him he heard a low crash come from his bed room. Fearing the worst, Kylo stood and quickly made his way back only to find the girl had rolled out of bed and looked as if she was crawling toward the bathroom. Her face was covered in blood and she looked terrified when he entered the room. He realized she was probably attempting to stop the bleeding, which is something Kylo was too emotional to even think of at the moment.

So he lifted her back into the bed and told her to stay put. He disappeared into the bathroom and came back with a wet washcloth which he pressed to her cut. She jerked her head away from him and began crying once more. “Shhhh.” He reassured her, stroking her hair with a broken heart. “Keep this on the wound, a medic will be here shortly.” He didn't let go until she lifted a shaky hand and held the cloth in place on her own. He could see the betrayal in her eyes, they were cutting through him like a knife. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, brushing her hair out of her face at the same time. “A medic will be here soon.” He assured her once more and with a hurt look on his face turned and left the room.

Kylo saw he had a notification from the general, he had tried calling him again. Just as soon as Kylo was about to call him back, yet another message came in from the general.

“ _Meet me outside interrogation room 10-C.”_

 

–

The medic set the bones in your face back where they belonged and closed the hole from where the stand cut you. Kylo stood in the corner the entire time overseeing the procedure, his arms were crossed over his chest and his eyes were on you the entire time. You tried your best to look at the doctor, not at him.

“Alright, Miss y/n.” The doctor said as she brought the machine away that was healing your scars. “The swelling should go down within the next few hours. Take it easy until then.” You nodded, too afraid of opening your mouth and crying again. She stood and and walked over to Kylo, nodding her head at him and offering him a small “commander” before making her way out of the bedroom and out of his quarters.

You turned on your side away from him, looking at your fingers and hands, pretending that he did not exist. It was late, you knew that. It would probably do you good to rest up after the days events had left you emotionally and physically drained.

Kylo entered the bed behind you, nuzzling his face in your neck. He ran his hands up and down your arms-you were disgusted. You didn't know how someone could go from being so lovely, to being cruel and almost killing you, to being lovely once more. To be honest with yourself, you were hurt, betrayed. You had put your trust in him for a hot second only to have him brutalize you and almost choke you to death for something that was his idea and his fault.

And then to top it all off he said he loved you in the middle of it all!

You had no idea who he was talking to while he held you in a force choke hold, but whoever it was was obviously telling him to kill you. Then make it even worse: he was ready to follow their direction.

You sat disturbed, disturbed by the man sitting in bed behind you. His light, feathery touches stirred bad feelings inside of you, feelings that conflicted you to no end. You wanted a comforting human touch, and the only person who could offer you that at the time was your captor. You wanted so badly to roll over and cuddle into his chest, for him to hold you as close to him as he did in the shower. You wanted him to _love_ you.

He snaked an arm around you and pulled your back against him, moved your hair out of the way of your neck and began to kiss you there. “I do love you.” The arm around your waist went up your chest and cupped your chin, bringing your head up and giving him access to the side of your neck. You began to shake, it was all so wrong. You were sure you didn't want him, you didn't want him anywhere near you, but the goosebumps rising on your skin and the heat between your legs betrayed you just as he had.

“No you don't.” You mumbled, wiggling your head out of his hands and burying your face into his pillow. “I do, y/n.”

“You hurt me!” You shouted at him through the pillow. “I know, love.” He said as he let go of your chin in favor of running his fingers down your side again. “I'm sorry. It was out of my control.” Tears threatened your eyes once more, you thought that was the most bullshit statement you had ever heard in your life. “No Kylo, _you_ were out of control. I begged you to let me out of the room and you just kept dragging me back.” You realized when he failed to hit you or silence you that you had the upper hand in this conversation, and you practically had Kylo wrapped around your finger.

“You're shit. You don't love me, you just love my body.”

“Y/n! Stop talking like that. I love you, you know I love you, and you love me.”

“ _Fuck off!_ ” You shrieked as loud as you could. “I don't love you! How could I possibly love an abusive, sad, sick man like you? How could _anyone_ love a man like you?” You said, it felt good to get your feelings off of your chest and into the air where Kylo could hear you. These were your thoughts, your raw, unforgiving, actual thoughts. Kylo wasn't moving behind you, so you decided to lift yourself from the bed and lock yourself in the bathroom. “I hate you! You're a mon-”

You went flying off the bed, hitting the bedroom wall and knocking the bedside table over. It felt as if Kylo kicked you out of the bed with his boot, but you knew it to be of the force. Without a word he lifted himself from the bed, collected his helmet and left the room. You could hear the blaster doors open and close, indicating he had stormed out of his quarters.

 

–

Kylo fought back the tears as he made his way to interrogation hall ten. What she said hurt him more than anything she or anyone ever said to him. He felt like someone had taken his own lightsaber and cut a gaping hole in his chest. She hurt him more than his own parents had hurt him. She hurt him more than his uncle or any of the other kids at the Jedi academy hurt him. She hurt him.

Who ever this prisoner that Hux captured would get the worst of it from him. He didn't care who he was or what was wrong with him, Kylo was going to get any and all information from him in the most painful way possible even if he did cooperate. Kylo sneered under his mask, his pain turning from sad pain to angry pain, every step he took his anger was rising higher and higher. The stormtroopers working night shift were smart enough to move out of his way, because if they didn't they would have been killed on the spot; slashed in half by his red hot lightsaber.

He met Hux outside of the C room. “What the hell took you so long?” Hux practically whispered in a strained voice. “I messaged you and hour ago! Were have you been?”

“I told you I was taking care of something.” Kylo reached to open the interrogation room doors when Hux stopped him. “Look, Ren. The person in there cannot be interrogated. You have to go easy on them. They more than likely know where the droid is, but you cannot harm them.” Hux's words went in one ear and out of the other. “I will get the information we need, General.” Hux reached over and grabbed Rens' shoulder, attempting to pull him back but failed when the doors opened and he stepped inside. “ _God damn it Ren!”_ Hux whispered to himself in a a hushed tone as he followed in after Kylo.

Kylo stepped in, head held high and mighty as he unsheathed his lightsaber and ignited it. The blade covered the entire room in a harsh red glow. “Tell me what you know, Resistance Scu-” Kylo stopped dead in his tracks when he saw just who was sitting on the floor in front of him. Behind him, Hux was storming in, face as red as his own hair with a look that could have killed Kylo if looks could kill. “What is the meaning of this, General?” The prisoner on the floor shook and whimpered silently, watching the confrontation happen before his very eyes.

“I told you to take it easy you twit!” Kylo was staring at Hux in absolute disbelief and mortification at what he had presented him with. First he had to carry the guilt of what he did to the girl an hour earlier-now this? Nothing could have prepared him for this person of all people to end up in his interrogation room.

“General. What am I supposed to do with a-” Hux didn't let Kylo finish his sentence, too disgusted at the way he was acting with the prisoner sitting no more than 2 feet away from him. “Follow me, Ren. We will talk in my office.”

 

–

Over the next few days your period stopped and Kylo's sexual abuse started again. Only you noticed something quite odd about him after he came home the night he choked you against the wall. He seemed stressed at almost every hour of the day. You didn't have slow and passionate sex where he demanded you tell him you loved him, you had stressful and angry sex where his goal was to find his blissful release as soon as possible. Choppy, short thrusts into your cunt that made you eternally uncomfortable. Violent blow jobs where he pulled you by your hair up and down as fast as he could, then not hesitating to slap you across the face whenever your jaw would ache so you'd relax it and accidentally graze him with your teeth.

When you weren't being sexually assaulted by the Commander you avoided him as much as possible. You found that he didn't bother you when you were drawing, so you found random things around his quarters to draw. You drew little things, lamps, doors, clothing, things that wouldn't take you but a few hours to complete but you could always feel his gaze on you. It was sickening, the way he looked at you with nothing but compassion and love right after getting you ice to place on your aching bruises, or after massaging out kinks in your neck from a long night of face fucking you.

You knew he loved you no matter how morbid it seemed, it was evident in the way he would carry you to bed when you fell asleep on the couch, or in the way he would kiss your cheek before he left his quarters in the morning. You didn't want to get used to it, begged your body not to mold to his when he held you so close to him at night, but it never worked. You always found yourself craving his love and affection at the end of a lonely day.

 

One morning you awoke all by yourself like you did most days, got out of the bed and made your way over to the bathroom, stepping over your torn clothing from the night before in the process. You stared at yourself in the mirror, contemplating what your next move would be. It seemed like you were staring at a stranger. Your hair had grown longer, bags existed under your eyes, and your face had fattened up just the way Kylo wanted it to. This was not who you were when you lived on the compound.

So you decided to draw the person you saw staring back at you. Pulling up a chair from the dining room and placing it in front of the bathroom mirror you got to work, trying not to disregard and bring yourself down at the fact you had never drawn a portrait before, let alone a self portrait. After 20 minutes you found yourself happy with the outline of your head, and you drummed up the courage to truck on, determined to finish this drawing of the woman in the mirror

 

–

Kylo went to visit the prisoner every day, trying to coax the information he wanted out of him. The prisoner could not be moved to a regular prison cell, likewise could not be kept in restraints. So he was kept in an interrogation room for one week, a storm trooper visiting every hour to take care of his needs.

Kylo was ever so grateful for the girl during this time, not only as a sexual outlet for him but she taught him how to be gentle, specifically in the way he spoke. He had to learn how to talk without upsetting her after she moved in with him, which has come in handy with the prisoner. He talked with him for a week, one week of continually asking him “where is the droid, what do you know about it, where is your base?” all of his questions were met with sobs and “I don't knows.” Kylo would sigh in frustration, trying desperately not to lose his cool with the prisoner or the General for thinking taking this particular person was a good idea. He threatened him softly, telling the prisoner if he didn't talk he'd rip his fingers off one by one, he'd rip his ears off, burn him with hot water, and so on. That only made the prisoner cry harder and Kylo would end up leaving angry and stressed out, going home to then take his anger out sexually on the girl instead of physically on the prisoner.

One week with the Prisoner and Kylo had gotten nowhere, and there was nothing he could do to torture the information out of him. He didn't know what to do! It's not like they could just release him into the wild, and it was well below Kylo to kill him, he had to draw the line somewhere on killing innocent people. He decided to speak with the General about the matter, together they would figure out what to do with the uncooperative prisoner.

Kylo met Hux in his office right before it was time to go home. “General, may I have a word with you about the newest prisoner?” Hux looked up at Ren and rolled his eyes at the mention of the prisoner. “Well, Ren. I have nothing to tell you other than if you would have listened to me from the start of this mess there would have been no problems.” He stacked some papers on his desk and shut off his light “It's been a week and I've gotten nowhere with him, and I don't know what to do with him either. It's clear he doesn't know anything about the droid. I am just curious as to why you thought taking him of all people would have helped us!”

“We located a fleet of resistance and one of my men snatched him up while no one else was watching. By then he had already been forced into the ship and I told my crew to just go, I thought he may have some clue as to where the droid was.”

“Well that's not the case, General. He won't talk to me and I have no idea where to go from here.” Hux thought to himself for a second, he was finally seeing Ren's point. “Should we just enroll him in the storm trooper program? Groom him to be a lieutenant?” As Kylo spoke on Hux got a very bright idea, causing a smile to creep across his lips. Kylo hated it when the general smiled, 90 percent of the time Hux was smiling he was doing so because something unfortunate happened to Kylo. “What is it General?” Kylo asked in an irritated tone.

“Have the prisoner moved to somewhere more comfortable. I'm going to contact the resistance and demand they give us the droid in exchange for him back.” Kylo contemplated the thought, then a vengeful smile appeared on his face. He almost called Hux brilliant out loud! The Resistance was filled with bleeding hearts, he was sure everyone was frantically working to get the prisoner back that just offering him back in exchange for the droid or just the map would work phenomenally.

But then his brows furrowed as he wondered where to take the prisoner. He couldn't leave him in a cell in between two actual criminals, he couldn't give him his own room alone, and he couldn't just bunk him with another storm trooper. “Where should we keep him then?”

“I don't know Ren. That's your job to figure out.” Hux said as he began walking toward his door. “Maybe your _fuck toy_ would be willing to take care of him.”

 

After consulting with several First Order staff stationed around various parts of the base, Kylo found no one he was willing to trust the prisoner with for the next few days. He found himself nervously walking to his quarters, the prisoner trailing slowly behind him. Every once and a while Kylo would sneer a “keep up” over his shoulder, to which the prisoner would pick his his pace momentarily but then fall short once more. His little legs were no match to Kylo's huge ones.

 

–

Minutes bled into hours that you sat in front of the mirror drawing yourself. You had lost yourself in this drawing, you had never put as much effort into a drawing as you did with your self portrait. In fact, you were so immersed with your drawing that you failed to hear the front door opening and Kylo calling your name until he shouted it so loud you frantically dropped your sketch book on the bathroom floor and sprinted out to the living room. You did not want to feel Kylo's wrath while you were on such a drawing high.

You were confused as you saw Kylo literally standing in the door way staring at you as you made your way to him. You stopped and stared at his helmet, waiting for him to give you instruction or tell you what he came here for in the middle of his work day. “Yes Kylo?”

“You are good with children?” That was such a random thing to come home and ask about, so you bit your lip and nodded your head. At least that's what you thought he wanted to hear. Suddenly he reached behind him and yanked a small child out in between you. “Take care of him. I will be back tonight with more information.” He pushed the child further into the quarters and then left, leaving you and the small boy staring at each other in silence and disbelief.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who's the prisoner? 
> 
> BTW, I accidentally spoiled who Kylo was talking to when he was torturing the reader in the comments of the last chapter...I feel terrible.


	12. The Big Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bravery comes in many shapes and sizes.

The boy stood and stared up at you, he was no older than 5 years old wearing a white t shirt with tan khakis. His clothes were dirty, what looked to be some bland light brown food stained the entire front of his shirt and most of his pants. Those same food stains he had crusted around his mouth, around his eyes he had dried tears and around his nose was dry snot. He smelled terribly, like he hadn't bathed at all in weeks. His dirty blonde hair was ratty and greasy, whatever this poor kid had to endure broke your heart into pieces.

“Hello.” You said to him and offered him a small smile. His mouth twisted into a sad frown and he immediately started crying. He threw himself onto the ground and stretched his limbs like a starfish, burying his face into the ground and rutting his head into the carpet. You were shaking in fear, wondering where the hell Kylo got a child and why he thought you'd be the right person to take care of him. “H-Hey, buddy, it's alright. There's no need to worry here.” You squatted down and rubbed his back, trying to quiet him down. It was obvious he was terrified of his surroundings.

Your other wise quiet quarters were filled with screams, the child was kicking and clawing at anything within his reach and you didn't know what to do. So all you did was rub his back, run your fingers through his hair, and hoped he'd calm down eventually.

An hour and fifteen minutes of screaming and kicking passed, then you found him looking up at you from the floor. His striking blue eyes were on you and he was sucking on his pointer and middle fingers, you recognized that as a way for children to soothe themselves. “Feeling better buddy?” You asked him in a soft tone, to which he nodded his head and rubbed his face in the carpet again. “Do you want to take a bath? Get some clean clothes?” Another nod, and you helped him up and walked him toward Kylo's bathroom.

You gagged as you removed the boy's clothes. It seemed he was allowed to sit in his own waste for days. You chucked every article of clothing he had on into the trash, there was no use saving them as they were ruined with filth and various bodily fluids. When you first placed him in the bath he was quiet and rigid, didn't want to move. But after a while he took part in his cleaning, looking up and smiling at you as you rubbed some of Kylo's shampoo in his hair, ridding it of its stench and dirt. As you combed his hair he busied himself with playing with the bar of soap, watching it slip in and out of his fingers and laughing hysterically when it would fly into the air and splash in the water. “Hold still, buddy.” You warned as you began combing his knots out, trying not to laugh at him laughing so hard as well. “Um, miss?” He squeaked at you. You stopped combing his hair and looked at him, realizing you had never introduced yourself to him, and you didn't know his name either.

“Yes bud?” You leaned over and met his gaze. “Do you have any bath toys?” He said to you and you chuckled. “Afraid not, I've never had any kids here before.” His eyes went wide, like you just told him his favorite planet had blow up. “You have no toys?” You shook your head and went back to combing. “Like, none? No toys at all?”

“No, dude. I have no toys.” You said with a smile as you reached down and pulled the plug. “But now lets get you out and get you into some clean clothes.” You lifted him out of the tub and wrapped him snuggly in a towel and led him into your closet to see if you could find anything to cover this poor soul up.

 

“E-L-I.” The boy said as he drew pictures on the ripped out pages of your sketch book. You managed to find a shirt that was too small to fit you for him. You clipped it back with some hair clips you found in Kylo's bathroom. “Eli. Is that short for Elijah?” You asked gently. “No. My name is just E-L-I.” He had taken to writing nothing but his name on the paper you gave him. “Well, I'm Miss Y/n.” He looked up and smiled at you. “Okay, um. How do you spell Y/n?” You spelled your name out for him and he began writing that too, but mostly favoring his name.

“Miss Y/n?” He asked, finally looking up at you from his drawing. “Is the big man coming back?”

“The big man?”

“The big man with black hair and big nose and wears a scary mask.”You giggled at him. Yes, you knew he was talking about Kylo. You had never stopped to appreciate Kylo's “big nose” before, and you were happy that whatever time Eli had spent with Kylo he had taken notice of his nose. “The big man lives here, Eli-” He tensed up, started to whimper. You desperately didn't want him to cry again, you got the feeling he had done plenty of crying in the last few days and needed a break. “No no, Eli. Listen to me.” A high pitched whine came from his lips and tears streamed down his cheeks slowly. “I don't want the big man to come here! He's mean!”

_Tell me about it._ You thought to yourself. “Eli, listen. The big man lives here, but I promise I won't let him hurt you, okay?” That didn't seem to console him, instead he tipped his head back and screamed even louder. “He-he said he was gonna take my fingers and my toes!” He wailed at the top of his lungs. In panic you lifted him into your lap and cradled him. “Sshhhh. It's gonna be okay, I won't let him hurt you.” You made the promise to Eli, you knew Kylo was abusive and had more than likely abused and neglected Eli. You would rather Kylo abuse you than him, and you'd do anything in your power to keep him away from Eli.

Eventually Eli calmed down, sucking in his two fingers once more and staring up at you. “I won't let the big man do anything to you, kid. I promise you that.” You whispered into his hair as you rested your cheek on his head. You had such a hard time being brave for yourself when you were under Kylo's control, but now you had someone else to be brave for.

The day went on and you watched Eli draw in your book while he sat in your lap. You noted how comfortable he was with you, how quick he was to relax while you were washing him and how happy he was to sit with you and draw pictures when he didn't even know your name. Your heart broke as you figured it was likely because he had a similar experience to you when you were taken by the First Order. He was probably ripped from his family, treated like an animal based on the way his clothing looked when you first got him, and had to endure threats from your own captor. You wanted to cry, couldn't imagine who could possibly do such things to such an innocent child. You thought that maybe Kylo would have a soft spot for children, that he wouldn't verbally abuse them like he did to you, but obviously he didn't. In that moment you were grateful for your birth control implant again, you would die if you had to carry his child and give birth only to have him treat it as poorly as he treated you.

Both of your heads turned as the doors slid open and in stalked Kylo Ren. Tall, powerful, and face concealed by his mask, he walked over to the table you were sitting at. Eli turned in your lap and swung his arms around your neck, hiding his face from Kylo and shaking. You clutched him close to you as you stared back at Kylo, trying your best not to seem afraid in front of your new friend Eli. “Where did you get this paper from?” Kylo picked up a piece of art work Eli had drawn and held it up to you. “I-It's from my sketch book. He needed something to do, Kylo.” He threw the papers onto the floor, which caused both you and Eli to flinch. “That sketch book was a gift from me to you, not to the Resistance scum that is cowering in your lap.”

“Kylo.” You grumbled in a low voice. “You're scaring him.” You couldn't believe he just called a child “Resistance scum.” You understood that the Resistance was Kylo's enemy, but did he really have that same hatred for their children? “Can you take the mask off? He may be more comf-” Kylo lifted the mask off and set it down loudly on the table, Eli curled in your embrace to look at it but then quickly buried his face in your neck once more. “What do you want for dinner?” Kylo asked, his gaze causing you to hang onto Eli tighter. You almost felt as if Kylo was getting ready to just snatch the child from your arms and run. “Can he have dinner too? He's hungry.” You saw Kylo's eyes dart to the back of the boys head and then back at you.

“What does he want to eat?” You tried to pry the boy from your neck but he wouldn't move, he only mumbled in response to your question on what he wanted for food and wouldn't speak any louder. “Do you like Macaroni?” He rubbed his eyes free of his tears and sniffed, nodded his head and gave you a small “mmhmm.”

“He wants mac and cheese.” Kylo raised his eyebrows, you got the idea he was probably thinking of an insult for the poor boy like the one he gave you about the oatmeal. “What about you love?” You shrugged and said you'd take mac and cheese too. “Are you sure?” You wanted so badly to give him a dirty look because you _knew_ that's what he was thinking, but you didn't want to get slapped holding a child in your lap. “Yes, I'm sure. Mac and cheese is one of my favorite foods.” You smiled at him, Eli was giving you the bravery you needed to play these stupid games with Kylo.

“Very well. I'm going to order the food and have a shower, then we can talk about the prisoner.” You gave Kylo a nod and watched him walk off toward the bedroom, helmet in tow.

Kylo was freshly showered and returned just in time for the food to show up. Two delicious looking bowls of mac and cheese, one a bit smaller than the other, and a plate of cooked salmon and rice. You tried to get Eli to eat at the table, but he refused to turn out of your neck and look in Kylo's direction. Kylo shot you a menacing look, obviously irritated with the child's whining and refusal to eat. “Eli, it's alright baby. Just eat, he's not going to hurt you.” But Eli was not impressed, he clung to you for dear life.

Kylo slammed his fists on the dining room table, startling both you and Eli. “Put him in front of the TV with his food. He can eat on the floor.” Kylo boomed over Eli's whines and whimpers. You didn't say anything to Kylo, simply stood and obeyed his orders. You set him on the couch and just when you were about to hand him the food Kylo interrupted you: “Y/n I said on the floor.” You didn't have to look at him to tell he was gritting his teeth.

You set Eli on the floor and placed his bowl in front of him, the poor kid looked so terrified. “Look, I'll turn on the TV for you and you can watch cartoons while you eat, okay?” You found some cartoons for him, the same propaganda as last time, but it would have to do. When you stood to walk back to the table Eli grabbed onto your ankle. “Noo, stay!” He whimpered quietly, you could see the tears beginning to appear in his eyes. “No no, Eli. Look, I'm going to be right over there where we came from.” You pointed at the table and helplessly looked at Kylo who was looking extremely irate. “Noo!” He hung onto your leg for dear life, you patted his head and tried to pry him off of you but had no luck. The boy had taken to you so quickly and you became his one and only support system, you knew he was probably extremely stressed out and nervous with Kylo there and you genuinely felt bad for him. So you decided the best thing to do was to sink to the ground next to him and eat with him.

“Kylo, he's afraid right now I'm going to eat-”

“Y/n you will dinner with me at this table, _now!”_ Kylo raised his voice once more and it made Eli immediately release the hold he had on your leg. You brushed his hair as you walked past him, reminding him to eat his macaroni and that you'd come back over as soon as you possibly could. Kylo explained to you that the child was a prisoner of the First Order, a child of the Resistance that was captured and held hostage in exchange for the BB droid. Your mind was pretty numb after he said the word prisoner, a child couldn't be a prisoner! The poor kid probably didn't even know what was happening to him or what was going to happen to him. “I tried to get him to tell me where the droid was, he didn't know. I didn't want to just kill him or drop him into space, so we decided to make him a hostage. Whenever his people decide to give us what we want they can have him back.”

You stared at Kylo with wide, unbelieving eyes. You assumed that's when Kylo tortured an innocent child, threatened his life and limb for the whereabouts of something he didn't know any thing about. “Kylo...” you whispered under your breath. He gawked at you, chewing his food as if telling you about what he was planning to do with a child he took as a prisoner was the most normal thing in the world. “He's a child, Kylo. How could you do that to a child?”

“He is Resistance scum, love. He means nothing to me or anyone in the organization, and as a member of the First Order he means nothing to _you_ either.” You bit the inside of your cheek and nodded, thinking if you just agreed with him this entire conversation will end. Even though you did want to know why the child was being held here and not somewhere else, to you it seemed like Kylo didn't like children.

Suddenly there was a light tap on your shoulder, you turned to see Eli standing gingerly behind you. He was mumbling and pointing at his mouth. “What's wrong bud? Did you hurt yourself?” He whined again, and continued to point at his mouth. “What does he need, Y/n?” You ignored Kylo's irritated tone and pulled Eli closer to the table. “What's the matter Eli, can you tell me?” The child took in a breath, then before you knew it you, Kylo and the table were all covered in undigested macaroni and cheese. You stared at Eli in shock as you watched him turn white and look up at you terrified.

You were shaking in disgust, frozen in place and didn't know what to do from here. When it finally clicked to turn around and get a napkin to clean him up it was too late. The entire table was thrown through the air, sending the plates and silverware with it. Kylo looked livid, you had never seen the mans face so red before. He was reaching for Eli and you began to panic.

“No! Kylo! I'm sorry, leave him alone!” You jumped in front of Kylo and pushed him away from the child. “Don't hurt him, please! He couldn't help it, he's stressed out!” You grabbed onto his arms and pushed with all of your might, behind you Eli was running toward the door away from both of you. Kylo had his attention trained on him, the look on his face meant he wanted vengeance on the boy. You began sobbing, Eli didn't deserve whatever Kylo was about to do to him and you knew you owed it to him to protect him from Kylo. So you began pulling Kylo toward the bedroom, trying your hardest to remove him from the situation. “Kylo please don't hurt him! Hit me instead! Please!”

Finally, Kylo turned and looked at you, taking in a deep breath he grabbed you by your wrist and instead dragged you to the bedroom. He slammed the door behind and threw you in the middle of the bedroom. You stared at him, at the chunks of noodles and yellow vomited cheese stains on his black robes. He was taking in deep breaths and staring at the ground. “Please just hit me Kylo, don't hurt Eli. He's just a child.” His eyes flashed up to yours, he took a step to the right and pushed everything off of his side of the bedside table. You didn't know what to do, you didn't know why Kylo wasn't hitting you, you didn't know what Eli was thinking and doing in the living room without you. You felt like you were about to have a meltdown as you watched the entire situation unfold before you. His shoulders heaved as he stared down at the mess, the room now substantially darker since the lamp was now sitting in pieces on the floor.

“I don't want to hurt you, y/n.” You trembled and stood, contemplating what you would do or say to your captor next. “D-Do you want to hurt Eli?” You took one step toward him, he turned his head toward you and you stopped. “No.” His shoulders finally stopped moving up and down and just slumped, you watched as he visibly relaxed. “You're angry, Kylo. It's okay to be angry.” Another step, Kylo didn't react. “It was really gross, I know. He's stressed, he doesn't know what's going on. His world has changed so dramatically and he doesn't know how to process it.” Two more steps and now you were standing right behind him.

He turned and looked at you, you could see the emotion and regret on his face. “We are all stressed out right now.”He said, ducking his head lower in defeat. You gave him a small, apologetic nod and rested your hands on his shoulders, began shimming his outer clothing off of him. “Here, let me clean this all up.” Kylo stood still over you and watched as you stripped him, only catching your eye sight when he lifted his arms to allow you to take his shirt off. Your chin began trembling as you realized what was going on here. Kylo was a wreck-key word was. He was about to take his anger out on something, anything, and you were powerful enough to stop it. Now you were taking care of him, further calming him and hoping his outburst wouldn't come back when he saw the mess he created in the dining room.

“Please don't cry, y/n.” His arms held you tight against him and you couldn't help but to relax against his muscly chest, listening to his beating heart. “I don't want to hurt you, I don't want you to cry.” You nuzzled into his chest and silently let your tears fall and stick to him, you couldn't control your emotions about how Kylo was finally thinking of you instead of himself, he was talking himself through his problems instead of just taking his anger out on everything in the room. You thought that was amazing.

You thought he was amazing.

“Please don't hurt him Kylo. He's only 5 years old, he doesn't know anything about the war, or the First Order, and he can't control himself sometimes.” Kylo's grip on you loosened up a tad and you wrapped your arms around him as well, letting his clothing fall to the floor behind him.

“Will he let me talk to him?” You leaned up and looked at him, even his eyes were glassy with the threat of tears. “I don't know, Kylo. He's afraid of you. But you can try.”

“I want to tell him I'm sorry.” The fact that his voice hitched tugged at your heart strings. “That would be best.” He leaned down and placed a long, wet kiss on your hairline. “Thank you.” You knew by how small his voice was his apology was genuine. You replied by placing an equally as long kiss right on top of his heart.

 

–

Kylo stared at the back of the child's head as the girl cradled him in her arms. He was nervous, extremely nervous. The very few times he had been around children he had hated it. Small children were helpless, defenseless, but they still made him nervous. Kylo had only just learned to be gentle and to not intimidate people all the time thanks to the girl, he was much scarier to children and that was something he just couldn't help.

“What is his name?” He asked her, buying time for himself not having to engage the child in front of him. She reminded him of his name, then began to speak to the child. “Hey buddy, the big man has something he wants to say to you.” A part of him giggled on the inside, was that really what the boy was calling him?

The boy still refused to look at him, instead pulling his arms as close to the girl and himself as possible and staring into her neck. She had begun swaying her body in an effort to calm the boy down, which in turn was some how calming Kylo down as well. She lifted her head up and rested her chin on the child's head, staring at Kylo and waiting for him to start his apology.

“Hey, Eli?” Kylo started nervously. The boy didn't move to look at him at all. “I'm sorry, Eli. I didn't mean to scare you.” Still nothing, Kylo had an almost uncontrollable urge to reach out and touch the poor boy, but he thought better of it. He tried as hard as he could to put himself into Eli's position, Kylo was indeed a big man, and he did admit to threatening the poor boy against his better judgment. To him, Eli was right to be afraid. He wondered if there was anything he could do to make him more comfortable, anything to try to win what little trust the boy could harbor.

“Do you like cake?” That immediately caught the boy's attention. He picked his head up and turned to face Kylo, trying to adjust himself in the girls arms. He nodded his head, making a slight grin appear on Kylo's face. “What kind of cake do you want?” He mumbled something, then stuck his two fingers in his mouth. “Say it again, Eli. I don't think he could hear you.”

“Chocolate.”

“You want chocolate cake?” Kylo couldn't hide the smile, he couldn't lie to himself and say Eli didn't melt his heart with how adorable he was. “I'll get you some chocolate cake then. Y/n what kind do you want?”

“I'll take chocolate too.” The girls smile added to his happiness as well, it wasn't very often she smiled at him. Especially with all the stress he's been under and the stress he had been putting her through. He removed those thoughts from his mind, choosing to order the deserts instead. Kylo couldn't remember the last time he had something sweet and tasty like cake. Unless you were to count all the times Kylo had pleasured the girl orally, the thought made Kylo laugh quietly to himself.

Fifteen minutes went by and three slices of cake were delivered to them. Kylo watched as Eli shoveled the cake into his mouth, deciding later that the fork was doing him no good and used his hands.

“Slow down, Eli. You'll choke.” Kylo warned to him, he muttered a “sorry” to Kylo and went back to eating. Kylo's heart swelled when y/n bounced him in her lap, using a napkin to wipe the chocolate frosting off of his face. “All done buddy boy? Did you get enough cake?” He knew her smile was genuine, she was so relaxed and was enjoying the both of their company. Kylo wondered for a second to himself: is this what it felt like to have a family of his own? To look over the table and see his wife and child eating cake in such a fun, messy way? It had never crossed his mind that he had ever wanted children until now, after seeing and being with a child that was not so afraid of him.

The girl seemed to be a great mother figure too, the way the child had attached himself to her so quickly was something Kylo could appreciate. Eli would be comfortable here, waiting to see what his family would do to get him back. Maybe Kylo could even grow to enjoy the boy's company, just like he was now. Kylo was content in just watching him laugh and play with his food-something that he did not get to do often when he was his age.

Everything was going well for Kylo until that night. He sat in his bed extremely impatient with a growing headache. Ever since 8 pm when y/n had told Eli it was time to lay down on his makeshift bed on the couch and sleep he hadn't stopped crying. No, he hadn't stopped screaming.

Kylo wanted to make love to her that night, in a way they would both find comfort in their bodies. He wanted an effective way to apologize to her, and since their relationship was based almost solely on sex he figured it would have to do. So he sat listening to the boys screams with his rock hard cock straining against his sleeping pants for half an hour and grew frustrated when he went flaccid and still had to listen to the screams for another two hours. He never heard y/n speak, could only hear the shrieks and the occasional “no!” come from Eli. Kylo wanted so badly to go out there and demand the child stop crying and allow the girl to come to bed with him, but he remembered what she had said to him:

_He's stressed, he doesn't know what's going on. His world has changed so dramatically and he doesn't know how to process it._

Kylo took a deep breath, imagined holding y/n in his arms since that always calmed him down. Eli would adjust, he just needed some time living with y/n and Kylo. Then he will feel more comfortable sleeping on the couch. That was all! Kylo settled into bed, no doubt sexually frustrated at the moment, but was still content. Y/n would be back to bed any minute now, all she had to do was calm Eli down and she'd find her way on top of him, snuggling as close to Kylo as she could, and they'd both find their blissful sleep together as one.

 

–

Meanwhile, y/n was fighting back tears herself as she cradled the inconsolable child in her arms on the couch. He was petrified of the dark and being by himself, the last few nights were too much for him and he physically needed someone there to sleep with him. He had practically ripped the collar of her shirt, painfully gripped her hair and pulled her closer to him when she said she was leaving to go to bed. This wasn't like any other cry she had heard from him that day, this was absolute terror and it broke her heart.

She finally decided to sit on the couch with him and hold him close, rubbing his hair and telling him she wouldn't leave him. She couldn't leave him. Even if Kylo demanded she put him down and come to bed with him, she wouldn't. He would just have to live with the fact that Kylo now had one hostage taking care of another in his care, and this is what she had to do. Just like her job under Larkin was to care for the girls and a baby, her new job was to take care of Eli until he went back home-whenever that time came around.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's play a game called "Every time I finish a chapter I'll post the next one." Deal? 
> 
> For those of you who don't like the Eli character, worry not. The fic still focuses strongly on Reader/Kylo and Eli is there to just progress the story in a very hands on way. If you're like me and you love him then hang on cause he's an awesome kid.


	13. Second Guessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets an important message that leaves him stressed, reader presents her self portrait to Kylo, and the next day she gets an unwelcome visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give up. I can't post on a set schedule anymore. Pay attention to your subscription boxes because I'm throwing chapters out there whenever I feel like it.  
> I also accomplished something very big today and I'm super proud of myself and I'm feeling generous, so here you are! More Eli for everyone who loves him.   
> Oh, and happy Saint Patrick's Day!

“Kylo, it's been two weeks, Eli needs something else to wear but my shirts.” You had been begging Kylo to get Eli some clothes that fit him for the past week and a half, but Kylo kept putting it off saying the Resistance was close to giving up the map and he wouldn't need to waste resources on the boy. You had also asked him for toys, things to keep Eli busy during the day when Kylo wasn't around to let him use his datapad for silly children's games. The only response you got from Kylo was “...Toys?” From under his helmet you could tell he was confused.

“Yes, like wooden trains, blocks, action figures? He likes playing on your tablet at night and he likes drawing, but he's been growing bored with those things.” You didn't need to see Kylo's face to know he was looking at you blankly. “Doesn't the First Order have children in it? What do you give them to keep them entertained?”

“The children of the First Order are groomed from birth, unless they're kidnapped, to be a part of the organization, they do not get _toys_. They are always learning and have no time for toys.” You shot a look back at Eli, who was happily tapping away on Kylo's tablet while sitting on the dining room table. “Okay, well what about books? You must have kid books here, you gave me one on my second day. Can you get him some books?” He shrugged his shoulders, there was a beat of silence between the two of you.

“Okay, well if you're not going to get me toys or books for him I at least need food.” A new request, you had asked Kylo two days ago for some things Eli could play with other than the pots and pans you had never seen Kylo use in his kitchen. But you had never asked for food. “I have breakfast and dinner sent every day, why do you need more food?” Kylo began making his way past you and toward the living room, ready to start his day at work. “Eli is growing, he needs snacks during the day. Plus if you're not going to get me toys for him he can always play with his food.”

You didn't have to be an expert in childcare to know that, for as long as Eli was under the joint care of you and Kylo, he was going to start to miss major milestones if he was kept cooped up in the house all day with nothing to do but watch First Order brain washing cartoons and play on a tablet. One of the things he needed was food on a much more regular basis than breakfast and dinner. He needed vegetables, grains, fruits, and proteins fed to him during the day to keep his energy up. Although you did like it when noon rolled around everyday and Eli dropped wherever he was to take a 3 hour nap, it gave you time to work on your self portrait without having to help him draw something of his own, or help him with the toilet, or find other ways to entertain him when he was bored. It wasn't good for him though, he needed more foods and stimulating activites to provide him more energy so he could continue to grow strong when he was released from the First Order. Kylo sat down on the couch to lace up his boots, offering you an “I'll think about it” as a response.

Suddenly, a small gasp from behind him. “Kylo Ren!” Eli called out loudly and excitedly. “You got a ding!” He was, of course, refering to the datapad's message system which always made a ding noise and vibrated whenever Kylo got a message. Kylo finished lacing up his boots and stood as Eli added in the last portion of his announcement: “It's from...Gen-Er-Al H-H-H...Gen-Er-Al H-U-X!” Kylo sauntered over and lifted Eli off of the table, turned, and set him down gently on the floor. “Y/n, I've told you to keep him off of the table like that, it's dangerous.” Kylo had warned you about that, but you felt like Eli deserved it. He often liked jumping from chair to chair and climbing onto the table, besides running around Kylo's quarters like a maniac it was the only time he got to develop his gross motor skills. Kylo held his hand out to Eli and he handed him the datapad. “Go stand next to Miss Y/n.” Eli obeyed, running up beside you and grasping your hand.

Kylo flipped through the screen and read the message silently, in the meantime you sat Eli on the couch and found his cartoons for him, Kylo was late getting to work today and it was almost nap time, you figured the TV might lull him to sleep a little bit sooner giving you more time to yourself to finish up your portrait. You watched Kylo's body language to see if the message was anything important, but he showed nothing. He simply locked his tablet and placed it in his coat pocket.

“I'll be back tonight, love.” He moved closer to you and caressed your cheek, normally when he left for work he didn't have his helmet on and he'd kiss you. Instead you decided to lean up and kiss the muzzle of his mask, thinking if you were on his good side he'd finally oblige you with the stuff you wanted for Eli. “Have a good day.” You said like you always did when he left, then it was just you and Eli. You couldn't help but wonder what that message was about, Kylo was so stiff when you held onto his shoulders to kiss him, you worried that it was going to be a stressful day for him and he'd want to take it out on you tonight when he got home.

 

You collapsed onto Kylo's chest, sweaty as could be, completely naked, with his cock still pulsating and shooting his seed inside of you. You were right that Kylo came home rather tense that night, while Eli ate his dinner on the floor in front of the TV you massaged the many knots out of Kylo's back. Kylo wanted to take you to the bedroom before Eli's bed time to release the pent up stress from the day, but you two had learned your lesson when Eli opened your bedroom door trying to get to the bathroom only to find you on your knees with Kylo's balls on your tongue and your hand pumping his cock. Granted, Eli only caught the back end of that, telling you the next day he only saw Kylo's “booty” and thought you were just picking something up off the floor. The relief you felt that morning was better than any relief you had ever felt. Kylo did offer to wipe Eli's memories from that night, you declined, however, fearing it was cause more trauma and stress for the child.

Ever since that night Kylo had to wait until well after 8 pm when Eli was fast asleep to fuck you and you made sure to lock your door. You knew Kylo found that to be annoying since he had an extremely active libido and sex was his only outlet to get rid of stress and anger most of the time.

Kylo also hated how quiet he had to be during sex while Eli was asleep, that was a problem you two had not encountered yet but you figured it would be just as embarrassing (if not more since Eli had already accidentally seen/heard a lewd moment between you and Kylo) as the first time he had caught you. So instead of hearing his loud moans and pants and you moaning for him, instead of him mindlessly mumbling to you about taking his cock and making him cum, you and Kylo could only grunt and whisper in each others ears as to not draw attention to your sexual adventures. You knew it frustrated Kylo to no end that when he made slow and passionate love to you you couldn't shout your false declarations of love to him, it probably even hurt him a little since he didn't seem to care when you said it outside of the bedroom. But oh well, you thought to yourself. He had to have known this is what he was going to get into when he allowed the child to live with you two.

“Can I show you something?” You asked him, sitting up and pulling his softening cock free of your entrance. Kylo's face was still stained red with post orgasm relief, his body was just as sweaty as yours and he was still attempting to catch his breath, but he nodded anyway, watching your naked form as you walked across the bedroom and got your sketch book. You sat down next to him and he draped his arm over your shoulder, cuddling you close to him and running his fingers up and down your arm. He had become clingy as of recently, something you thought was adorable and a welcome gesture.

“I've been working on this since the day Eli came here.” You flipped through until you found your self portrait, almost completely finished. All you had left to do was at the finishing details, things you wouldn't even need a mirror for. Kylo stared at it in awe, kind of like when you showed him the drawing of his mask. “Wow, y/n. That's beautiful.” A smile crept across your face at his praise, at how his eyes darted from the picture to your face. “What made you want to do a self portrait?”

You didn't want to tell him the truth, that you looked in the mirror that morning and saw someone other than yourself. So you shrugged, told him you wanted to draw something new and wanted a challenge. He smiled at you, he looked so proud at your major accomplishment which made your heart swell in your chest. “Well, it's beautiful. You did a good job.” He handed you your sketch book back and you placed it neatly on your bedside table. Kylo had asked if you were ready for bed, you politely nodded your head and made yourself comfy in his sheets. He turned off the light and did so himself, reaching over to kiss you goodnight.

You sat in bed staring at the wall for a while, not really thinking about anything in particular. Then you began thinking about Eli, about how he had sang you his ABCs that day, and about how he could write every letter of the alphabet, how he could count all the way up to 20, and by now had mastered the art of drawing every shape you could think of-even a rhombus! You thought about what you could teach him next, math? Science? History? You didn't know where to go with a 5 year old's education, you felt stuck.

“Y/n, go to sleep.” You closed your eyes and rolled over onto your back. Right before you could issue an apology Kylo cut you off. “He doesn't need you to teach him anything, he is a prisoner of the First Order, prisoners don't need to learn.” Placing a hand over your face you sighed at him, you hated it when he invaded your mind like this, didn't give any warning or indication he was doing so. Then he would have the nerve to respond to you! “Kylo, he's gotta stay sharp. I'm sure he was in some sort of school program before he was stolen, I'm just trying to help him. Plus he enjoys learning and I enjoy teaching him.” Kylo was quiet while he thought about your answer. “Have the Resistance even contacted anyone in the Order about him? It's been a long time, he misses his family.”

Another pause, then Kylo rolled over onto his side away from you. “No, they have not responded to our negotiations.” Did the Resistance even care about their stolen child? Did they care that he was neglected for days, or that he was now becoming attached to you and Kylo as his family away from home? Did they know? Did they even bat an eyelash when he was snatched from them? Then your mind wandered into a dangerous spot, what would Kylo do to Eli if the Resistance didn't care? Certainly he would not want a member of the Resistance residing with him forever, but you knew that under all of Kylo's unreadable emotions he cared for the child. Not as much as he cared about you, of course, but he cared for his wellbeing. Why else would he had handed his tablet over to Eli when he sat crying on the bed because he had wet the couch by accident in his sleep? Why else would he chastise both you and Eli for rough housing around?

“Kylo?” A grunt in reply. You were hesitant to continue your questioning, seeing as though Kylo was obviously getting annoyed with you. But you pressed on, it was either you ask it outloud or he would take it from your mind anyway. “What if the Resistance doesn't want him back?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you say they're barbaric, you say they're awful people and all. What if they don't want Eli back?”

“Then we will cross that bridge when we get there. Goodnight y/n.” You weren't satisfied with his answer, why was he side stepping around your questions like this? You became cautious, you thought he was hiding something in the moment. Kylo always had a plan, a plan for everything, you could easily tell that in the first few days you spent with him. So why wasn't he sharing his plan about Eli with you?

Maybe the Resistance really _didn't_ want Eli back. Maybe Kylo didn't take him for information about the droid. Maybe Kylo wanted to adopt him, maybe Kylo wants a family? Your cheeks began to burn at the thought, Kylo absolutely did not strike you as a man who would want children. Although that plan made no sense either, because why would he take a child of the Resistance to raise as his own when you were practically a walking pleasure house for him? Certainly he knew you could carry his child, that's what the birth control was for.

“Y/n I will not tell you again!” He said forcefully, causing you to jump slightly and pull yourself from your own thoughts. “Quiet your mind and go to sleep.” Your lip quivered and you decided the topic of Kylo's thoughts about Eli was no longer important enough to risk your life for, deciding instead to do as Kylo told you and sleep. You needed your strength for tomorrow, to ask him again for essentials for Eli: Clothes, toys, and food.

 

The next day, during nap time, you were cleaning up the many paper airplanes you and Eli had made together and flown around the living room. You smiled at the memories, of Eli laughing hysterically every time his would loop in the air, of teaching him how to fold each plane, of how he didn't want to do anything else but make planes after his first one flew into the kitchen and onto the fridge. Now here you were, picked up well over ten planes and still had at least ten more to go.

The front doors whizzed open, startling you and causing you to drop one of the planes. Your eyes narrowed as you saw the nasty ass lieutenant walk in with a cart chock full of stuff. She said nothing to you, didn't look at you either. She pushed the cart into the living room, stopping short when she saw Eli sleeping on the couch. She gave you such a dirty look, then continued to move the cart as noisily as she could to the kitchen. She rolled the cart over the remaining airplanes and seemed to go out of her way to step on as many as she could.

You realized how dumb your probably looked in a small white nightgown holding an armful of paper planes with a sleeping child on your couch. But then you remembered you had basically dashed her fantasies of getting with Kylo on your first day in the Order, so you could be dressed in the finest linens and have the most expensive jewelry on and she'd still think you were nothing but a whore. So you placed the planes down on the dining room table and stared at her, refusing to start the conversation. “These come from the Commander. Take care of them.” You nodded your head once and watched as she walked over the planes once again, heading for the door. Before she could reach it, however, she stopped short and turned to look at you. “It's funny, the last time I was here I was stepping on _our_ clothes, not trash.” She smirked and looked you right in the eye as she crushed another plane under her toe and giggled. You bit your lip and willed the blood to stop rushing to your face, you didn't want her to know she was bothering you.

“Ciao, whore.” She hurled one last insult at you as she left Kylo's quarters. If Eli hadn't had been sleeping on the couch you would have let out the loudest scream possible. To think you would have done anything to run home with that woman the last time you had seen her. She was still jealous of you, only this time around you didn't think you'd want to trade places with her knowing she and Kylo had officially had sex at least once. But would you go as far as to say you were jealous of her, that you were angry Kylo had sex with another woman at one point in time?

You shook your head, of course not! You were not jealous of of her just because she and Kylo had consensual sex once. More than once? _Ugh!_ You had been having sex with Kylo for you didn't know how long, he even told you he loved you! You had no reason to want what that woman had at some point (points? Grrr) in her life. In fact, if given the opportunity to leave and go back to the compound you would, you were sure you would. Back to...

Your face fell at the sudden thought you had about your past life. Here, you were well taken care of, fed fancy foods, given a hot shower, a cozy warm bed. You were loved on, kissed, cuddled, held, caressed. You were given orgasms and sometimes even provided orgasms to your approval. You hated to admit it, but you had begun second guessing yourself on if you wanted to go back to Larkin or not. Why go back to next to deplorable conditions to take care of some whores and their offspring when you could stay here with Kylo? Which life was really a life of slavery?

The truth was you didn't want to think about it.

 


	14. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbyes can be so painful.

Kylo was nervous as he made his way back to his quarters at the end of the day. He didn't know how he was going to break it to the girl that he was being sent off for a few days starting tomorrow. A First Order informant had directed them to Takodana, the droid had been spotted there hours earlier and didn't look like it was going to leave any time soon. So Kylo opted to spend one more night with the girl and then go and try to retrieve it, making sure the informant kept an eye on the droid. He had never been so far away from her since he had taken her in, and had never been away from her for so long. He didn't know how she would react, and it saddened him to think she may be extra upset. He wished so badly he could take her with him.

When Kylo got the news he'd be away from home for a few days he was at first very excited of course, then when he thought of the girl and (for a hot second) Eli he felt guilty. So he set up a food schedule so that breakfast and dinner was delivered every morning and night, acquired a crew to stand guard outside of his quarters and his windows from the outside of the base at all times, and to top it all off he sent out a squadron to go fetch everything she had asked him for several times. His orders were to find every article of clothing a 5 year old would need, every toy, and every food item deemed worthy enough to be given to Kylo's captives, and to keep in mind that he wouldn't settle for mediocre.

They came back with luxuries. Small suits, overalls, pajamas, shoes, hats, belts underwear, you would have thought all of these cloths were for a child that Kylo fathered himself and treated like royalty. The toys were amazing, a play house, bike, blocks, robots, coloring books, stuffed animals, you name it and it was brought to Kylo. He stared in awe at everything sitting in front of him, why did he not have toys like this when he was Eli's age? He was spoiling the boy, giving him all of these wonderful gifts and clothes. He felt like he was the boys own father, the father Kylo never had.

Most of the food came from the First Order's kitchen save for some special ingredients you could only find on certain planets. He hoped that it was enough to feed her and the child snacks whenever she felt like he needed them, if not he would send a storm trooper in at the end of every day to figure out if she needed anything else. When he was satisfied with everything that was before him he had someone pack everything up on a cart and have it delivered to her in the middle of the day, hoping it would make them both happy before they have to hear his bad news.

As he entered his quarters that night, he saw the mess that was his living room. However, a happy little boy running up and hugging his legs pulled him from the bad thoughts and instead focused all of his attention on Eli. “Kylo Ren! Kylo Ren! Kylo Ren!” The boy stood latched to his leg while stomping his feet like he couldn't get rid of his energy and excitement upon seeing him. “Hey there, Eli.” He bent down and picked the boy up, carrying him on his hip to the kitchen where the girl was. “Thank you for all my clothes and my toys Kylo Ren!” The boy was practically screeching in excitement, Kylo didn't think the child would be this happy.

“Y/n.” Kylo greeted her happily. She was reorganizing the kitchen to her standards, some of the food still out on the counters. She had turned and smiled at Kylo as he set the boy down on the kitchen counter. “Miss Y/n made me cookies but she says I can't have anymore till after dinner.” Kylo lifted his helmet off of his head and set it on the counter next to Eli. “Is that were all this energy is coming from?” She shrugged her shoulders and closed the fridge door, moving to start organizing the cans instead. “Would you like one?” Kylo nodded his head and she instructed Eli to grab the cookie container and get him one. Eli began crawling on his hands and knees across the counter toward the cookie jar when Kylo caught him, lifting him by his waist and moving him to the floor.

“Y/n, I've asked you-”

“I know, Kylo. I know. He's just, he's just happy. He hasn't been this happy in a while now.” Eli had begun pulling on Kylo's pant leg and begging him to look at his galaxy pajamas, Kylo placed a hand his head and pushed him back behind him. “Go play with your new toys, Eli. Miss Y/n and I have to talk.”

 

–

Kylo had told you standing in the kitchen that he would be gone for the next few days. He couldn't give you an exact amount of days, but it didn't matter. You were over joyed. Of course, you tried not to show it, your excitement for being alone with Eli for a few days seemingly pouring out of every pore in your body. A few days of not having to worry about Kylo's angry out bursts toward yourself or Eli or having to endure sex with the man was just what you needed, especially after how you questioned yourself on if you enjoyed your new life or not.

After tucking Eli in bed that night you nearly sprinted back to the bedroom to plan what you and Eli were going to do while Kylo was gone. You sat on the bed, one leg tucked under you writing down lesson plans and schedules and whatever else for Eli over the next few days. It excited you so much, now he could play and learn from sun up to sun down, he could climb all over the furniture until he passed out, you could teach him how to count and how to multiply and how to spell without Kylo coming home and reminding you that Eli was a prisoner and didn't need the First Order to teach him these things.

Kylo emerged from the bathroom behind you, causing you to close the sketch book and turn to see him. He was wearing nothing but his pants from the day and staring at you like he wanted to say something but couldn't. He walked over to you and asked if Eli was asleep, you nodded. Again, he had such an unsure look on his face. Like there was something he desperately wanted to say to you but couldn't. “Kylo? Are you alright?” Usually he was right down to the point when he wanted to fuck you and wouldn't stand around and stare at you like a sad puppy.

He grabbed your hand and gently pulled you from the bed and hugged you, just held you there against him for the longest time. He kissed your cheek once and then your neck, opting to just leave his face in the crook of your neck for the time being. “Just gonna miss you.” Your excitement for Kylo leaving quickly turned to guilt, you had forgotten to consider Kylo's emotions in this whole fiasco. You were constantly working to ignore the fact that Kylo loved you to the back of your mind, in your excitement you realized it worked a little too well today.You couldn't imagine how Kylo must have been feeling, maybe he felt so guilty that's why he gave you all of the gifts.

You hugged him back and rested your head on his chest, telling him you'd miss him as well. It wasn't totally a lie, you would miss him. Just not as much as he would miss you. “Will you come bathe with me?” You figured you owed it to Kylo to have one last pleasant moment with him before he had to leave, you didn't want him feeling so down either. So you obliged, allowed him to lead you into the bathroom only to find he had already set the scene: Bath water was run and was hot and steamy, there were candles lit on the counter near the sink, small flowers floating in the bath. You wondered if Kylo had really gone out of his way to set this all up for himself, if he would have forced you to take a bath with him if you had said no.

It was all so romantic, really. You loved this side of Kylo, the loving and caring side of him that goes out of his way to bring you giant chocolate bars while you're on your period or to draw a bath for you two. Before you could get a chance to undress, however, he stopped you. “I got one of these, I hope you like it.” He reached into the sink and pulled out a small round object that was covered in clear plastic wrap and handed it to you. You took it from him, admiring its perfect shape and periwinkle color. “What is it?” He took it from you and began unwrapping it then walked over to the tub. “It's something called a 'bath bomb,' just some soap and essential oils packed together. When you drop them in-” He dropped the ball and it began fizzing and bubbling, the water around it also began to turn periwinkle in color. “-It changes the bath water. This one is supposed to relax you.”

In your head you thought of it as his back up plan, that ball of soap was supposed to relax you once he forced you into the tub.

But you stripped down to nothing, you were determined to enjoy this moment if not for him then for yourself. You threw your hair into a bun and Kylo held your hand as you got into the bath, making sure you didn't slip. You took a deep breath as you sunk in, the warm water chased goosebumps away and you immediately felt every muscle in your body relax. Kylo turned the lights out and the bathroom was only being illuminated by the candles on the sink. He stared at you with that hurt expression on his face once again, ruining the relaxing and peaceful moment for you. “Well? Aren't you going to get in?”

His eyes widened as he remembered that's what he was supposed to be doing. He began working his belt off and slowly pulled his pants and underwear down his legs, you appreciated the fact that he was not aroused. “Scoot forward.” He said as he pushed on your back. You obliged, making enough room for him to sit behind you. Once he was settled into the water you heard him lean back and relax, releasing a sigh just like you had when you entered.

Kylo didn't seem interested in touching you at the moment, so you took to playing with the bath bomb. You scooped it in your hands and held it there, watching it grow smaller as it fizzed in your hand. “Do you like it?”

“I love it. Thank you Kylo.” He reached for your shoulders and began to massage you, something he often did not care to do. “Did Eli wear you out today?” You dropped the bath bomb back into the tub and rested your back against his chest. “When I took out the toys he went mad. He screamed so loud I was sure storm troopers were going to bust through our wall and arrest me.” Kylo giggled a bit and placed a kiss right behind your ear, causing your skin to prickle in his absence. “He wanted to play with everything at once, I told him he needed to slow down, pick one toy, and play with that for a while. Then he could play with something else.”

Kylos hands moved from your shoulders to your neck, you bent your head over your left shoulder to allow him to rub out an incredibly sore knot you hadn't realized you had. “Well then why did my living room look like a tornado blew through it?” While Kylo did sound quite firm with his question, you could hear the slight humor in his voice and didn't let him scare you. “Because he got into the toys the second I turned around to put the food away in the kitchen. I swear five minutes after going through some of the food, I went in to ask him if he wanted a small snack and found all of the toys everywhere.”

Another laugh from Kylo and you felt the knot in your neck go completely slack, he made his way down and massaged along your spine. “He asked me if he could take them all back home with him.” A minute wave of sadness washed over you briefly. Eli talked about his family and life back home fairly often, never when Kylo was around. You knew that he missed his family terribly and would often ask when he was going to be able to go back to mommy and daddy. You could never give him an answer, instead trying to distract him more with whatever you could-it would now be easier to distract him since you had new toys at your disposal.

“I didn't think about that.”

“Neither have I.” You answered, moving to swirl your finger around the last little bit of the bath bomb. “I mean, I guess he can have them. Since the kids in the First Order don't-”

“Maybe we can keep them for our children.”

You almost laughed at Kylo in disbelief. “Don't....don't get...” You couldn't find the strength to continue your sentence. Instead, your eyes grew so much you were afraid they would pop out of your head. You could feel your heart beat begin to quicken and so much adrenaline pumped through your body you could actually taste it.

_Did you hear him correctly?_

Kylo reached around you and pulled you against him, placed a kiss on the top of your head. “Don't be afraid.” You wanted to run, to fly out of the tub and leave Kylo to find someone else to carry his children. But you couldn't, because Kylo then took your small hands into his big ones and rested them on your belly.

You were confused, was this what Kylo wanted to tell you so badly before you two got into the bath? You had thought he was trying to tell you he would miss you, but now? You exhaled sharply, not even realizing that you were holding your breath. What made him all of the sudden want to have children with you? Was it Eli, or was it your ability to care for Eli so well?

“You worry too much.” His thumb scraped over your belly button and you shivered, despite the hot water in the tub. “Relax. We came in here to relax.” It had been a long time since you had cried and you were extremely proud of yourself for it, but the tears were beginning to well in your eyes. You knew that if Kylo decided he wanted to father your children you would have no say. No say in if you wanted to be a mother, no say in names, no say in if they even stayed with you. It was such a sad and hopeless situation, there was no way out.

His hands went from your stomach back up to your shoulders and began to massage them again, this time not as gentle as before. “There's nothing to worry about, love. Just relax, like I said.” You could hear the edge an slight irritation in his voice, something you never liked or dared to toy with in fear of the consequences. So that's what you did, or at least tried to. You leaned back into him and let him touch you, he replaced his hands on your belly once again and you just sat there together. No words were spoken, but knowing Kylo you knew he had already made up his mind on the matter.

Your mind went back to what you had originally agreed to this for. You would try and enjoy it, if not for you then for Kylo.

 

The next morning you awoke to the soft sound of fabric rubbing together. It was still night time, the only thing that illuminated the room was the closet light. When you rolled over you caught a glimpse of Ren sitting down onto the bed to put on and lace up his boots. He had on what looked to be a bullet proof vest, something you had never seen him wear before. You lay there on your back quietly observing him dress, wondering if he knew you were awake or not. He stood again, made his way into the closet and returned with the rest of his clothing. His eyes found yours and with a slight frown he nodded at you then placed his clothing on the bed, looking at it as if he expected it to jump onto his body and clothe him.

His pain and sadness radiated off of him and onto you, it was so heavy you couldn't help but to pity him. You didn't think last night he was in this much turmoil. You cursed yourself as you made you decision, but you stood and made your way over to him, you wanted to comfort him as best as you could.

You stood boldly in front of him, he didn't look at you, only at his clothing on the bed. He reached for his shirt and lifted it over his head, moving it down his torso. Just as he had done to you, you grabbed the sides of it and helped him shimmy it over his body. His head emerged from the top and you gave him a small smile. He fixed the ruffled sleeves to his liking while you prepared the robes, holding them steady as he pushed his arms through them. Then came his belt, which he respectfully elevated his arms so you could adjust it on his waist and tighten it just the way he liked it. Finally was his cowl, you swung it around his neck and gently fastened it over his left breast. Two wet tears from each of his eyes fell from him and onto your hands, your heart was beginning to shatter as it finally hit you he'd be gone for the next few days, no where near to protect or care for you.

You flooded your mind with the memories from the previous night, willing your indifference toward him back as best as you could. As he put on his gloves he finally spoke to you. “I'm sorry. I should not have been so, so-” his voice cracked out as he adjusted his glove and flexed his fingers. “I understand.” You assured him and kissed away his tears. He nodded his head, painfully pulling his wet eyes away from yours and grabbed his helmet. “I'll be back as soon as I can.” Before he lifted his arms to put his helmet on you grabbed his face-you couldn't help yourself.

“Kylo, you'll go, you'll get the droid, we'll take Eli home and everything will be okay, right?” You couldn't tell if that was meant to be a question for him or a reassurance, you didn't want to be the one needing reassurance at the moment. His free hand grabbed yours and rubbed up and down, another tear rolled down his face. “Exactly, y/n.” He took in a breath and pressed his forehead to yours. As he he exhaled he kissed the bridge of your nose. “I'll, I'll miss you.” You wanted to tell him you loved him, to lie to him because you knew he liked it. But you really didn't want the man to break down sobbing right in front of you. “I'll miss you, Kylo.” His smile was too adorable. “Go on, you'll be late. I'll be right here when you get back.” He nodded and pulled away from you, your forehead turned cold in his absence.

You followed him as he walked out of the bedroom and down the hall, taking small and slow steps as if to drag the time he spent at home on. You leaned against the wall and watched as he stopped next to the couch, taking a look in Eli's direction. He was curled up on the couch under his red blanket, facing away from you and Kylo. You didn't expect Kylo to do anything to Eli, you didn't think Kylo thought of Eli as anything other than a bargaining chip that needed to be kept in shape so Kylo could get what he wanted.

So when Kylo bent down and ruffled the sleeping child's hair it took you by complete surprise.

You smiled pleasantly at Kylo as he made his way to the door, feeling tears prick your eyes with every step he took away from you. The doors opened and he stepped through. As soon as you were sure they were about to close Kylo stopped, turned and looked at you one last time. You were thankful for his helmet, because you could almost see the hurt look on his face as he turned and left you alone. Right before the doors closed you could see two Storm Troopers step in line behind him, backs facing away from you. Still, you felt vulnerable without him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets what he wants, reader knows this all too well. 
> 
> Also, my 22nd birthday is tomorrow, so unfortunately no updates till maybe Tuesday. If not definitely Wednesday.


	15. Accidents can Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your time away from Kylo is spent lovingly with Eli. Until he gets back, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your birthday wishes! I spent my 22nd birthday in bed writing and reading on my new Kindle!

You spent a lot of your first morning without Kylo sitting in the biggest window with Eli sitting in your lap gazing at the snowy landscape. Eli would occasionally point at various things and ask what they were, such as trees, animals, and the storm troopers in training. He took notice of two troopers that were standing outside your window and asked you what they were doing, why they weren't marching like the others were. “I don't know, dude. But they sure do a good job at standing, don't they?” Eli nodded his head and took another bite of his toast that was delivered with breakfast. The first rule you broke was you didn't eat at the table.

“What are their names?”

“Don't know that either, kid, sorry.” You said as your brushed some crumbs out of your lap. “Why didn't Kylo Ren eat breakfast with us?” You smoothed his hair and leaned back against the rounded port. “He has important things to do, he won't be back for a few days.”

“What 'portant things?”

“He has to go somewhere to get something.”

“To get what?”

“I don't know, Eli.” You loved his curiosity but you just couldn't answer his questions, he didn't need to know that his enemy was making his way to his tribe to possibly hurt his family. “Oh. Well when will he be back?”

“A few days.” You saw him open his mouth, so you answered his question in advance. “I don't know how many days either.” Eli went back to asking about the storm troopers outside. He's point at one and ask what their names were, when you told him you still didn't know you asked him to make up names for each of them. You two came up with silly names for each trooper, Egg Head, Darth Vader, Silly Man, etc. You had a good laugh with Eli as he did, although it did unnerve you that he named one of them “Darth Vader,” but you just thought of it as childs play.

“I think that guys name is FN-2187!” He pointed at the one standing outside of the window on the left. You cracked a smile and furrowed your brows at him. “That's a strange name. What makes you say that?” Eli stuffed the last of the toast into his mouth and swallowed hard, reaching back to wipe his hands on his chest. “That's my friends name! Well, his name is actually Finn, but when he looked like them his name was FN-2187.”

“Your friend was a storm trooper?” He shook his head like he always did. “Finn told me all about being one of those guys. He said it was scary and he was really lucky to escape. I don't think I would want to be a storm trooper.” You thought on the childs words, not really certain on if he was telling the truth or not. You had not heard anything from Kylo about one of his men escaping the Order, but then again it wasn't really any of your business. Kylo never really shared that kind of information with you verbally, only physically in the form of rough sex and beatings.

After breakfast Eli took to playing with his toys in the living room while you rummaged through the fridge getting an eye for what foods you could make for him for lunch. Not that either of you were hungry, you just wanted to prepare. It had been a long time since you had cooked for anyone, you were rusty. But you wanted to cook meals, not just cookies and peanut butter snacks for Eli.

So Eli became your food guinea pig. That afternoon you made him a ham and cheese grilled sandwich with home made tomato soup. You expected him to enjoy the sandwich, but didn't expect him to love the soup. He even asked for more! So you refilled his tomato soup and made him another sandwich, cutting it in half and keeping some for yourself. You were even impressed that you could make something so mundane and normal taste so good, especially since the food Kylo had sent was top quality and delicious.

The rest of the day was uneventful, at least until it came to dinner time. The second rule you had broken was eating dinner in bed. In Kylo's bed. You and Eli ate your meal sitting curled up next to each other under Kylo's comfy covers, all while watching TV on his giant flat screen. That night Eli insisted you help him count the peas on his plate before he ate them. You looked down at him and told him he had to eat half the peas first and then you'd help him count. So you two continued to eat in silence, and once you deemed he had eaten enough of his peas you helped him count.

As soon as you spit out the final number, 54 peas, you thanked Eli in your head for being such an obedient kid. You figured if he was rather unruly and wouldn't listen to you Kylo could straighten him out, but you were glad he came to you the way he did. You could only show Eli love and compassion and he'd reciprocate it right back at you.

After dinner you were feeling the cooking bug again, decided to make up cake pops for desert. You didn't have any lollipop sticks so you had to go with tooth picks that you cut the sharp ends off of. As you rolled the cake spheres Eli colored in one of his books on the floor next to you. “Miss Y/n? Can I see what's in your coloring book?”

“In my sketch book?”

“Yeah. I wanna see what you color too.” You dipped the cake into the blue frosting and handed one to him. “Well, maybe later dude. Eat your cake pops for now and we'll see.” You were nervous about showing him your sketch book, afraid he'd go after it one day while you weren't looking and spill something on it or ruin it some how. “Can I see it tonight before bed time? Instead of my bed time story?” You hated how Eli could bargain so easily, you almost always hated to deny him while he was being so cunning and cute at the same time. “Perhaps, like I said, eat your cake pops and we'll talk about it later.” You handed him two more, then decided to stop and have one for yourself.

Evidently there was too much sugar in those cake pops, because at 9 pm, an hour after Eli's bed time, he was jumping up and down, doing cartwheels, and back flips on Kylo's bed. You had tried to put him in bed at 8:30, but he still had energy after his bed time story. Getting up and asking for water, or for another cake pop, or to read another book. So you allowed him to jump for another half an hour, even joining him on the bed and helping him jump high up in the air. You and Eli were giggling so loud and making so much noise that when suddenly you heard the front doors open you were certain you'd be punished for keeping everyone else awake.

You grabbed ahold of Eli mid jump and carried him to the living room, ready to put him to bed for real this time when you were greeted by a storm trooper. “Goodevening Ma'm.” You set Eli down and held him by the shoulders in front of you, you both were sweaty and trying to catch your breath. “Good evening.” You greeted him. Eli raised his hand and waved at him. “Hi Mr. Stormtrooper.” The trooper looked down at Eli, then back up at you. “Is everything okay tonight?” Your cheeks began to turn red in embarrassment. “Oh, yes. Everything is okay. I'm sorry if we were too loud. I'll get him in bed as soon as possible.” You began to usher Eli toward the couch but were stopped by the trooper. “No ma'm. I was asking if you had everything you needed.” You stopped, then smiled at him. “Um, yes. I think I'm alright thank you.”

“Very well then. Goodnight.” He turned and began to leave when Eli squeaked “wait!” after him. The storm trooper turned around and both of you stared at him. “What is your name Mr. Stormtrooper?” You mumbled Eli's name, then grabbed his hand to lead him to the couch. Before you could even get him to take a step, the Storm trooper turned around and answered him, quite to your surprise. “GL-4592.” A huge smile spread across Eli's face. “Do you know who FN-2187 is? His real name is Finn but he's my friend!” The storm trooper shot a look at you, then simply turned around and left. “Ooookay then.” You said as you turned to tell Eli it was officially now time for bed, but he had already sprinted halfway down the hallway back to the bedroom.

You had settled him down in Kylos bed and said he could have one more bed time story of his choosing. By now it was nearly 9:45 and even you were ready to go to sleep. “I wanna see your coloring book!” He exclaimed happily. At that point you were dying to shut your eyes and simply relax so you granted him this one victory over you, moving to retrieve it from the table on your side of the bed.

Eli oohed and awed over your drawings. The drawing of the helmet seemed to captivate him, after every other sketch you showed him he'd always ask you to flip back to Kylo Ren's helmet. It made you sad when he told you about how afraid he used to be of it, mostly because you used to be just as afraid of it as he was. “But check this out, Eli. This has been my favorite one to do so far.” You warned him with pride bubbling up in your chest. You were excited to show him your self portrait, you knew he'd be just as impressed as Ren was! So you flipped through the pages from the helmet to your self portrait, only to gasp in horror once you got to where it was.

Instead of looking at a picture of yourself, you were looking at nothing, nothing but a blank white page and torn edges. “Um, nothing is there.” You felt like you could have hit him over the head, you could clearly see there was nothing there. “Eli, did you tear pages out of my sketch book?” You couldn't hide the panic in your voice, you didn't even know he knew where you kept it because Kylo hardly ever let him come back into the bedroom. “Nuh-uh.” He shook his head and tried to flip more pages in your book but you slammed it shut, staring at a fixed point on the wall in complete disbelief and trying to stop yourself from crying.

“Miss y/n, what's wrong?” You wanted to throw the sketch book across the room, you didn't even know if you believed Eli when he said he didn't take your drawing. Because who else would have-

Of course. Of fucking course. Why hadn't you thought of it before?

“K-Kylo.” You had literally felt your heart shatter, the tears came before you knew it and you couldn't stop them. Kylo knew he was going to miss you so much that he stole your self portrait, he took it for himself for his journey away from home. You imagined him looking at it every night, crying because he missed you so much, maybe he kept it in his pocket while he was in battle so he could still hold you so close.

Eli had gotten up on his hands and knees and started rubbing your back, asking you what was wrong again. You did your best to silence your grief and wiped your eyes before looking at him. “Nothing dude, I'll be okay.” You tried smiling at him, but he could see right through you. He hugged you, tight around your neck he clung to you. You hugged him back, crying a bit harder knowing this was the first time in a long time that someone had taken time out of their day to comfort you when you needed it the most.

Some time passed and you realized Eli had fallen asleep in your arms. You weren't sure what to do with him, you feared carrying him all the way to the couch would wake him up but you didn't know if it was a good idea to let him sleep in the bed with you. You wouldn't want him to get used to it because there'd be no room for him once Kylo returned. You cradled him in your lap, looking over his sleeping face and admiring how peaceful he looked. His mouth hung slightly open and drool was beginning to dribble down his chin, he was out.

So you settled him next to you, tucking him into Kylo's sheets and promising yourself this wouldn't become a regular occurance. You'd just explain to him tomorrow morning that he had fallen asleep in Kylo's bed and you had been too tired to move him. You actually couldn't admit to yourself that you also didn't want to move him because it would have been your first time sleeping alone, you didn't want to be lonely again.

 

The next five days blurred together as you fell into a routine with Eli. Wake up, eat breakfast, play, nap, lunch, snacks, dinner, sleep. You were still feeling quite down about your portrait being stolen, that coupled with the fact that you were now starting to miss Kylo quite a lot made a sizable hole in your heart.

You had taught yourself how to cook in those five days as well, it helped that Eli seemed to eat and like everything that you made. Sometimes he even preferred your meals over the ones that were brought to you during the day. He was like a garbage compactor, everything went down so easily. There wasn't a single thing he ate that he didn't like.

Him sleeping in Kylo's bed also became a regular occurrence, unfortunately. Not that you minded at the time, it was good knowing he was so close to you and wouldn't get into anything while you were asleep. You had even explained to him the next night that when Kylo came back he would have to go back to sleeping on the couch, to which he shook his head at you and then cuddled up, ready to sleep comfortably right next to you.

On the 6th day you and Eli were hanging out in one of the windows again playing I spy. He had spied something white, and you had guessed the snow. “What is snow?” He asked. “You don't know what the snow is?” He had pressed his finger against the window and shook his head. “It's all the white stuff that you see.”

“You mean like on the ground and trees?”

“Yep. Did I guess correctly?”

“No way! I was thinking of the stormtroopers!” You both giggled at each other for a second, you got the feeling he was actually referring to the snow but didnt want to admit he lost. “Have you ever played in the snow?” He shook his head and took a sip of his juice box. “Really? Have you ever seen snow?”

“Nope!” You were shocked, you thought almost every planet had a snow cycle. Except for this planet, apparently this planet only had snow cycles. Even Oceri had snow every few months, thought you never had the luxury of playing in it when you were owned by Larkin. “Well, maybe before you go home we can go outside and play.”

“What can you play in the snow?” You explained to him all about how to play in the snow. Snow ball fights, igloos, snow angels, sledding, and the like. He seemed intrigued and wanted to know if he could play outside in the snow right now. “Sorry dude, we can't leave this room unless Kylo Ren says so.” Eli replied with an “awe man!” Then jumped out of your lap and toddled over to the front door. “Miss Y/n, I can get the door open, then both you and I can go make snow men right?” He began to slap the door with his palms, then tried to pry it open with his small hands.

“I don't think so, Eli.” You answered with a small sigh. _If I could have gotten the doors open I would have done that by now._ A feeling of despair washed over you in that moment, you hadn't felt so hopeless in such a long time. Maybe it was because you had finally found something you couldn't give to Eli. You couldn't take him outside to play like every 5 year old should be able to do.“Should I start making lunch? Are you hungry?” He then sat on his stomach trying to see under the door. His persistence made you smile just a tad. “Peanut butter and ants please!”

So you started making his lunch, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with raisins in it, he said the raisins resembled ants so you named the dish “Peanut Butter and Ants.” Half way through laying the raisins you heard Eli scream at the top of his lungs. The knife you were holding to spread the jelly went soaring into the air and you had accidentally knocked the raisins over scrambling to get to him.

When you made it to the living room you were faced with a chaotic scene. Eli was standing in front of the door, leaning back and yanking his arm away but had no such luck. The door was part way open, revealing only one storm trooper. Eli's cries of pain echoed in your ears, and after assessing the situation you realized when the door had tried to open it trapped Eli's fingers in the slit in the middle.

You hurried to his side and grabbed his arm, assessing the damage and wondering how you were going to free his trapped fingers. The person on the other side of the door kept pressing the button, causing Eli to scream in pain even louder. Eli looked on at you helplessly as you grasped what you could of his fingers and wiggled and pulled, nothing was freeing them. Again, the door opened just a tad bit more, further trapping his fingers. Eli collapsed to his knees and cried out in agony the door trapping even more of his fingers now.

“God damn it! Stop opening the door you fool!” You stared down at Eli's red face, and his bleeding fingers, pulling them out was not an option. You had to find something to help ease his fingers out of the contraption. “Butter!” You yelled at no one in particular. As soon as you thought of it you jumped up and ran to the kitchen, his screams making the situation that much more stressful and urgent. You pulled everything out of the fridge as you frantically tried to remember where you had placed it when it arrived.

It was in the little drawer where the meats and cheeses were, you made a mental note to try and remember why you'd placed it there in the first place later. You had it in you hand, gripping it so hard your fingers made indents in the substance. With each step it seemed Eli was under more and more distress, so as fast as your feet could carry you you made it to the living room. What you found out there stopped you cold in your tracks.

On the ground squatted Kylo, his helmet had been thrown aside and he cradled Eli in his arms. He looked up at you, panic was set in his eyes just as yours had. The door was wide open, several storm troopers were looking at the shit show that was playing out in your quarters. You didn't know whether you should feel relived or terrified.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance for chapters 20 and 21. They WILL break your heart.


	16. Jealousy (Definitely Not!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Kylo can easily read your thoughts?

Kylo was shouting something at you as he stood and carried Eli over to you. You were too stunned and afraid to hear what he was saying fully. The only thing you could catch was “Why weren't you watching him?” At that point you started crying. “I-I was watching him! I-” Kylo shifted Eli so he was only holding him in one arm and smacked the butter out of your hand. “What the hell are you doing? Go get the medical supplies in the bathroom!” You did as you were told, making your way to the bathroom as best as you could with blurry vision.

You doctored Eli's fingers while Kylo tried to console him in his lap. You two had successfully stopped his screams and he only sat whimpering as you cleaned the blood off of his fingers. The doors had ripped the first layer of skin off of his pointer and middle fingers, along with that his finger nail was ripped in half. You wrapped his fingers snugly with a bandage and ran your fingers a long them. Kylo looked down at him with a heavy look of pity. Another look like Kylo desperately wanted to say something to him, but just couldn't find the words.

Gently, Kylo handed Eli to you and asked you to put him on the couch. It was around nap time anyway, Eli would probably be asleep after his near brush with death. So you cuddled him on the couch until he did fall asleep, and even while he slept you stroked his hair and admired his angelic features.

“Y/n.” You looked up and saw Kylo leaning up against the hallway wall. He had shed some of his outer clothing and just had on his shirt and pants. He motioned with his fingers for you to follow him to the bedroom. You figured this was finally when he'd say he missed you, when you'd get to say “Welcome home Kylo!” and give him a hug and a kiss. So you set Eli down on the couch and followed Kylo to the bedroom

You were not expecting him to yell at you and beat you for almost an hour.

First, he blamed you for Eli getting hurt. According to him you should have been watching him and you should have had the common sense to not let him play with the door. With tears in your eyes you protested that Eli was five, he did not need _constant_ supervision. From the kitchen you could have heard if he had gotten into anything bad, and it was not like there was anything dangerous in Kylo's quarters. He shot back with an “obviously not.” You told him he should have had his door inspected more closely, that it was not your fault his door was built so poorly and that it could trap a small persons fingers.

That's when the beating started. He slapped you, then pulled you up and slammed you into the wall. He beat your head against the wall and pushed you against it so hard you could barely breathe. “How dare you argue with me! How dare you talk back to me!” He shouted at the top of his lungs as he threw you to the ground. “And then you called me a _fool?_ What the hell has gotten into you?” He kicked you several times in the stomach before grabbing you by your shirt and hoisting you up into the bed. “Need I remind you that you were a _whore_ before I rescued you? Huh? You should be grateful for me you fucking whore!”

The bedroom was filled with nothing but the sounds of his fist colliding with your face and your shrieks of pain and agony. Whenever Kylo was stressed out he always took it out on you in the form of a slap to the face or hatefucking you. You knew something terrible must have happened while he was gone to be this stressed that he felt like he needed to beat you over a simple accident that could have happened to anyone.

Once he was done assaulting you he took a step back and faced away from you, seemingly trying to regain his composure. “If I don't get what I want because you fucked up today, I will kill you Y/n. I won't even think twice about it.” His words chilled your bones as you sat up to face him. Although, you couldn't help but to doubt him. He had threatened your life once before when you knocked over his grandfather's helmet, he chocked you like he was going to kill you but then broke down in tears because he “loved” you too much to end your life.

You could feel blood leaking out of your nose, knew you would likely have bruises painted all over your skin. You took what he had said to you into consideration, thinking carefully on what you would say to him next. Eli was nothing but a way for him to get the map, and coincidentally that's what he had left to go get for the past 6 days. So you assumed his threat to you meant he didn't get the droid. “You, you didn't get the droid while you were gone, did you?” Your voice was hoarse, and while you were waiting for a response you ran your tongue over your teeth to see if he had knocked any out.

He turned, his face was no longer red and angry. He had a cool and calm look, which scared you even more. In a deep, low toned voice Kylo growled at you: “Get out there and take care of him.” He only confirmed your suspicions with his reluctance to answer your question. You rolled over onto your side, let your arm fall limp off the side of the bed and not caring at the blood beginning to stain your pillow. You were hurt, you could not keep up with Eli like you needed to in this state. “I can't.” You exhaled. “Now Y/n!” You saw his arm fly up and point at the door but you could no longer see his face, not that you particularly wanted to at that time, just another face of betrayal for you.

With a swift intake of breath you willed your tears away and shouted at him. “You just beat me and I've been taking care of him by myself for the past six days! You go take care of him!” You went back to freely crying, the smell of your tears and blood mixed together making you feel extremely ill. Kylo let out a frustrated growl and grabbed you by your hair, pulling you off the bed and across the floor on your ass. He threw you into the hallway and slammed the door in your face. From the other side you could hear crashing noises that indicated he was throwing furniture around in an act of rage. “I'm glad you're home too, Kylo.” you whispered quietly to yourself.

 

You were delighted to see that Eli had slept through your entire confrontation with Kylo. You hastily made your way to the kitchen where you threw cool water all over your face, using a paper towel to wash the blood off your face and tears out of your eyes. Of course, you didn't have a mirror to assess the damage to your face. You would just have to hope it wasn't too bad that Eli would be traumatized.

You feared Kylo would come out into the kitchen and continue his brutalization of you because the kitchen was a mess, so you cleaned up Eli's lunch and put it in the fridge, he could eat it tomorrow if he wanted to. You then cleaned up all the raisins and the knife that you had dropped, one less thing Kylo could get upset over.

Soon before you knew it Eli was awake. When he ran to the dining room table to say hi to you he abruptly stopped and stared at you with a look of horror. “Miss y/n! Did you get hurt today?” You immediately broke down into tears in front of him.

 

–

 

Kylo did his best to relax for the rest of the evening. The past few days were just horrid for him. He had to spend what little alone time he got in his small bunker on his Command Shuttle in his small uncomfortable bed. The food he ate was awful and his shower water was always cold. He had underpacked clothing so after three days he had to wear his old clothes, he had smelled horrible. The photo of the girl he had stolen had also fallen out of his pocket while he was on the battlefield and he had wasted time and resources while sending his men to find it. When he got it back it was covered in dirt. He took his time scratching it clean as best as he could, he was so angry at himself that he lost it but decided to keep it in his bunker for the rest of his trip to ensure he did not lose it again.

To wrap everything up, he had not recovered the droid. He had not even seen the droid at all. The only thing he had found that could help aid him in obtaining the map he caught running away from an old castle. A girl, a young girl that had seen a portion of the map. In fact, she matched the description of the girl that was seen flying away with the droid. At the point where he found her he was so exhausted and missed y/n so much he was content with just taking a chance at ripping the map from her mind, he put her to sleep and carried her onto his shuttle and ended the mission right then and there.

He strapped her into a chair and restrained her as tight as he could. She would not get the same treatment his girl got on board his shuttle-she didn't deserve it, and even if she did he was not feeling kind enough to grand her simple luxuries like sitting comfortably in a chair. He gave his storm troopers simple instructions to guard her and then he went back to his bunker to sleep the rest of the journey back to Star Killer base, where he would interrogate her and take exactly what he wanted from her, then get back to y/n and spend as much time with her as he could.

 

The only problem was the scavenger resisted him, and resisted him with all the strength someone who was strong with the Force had. She saw right through his mind, saw his fears and his weaknesses and was verbal about them the entire time he was with her. Just like the day his girl sensed he had lied about beating her, he had to leave, he had to get away from the scavenger girl. He hated feeling so vulnerable and so open around anyone like that, he had to go regain himself.

The wrong place to go was to General Hux, but Kylo felt like he needed to know his plan for the scavenger. So for his time out he spoke with the General who, of course, doubted every part of Kylo Ren's plan. Kylo was not in the mood to argue, so he turned his attention toward Supreme Leader Snoke. He explained to him what happened and Snoke was shocked to hear the scavenger was apparently stronger than him. He assured him all he needed was Snokes guidance and he could pull the map right from the scavengers mind.

The Ginger cocksucker interrupted his private conversation with Snoke, causing Kylo that much more stress. He even spoke to Snoke like Kylo didn't know what he was doing, saying Kylo had literally handed the droid back to the Resistance. By the time Kylo left the meeting he was almost in tears, chastised by Snoke for not collecting the droid like he was supposed to. He assured Snoke he would go and pull the map from her head at once, this time not letting his insecurities get in his way.

The only problem was when he arrived at her cell, she was gone. Her restraints were open and she was not there.

Instead of taking his frustration out the way he usually did he took the time to find her, putting the base on complete lock down and sending every single storm trooper after her. While this was going on he went back to review surveillance footage he saw he was too late. The girl had out smarted him and every one of his men, making her way through the halls and into the hangar where she stole a TIE fighter and flew her way out, most likely never to be seen again.

He was livid. The tears fell freely under his helmet as he was so angry and frustrated with how his plan had literally flown out of the Orders hands. He decided enough was enough, that the General would have to clean up his mess for him. He needed to go back to his quarters to properly take care of his pent up stress from the last six days.

Only that didn't go as he wanted to either because his door was jammed, filled with Eli's precious fingers. He had to stand there and listen to his screams of pain and agony as he desperately tried to fix the situation, only to have y/n call him a “fool” from the other side of the door for trying to help him. Kylo couldn't hold his anger back at her, first yelling at her in the living room and blaming her for Eli being stuck, then letting lose all of his brutal strength on her in the bedroom. He was calm enough to not hurt her so much she passed out of suffer any major damage, but when she also saw straight through him and guessed correctly that he didn't get the droid. He felt like the best thing to do was to be alone, to destroy his room instead of the woman that he loved. So he gripped her by her hair and thew her out, knowing she'd at least be safe from him while he lost all control of himself and his anger.

He had tried to fall asleep, one of the problems he had was lack of good rest for the past six days. That didn't work for him, so he tried to meditate, that didn't work for him either. So he made due with sitting in bed and trying to formulate another plan for getting the map, that only worked for about an hour until he heard the girl sobbing from out in the living room. Kylo gave into his tears at that point, finally admitting that he was such a terrible person. He couldn't follow simple instructions, he couldn't interrogate a simple scavenger, couldn't stop a prisoner from escaping, couldn't properly help Eli, and worst of all, couldn't stop himself from hurting the one person he loved and the one person that loved him back. He was a failure.

He wanted nothing more than to hold her, to apologize profusely about hurting her but he knew it would do no good. He had done it with her before and while it did work for a while he'd always lose his cool about something and take it out on her. He'd hurt her over and over again.

The guilt weighed heavily on him, he felt like he was falling down a dark path that he couldn't dig himself out of, like there was absolutely no hope for him. So he did the only thing he could do in the moment, he cried.

 

–

You found yourself holding onto Eli as he slept on the couch again, he was laying on top of you while you tried to sleep on your back. You didn't think you could face Kylo by yourself, so you decided to spend your evening with Eli instead. You two ate dinner alone, played with his toys alone, listened to Kylo destroy his room alone, and fell asleep listening to Kylo cry alone. Everyone had left this situation hurt and crying, it just wasn't fair. Eli was so nervous he barely even said anything to you all night long.

So you did your best to relax for him, holding him tight against you as you drifted off into a light sleep. You dreamed about life before Larkin, with your parents that abandoned you not long after you were Eli's age, life living on the streets for years and years and years. You dreamed of the time Larkin caught you, the way he spun you around and took you with the most disgusting look on his face. His empty black eyes burning holes through your body, his mouth full of yellow crooked teeth, his stench, his fat fingers and the way they held onto you tightly. You were terrified, he lifted you so easily and hoisted you over his shoulder and kept you in place as you kicked and screamed for him to put you down.

The only different thing about you dream tonight was instead of looking up at Larkin's face when he spun you around, you saw Kylo's face. It took you even longer to figure out that at the time you saw his face you weren't even dreaming, you were awake. He lifted Eli off of you and set him down on the other end of the couch then grabbed your hand and pulled you up to your feet. You sleepily followed his silent command to walk back to the bedroom and hoped he had gotten rid of his pent up anger enough to just let you sleep for the rest of the night.

He held the covers open for you and you crawled in, still too tired and too excited to go back to sleep to be disgusted or afraid of him for what he had done to you. You decided you'd be mad at him in the morning. He tucked you in and kissed your cheek, then made his way into bed and shut the lights off. You had decided not to fight him when he spooned with you, to not reply when he said “I'm glad to be home. I've missed you.” You were tired, didn't even have the strength to open your eyes again, didn't care that he cared about you in that moment. That would have to wait for another day.

 

Another day? More like another two hours. He was shaking you back and forth, softly whispering your name in your ear and demanding you wake up. You pried your eyes open and made your best angry face, this was the second time he had woken you up today and you were just annoyed now. “I want you to draw me a picture.” You narrowed your eyes at him, wondering if you had heard him correctly or if you had misinterpreted him in your extremely sleepy state. “Where is your sketch book and your pencils?”

“What the fuck?” You whispered before rolling back over, you were convinced you were dreaming. Kylo can get out of touch with reality sometimes, but wouldn't be this far out of his mind that he'd wake you up in the middle of the night to draw him a damn picture.

But like he frequently did, he proved you wrong. He grabbed you by the wrist and rolled you onto your back and pinched your cheeks between his fingers and thumb. “Did you hear me? Where is your sketch book?” You moaned, gargled on some welled up saliva in the back of your throat and weakly tried to push him off of you. “Wake up, Y/n!” He some how managed to quietly shout that at you and your eyes flew open. There was a sense of urgency in his face, like his life depended on whatever he wanted you to draw for him. “Where is your sketch book?” He asked again in a more firm tone. You pointed over to the dresser that held some of your clothes and rubbed the sleep out of your eyes. He retrieved your sketch book for you and grabbed one of the pencils and shoved them into your lap. Afterword he paced the floor in front of the bed while you awaited further instruction.

“Draw me an ocean.”

“J-Just an ocean? That's all you want?” He stopped and looked at you, looked at you as if he was suddenly second guessing himself. “No. There's an island. Draw an island.” You got to work on his damn island in the middle of the ocean. You were just going to half ass the entire project as a means of getting revenge for what he had put you through, but the look he was giving you told you that was not the greatest of ideas. “Draw the island big enough so you can draw things on it.”

“Okay, what things?” Your voice was thick with sleep. You stole a look over at his clock, it was 2 in the morning. “There, there was palm trees on the beach, and mountains in the background.”

“How many palm trees?” He stopped for a second, pondering your question. “Draw three. There was also a small hut on the beach.” It had occurred to you that he was having you draw something that he had seen. You rolled your eyes internally, wishing his vacation photos could have waited until tomorrow to complete. “But draw the palm trees spaced out enough, because there was a girl leaning up against one of them.” You narrowed your eyes at him while he paced back and forth. He had seen a good looking girl while he was away and now he was requesting you to draw a picture of her after he beat you for something you had next to no control over. Great.

You angrily sketched the details out as best as you could with how fast he was going. “Is this good?” You held up your picture and he stared. “Good. Keep going.” You added the mountains in the background, the finer details in the hut before moving onto the girl. “What is she-”

“She's so lonely. Can't you feel it y/n?” He bit his lip and stared at the ground. “No, Kylo. I cannot. The only thing I can feel is my pillow calling my name.” He shot you an angry look. “Don't you dare speak to me like that.”

“While we're on the topic, can I please have my portrait back?” You didn't know where all the sass was coming from, you didn't particularly think it was a good idea to sass him either but you couldn't stop yourself. You eyed him with suspicion as you waited for him to answer you. “I don't have your portrait.” You raised you eyebrows and, in an act of defiance, set your sketch book down in your lap and crossed your arms. “I _know_ you have it. Give it back! It wasn't yours to take.”

“Eli took it, I saw him take it when I got home.” You snorted. “You're a terrible liar, Kylo. Just give me my picture back.”

“Shut up y/n!” He shouted at the top of his lungs and took a step toward you. “Keep drawing and maybe I'll get you your picture back.” With a huff you picked up your sketch book and continued to work on the photo.

You had redrawn her attire and hair 4 times to Kylo's liking, all he told you was “scavenger clothing” when you had repeated your question about what she was wearing. When you had finally had a rough sketch of everything else down you showed it to him. He smiled at it. “Perfect.” You watched as his eyes roamed your drawing. You had spent the last hour and 45 minutes working on it but still felt like it was super sloppy. Of course, you had to keep up with Kylo's imagination, so you cut yourself a little bit of slack.

You began to worry when his eyebrows furrowed. “Where is her face?”

“I don't know what she looks like!”

“I've explained to you what she looks like several times.” Kylo was clenching his jaw. “But you never told me what her face looks like.” Kylo huffed at you, you could feel his irritation with you. “She has...her nose...” Kylo stumbled upon himself to describe her face, just like with her clothing every time you drew her it was wrong. By the 5th time Kylo had started berating you for not drawing her correctly. By the 12th time you had given up and threw the sketch book at him. “If she's so important to you then you draw her then!” You couldn't believe you were being coerced into drawing Kylo's new girlfriend that he met while he was gone. Maybe that's why he was so brutal toward you, he didn't want you anymore. He wanted this scavenger girl that he met on this island instead. When he beat you he was trying to kill you so he could kidnap the scavenger girl instead.

“Y/n! I can't draw her, I don't even know her name!”

“Well that's too fucking bad Kylo. Goodnight!” You angrily buried yourself under his covers and closed your eyes, angry tears beginning to fill your closed eyelids to your dismay. You heard Kylo shuffle around the room, heard your sketch book open and heard him flip through the pages. “You, you are jealous y/n.”

“I am not.” You heard the sketchbook close and heard him walk over to his side of the bed. “Yes you are. You are jealous of a woman you've never even met and that I don't know the name of.” The same feeling (that was for sure not jealousy!) you had toward the lieutenant began to rise in your chest. “I don't have anything to be jealous of, Kylo. Let me sleep!” You angrily balled your fists up in his blanket and clutched them as close to yourself as you could. “So if I brought this woman to my quarters and fucked her in the bed next to you, you'd have no problem right? Because you're not jealous?”

His fingers painfully twisted into your hair and he yanked your head back to see him. He was grinning, having so much fun toying with you over being jealous (which you weren't!). “You could fuck her on top of me and I still wouldn't feel a thing, because you're shit!” He flipped you over onto your back and gripped your face tightly. He had settled all of his weight onto your chest, the grin still never falling off of his face. “You're so cute, you're jealous of a woman that may or may not even exist. How do you know she is not just of a dream that I had y/n? Hmm?

“Does this mean that you enjoy what I do to you? Do you like it when I touch you, when I pleasure you? Does this mean you-” He pulled the waist band of his pajama pants down, exposing his flaccid cock. “-You love me?” He grabbed himself and rubbed his thumb over his penis, his thumb and his cock were almost the same size at the moment. With a grimace you spat at him, you took aim for his face but the glob levitated in midair. He used the force to drop it onto his cock, which had began to grow in size as he stroked himself.

You struggled under his weight, moving back and forth as the head of his cock bobbed up and down in front of your nose. “Well, since you're not jealous I think I'll send some of my troopers to go get the scavenger and send her here, where I can fuck her in _our_ bed. Won't that be fun? You can stand on the side and watch, since you're not jealous of her.”

A lump in your throat formed rapidly at his words. You didn't realize he had kept the woman on the base. He had also just disproved himself when he said she didn't exist earlier. “Oh, there's someone else isn't there love? A lieutenant perhaps?” He was now fully erect, he pressed down on his cock and smeared his precum all over your lips as your face turned red at the mention of the lieutenant. “I'll call her too, we can have a threesome, a menage a trois. Again, you can stand on the side. I'll give you my datapad to take photos for us, it shouldn't matter to you since you don't get jealous, right?”

You couldn't help but to stick out your tongue and taste his residual taste on your lips, it didn't help the ache between your legs that had started to form and it didn't help your conflicting feelings at all. Between his puffs of breath and stifled moans he leaned down, brought your face up a little further and stared at you. “I won't do it if you tell me how you really feel about me.” The hand stroking his cock stilled, he pushed it down again and rested it on your lips. “Or you can just show me how you feel.” You stared down your nose at the bulbous head as it filled with blood, it fit so nicely in his hand, you were growing too wet for comfort at the sight.

But you wouldn't do it. You were (definitely!) not jealous. Of course he could fuck those two other women in his own (yours too!) bed, he could do whatever he wanted. None of it mattered to you anymore. You shut your eyes and did the best you could to look away from him, you would not beg. “As you wish, love.” He leaned forward and grabbed his datapad from his bedside table, his cock pushed past your lips and you tasted him once more, you held back the urge to bite him. When he leaned back up straight his cock left your lips with a loud smack and you almost missed the warm and comforting intrusion.

“Alright, what was that lieutenants name? Lieutenant Jamie Masdov. Right.” His fingers brushed across the screen and tapped once, his smile growing all the more wider as his eyes peeked over the pad toward you. “What do you want me to say to her love? Should I say...” He exaggerated each key stroke as he spoke to you. “Dear Jamie. I would love for you to join me in my quarters right now for a night of wonderful love making. I _still_ remember your favorite position...”

Kylo Ren had hurt you many a times, but this time it hurt too much. You had to put an end to it some how.

 

–

Kylo didn't care one lick about the scavenger or the lieutenant. He had a one night stand with the lieutenant, gave her his virginity three years ago and she still wouldn't leave him alone. She was horrible in bed: fake orgasms and moans and the like, would NOT stop talking dirty to him when he wanted her to just shut up, gave a horrible hand job to begin with that left Kylo chafing and less hard than when she started, and then harassed him about why he didn't cum inside of her for days on end. Kylo wished he could have redone that night, not have been so desperate that he'd fuck a woman just because she had asked and was being obnoxiously flirty. She must have said something to the girl, otherwise how would she have known he'd fucked the lieutenant at all? He'd have to get revenge on her for upsetting his y/n one day.

As for the scavenger, he couldn't deny she had a great body and a pretty face. But why would he give up such an amazing woman like y/n to settle with a good looking woman he knew nothing about? He loved y/n, and should have really told her she had nothing to be jealous of like she said, but she was being stubborn. And if she wanted to be stubborn Kylo could be just as stubborn.

So he pretended to type the fake message to the lieutenant, then he pretended to type a message to the “guards” who were holding the scavenger girl hostage, all while reading them out loud to y/n. He could see in her face she was conflicted, could see right into her mind and know she was jealous of these two ladies, but he toyed with her anyway. He wanted to hear her say it, that she loved him and didn't want him to be with anyone else but her.

He didn't quite get that though. Instead while he he was typing he felt a warm, wet mouth on his cock, a pair of lips sliding their way up and then back down, a tongue teasing his head and the sensitive area right under it. He let out a moan and nearly dropped the tablet onto her face, it was obstructing his view so he lifted it up slightly to observe her. He could hardly believe he was watching the girl suck his cock the way she was. She was never one to initiate sexual contact, it was always him making her do this kind of thing. But here she was, squished under him with his cock almost brushing the back of her throat and her big sad puppy dog eyes locked with his.

He could see tears streaming down her face and she tried to move her arms but couldn't, so he sat up a bit so she could free herself. One of her arms flew to his thighs and clutched onto the fabric of his pants for dear life, the other flew up and snatched the datapad out of his hand and threw it across the room. Once she had tossed the datapad that hand went down to his pants and clutched it like her other hand had.

There were things Kylo could have said to her, he could have rubbed it in her face that he was right, further taunted her that she was jealous, he could have been as mean as he wanted to be. But he decided not to, the tears and remorseful look on the girls face was enough torture for her, he had decided. He he ran his fingers through her hair and just enjoyed the sensation, he loved the feeling of her mouth so much and would do anything to have her be comfortable with pleasuring him like this everyday.

Right before he was about to cum, however, he stopped her, pulling her head off of his member and looking down at her. Her mouth hung open and she strained against Kylo's hold to get his cock back into her mouth, chasing it like a dog almost. As she whimpered for him he could feel the appriciation she had for him, he could feel the love and adoration, the need and desire. Tonight was the night Kylo found out she needed him just as much as he needed her.

“What-what do you want, y/n?” He tried to hold back his tears but his hold was breaking. Yes, he had lived under the fantasy that this woman loved him. Even though she clearly did not, he decided it was easier to play off of her forced declarations of love and the way her body reacted to his. Actually being able to tell that it was real was something completely different, something that made his limbs feel like jelly and adrenaline pump rapidly through his body.

She looked up at him, her fingers relaxed against his thighs and she began rubbing him up and down, once again pulling her head forward to take his cock into her mouth but he pulled her back. “Y/n, tell me what you want from me, now!” He was craving her voice, craving her genuine admission of love, he'd do anything to hear it from her!

“I want you, Kylo.” She might as well have squeaked like a mouse but Kylo heard it. Heard all of it. He swung his leg over her and lifted her to sit in his lap as best as he could. He kissed her, enveloping her small mouth with his and forcing his tongue as far into her mouth as it would go. She fought back with hers, moaning into his mouth as his hands gripped the sides of her face. “You want me.” He said as he reached down in between them to rip her panties off. She stared at him wantonly. “I want you, I need you, I love you!” She ducked her head in his shoulder and began to sob once more as Kylo used his knees to open her legs and give him access to her.

He pushed in and nearly came as he did, tears fell down his own face as he moved in and out and the girl quickly found a rhythm with him. Kylo gripped the back of her night shirt as y/n thread her fingers through his hair. “Please be mine, only mine!” She sobbed over his shoulder. “No love, you're _mine._ I never wanted anyone but you.” He rutted into her and she moaned, a bubble blowing out of her mouth and popping against his neck.

He held his release until he could feel hers oncoming with the force, she was almost there. Together, they came as one. She threw her head back and moaned loudly, like she didn't care that there was a sleeping child in the next room. He bit down on his lower lip and came silently, too busy basking in her post orgasm glow. She milked his cock until he had pumped every drop of his seed inside of her, accepting it like the gift it was to her.

She clung to his neck, softly crying on his shoulder even after the sex was over. He held on to her just as tightly, he wished this moment would never end. “Please don't leave me Kylo. I don't want to be alone again.” Her body shook as his cock went soft inside of her, she clawed into his back like he was getting ready to leave for another six days as soon as she let go. “I'm not leaving you, love. I promise.”

When he opened his eyes the sun was rising, while he held her he watched the room light up. When she was ready to she moved to a more comfortable position to watch as well. He placed a kiss on top of her forehead and sighed, this was the start of a beautiful beginning for them.

 

–

Meanwhile, Rey had touched down back at her Resistance base. The first thing she did was seek out Eli's parents to tell them their son was alive. She had felt him through the force and could tell Kylo's force signature was attached to him, that only meant he was becoming attached to the child as well. His parents had felt like their small son had been dead for weeks after the First Order stopped sending them threats about the droid and the map. They were overjoyed hearing Eli was still alive, but felt like they needed him back now more than ever before Kylo seduced him to the darkside and they had lost their son forever-a fate even worse than death.

So everyone in the Resistance got together and formulated a plan to get one of their youngest members back. One that would involve very little fighting and even if it did, it was one they could fight their way out of easily.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I'm posting Wednesdays chapter really late/early, but I may be busy tomorrow. And by busy I mean I may be giving birth.   
> Will keep everyone updated though.


	17. Calculations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader learns a little bit about Eli just as soon as some sad plans are formulated.

You two laid in bed all morning long, switching positions that made you two happy whenever you felt like it. You barely said anything to each other, the most that came out of Kylo's mouth was “I'm sorry, I should not have played with you emotions like that.” To which you simply forgave him, then cuddled up closer. The sun had come completely up, you knew Eli would be up soon so you figured you should get up and get ready for him to start his day. When you tried to push your way up Kylo leaned on you, effectively locking you in place.

“Kylo, I have to go get Eli ready for the day.” You groaned. He still didn't let up, instead holding you closer to him now. Your hands rested on his knees and he gave you open mouthed kisses on your neck, making your body heat up deliciously. “Tell me about the lieutenant.” His sweet voice low in your ear made goosebumps rise on your skin. “I don't want to talk about the lieutenant.” You huffed then tried to pull your way up, only to be pulled back down to your original position between Kylo's knees.

“When I saw your jealous emotion I saw her face clear as day. What has she done to upset you?”

“First of all I'm not jealous.” He nibbled at your ear and softly giggled at you. “Secondly, she's just an ass. May I please get up now?”

“Not until you tell me what she's done to you.” With a heavy sigh you went on to explain everything the lieutenant did to make you angry each time you had seen her. Kylo hummed in response, thinking about what he should say to you next carefully. “Well, what she said about 'our clothing' definitely was not true. I made her stack her clothes neatly at the edge of the bed. I don't know why she thinks making you jealous will help her get closer to me, she's an awful sexual partner.” You giggled at him. “Oh?”

“Out of all the women I've had any type of sexual encounter with she was the worst. She chattered too much and evidently doesn't know how to handle a penis in her hand.”

“Why were you that desperate?” Kylo shrugged. “That's a great question that I have yet to answer myself.”

“I see.”

“I was thinking though...” He began drawing circles on your shoulder, then trailing his fingers up and down your arm like he always did. “Maybe, we can get revenge on her. I don't like that she treated you so poorly when she brought you my gifts.”

“What do you have in mind?” You tilted your head back to try and look at him. All he did was place a kiss on your forehead and say “you'll see.”

 

Kylo had stayed home from work that day to catch up on some rest and relaxation. While you and Eli played in his play house on the side Kylo stood to go pour himself a bottle of wine. You heard him walk into the kitchen and you heard him open the fridge. “Y/n! What is this?”

“What's what Kylo?” He came back out holding Eli's peanut butter and jelly sandwich from yesterday and taking a swing of his wine. Eli hung out of the window of his play house to see what Kylo was talking about as well. “Peanut butter and ants!” Kylo choked on his drink, moving to set it down on the counter next to him. “It's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with raisins in it, they look like ants so he called them 'peanut butter and ants.'”

“I see.” He stared at it, then back at you. “Do you want one?” Eli immediately shouted “no!” as if you were talking to him. “You don't want peanut butter and ants for lunch?”

“No, I want spaghetti!” You turned at looked at Kylo. “Is spaghetti for lunch alright with you?” Kylo gave you a puzzled look. “What is spaghetti?” He set the sandwich down next to his wine. “You've never eaten spaghetti before?” Eli jumped through the window of his play house and ran up to Kylo. “You never had spaghetti?” Kylo smiled down to Eli and simply shook his head. “No, can't say that I have.”

Eli marched over to you and looked at you with an alarmed look on his face. “Miss Y/n! We need to get Kylo Ren some spaghetti, now!” You laughed all the way to the kitchen, laughed as you cooked the sauce and the meat and veggies, laughed as you softened the pasta. Eli thought it was a real emergency that Kylo had never eaten spaghetti before, he was such a precious young soul.

You stopped laughing though when you heard the TV turn off and heard Kylo speaking softly. You listened hard, thinking he was saying something to you, but he wasn't. In fact, what he was saying was familiar to you. Something that you found yourself saying quite often. You could hardly believe what you were hearing so you peaked your head out of the kitchen to confirm what was actually going on.

On the couch you saw the back of Kylo's head, his fluffy black hair was concealing part of Eli's arm which he had around Kylo's neck as if he was giving him a hug. Eli was standing next to Kylo and looking down at something Kylo held in his hands, smiling as Kylo turned the page of Eli's favorite book. “And then Sally said to Sam: 'That's not fair! You have to share!' Sam held onto his red ball, he wanted to keep it away from Sally.” Another page turn. “Sally was angry. She did not know why Sam did not want to share his red ball with her. Sally had always been kind to Sam and always shared her toys with him.” This one just so happened to be Eli's favorite book because he had a red ball that he loved. When ever you would finish reading it to him he'd go and get it and hand it to you, saying he loves sharing his red ball.

Your heart swelled tremendously. Never in your life did you think you'd see big bad Kylo Ren reading a childrens book so delicately to a child. You had to tear yourself away, you had smelled the sauce burning in the pan and realized food would be ready soon.

As you fixed three plates of spaghetti Kylo entered the kitchen taking a huge whiff of your meal. “Smells amazing, love.” You scooped a small spoonful of the sauce and held it up to Kylo's lips. “Taste some, I added a secret ingredient that my mom used to add.” He opened his mouth and bit down onto the spoon, moaning in approval. “It's very sweet. Are you sure this is tomato sauce?” The red sauce that came from the First Order's kitchen was always very tomato-tasting, very earthy and plain. “It definitely is tomato sauce, I made it by hand and added some sugar.” He raised an eyebrow at you. “Is that healthy?” You shrugged your shoulders as you drizzled more sauce on top of your plate. “Not really, but it tastes real good right?”

“I guess.” His reply was very stale, you could tell he liked the sauce a lot.

“Hey, so I have a question for you.” You said as you handed Kylo a plate and a fork. “Do you think you could take Eli outside?” You weren't sure why you were so nervous about asking Kylo that question. Maybe it was because you had only ever left his quarters once and he had expressed to you subtly that you weren't ever going to leave.

“You want me to take him outside?”

“We had a conversation about snow the other day, he's never played in the snow before.” Kylo nodded his head as you smiled at him, you were really really hoping he'd take him to play in the snow after he had been so nice to you. Kylo turned and began to leave the kitchen and you felt your heart sink as he threw an “I'll think about it” at you. Oh well, you thought to yourself, maybe you'd try again tomorrow.

The spaghetti was eaten up quickly for lunch, Kylo even went back to get more. While you three were sitting at the table finishing up your lunch Kylo got a message on his datapad. He looked over it carefully, then his face lit up in shock. He stood abruptly, causing you and Eli to look up at him. “There's an emergency, I'll be right back.” As Kylo stepped toward the door you began to fear what was going on. He'd never looked so afraid, never been called to work for an “emergency” before in the middle of the day. “Okay, be safe please.” You called out to him as he grabbed his helmet and made his way out of the blaster doors.

 

–

Kylo entered the meeting room where he was met with the General and the rest of the First Order's crisis an negotiation team. His heart was hammering against his ribcage at the thought of him finally getting the piece of the map he needed to find Luke Skywalker. They briefed him, saying the Resistance had contacted them earlier that day ready to negotiate a swap for the boy and the map. They wanted to speak with the Order first though, and they thought it was best that they speak to the Commander instead of with the negotiations team, especially since the boy was being held with him.

Kylo agreed, taking a seat in front of the camera albeit nervously. He knew the girl would be crushed if this went well, if it was time to send Eli back home. But what could he do? He could either keep the boy or get the map-he had decided the map was more important to him than Eli was.

In the middle of the table that everyone was sitting around the projector blinked to life, showing a woman Kylo did not recognize standing and glowing blue. “Commander Kylo Ren, I am Ella Warran, chief of negotiations in the Resistance.”

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance.” Kylo said in response to her very cordial greeting. “Well, lets not dilly dally. We have something you want and you have something that you've stolen from us. We need to come to a conclusion on how we're going to swap off.” Under the table, Kylo was pumping his leg up and down, a sure sign that he was nervous. It all came down to this conversation, this is the conversation that will decide if Kylo gets the map or not.

“But before we decide on where we will meet and all that the child's parents are requesting an update on him. They want to see him and be sure he is alive so we know you're holding up your end of the bargain.” Kylo sat stunned, he didn't expect them to request to see the child. “That's not necessary. The child is alive and well, he's been learning and growing just as expected.” The chief was silent, her eyes darted to her left and then back at Kylo. “With all due respect, Commander Ren, we don't trust you enough to meet you and hand you the map. We need proof that the child is still in your possession.”

Kylo leaned back, thinking carefully over her words and calculating how this conversation could end in his favor. “Well if you can't trust me how am I supposed to trust you?” Silence once again, the woman kept looking to her left and then back at Kylo. “Let us see the child or the deal is negated.” She sounded firm, the look on her face was serious. Kylo still didn't feel the need to go and get the child when he knew the child was thriving with the girl and him. “I've told you no. If the deal is negated then I'll order his death and I'll get on with my life.” Kylo could, of course, never kill Eli. Just sitting with him on the couch that afternoon reading to him confirmed it. He didn't even know if he could enroll him in the trooper program. If he had to negate the deal, he'd probably just adopt him. He was confident he and y/n could successfully raise him as their own.

In the background he heard someone gasp and a woman scream. “Please don't let them kill my baby! Just do what he's asking, please! Don't let them kill my son!” The chief walked off camera to the left for a minute, then came back looking as confident as she was before. The frantic cries had ceased, and the hologram was quiet once more. “Fine. If you can assure us that the child is still alive then we can still offer you the map.”

“I assure you he is fine. Now, where are my troops going to meet you?”

“We will meet you at your base as soon as possible.” Kylo chuckled at her audacity. “That's not happening, chief. Did you really think I am that naive?” She huffed, not looking away from him. “There is no where else for us to meet, Commander.”

“We will meet on your base then.”

“Absolutely not! We will meet on your base or-”

“Or the child gets killed by my hand.” She cringed. “Commander, we will not give away where our base is. You are our enemy, you must understand that.”

“Of course I do. The only thing I want out of this situation is the map and for your child to go home safely.” Kylo realized that his statement was genuine, he wanted the map and he wanted to hand Eli safely to his parents because he cared a lot for the boy. He would miss him, he couldn't deny that.

“Neutral territory then. Tonight.” He thought to himself, having the map tonight would be good, but he recalled the request the girl had given him, Eli wanted to go outside and play in the snow. Kylo couldn't remember the last time he played in the snow. It was definitely when he was a child, but he could have probably counted on one hand how many times his mother let him actually play in snow. It was something Kylo could live through Eli, he wanted to see him happily playing in the snow.

“Neutral territory, seven days from now.” She snarled at him, offered once more to do the switch that night but Kylo refused, not budging on his offer for seven days. “I must train and prepare my troops for this, just in case things get ugly. Seven days.” Eventually, the chief gave in and agreed they'd meet seven days from now on a neutral planet. Kylo was pleased, with a nod of his head he pressed the button on the underside of the table and watched as the chief blinked out and disappeared.

“Start extra training ground units for this meeting. I want a fleet behind me just in case the trade off does not go well. I want long distance shooters on the mountains and I expect them to have every resistance member in their sights at all times.” Kylo stood and began to leave the room, the General stepped in front of him. “Excuse me Ren, where do you think you're going? You must oversee the preparations-”

Kylo brushed past him, pushing him with his shoulder and left the room. “I've got something more important to do.”

 

–

 

When Kylo made it back home after his six day hiatus, you had started something new with Eli. He missed sleeping next to you at night and you kind of missed it as well. There was something so special about waking up next to your child and having them cuddle up next to you in the middle of the night. Eli wasn't your child, of course, but the idea was the same.

You knew Kylo would never let Eli sleep in between you two, Kylo required too much contact before and while your slept. A smaller body in between you and him would just frustrate him and you didn't want to see Kylo throwing Eli out of the room in frustration.

So you and Eli came up with a plan. Every morning Kylo left for work early, sometimes the sun wasn't even out. So every morning you'd wake up at the same time he did, listen carefully for when the blaster doors opened and closed, then go and fetch Eli off the couch and sleep the rest of the morning away. By the third day Eli had trained himself to wake up and run to the bedroom when he heard Kylo leave.

Another new trend in your household was making up Kylo food to take with him to work. The day you made the spaghetti there were left overs and Kylo asked if he could take them to work with him because he thought it was delicious. So after that you always made him a sandwich, or some cookies, or something else easy for him to take.

You had realized that everyone in your household were becoming like a family. Kylo hadn't really taken on a fatherly role like you had taken on a motherly role, per se. But you could tell he cared about the boy, cared about his wellbeing and about his safety. You had taken on a house wife role (which you didn't mind because you were never allowed to leave), cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kid. You actually enjoyed it. It sure beat sitting in bed naked waiting for Kylo to come home to rape and brutalize you.

You knew you'd miss it when Eli had to be taken back home.

 

Sometime later you found yourself touching up the drawing you did for Kylo, adding details to the palm trees and the beach and what not. You still decided not to give her a face, you didn't know what she looked like and you didn't want to draw her incorrectly. You didn't even really want to be working on the drawing, but you had nothing else to do and you were very disappointed in yourself that you had done such a shitty drawing so you wanted to correct yourself.

Unbeknownst to you, Eli had woken up from his nap and had silently crawled his way up behind you. He had been watching you draw for ten minutes and the only thing that brought your attention to him was the soft suckling noises he emitted when he sucked his two fingers. You turned around and acknowledged him, asking him what he was doing up and standing right behind you. He shrugged, then around his fingers said “Watching you draw.”

You lifted him into your lap and continued drawing, realizing that it calmed him to just observe you. Ten minutes in Eli broke the silence, asking you a very strange question about your drawing. “Why are you drawing Rey?”

“What's that dude?”

“Why are you drawing a picture of Rey?” The first time he said “Rey” you didn't quite recognize the name as with his lisp he said “Way” instead of “Rey.”

“Who is Rey?” He settled himself down further in your arms and ran his clean fingers over your drawing. “She's my friend. When mommy and daddy went out she watched me.” If Eli was telling the truth, you were amazed. “How do you know that that's Rey, Eli?” He ran his pointer finger over her clothing and poked each one of her buns in her hair. “That's how she wears her hair! Those are the clothes that she wears too!” You were impressed that such a young child could recognize someone he knew just by seeing a drawing of their clothes and hair. You wondered if you drew someone like Kylo or yourself he'd recognize you and him as well.

“Aren't you going to draw her face?” You chuckled a bit, then set the pencil down. “I would, but I don't know what Rey looks like. Kylo Ren asked me to draw this picture.”

“Kylo Ren knows Rey?”

“I guess he does, dude.” Eli was silent for a second, then ended the conversation by sticking his fingers back into his mouth and uttering “cool” around them.

 

–

 

Today was the day. The day before Eli would be flown back to the resistance. The day before Kylo got his half of the map back. But, today was the day he'd take both the girl and Eli outside. He hadn't told her that Eli would be going home the next day, that just had bad news for him written all over it. He'd tell her tonight, after Eli goes to sleep. He could have all of his stuff packed up and away afterword as well since Eli could sleep through a nuclear fallout, then they'd both break it to him together the next morning when he was boarding his ship to his parents. His plan was flawless.

He awoke that morning energized and excited, he showered and quickly dressed, gave the girl a kiss on the cheek, then left for work. It wouldn't even be a full day, he'd probably leave around 2 or so after overseeing the preparations for the exchange the next day. He was happy, and he was ready to see both y/n and Eli be happy as well.

Kylo was so distracted by his thoughts that morning that he forgot to grab his datapad from his bedside table. He didn't even notice it until he got to his office and went to go through prep work that was sent to him. He cursed to himself, before such an inconvenience would irritate him to no end and would have probably ruined his day. For he had to walk all the way back, grab the tablet, then walk back to work only be to pestered by Hux for making a simple mistake. However, he was much more calm about the issue, even finding comfort in the fact that he'd get to see the girl once more before disappearing for hours.

So he made his way back to his quarters, opened the doors and stepped in. Something felt quite off to him, he couldn't put his finger on what it was though. He surveyed his surroundings: Kitchen clean, dining room clean, living room a mess of toys and books (but he had grown to ignore it). Everything was normal. He took a few steps toward the couch and found that Eli was missing. His heartbeat picked up as he took another look around his living room to see if he had hidden himself. He wasn't hiding under the table, or in any of the corners.

He checked his grand fathers shrine, he wasn't in there either. Funnily enough, his grandfather's helmet wasn't there either. It was still sitting in two pieces on the floor from when the girl had kicked it. It just wasn't in Kylo's best interest at the moment to fix it, he didn't feel like taking the time to fix it when he had y/n and Eli to look after and spend time with.

He reasoned with himself that if Eli was not in the shrine room and he was not in the living room he must have been in the bathroom. So he made his way to his bedroom to collect his tablet and be back on his way to work.

When he opened the bedroom door he took a peek at the bathroom, the door was closed and the light was off-Eli was not in there. Kylo took a look at the bed and saw the girl and immediately ran to confront her about where Eli had gone. He was prepared to punish her, to unleash his fury on her if he found out she let the boy get out some how some way. He had told her that if he didn't get want he wanted because she messed something up he'd have her head-even she wasn't immune to the hell he'd raise if he didn't get his part of the map.

He got within a foot of the bed and stopped dead in his tracks, yes, y/n was clearly there. She had the covers pulled up over her chest and she was sleeping peacefully on her back. Her left hand rested on her belly and in her right hand sat a tuft of blonde hair. He leaned over to get a better look, the boy was clinging closely to her, his arm wrapped around her chest and his head resting on her shoulder. Her fingers were curling into his hair, as if she had been stroking it right before she fell asleep.

The sight yanked painfully at Kylo's heart strings.

He fought back the lump in his throat as he looked at her, he couldn't help but see her as a mother. A mother Kylo never really had. He had no memories of cuddling up to his mother before going to sleep, no memories of her stroking his hair, no memories of him sleeping on top of her. The girl was so kind and caring, so much so Eli felt comfortable in her embrace as he slept. Something he probably did with his own mother and father as well.

Kylo couldn't help but to imagine that Eli was someone else. Same age, darker hair, bigger lips, and darker eyes. He couldn't help but to imagine his own child-their own child in the girls arms instead of him. A child that wouldn't be afraid of Kylo, for Kylo would be there on day one to prove to someone-anyone- that he would be a great, loving, caring father. The father that he never had.

Kylo reached out to brush a tuft of hair out of Eli's face, he realized his hair had grown in the time he lived with them, it was almost the same length as Kylo's. Eli stirred, lifting his chin and pressing his face into the girls shoulder even more. That's when Kylo decided to leave, he didn't want to ruin this sweet moment between the two. As he turned and left the bedroom he took one last look at the family he so desperately wanted, wishing he had a camera to capture that moment forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> False alarm. No baby today. Enjoy another chapter.


	18. Meeting Goals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to say goodbye, but hello to new opportunities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've hidden an Adam Driver ( actor that plays Kylo Ren) reference to an interview he did in this chapter. It's really silly, when you find it shout it out lol.

“Hold still, dude! The more you move the less time we can spend outside.” You couldn't believe Kylo was actually granting you your wish to take Eli outside. It was even more unbelievable that he invited you outside with them. Eli was over the moon, as soon as Kylo brought home his jacket and snow boots he ran to the window to plan on what he was going to do and where he was going to do it. Kylo hadn't added anything new to his clothing, which you thought was strange. If that's what he wore during a regular day on the base wouldn't he get hot? It was a useless thing to think about, the only thing you wanted to think about was how much fun you and Eli were about to have playing in the snow.

 

You and Kylo walked side by side down the halls while Eli ran up ahead of you, often turning around to ask where to go next because he didn't recognize the hallways either. “Eli, how about you slow down and walk with us, we can show you the way.” You held your hand out to him wanting him to grab it and walk with you, for some reason you were nervous about him having this much free roam of the base, you didn't like him to be so far away from you. He stopped running, turned to look at you, then shrugged his shoulders and said “Nah.” You shook your head, you reasoned with yourself that if you were in his shoes you'd be excited too. Besides, Kylo was there with you. If anything or anyone would put Eli in harms way Kylo would be there to save him instantly.

“I carried you through these corridors when I transferred you to this base. All the way from here to my quarters.” Under your winter coat you felt your skin crawl, you wished Kylo wouldn't have turned this into a walk down memory lane for him. You decided not to reply, focusing solely on the fact that you'd be going outside for the first time in _months._ And you weren't just sharing this experience alone either, you were sharing it with Eli who had gone through almost the same thing as you!

You two had made it to the main entrance for the base, Eli made a beeline for the front doors but you caught him, squatting down and adjusting and tightening his hat, zipping his jacket all the way up, and adjusting his mittens. “Remember what we talked about, Eli. You stay where Kylo Ren and I can see you, don't go running off, when we tell you to stop you stop. Okay?” He almost violently nodded his head at you and started to turn to run toward the door. “Hey! I mean it, hold my hand Eli.” You had basically repeated what Kylo had told you before you left the house. He helped you put on your jacket all the while whispering “Do not try to escape, stay where I can see you, and when I tell you to stop and to come in do not argue.”

 

–

Kylo stood back while the girl held Eli's hand and walked toward the door. Eli was speechless, staring at the snowy landscape in absolute awe. She had her hand on the door but stopped, taking another reassuring look at him. She looked nervous, like she was afraid of the outdoors. Kylo insisted, this would be the last fun moment all three of them would get to have together and he wanted to make it good.

With a nod of his head Kylo gave the girl his blessing to open the door. He knew he held the reins on both of them, if he even suspected either of them were trying to run all he'd have to do is freeze them in place, then punish them accordingly. Kylo was sure that he wouldn't have to do that though, the girl was sincere enough in her request and more than likely had no plan of escape. She would be okay.

The girl pushed the door open slowly, stopping in the middle of the door to look and feel. He saw her pick her head up and look around, looking up and then looking down at the snow. He stepped closer and placed his gloved hand reassuringly on her shoulder blade, he didn't push her but she stepped forward anyway. Soon, all three of them were standing outside in the snow, y/n and Eli were both silent in their observations of their surroundings. They each took turns looking up and down, side to side.

Eli broke the silence first. He bent down and picked up as much snow as he could in his black mittens and threw it up in the air above him while shouting the word “Snow!” This brought the girl out of her trance as well, turning and squatting down to look at him. “Miss y/n! Look! There's snow!” He ran off into the distance, tripping and falling into a snow bank. The girl ran after him, digging through the snow and lifting him out. The boy was all smiles and giggles, nodding his head yes when she asked him if he was okay. She set him back down and he ran, this time toward Kylo and flopped down once more. He laughed and laughed, causing the girl to laugh at him as well. Kylo chuckled at the scene, he couldn't help himself.

Kylo took a seat at the bench right outside of the doors and observed the two play. He had learned a lot about snow related activities by listening to their dialogue: “Miss y/n! Is this how you make a snow Angel?”, “I just hit you with my snow ball!”, “No, Eli, you want to make a big enough fort so you can fit behind it, so I can't see you.” These were all things he was unaware of, he envied them. He wanted to join them in the fun but he feared what other people would think of him. The big and bad Jedi Killer laying in the snow moving his limbs up and down to make a giant _snow angel._ It made his skin crawl.

He wondered if there was anyway he could get them an inner tube so they could slide down the various slopes that surrounded them. That was one of the only memories he had playing in the snow as a child. That was a lot of fun, and he smiled at the fond memories. However, tied to those memories was a not so fond memory. Chad, a boy that lived a few neighborhoods down owned a sled-or was it a toboggan? Kylo couldn't remember. The only thing he could remember was the child going out of his way to run into him on his inner tube, causing it to pop. He went crying to his mother about how mean the child had been, but his mother would do nothing about the incident, saying other children would be mean and he should learn to defend himself.

Kylo would later defend himself as Chad was enrolled at his uncles Jedi academy. He made sure his skull was easily identifiable when he destroyed everyone in the academy.

 

He sat watching the two play for hours, so much so the sun and began to set. He didn't want it to end, he had so much fun just watching them play and have fun with each other, but they were all going to need to sleep soon since they had to be up early in the morning. So when the girl took another look over at Kylo, he motioned with his fingers to say it was time to come in. She nodded in approval and went to retrieve Eli from their igloo, destroying a little bit of it as she lifted him out.

“It's time to go back inside, dude.” In her arms, he twisted to try and look at the igloo. “Oh man! Can't we stay for just a bit longer?”

“Afraid not, Kylo just said it's time.” Eli turned to look at her again, this time with a saddened look on her face. “Can we come back tomorrow? I wanna play in my igloo some more.” She smiled at him, he smiled back at her as she pushed some snow out of his hair. “Maybe. But for now-” She set him down and grabbed his hand to began leading him toward the door. “-Let's get inside and get warmed up again.”

The image of them smiling at each other in the snow would forever be burned in Kylo's mind. The way Eli's hands rested on y/n's shoulders, how her hair covered his hands as well, the content smile on her face, and the excitement and gratitude on his. Every time he thought back to the image he did not see Eli, he saw his own child in a loving embrace with his mother. Even as they walked next to each other on their way back to Kylo's quarters he imagined his own child walking next to their mother talking about taking a warm bath and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. The scene was just too perfect.

Eli had convinced Kylo that he wanted a family of his own with Y/n.

 

–

“Her name is Rey, by the way.” You said as you dropped the sketch book next to Kylo on the bed. He looked up at you from his tablet then down at the book. “What are you talking about?”

“The girl, in your drawing? Her name is Rey.” You sat down next to him and flipped to the drawing you were referring to. Kylo stared at it, then back up at you. “How do you know that?” You smiled at him, shrugging your shoulders in the process. “Lucky guess.” You closed the sketchbook and then moved to place it atop your dresser. “Will you ever give me my portrait back, or should I draw another one?”

“I think you should draw another one.” He got up from the bed and grabbed you by the hands, leading you back to the bed and pushing you onto it. “And anther one.” He kissed your cheek, continually saying “and another one” each time he did. He now leaned on top of you and you were both giggling at each other. You grabbed his cheeks and ran your thumbs under his eyes as he came down and kissed your lips softly.

“I have something to tell you, y/n.”

“What's up?” His face fell flat, he looked extremely upset all of the sudden. “What's wrong?” You swung your arms around his neck and kissed him on his (in Eli's words: big) nose. “You're beautiful.” He kissed you down your cheek and to your neck. “You're wonderful.” He then rested his face in the crook of your neck, something was dangerously wrong and you began to worry. “I love you, y/n. I hope that you know that.”

“I-I do. What's the matter Kylo?” He lifted his head and looked deep into your eyes, it looked like he was about to cry. You couldn't imagine what he was about to tell you, was he going to have to kill you? Was he sending you back to Larkin? Or worst of all, was he having to kill Eli? “Kylo?” You whimpered to him wishing he'd just spit it out, whatever he was trying to say. With a huff and heavy sigh he finally said it: “Eli is going home tomorrow morning.”

 

You cried. You couldn't stop the tears at first. Couldn't stop your fists from colliding with Kylo's chest as he tried to comfort you. You had stopped sobbing for long enough to listen to Kylo as he told you the plan had been set in motion for a week now, that him and Eli were going to board his command shuttle first thing in the morning to take him back to his parents so Kylo could retrieve the map.

“Why didn't you tell me a week ago? Why did you wait until now? Kylo?! Why?” He rubbed your hair and shushed you. “I-I didn't want to upset you. I'm sorry.” That statement made absolutely no sense to you. You'd be just as upset as you were now, maybe even a little less if he had told you a week ago. You bawled, suppressing your screams as to not wake Eli up. You couldn't say that you were angry at Kylo, really. You knew the day would come when Eli would be taken back to the resistance, you couldn't keep him forever.

He was like your own son, you had grown to love the boy so much and it was so painful that you'd have to say goodbye tomorrow morning. Eli went to bed not knowing today would be the last day he'd be spending with you two, it just shattered your heart.

You couldn't stand hearing Kylo's excuses, so you locked yourself into the bathroom. You knew that Kylo could force the locks open if he wanted to chase you but you didn't care, you needed some time by yourself to process what life would be like starting tomorrow onward. Your sobs quieted down as you logically thought yourself through your crisis, it was just time to say goodbye, there was no other way around it.

Kylo's face during the entire thing caused your tears to roll steadily again. He was just as upset about Eli leaving as you were. You were instantly happy you were not the only on so emotionally attached to Eli in this household. You knew Kylo would help you through this, you knew you would have to help him through it as well. There was no escaping it.

Thus you composed yourself and decided to stop hiding from Kylo, exiting the bathroom and entering the bed where he sat already trying to sleep. You shed your clothing and slipped on your nightgown and got comfy up against Kylo, craving his touch and acceptance for comfort. You got just that. As you shimmied your way up his body you rested your head on his shoulder and he curled his arms around you. With a sigh, you apologized for your outburst, feeling embarrassed by what you had put him through. He sighed and placed a kiss in your hair, then snuggled back down comfortably. “It's alright love. Just try and get some rest.”

You found yourself spilling tears all night long, you could get no sleep knowing what was coming in the next few hours. Little did you know Kylo was going through the same thing, crying for a different reason.

 

You were sure you didn't even close your eyes all night long. When Kylo's alarm went off at 5:30 in the morning you simply looked over at him. At the nod of his head, the silent good morning greeting, you sighed and rolled over.

Sitting up on the bed you watched as Kylo got dressed and got ready, neither of you said anything until there was a knock at the door. “Those are the movers.” You raised a brow at him. “Movers?”

“They're going to pack his toys and take them to the shuttle.” Your heart sunk just a bit, you wouldn't be stepping over his toys anymore, wouldn't be hurting yourself on his sharp blocks anymore. “Go talk to him. He'll be awake soon.” You lifted your eyes from your lap to Kylo, sighed heavily and then got up to go to the living room. Before you reached the door, however, Kylo stopped you.

“Wait, Y/n?” You turned and looked at him. “Will, will you please come with me, to the Command Shuttle?” His voice cracked and your heart fell further out of your chest. You walked over to him and held him, giving him a big long hug as you nodded your head on his chest. So you dressed, Kylo didn't help you this time as he did the first time you left his quarters, so you were stuck with going out in a plain black dress.

Then you confronted Eli, who was standing outside of your bedroom door about to knock. “Miss y/n! There's stormtroopers taking away my toys!” You felt a tear fall down your cheek as you bent down to explain to him what was going on.

To your delight, Eli was exited. Instead of explaining it to him as “you're leaving us,” you explained it to him as “you're going back home.” He was excited, jumping up and down while you dressed him to get ready to go and nonstop talking about seeing his mommy and daddy and his friends all over again. You were happy for him, so you held back even more tears.

Kylo held Eli in his lap in the bed and played on the tablet with him, you sat at the end touching up past sketches and busying your mind with what you were going to draw next while the movers finished packing up all of Eli's things. Once they were done they entered the bedroom and affirmed that it was time to go. Eli hopped up out of Kylo's lap and grabbed your hand, pulling you toward the door excitedly. “Come in, Miss y/n! We have to go see my mommy and daddy and friends now!” You smiled at his enthusiasm, turning and looking back at Kylo to see him grabbing his helmet off its stand (minus the ashes that were thrown at you.) and placing it on his head.

Eli led you out the door and down the halls, following the stormtroopers lead. He never stopped jabbering about his home, his friends, and his parents. You had tuned him out, instead focusing on moving your feet one step in front of the other. Kylo more than likely sensed your discomfort as he placed one of his arms around your shoulder. You looked up at him, he was looking away from you and Eli. “Just to the shuttle, right?” Through the modulator, you heard him sigh. Then he answered: “Just to the shuttle.”

You made it to the hangar, holding Eli's hand tight you walked him up the ramp to into the command shuttle and led him back to Kylo's quarters. You placed him on the bed and Kylo followed you in, standing by the door and watching you intently. “Alright buddy. This is where I have to say goodbye.” Eli's face went from bright and happy to dark and unsure. “You're not coming with me?”

“No buddy, I can't. I'm sorry.” He started to cry, you quickly scooped his chubby cheeks into your hands and started shushing him. “Eli, remember: You get to see mommy and daddy, and Finn and Rey and all of your other friends. I know you'll miss me but you'll have your-” You gulped the lump in your throat down. “-your _family._ ” The word hurt you, you hadn't had a family-never had a family. Eli was an incredibly lucky young man, you just wanted him to be happy and you knew he'd be happier away from you and Kylo, he'd be happier with his family.

He swung his arms around your neck and cried into your shoulder, you rubbed his hair and silently cried as well. He begged you, pleaded with you to stay with him, the only thing you could say it him was “I know, Eli. I know.” You felt like you could have sat there for days holding onto him, you legitimately felt like he was your child being torn from your arms at that point and it was so painful. Eventually, a stormtrooper knocked on Kylo's door to let him know they would be taking off in five minutes. You took that as your cue to leave.

You pried his arms from around your neck and placed him on the bed, you didn't even turn around and look back at him as you made a beeline for the door. Behind you, you could hear Eli scream and could hear his little feet scurrying after you. You had to get away, you couldn't take the turmoil any longer.

Unfortunately for you, just as you reached the door Kylo grasped your arm, causing Eli to run into your backside and almost fall to the ground. He hugged your legs tightly as you looked up at Kylo confused. He didn't even look at you, just whispered to you something you barely heard over Eli's shrieks.

“Stay.”

 

You obliged Kylo, knowing he wanted you to stay for the emotional support. Somehow, all three of you managed to comfortably squeeze into the small bed in his bunker, Kylo was propped up against the wall and you were propped up on the pillows with Eli laying on your chest in your lap. He was sucking his two fingers and facing Kylo. Kylo had offered Eli his tablet when the shuttle first took off, but Eli didn't want it. He just wanted the comfort of your body and embrace and the comfort of his fingers. Instead, he took to playing with the sleeve of Kylo's shirt next to him. Kylo didn't seem to mind, however. It seemed as though he was trying to sleep. You couldn't tell with his helmet on.

 

The entire ride none of you spoke, Eli's happiness had since disappeared when he learned you would have to leave him, he had grown so attached to you you figured it would be painful for him to lose you as well. You just prayed he was going back home to a good home, not a home like what you had: a practical mud hut with next to no food and water, no toys, no books, next to no love. If that were the case you'd happily keep Eli with you and Kylo, if Kylo were to allow it.

You felt the shuttle come to a halt and then drop slowly downward until you were completely stationary. Eli picked his head up and looked toward the door. “Are we here?” You shot a look at Kylo who had just began to sit up as well. “Seems like it, Eli.” With a heavy sigh you leaned up and held Eli in your lap, looking at Kylo for instructions on what to do next. “My mommy and daddy are outside now?”

“We don't know yet, Eli.” You didn't mean for that to sound as sharp and irritated as it did, you were on edge and you were sure Kylo and Eli were as well. Kylo instructed you to stay put and to keep Eli quiet, that he would be back to retrieve you and the boy when needed.

So that's what you did, you and Eli stayed quiet in the bunker for about an hour. He played with your hair, your dress straps, you even took to making silly faces at each other like you would do on Star Killer Base. He told you about his parents, how he was so excited to tell him about the wonderful time he got to spend with you. He even asked when you would come to visit him. You smiled and shrugged, giving him a generic “we'll have to see” as a response. You couldn't promise to him that you would visit him because you knew Kylo would never let you leave.

Eventually, Kylo came back for you two. This was officially it, you were going to drop Eli off in the hands of his parents where he belonged and you were going to leave. You stood and walked over to Kylo with Eli tight in your arms. “Stay at the bottom of the ramp, do not put him down until I tell you to. Keep him under control.” You nodded, he gripped your arm and held you painfully. “Am I understood, y/n?” Kylo was stressed, he was only ever rough with you when he was stressed. “Yes, Kylo.” He nodded his head at you. “Good. Lets go.”

Eli's grip on your tightened, even he could tell Kylo was on edge. “I'm scared.” He whispered in your ear. You began to follow Kylo to the shuttles front end, telling Eli to be brave, telling him you would never let anything bad happen to him. He hugged you with his arms and legs, whimpering louder with every step that you took.

The planet was desert like, the sun wasn't out. The only thing that illuminated the encounter was the lights from the command shuttle and some torches surrounding another group of people. Behind Kylo stood a fleet of storm troopers with their weapons ready to fire. In front of him stood a woman with a blonde bob and an all black outfit, she could have been part of the First Order for all you knew, but from the way she was looking at you and Eli you knew she wasn't. Behind her stood two extremely distressed individuals whom you just knew were Eli's parents. The man had the same hair color as Eli, the woman had much darker brown hair. Behind them stood an entire fleet of Resistance fighters with their blasters ready to fire as well.

The two people looked up at you, their looks of distress turned into shock almost immediately. “She has my baby! There's my baby!” The woman shouted nearly at the top of her lungs. “Mommy!” Eli began to wiggle his way out of your grasp, you held on tighter remembering what Kylo had told you earlier. “Eli, be still, you can't see them yet.” He started to thrash, kicking you and punching you so much so you really thought you'd drop him and end up hurting him. “I want my mommy! I want my daddy!” He started to cry, capturing the attention of Kylo and the woman he was talking to. “Eli, we're right here baby! Be calm, you'll be back home soon.” His mother called out to him, causing Eli to suddenly sit so still on your hip. “It's okay, Eli. If you just sit still you'll get to see them again soon.” He nodded his head, then leaned back into you.

Words were exchanged in front of you, and with his parents approval the woman handed Kylo a small data chip. He examined the chip closely, then turned around and gave you the signal to put Eli down. “Alright Eli, this is it. Go run and see mommy and daddy.” You set him down and Eli didn't think twice about running right to his parents.

You watched as he ran right into their arms. His father picking him up and holding him close, his mother hugging both of them at the same time. You could hear them all conversing, repeating the phases “we missed you” and “we love you, so much” to Eli over and over again. You felt the tears free falling down your face once more, realized that it didn't matter what Eli had at home for him. Eli had two loving parents, you could tell they would do anything for him. Besides, all of his toys and clothes came with him as well. Eli would be just fine without you and Kylo.

Kylo shook hands with the woman and turned to make his way up the ramp, you took that as your cue to walk up as well. “Wait!” Eli's voice shouted over the sound of the engines coming to life. “Miss Y/n! Wait!” You turned to see Eli running toward you once more, his mother taking two steps after him but then giving up when she realized she's be running toward Kylo. Eli took a hold of your hand and began yanking you back. “Miss Y/n, will you come meet my mommy and daddy?”

You looked at his face, full of curiosity and need. You really didn't want to, you knew Kylo more than likely didn't want you to either. You still looked at him for approval, it didn't seem like Eli would let you go without saying his to his mother and father. Kylo studied you, then studied the boy, then nodded his head once. Eli smiled big at him, then began pulling you down the ramp toward his parents. You were shocked that Kylo had said yes, you would have thought Kylo was ready to roll out with his part of the map. But no, he allowed you one more small interaction with the boy you and him had both come to love so much.

So down the ramp and across the field you went, past the lady Kylo was conversing with and right to his parents. They looked like they were afraid of you, afraid that their son was so close to you. “Mommy, daddy, this is my friend Miss Y/n!” Eli was so happy and cheerful as he introduced you, his parents seemed to latch onto that and relax just a tad. You smiled at them, held your hand out to shake both of theirs. “Pleasure to meet you, finally.” You giggled nervously, even though they seemed very well put together you still felt like they were judging you, you were ashamed.

Then his mother broke down crying, pulling you into a tight hug and bawling on your shoulder. You awkwardly placed your hands on her back, you didn't know how to react with Kylo's eyes glued to your back. You didn't want him to think you were running away or being kidnapped, you didn't want him to over react and kill everyone on this field. So you stood still, held her as she cried and praised you for taking such good care of her son.

“She was like my mommy when you weren't there, and Kylo Ren was kinda like my daddy when daddy wasn't there. Miss Y/n played with me, and let me draw, and let me play paper airplanes, and she gave me peanut butter and ants!” His parents both gasped at the last part of his sentence, to which you calmly reassured them what “peanut butter and ants” really meant. “And all of those toys are sitting right over there for him, we had no use for them so they are his to keep.” Eli jumped up and down at the mention of his toys.

His father shook your hand once more. “Well thank you again, Miss y/n, for everything that you've done for us.” He pulled you into a huge and you softly accepted it. “Do you need any help getting out of the Order?” He whispered in your ear. You pulled away, staring at him in horror and disbelief. “Um...I-” He looked concerned for you, his eyes were pleading for an answer. You were stuck, mostly because you didn't even know the truth for yourself. Before your only options were to go back home or stay with Kylo. Now, thrust rapidly in front of you was a third option: go within the hands of the First Order's Enemy. It didn't sound like a smart idea, you knew if you left Kylo would find you. He'd be even more furious if he found you hiding within the Resistance.

You were still conflicted on whether or not you enjoyed living with Kylo, but you knew you could not make the split second decision here. Kylo might be listening in, and you didn't want to endure another beating once you made it back home. So you hastily shook your head no, gave Eli a pat on the head, and ran back to the shuttle. Once you made it back to Kylo Ren's side you turned and took one last look at Eli and his family, feeling absolutely awful that your last interaction was so rushed by your own fear. You didn't even properly get to say goodbye to Eli, you were crushed.

You sat on the bed next to Kylo, sobbing at the fact you didn't say goodbye. You felt like you had just lost your own son forever, any pain that you had felt earlier about the subject had nothing on the empty feeling you had now.

Kylo rubbed your back and played with your hair, he showed absolutely no emotion through this entire meeting. You wanted the contact, you really did but you just couldn't convince yourself that you wanted it enough that you would get it from him-for all you knew he was all smiles and giggles under that fucking helmet because he got his piece of the map. Grieving on your own was something you'd rather do at the moment anyway.

At some point, though, Kylo decided he didn't want you to grieve alone. He grabbed your chin and took a good long look at you. “It's okay to be upset.” He reassured you, to which you just nodded. “I will miss him too.” He ran his arm around your shoulder and pulled you further into him, to which you sobbed a lot harder. “I can go back and get him if you want, he can be ours.” You thought for a moment at what he was saying, Kylo just willingly admitted that he was okay with kidnapping Eli again, this time for your own selfish reasons. “N-No. Don't do that. Eli is happy, he has his family and his-” You gulped at this last word, knowing it would cause you a lot of pain to admit. “-His freedom.”

Kylo stared at you, then nodded his head. He lifted his arm and grabbed your head, pulled you close so you could rest it on his shoulder. You finally gave into his compassion, and at the moment he wasn't angry at you for considering leaving with Eli's parents, if he had even heard you. So you collapsed into his shoulder and cried almost all the way back home.

 

–

 

As bad as Kylo wanted to show emotion of losing Eli, he had too much to be happy over. He had finally got his piece of the map and he had a solid plan to explain to the girl that he was ready to start a family with her. He knew that deep down she'd be happy as well, just look at how she reacted when the child was pulled from their home. Look at how happy she was playing in the snow with him. He learned that children made her happy, and to him she was ready to be a mother.

He escorted her back to his quarters where she sat on the couch and watched TV like a vegetable. He could tell she was still feeling down and would more than likely not feel like having a conversation with him about their future children. He didn't even know if she wanted him around. As she made herself comfortable, stretching her legs out as much as she could on the couch and cuddling her face into the blanket, Kylo took it upon himself to step in front of her. She looked up at him, her eyes cold and careless. “Do you want to be left alone?” She was silent for a moment, Kylo could see the tears welling up in her eyes once more as she sat where Eli had spent many nights in their custody. She nodded her head, burying her face in the blanket. “I need a nap” was all she said to him, which he respected. He simply gathered up another blanket and gently placed it over her, then left to go start preparations to see the map.

 

He had a fleet of storm troopers ready to head out as soon as they decoded and figured out where his uncle was. He had all of the weapons at their disposal checked and rechecked. He had his data analyst team awake and ready to decode the map if it needed and had his hacker team ready to hack the device in case the Resistance coded it up special way so it wouldn't open up. He was ready to look at the map, but not without having the conversation with the girl first.

All of his errands took about two hours to complete, he thought that was plenty of time for the girl to have rested up for his conversation. So he made his way back to his quarters, prepared to sit the girl down and talk with her about his plans for their future.

All of that changed when he entered his quarters and found the girl sitting on the ground clutching something in her hands and legs. Her forehead sat near where her knees were and her ankles were crossed, when she heard the doors opened she looked up at Kylo. He could tell she had been crying again as she clutched one of Eli's favorite toys: his red ball.

“Come, love.” He motioned his fingers as she stood. “Let's have a shower.”

 

In the shower no one said anything, the girl kept rubbing her eyes and he imagined the heat was irritating them after spending the majority of the day crying. She stared at a fixed point on Kylo's chest the entire time she washed, did not look up or down. Not even when she passed the soap and cloth to him. He watched as she stood idly playing with her hair, she seemed like a ghost, so transparent and not peppy and happy like he wanted her to be.

He thought it was best to just say it, if not now then never. So he took in a deep breath, stopped rinsing the conditioner out of his hair, and said his proposal:

“I think we should start a family.”

She looked up at him, the look on her face unchanging. Her fingers ceased playing in her hair, then her eyes rolled into the back of her head and he watched in horror as she passed out right in front of him. Luckily enough he managed to catch her before she hit the ground, but holding onto her in the slippery water was a challenge. With a huff, he decided this would be another uphill battle that he was determined to win.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who is still pregnant?


	19. Ciao

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge sex anyone?

You came to sitting on the bed. The room was extremely cold, but you realized it was probably because you were soaking wet still from the shower.

The shower, that's all you could remember was the shower. You were showering with Kylo peacefully, albeit a little upset because you had found Eli's favorite toy sitting between the wall and the couch, causing you to sit in on the living room floor and cry for nearly two hours. Kylo had asked you to shower and, even though you didn't really want to at the moment, it wasn't worth the argument so you obliged. Then you showered, silently-wait. Not so silently. Kylo had asked you a question, no! It wasn't even a question. It was a statement, a declaration.

_I think we should start a family._

You felt sick to your stomach at the memory. The way he phrased it was what made you lose it. He explicitly said _he_ thought you two should start a family. That phrase screamed authority, he didn't care if you wanted to start a family or not, he was ready and that meant so were you.

You felt an oncoming headache, you moved to sit yourself up and cover yourself with the blanket to see if that would provide you any relief. Kylo entered the bedroom shortly after, when he saw you were awake he quickly made his way over to you, grasping your hand and kissing your knuckles.

“Y/n, you're awake.” You smiled at him, not knowing how to react after he made you pass out in the shower. “Are you feeling okay?” You shrugged, thinking it would not be the best time to complain, even if Kylo was being nice to you. “Good.” He placed another kiss to you knuckles and stared at you, as if he was waiting for you to say something. But you didn't, all you wanted to do was sit up and distract yourself from the missing child from your house.

“I want to start a family with you, love.” You nervously glanced in Kylo' direction, you didn't think he was going to bring this up again so quickly. “Do not look at me like that, y/n. You loved Eli, you were always happy when you were with him. You would do anything to get him back.” Well, you couldn't call that one a lie. “You would be an amazing mother, y/n. I wouldn't want anyone else to have my children.” He brushed some hair out of your face and you began to feel ill, you didn't want his children. You could never subject a child to his wrath. Sure, he was getting better at controlling his anger, but Kylo was like a wild animal. It was just in his nature to be angry, no matter how nicely he would treat you or a child you'd always find yourself cowering away from his hand.

Just as you began to turn out of his embrace he swiftly grabbed your arm and positioned it above your head, mimicking the way he used to kiss your birth control implant when you first got it. “The only thing that's stopping us, is this.” His bare fingers were ice cold on your arm, making you shiver. You stared at him, he was staring at the small scar like he wanted to rip it out with his teeth, like it was the only thing standing in his way to accomplishing his wildest dreams.

“We need to remove it, then we can start.” Out of his pocket came one of the kitchen knives, you gasped so loud all of the air left your lungs. You screamed as he slowly rested the knife on your skin, thrashing back and forth trying desperately to wiggle out of his grasp. “Hold still, love. I-I don't want to hurt you more than it has to hurt.” The blade pressed into your flesh, you kicked Kylo in the stomach and he stumbled away.

“K-Kylo! No, please. Don't remove it yourself!” You shrank away as he regained his composure and started making his way toward the bed once more. You were fully expecting him to hurt you some how, that's how it always went when you had hurt him. You hit him, he hits you back only much harder and much more likely to leave a bruise. “We-We can get the doctor to remove it. It's safer! Please, Kylo!” You were not emotionally prepared for this. You weren't emotionally prepared to lose Eli so quickly either. You were a wreck.

He was staring at you, twisting the knife around in his hands. “We'll get the doctor to remove it and then we can start trying.” Kylo had caught onto your word games, you saw. You weren't going to actually tell him you would be “ready” to start trying for a baby after the doctor removed your implant, that would have put too much hope into his mind. But he said it himself anyway, and you knew whatever Kylo wanted Kylo got. “Tomorrow.” You suggested lightly, there was no way you'd be able to stand getting it removed today like Kylo just tried to do. “Please?” You added shortly after, squeaking like a small mouse.

“Tomorrow.” Kylo nodded in approval before turning around and leaving the room. Before he left, however, in a violent act of rage he slammed the knife down, wedging it it in the top of your dresser.

 

 

That same night you and Kylo found yourselves in bed for the first time since Eli had left. You were quite puzzled, you wondered why he wasn't looking at his map at the moment. “Because-” He said as he was pulling you on top of him. “I've got something much more important I need to do right now. The map can wait till tomorrow.” You nodded as you began sliding yourself down to his hardening cock, mostly disinterested but still willing to engage him.

He took ahold of your arms and began pulling. “No, not today. On my face.” You were confused, but as he pulled you followed his lead. He pulled you all the way up and then grasped you by your hips as he licked a long stripe up your cunt. With an intake of breath you realized now what he was trying to do to you. As he probed your entrance with his tongue you relaxed, letting a well missed wave of pleasure wash over you-it had been so long since he ate you.

You didn't know what you were supposed to do in this position. Every other time he was on his knees on the floor while you sat on the bed, or he had your legs draped over his shoulders and you could lay back and enjoy his mouth. But this was new, it was almost as if you had control! Your hands went from your knees slowly to his hair, where you began to rock your cunt on his face. As he moved his tongue to your clit and slowly began to lick circles around it you bit your lip, producing a moan from the back of your throat.

_Be vocal. I haven't heard your beautiful moans in so long._

Your eyes flew open and you looked down at him, he was looking back up at you as his mouth assaulted your most sensitive area. You heard him speak, but he obviously could not have said anything. His eyes flashed with something so seductive as he sealed his lips around your clit and sucked, causing you to throw your head back and moan as loud as you could-you would question him about it later.

You were shaking on top of him, panting loudly as you could feel your release fast approaching. He brought his tongue back to your entrance and thrust in and out, your arms flew out in front of you and rested on the top of the headboard as you realized how much deeper he got into you. When he curled his tongue against your front wall you went mad, riding his face and moaning in ecstasy, surely you would not last much longer. His tongue stilled as your bounced on his face, setting your own pace. Just a little more, you thought. Just a little more and you'd-

A knock on the other side of the bed room door brought you immediately out of your zone. Kylo began pushing on you legs, indicating you needed to move back. With a small protesting sigh you did just that, he had such a huge grin on his now wet and shiny face. “Right on time.” You and Kylo moved awkwardly together until you sat in his lap and he sat against the headboard. “Come in.” He said smugly.

You looked at him like he was crazy. You were completely naked and he only had on a pair of sweat pants, his erection was huge and impossible to hide! “Kylo, wait, what are you-” The door flew open, hitting the wall and in strolled the nasty lieutenant. You were sure your face turned fifty different shades of red at the same time. You jumped up and threw your arms around his neck as he clutched your back, the lieutenant took one look at your nude form and her jaw dropped, going from extremely jovial to utter shock and horror.

“C-Commander? W-w-what is this about?” You shivered as she looked on, taking in the scene right before her eyes. You had honestly felt like crying. “I believe I sent for you for a reason, lieutenant.” Her eyes went from you, down to his erection. “Um...I. I have the-” She stammered as you placed your face into the crook of his neck and whined. “Kylo, why is she here?” You whispered to him. He shushed you, then kissed your cheek very loudly.

“Lieutenant if you cannot do your job as I have asked I will have you demoted. What did I call you to my room for?” Kylo began to push you out of his lap but you didn't want to move, this woman had already seen you naked once, you'd rather not give her another view. “I-I've gotten the report like you requested. I can send it to you-”

“You will read the report to me.” Kylo had different ideas for you. He pushed on your rib cage until you fell onto the mattress in between his legs, the lieutenant stared on as your breasts bounced upon landing. “Kylo, I really don't think that's-”

“Excuse me lieutenant? What did you just call me?” He possessively ran his hands up your body, quickly finding your breasts and palming them. She gulped, she was upside down in your field of vision but you could see the torment on her face. That's when it clicked. Kylo was getting revenge on her. Kylo looked down at you as the smile on your face grew from ear to ear, instead of crossing your legs to keep yourself modest in front of her you spread them, planting your feet on each side of his hips. You knew what (and who) would come soon, and you loved it.

“You will refer to me as who I am to you: Your _Commander._ Now report.” You didn't know what in his words stirred you, but they made you so much more wet and hot. Maybe its because of what he was about to do in front of her, it was obvious in the way he grasped your ankles and threw them over his shoulders. You flexed your hips and let out a quiet moan in response. You were ready.

“The report says: Last week two storm troopers...” Kylo lowered his head between your legs, skipping any foreplay and going right for your clit. You bucked your hips, sighing in pleasant relief as you were extremely horny up until that point. He made it noisy, shook his head so it was obvious he was eating you out. You saw the lieutenant look up and stop mid word, her jaw hanging open at what was going on. Kylo noticed as well, looking up from between your legs and glaring at her. “Well?”

“Commander I don't think I can-”

“ _Report_ lieutenant.” She sniffed, you could see tears flooding her eyes. Kylo began going at you once more, pressing his tongue flat against your clit as she began speaking once more about an accident that happened two weeks ago involving the death of two storm troopers. You momentarily felt bad for her, like she didn't deserve being teased like this. But then you remembered how she tormented you, stepping on Eli's paper airplanes and calling you a whore. Kylo was right, she deserved this. She deserved to hear Kylo's sloppy noises as he pleasured you endlessly.

Kylo pushed your hood back with his tongue and licked your clit. Long. And. Hard. Involuntarily, your back arched and gripped his hair. You couldn't even hold back the moan that filled the room, cutting off the lieutenant's speech. She looked at you with a hurt expression on your face as you convulsed, with every lick you were getting closer and closer to your delayed orgasm. Your toes curled as you huffed and puffed, you were determined to cum right in front of her, to ride your orgasm out and pull every ounce of pleasure Ren was giving you out. You were so bad.

Kylo pulled away abruptly, you were vocal about your frustration. She had apparently started to walk out of the room. “Lieutenant!” She begrudgingly turned around, she had tears falling down her face. “If you walk out of this room you will be terminated an ejected from the base immediately.” She refused to look at you, instead looking at the tablet as she finished reading her report. All the while Kylo had taken to sucking and licking your lips. You felt like he was no longer trying to get you to cum.

“I'm finished!” The lieutenant called out, you could hear her voice was thick with emotion. She took a step back and Kylo lifted his head once more, this time licking his lips. She took a step back and Kylo stopped her. “I have not dismissed you yet, lieutenant.”

“Commander, please.” She mumbled almost silently. “So, I've heard you don't like y/n. Is this true?” Her bottom lip quivered a bit, she took another look at you and you smiled at her. “What we had was a one night stand, nothing more. You do not get to bully y/n just because I didn't want you again after that. Am I understood, lieutenant?” Kylo then stuck two fingers inside of you, curling them as he used his thumb to stimulate you clit. The action had you shaking and panting once again. You had been denied an orgasm twice now and you were burning with desire. Every one of your nerves was standing at attention and you were begging Kylo in your head to just hurry up and let you finish.

“Yes, Commander.”

“I'm going to make her cum now, and while she is cumming you will apologize to her.” Your mouth hung open as you looked at her, this was too much. You feared that just by his authoritative tone you'd cum. “Kyloooooooo!” You whined, grasping onto the bed sheets for dear life. “Say: Y/n, I apologize for my disgusting behavior. Now!” With a flick of his thumb and a curl of his two fingers you were pushed over the edge. You came with a scream, closing your eyes and tilting your head back. You could have sworn you felt and heard your heart beat stop momentarily, you thought you felt every pore in your skin secrete sweat- your orgasm was so incredibly _strong._

“...disgusting behavior.” You heard the lieutenant finish her sentence, you never heard her start. The ringing in your ears prevented it. You looked up at her, then up at Kylo who was staring down at you with hungry eyes. You knew the second she stepped out of the room you were in for a brutal fucking, you could see it in his eyes. “Dismissed, lieutenant.” She turned to leave and you held your arm out to her, you had to have the last word in this situation. You couldn't hold back.

“ _Ciao, bitch.”_

Kylo fucked you against the foot board of the bed. You were mostly on your knees, back arched so you could hang onto the board for dear life as Kylo violently pushed in and out of you. Normally this type of intimacy with Kylo left you strained and extremely uncomfortable, but tonight it felt amazing. It was exactly what you needed after Kylo displayed his dominance over you in front of that lieutenant. “Fuck, you're amazing love. _Ugh-_ You're so fucking amazing.”

“Yes, Kylo.” Very rarely could he make you cum with just his cock alone, but you had already felt another orgasm brewing inside of you with every thrust he gave you. You moaned as you clenched around him, wanting him to somehow go faster. “No one gets to treat my y/n badly, absolutely no one.” He pushed into you then held himself there, leaning over to get a better look at your face. “Do you think she learned her lesson?”

“Kylo, _please_ stop talking and just fuck me!” He chuckled at you, leaned down and kissed your cheek. “I love you, _y/n._ I love you so fucking-” Suddenly his entire body heaved and he was bumping into you cervix. “ _much-Argh!”_ He came inside of you, the warm and loving feeling in your center told you so. You were disappointed that you didn't get to cum again, but you let it slide because of the intense one you had earlier that day. Kylo rocked his hips into you, the small moans told you he was overstimulated but for whatever reason he still wanted to fuck you. He leaned down once more, whispered something in your ear:

“Next time, you'll give me a baby.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one liked the lieutenant anyway. Fuck her.


	20. Painful Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has his map, but all does not go as planned.

Just like the day he stood over you watching you get you implant, he's standing over you watching you get it removed. You stared at the ceiling as the medic numbs your arm first with a small needle, then with a scalpel cuts a slit in your arm and tweezes the implant out. You look down just in time to see your arm oozing red blood and the implant being pulled out. You then shot a look up at Kylo who was wearing his helmet and looking past you at the window. The medic placed it in a small plastic cup that says “medical waste” and caped it. She then used the machine you had come to recognize instantly to heal up the wound.

“Alright, leave about 48 hours for the effect to be lost.” She said as she packed up her medical supplies and walked to the bedroom door. You wondered what happened to the doctor that inserted the implant and did a follow up-Maybe Kylo fired him too.

Once she had left Kylo sat down on the bed next to you and handed you a cup of water. “Feeling okay?” You shook your arm, willing the slight tickle away that the machine always left. “For the most part.” He nodded his head at you and stepped away. “I'm going to go look at the map now. When I come back, we will celebrate with those delicious oatmeal cookies.” You smiled at him, even though he had been terrorizing you about wanting a child as of recent you were still happy for him. You were proud of his accomplishment. “Okay, I'll get to baking then.”

You walked him to the door and as he left you shouted a “good luck!” to him, hoping it would make his day that much better.

You wasted no time getting started on the cookies. Preheating the oven and pulling out the ingredients you noted you'd have to ask Kylo for more sugar. While you mixed the ingredients you thought about what the map being in the First Orders hands meant for the Resistance. You were under the assumption the map led to just Luke Skywalker, it had nothing to do with the Resistance. It was Eli you worried about, the First Order wanted nothing more than to destroy the Resistance and every one of their members. You hoped Kylo would at least seek him out and save him if he had the chance, you couldn't imagine the pain in both of your hearts if Kylo came home and said he had killed every resistance member out there-including Eli.

You had the cookies shaped and placed them in the oven, setting it for ten minutes. In that ten minutes you decided to start a new drawing, a portrait of Kylo. It was a new challenge, you thought to yourself. He was extremely impressed by your portrait (so impressed he still hadn't given it back), so maybe he'd be even more impressed with a portrait of himself. You'd present it to him as a gift, so you had to be sneaky about it. You were confident in yourself that you had spent enough time to Kylo that you had his face memorized, you could draw it from memory.

In the ten minutes it took for the first batch of cookies to bake you struggled with the shape of his chin. No, that was too wide. No, he didn't have a cleft. No, now it's too long. The timer went off and you were happy to give yourself a break, you were getting frustrated as it was. So you laid the next batch of cookies out on the baking sheet and began making the vanilla filling.

You heard the doors open and close, moved quickly to hide your sketch book in a cabinet under the sink. You weren't expecting Kylo home so soon, you thought map analyzing would take a lot longer than that. You didn't hear him move, it sounded like he had walked into the living room and was just standing there. “I'm in the kitchen Kylo!” You called out as you went back to working on the cookies, slipping the next batch into the oven.

“Miss y/n?” You jumped and turned away, almost burning yourself on the baking sheet. It wasn't Kylo that was standing in your kitchen, it was two storm troopers. “Yes?” How had storm troopers gotten into Kylos quarters, more importantly what were they going to do to you now that they were in? “We need you to follow us, there's been an accident.” You felt your own face go pale. “O-Okay. Is everything okay?” They looked at each other, then the one who spoke originally looked back at you. “Please get dressed and come with us. Orders from Kylo Ren.” You nodded, then turned the oven off and went to the back to change.

 

You followed close behind them, based on the way everyone else in the halls were acting it didn't seem like there was an emergency. You were silent, just observing the people walking around you. There was a bad feeling in your gut, why would you of all people be needed for an accident on Star Killer? What could have possibly happened while Kylo was looking at the map that would would cause an accident?

Your stomach did a complete somersault when you found yourself standing in front of medbay. You didn't know what to expect as they opened the doors and led you in. “General. We have the girl.” There, you were met with a man shorter than Kylo with bright orange hair. He looked irritated, like the scowl on his face was something he wore quite often. Kylo's warning from earlier surfaced in your mind:

_And if you see an angry looking man with red hair walking toward you, walk in the other direction._

“Come with me, girl.” He said with a snarl, he began walking back toward the hospital rooms. You weren't sure if you should follow or run in the opposite direction.

“Has Kylo been hurt?” You asked, struggling to keep up with his pace. “Shut up and keep walking.” He didn't even look at you as he spoke daggers. Yes, you were sure this was the man Kylo warned you about now. So you followed silently behind him, still wondering what was going on. Kylo must have been hurt, why else would you be in medbay? The real question was how hurt was he?

You found your answer audibly from way down the hallway. A howl filled with pain and agony, from a room down the hall ran several nurses, all with a look of terror on their faces. They pushed past you and you stopped behind the General for a second. “W-Was that Kylo?” You couldn't hide the panic in your voice and the shiver down your back. You were terrified, you had no idea what you were about to walk into-you were sure it was something you did not want to walk into at all.

The General didn't say anything, instead just kept walking up to the door all of the nurses ran out of. You stopped once more at another horrendous scream, you knew it was Kylo on the other side of the door and whatever happened to him would be awful. Would he be missing a limb? Have his eyes gouged out? His jaw ripped off? There was no way to tell-you wanted to vomit with every vision of Kylo being hurt that was hurled through your head.

“I don't want to go!” You said as you began taking several steps back. The General turned around and stared angrily at you. “Kylo _insisted_ his fu-his companion be at his side this instant. Get in there!” He reached for you but you jumped out of his grasp and began running down the hallway. He ran after you of course, tackling you to the ground and lifting you by your ribs as he dragged you back toward the room. “No! Please, just let me see him when he's better!” You tried to work your way out of his arms but it was to no avail, for he pulled you through the door and into the hospital room.

The first thing you noticed was Rens jagged and loud breaths, you couldn't see his face, only his body which was being held down by four different doctors. His head was obscured by a fifth doctor who seemed to be operating on his face. Kylo was struggling against these people, you could hear the strained movement of him and his bed, could see his hands and feet flexing as he tried to wiggle out of their grasps.

“Ren, I have her. You can stop acting like a child now.” The General spoke to him in a strained voice, you took quite the offense when he said Kylo was acting like a child. Kylo was obviously in pain, that's why he was being so uncooperative, not because he was a child! “Y/n?” You could hear Kylo gritting his teeth as he called out for you, you seemed to have given him a newfound strength as he threw one of the doctors that was holding down one of his arms to the side. The doctor who was at his face moved as well, revealing what was causing Kylo so much pain. The sight tore your heart out and you began to cry instantly.

 

–

Kylo looked on from the medical cot as she started crying at the sight of his face. He knew the scar would upset her, he just wasn't prepared to see her cry. He now felt like crying himself, holding his arm out and willing her over to him. “Y/n, come here. Come here now!” She looked terrified, like she had never seen him a day in her life. Hux pushed her closer to him, but she was still reluctant. “Do not put her hands on her Hux!” Kylo shouted, he knew she was upset and didn't need Hux's disgusting hands on her.

“Commander, I need you to calm down please. It's going to start bleeding again if you don't!” They still had not removed all the shards of glass from the wound, they were rubbing together and causing Kylo that much more pain and distress. Kylo tried to sit up but he was held back by all of the doctors once more, he wanted to hold her so bad. “Please Y/n, I need you.”

He watched as she looked around the room, at everything except for him. In that moment he felt ugly, he felt his scar burning across his face. He felt like she'd never look at him the same way again. She'd run away, she'd escape. He'd never see her again and they wouldn't get to start the family he wanted so bad. Kylo felt so hopeless in that moment, the tears fell freely and soaked into the scar running under his right eye, causing him to scream out in pain.

The doctor that was removing debris from his face looked back at her, he looked desperate as well. “Please Miss, you can comfort him. He needs it!” The girl stood and looked uneasy, Kylo thrashed his head back and forth trying to get the hands off of him. He would rather die than be looked at as a monster by her.

But she stepped to his side, slowly. It was as if she was walking up to a chained bear, she was unsure and cautious. “Kylo?” She squeaked next to him. He looked in her direction, not realizing she had stepped up to him. “Y/n.” He breathed, reaching up to grab her face. She was no longer crying, probably recognizing his need to have her next to him while he underwent the medical procedure. “Kylo, w-what happened to you?” He didn't want to tell her. Didn't want to have to relive the pain he was put through at the hands of the Resistance.

He was excited as he inserted the datachip into the computers reader, bringing up the parts of the map he already had as well. He stared in anticipation as the map loaded, he could taste the victory and the oatmeal cookies he was going to eat when he got home just standing there as the piece lit up bright blue, just like the rest of the map he already had. He had moved the piece where it belonged, and it fit perfectly. Just as he removed his helmet to take a better look the world fell apart.

He didn't hear the explosion for too long, just the ringing in his ears as he was blown backward. Next he felt the shards of glass cut through the flesh on his face, felt the biggest shard slide over the right side of his face and narrowly miss his eye. Other shards from the console cut through his robes, but not through his armor.

He sat stunned, not even sure what happened at first. He felt the sting of the blood in his eye, and all at once the situation became real. He had been played. The Resistance had outsmarted him and the entire First Order staff that examined the datachip to find any flaws-self destruction for example.

He stood and, in a rage, began screaming both in pain and anger. He had the piece of the map he needed, he _had_ it. Had held it in the palm of his hand! And it all turned out to be a farce meant to most likely kill him and other members of the First Order.

To think if he had simply examined it in his quarters like he wanted to-

 _Y/n could have been hurt. Y/n could have_ died!

He removed his lightsaber and started swinging it in every direction, yelling out once more at the pain in his face and his absolute anger. The Resistance could have killed the girl, even after she and him had taken such good care of their child. They would pay.

They _will pay._

As he exited the room to make the announcement to blow up every Resistance controlled planet in the universe he had come to the realization of how weak he was, collapsing to the floor quickly. People around him stared, some ran as he made angry eye contact with them. He looked down and saw the dark red blood dripping from his face and splattering onto the floor. He felt it run over his lip and into his open and panting mouth, the taste of iron fueling his need for revenge even more.

At some point, though, someone called a medic for him. They swarmed him, demanding he go to medbay at once. He threw every one of them off of him with the force, determined to launch the missiles that would destroy every planet he wanted to. He took one step, two steps, three steps, then collapsed, coughing up a bit of blood as his face smacked the ground.

The medics gathered around him again, they were like flies to a dead carcass. They began caring for the wounds on his face while he sat on the floor yelling like a wild animal. He stopped fighting them long enough for them to lift him to his feet and start walking him toward the medbay.

Now here he was, holding onto y/n's hand as tight as he could while she kept the tears out of his wound. First they had to pull the remaining shards of glass and other shrapnel out of the wound, then they had to flush it, then they had to clean it. The entire process was so painful, Kylo tried his hardest not to scream and cry while it went on but he couldn't hold back. Every time he yelled in agony the girl would look away, clenching her eyes as tight as she could as to stop her tears. Seeing her under such distress upset him even more-it was like a never ending cycle of shared tears between the two.

 

–

You sat at the top of the cot, legs crossed over each other with Kylo's head in your lap. Once they had gotten the wound cleaned and bandaged they decided he needed a break. You combed your fingers through his hair, picking out the occasional blood clot that you found. The past 45 minutes had been so traumatic and exhausting for you, between having your heart continually broken every time Kylo's face contorted in pain and he screamed, to him practically bending and breaking every bone in your hand, to seeing blood spurt out of the wound every time he made any sudden movement, you were beat, ready to go home and just sleep.

Kylo seemed to be sleeping, his breath was even and he was relaxed despite the heavy gauze that was taped across his face. Once they were done you had even convinced him to remove his shredded outer clothing, knowing he was more than likely burning up under the heavy black robes.

“What do you mean you can't use the machine?!” You were shocked, a little scared even. Every single time you had a cut the medics always used some special machine to close and heal them instantly. Sure there was a bit of swelling after but there was never any scar and it was mostly painless.

“The scar is too big, too jagged, and it's too long. We aren't able to run the machine over it to heal it fully. We're going to have to stitch it-”

“No stitches.” Kylo grumbled from in your lap, not even bothering to open his eyes. “Kylo, they're going to need to close it up so it doesn't-”

“I said no stitches!” You sighed, looking down at him sadly. You couldn't imagine the pain he was in at the moment, he was probably afraid. “Kylo, you know they can numb you, just like when I got my-” Your mouth was forced shut, your teeth clenched painfully against each other. “No. Stitches.” He said a little less forcefully than he said last time. He released the force hold he had on you and you relaxed, admitting defeat. As you ran your fingers through his hair once more you asked if there was another option.

“We can just send him home with the gauze and bandages. Leaving it open will leave him more susceptible to infection though, so it's not advised.” You looked down, Kylo still had his eyes closed but his brows were knit down. You could tell he was listening to the conversation. “We'll have to try it. If it gets infected we will call for you.” Below you, Kylo snarled. The medic nodded at you, then handed you a bottle of pills. “We will want to keep him over night just to make sure he is well, these are for pain. Take one every six hours as needed. I'll send for an escort for you back to your quarters.” You smiled, fiddling with the bottle of pan killers.

The doctor had left, leaving you and Kylo by yourself. Kylo was agitated, you decided not to talk to him because of it. You didn't want to say the wrong thing and then have the wound start bleeding again. You were almost certain he was asleep until he turned his head to the left. “Y/n.” He moaned. “It hurts.” You lightly ran your fingers over his bandages. “I'm sorry. Do you want your pain killers?” His lip curled up in a snarl, as if you had just asked him if he wanted a lethal injection. “No. Pain makes you stronger.”

You sighed heavily, Kylo was so damn stubborn when it came to his health. First he won't hold still for the glass to be removed, then he refuses stitches to keep off an infection, finally he complains that he's in pain only to refuse his pain meds. “No it doesn't, Kylo.” You started softly, running your hand over his forehead to brush his hair out of his face. “It's okay to not want to be in pain, pain is bad. That's why-”

“What the hell do you know about being in pain?” His eyes flew open and he craned his neck to look you right in the eyes. “You don't know anything about the correlation of pain and strength. You are weak, weak because you get rid of your pain!” He closed his eyes again, the painful feeling in your chest began brimming its way to the surface and you rapidly blinked the beginning of your tears away. Kylo still did sometimes demean you with his words, but they were never as hurtful as what he had just said. From the time you came to live with him to now he had caused you tons of pain, you didn't think any of it had made you stronger. Granted, he was stressed out so you knew he wanted to lash out at something, you just so happened to be the only one around and he could only do it verbally.

You hated it.

So you stayed silent for the rest of the time Kylo was awake, leaning your head back against the cot and wishing you were back at his quarters so you could work on your new drawing. You even worried about the cookies you had left out, hoping they'd still be good by the time you got back. Eventually, Ren's breathing was even, you could see his eyes twitching under his lids as an indication of REM sleep. It was time for you to go, you'd request an escort back first thing in the morning to be with Kylo as he needed you.

Very slowly you lifted his head and crawled out from under him, replacing your lap with a pillow and gently resting his head on it. You stepped away from him, feeling a need to plant a kiss on his forehead. But with his earlier comment you felt like he didn't deserve it. He could stay in his pained state by himself, since he wanted to be so strong he obviously didn't need your kisses to help him feel better.

You quietly tiptoed toward the door, feeling rather confident in yourself. Kylo may be upset that you left him but it's not like he'll have the energy to beat you over it. You prepared yourself to be yelled at at the most, a stern talking to at the least.

“Y/n?” Kylo's raspy voice rang out from behind you loud and clear as day. You grimaced, gritting your teeth as you slowly turned to face him. “Yes?” Your stomach churned as you realized your disciplinary conversation was bound to be happening now. “Where did you go?” You noticed as he spoke to you his eyes were closed, your heart shattered as you heard how lost and afraid he sounded without you. “I-I was going back to your quarters. It's getting late.” He took a couple of shaky breaths-in and out, in and out. You could feel the lump in your throat rising and thickening -Kylo was about to cry.

“Stay, please?” This was not what you were expecting. You were expecting him to be angry at you, not pleading with you to stay. “Stay....where do you want me to stay?” His cot was far too small to fit the both of you, and you certainly didn't want to sleep on the chair that sat in the corner. “I-I don't know, just stay with me.” his breath was still shaking, you realized you had the upper hand here, if you really wanted to you could go back to his quarters and leave Kylo alone.

But you couldn't stand seeing Kylo so distressed, and even if he didn't care about it you didn't like seeing him in pain. So you rushed back to his side, pulling up a nearby chair and sitting down next to him. You took a hold of his hand and gently held him, stroking his fingers and letting him know you weren't leaving him. He reached out to you, pulling on your shirt and willing you to get on top of him, which you obliged, helping him throw the blanket on top of both of you.

You reached over and turned the light off, snuggling comfortably on top of him and getting ready to sleep the rest of the day away. Kylo kissed the top of your head and you heard him take in another breath, you kind of wished he'd start crying. Holding in emotion like that isn't good for anyone, especially him! “I'm sorry. I did not mean to lash out at you like that.” You realized that might have been one of the reasons he was so upset, in his pain he said something he regretted to you and he felt terrible. It was only until you tried to leave he got afraid about it, though. Something you'd fault him about later. For now, though, you embraced him and his apologies and relaxed on top of him. He obviously needed you at the moment more than you needed him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Start preparing your hearts for the next chapter, it gets really sad.  
> Also, still no baby. I'm six days overdue now.  
> Also again, I don't know how many of you saw it in the last chapter's comments but I actually started writing another fic. I am terrible lol.


	21. Hang in There

Kylo was discharged the next day, you held his arm as he led you back to his quarters. You had hidden his pain medication in the pocket of your dress, just in case Kylo spontaneously decided he was ready to admit he needed them. The doctor didn't suggest stitches again the next morning like you thought he would, just gave you specific instructions to keep an eye out for infection and to change the bandages every three hours and to make sure you kept the ointment on it that he gave you.

The reason why he was telling you this stuff and not to a nurse was because a nurse had actually tried to do their job and change the bandages for him, but it didn't end very well for her as it caused Kylo a lot of pain. The doctor didn't even try, he handed you the supplies and told you to do it. Reason being: He hated hurting you. He wouldn't go out of his way to push you away or use the force to throw you through a wall because you were causing him pain. You were the perfect person for this job! So the doctor oversaw you change his bandages, all the while Kylo grumbled and strained under the pain of a gaping wound being opened to the air and someone's fingers rubbing ointment into it. But he didn't hurt you, he didn't lash out, he didn't even scream. So the doctor gave you a rapid thumbs up and threw you two out of the medbay, back to your home where you and only you would continue to care for Kylo's wound.

When you got back home you went to immediately finish making up the cookies from yesterday, thinking maybe they would bring Kylo's spirits up a bit higher. Kylo stood in the living room the entire time, looking down at the floor like he didn't know where he was or something. As you put the batch of cookies into the oven you looked over at him, something just didn't seem right.

“Kylo, why don't you sit down?” You said as you gently pushed him toward the couch, you tightened you fingers around his robes and began to pull them off when he moved out of your grasp. He did take your advice and sat down on the couch, you turned on the TV and were met with cartoons, something you weren't in the mood to watch so you handed him the remote as you made your way back to the kitchen.

As you waited for the cookies to finish backing you sat on the floor and worked on the picture of Kylo. Of course, it would now be a bit harder to draw with the bandages covering a portion of his face, but you still thought you could work around it. He called out your name from the living room and you immediately sprang up and went to him. He looked fairly relaxed, he still had his boots and robes on, but he still looked like he was trying to have a good time. “My helmet. It's not here.”

Shit. You knew he was forgetting something when you two left medbay! “Oh? Where did you leave it?” You said as you moved a bit closer to him. “It's, it was in the command station where I was looking at the map. I left without it.” He looked up at you like he was looking for validation. “Okay, well, can you send someone to go get it for you?”

“Probably. But I need your help.” You nodded, willing to help him with anything. “I can't see out of this eye very well, I need you to type out the message.” As you moved to sit down next to him he reached into your pocket and pulled out the bottle of pills. He was so quick, you barely had any time to move out of his way. This time he was looking at you waiting for an explanation. You couldn't offer him one, instead you sat down next to him and looked down at the floor, waiting for him to yell at you for saving the pills he didn't want. “Didn't I tell you to get rid of these?” He shook the pills in front of your face, you couldn't believe you were being made to be guilty for trying to help him. “I'm just trying to help.”

He flicked the bottle into the air and it floated into the kitchen, from the clunk you heard you assumed he had dropped them into the trashcan. “I've told you, pain will make you stronger. I don't need them.” You gave him a solemn look the nodded your head. You would go back into the trash and get them later, you had a fairly good feeling he would need them even if he wouldn't admit it.

“Go into my contacts and contact the General, tell him I need him to fetch my helmet and the door will temporarily be coded to his hand print and DNA so he will have no trouble getting in.” You did as you were told, having a light bulb moment as to why you could never just leave on your own: The doors were DNA coded. You sighed internally as to not upset Ren and handed him his tablet when you were done.

“He'll probably be here soon, I think I need a nap.” Kylo warned as he moved to stretch out, kicking you off the couch. “Let me go get you a pillow and a blanket, when you wake up the oatmeal cookies will be done.” He smiled at you, the bandages stopping him from smiling fully. “Thank you love.” He said as you walked away, back to the bedroom to retrieve his favorite pillow and an extra blanket from under the bed.

You helped him get situated and comfortable, then went to go tend to the cookies. As you were frosting them and putting them together you were made aware of Kylo's snoring, meaning in the five minutes after you left him he had fallen fast asleep. Poor guy, he was so pooped out from the days events that you almost pitied him.

You had the cookies arranged on a plate and set them on the dining room table where you also sat to work on your drawing. For some reason the atmosphere relaxed you and you found it so much easier to work. Between the soft sounds of the TV show Kylo had been watching, the sound of his snoring (which you had grown to love, whenever Kylo was relaxed you were relaxed), and the smell of the cookies sitting right next to you, you easily finished the outline of his head and it was to your satisfaction.

While you had moved on to his facial features the blaster doors opened and closed from behind you. In your doorway stood the General that you had met for the first time yesterday. In his hands he held Kylo's mask.

You excitedly jumped up, quietly making your way over to him with a huge and thankful smile on your face. “Thank you so much!” You said under your breath, but the mans face did not change. Just like yesterday he held his lips in a harsh frown as he looked you up and down. He shoved the helmet into your chest, causing you to stumble back a little bit. “Where is Ren?” You stared at him, wondering why he hated you so much. Surely it couldn't have been for the same reasons the lieutenant hated you, right? Was Kylo sleeping with him behind your back, or at some point? You felt that dreaded feeling creep into your chest, the same feelings you had toward Rey and the lieutenant.

“He's napping right now, do you want me to go get him?” His eyes went from you to past you, probably looking at Kylo's leg that dangled off of the couch and on the floor. “Not necessary.” You two awkwardly stood and stared at each other for a minute before you turned to leave, bidding him goodbye. Before you had even finished your sentence, however, the man painfully grabbed a hold of your wrist and pulled you back to him. “I don't know what the hell Ren sees in you, but you cannot fool me, young lady.”

Fear coursed through you, you had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. “I know your little secret, and trust me when I say you'll get what you deserve, you will pay for what you've done!” He began twisting your wrist, almost as if he wanted to pull your hand out of its socket. You panicked, didn't think twice about calling out for Kylo. For the life of you you couldn't recall what he was talking about. The only thing you had done since you got here was sit in Kylo's quarters, have sex with him, and take care of a resistance child that Kylo had used to take what he wanted.

You yelled out for him again, this time you heard the fabric of his robes rustle, indicating he had sat up. The General dropped your wrist and fled down the hall, the blaster doors closing behind him. “What is it y/n? What's happened?” Kylo was standing behind you, grabbing you by your shoulders and turning you to face him. “Love! You look like you've seen a ghost, what happened to you?”

“He-He hurt me.” Your eyes went from Kylo's face down to his chest as you processed what had just happened to you. “Who? Hux?”

_you'll get what you deserve, you will pay for what you've done!_

Your heart was hammering against your rib cage as you tried to compose yourself. Kylo gripped your chin and forced you to look up at him, he looked like he was panicking as well. “What did that fucker do to you? Tell me, y/n. Now!”

“Kylo sit down! You're too worked up, you're going to make your scar bleed again!” He dropped your chin, then wound his arm back as if he was going to slap you. You had recognized this gesture, on impulse you dropped his helmet and covered your face, moving away from him and cringing at the sound the helmet made as it hit the ground. Your emotions were flying around and bouncing off the walls in your mind, you weren't sure what you'd do once you got hit, there was just so much going on you weren't even sure if you'd react or not.

Suddenly Kylo lifted you by your shoulders and carried you over to the couch, dropping you firmly down on the cushion. He paced around in front of you for a second running his fingers through his hair over and over. “No, no! I'm not mad at you, I'm angry with that ginger bastard Hux!” He walked over to the wall and punched a hole into it, you cowered on the couch away from him. He was too far gone to try and stop him, you imagined the blood was now free flowing into the giant crevice that was on his face. You made a mental note to hold him down and change his bandages again when he was done raging on.

He squatted down in front of you and looked desperately into your eyes. “Tell me what he's done to you, I need to know!” You couldn't beg him to calm down any longer, the more you put off telling him what happened the angrier he was going to get. You imagined he'd storm out of his quarters and die of a heart attack before he'd sit down and calmly let you explain what happened.

 

–

Kylo sat there stunned and in a rage while the girl explained to him what Hux did to her while he was sleeping. Yes, he knew Hux thought she was a Resistance spy based on the drawing she did of the droid and on the fact that she knew the scavenger's name. Yes, even at some point he second guessed himself about the matter, but ultimately thought it was preposterous. The entire time they had known each other she had done nothing but care for him, even when he beat her and called her names. If she was of the Resistance she would have tried to hurt him by now, he was sure of it!

He just never thought Hux would be bold enough to tell her his own suspicions, and even hurting her in the process. “Hux is full of shit.” Kylo said as he stood, rubbing his hands over his face and taking a deep breath. He could feel his scar pulsating, indicating blood flow had increased to the wound. “There is nothing wrong with you, y/n. You belong right here with me. He's trying to scare you.” Kylo lied to her in an effort to calm her down. Twice Hux had mentioned to Kylo he wanted the girl interrogated because he didn't trust her but Kylo refused, there was absolutely no reason for it!

But Hux had completely over stepped his boundaries. Twice he had put his hands on her, once Kylo had witnessed but the second time he was fast asleep. Kylo immediately felt the guilt weigh down on him, he had been right there, he could have protected her. But no, he was asleep. He had failed her, failed at protecting her from someone other than himself.

He needed her, he needed to touch and feel and hold her, all in that moment to keep him from breaking down. He needed to know she was still there and wasn't angry at him.

So he took a seat on the couch and pulled her into his lap, holding her face and stretching his fingers out as far as they could go. “I'm sorry. I am so sorry for not being there for you y/n.” He pressed his face into her bosom in an attempt to hold back his tears. Tears would further agitate his scar, and for as much he hated being in pain he knew the girl hated seeing him in pain even more. As she ran her fingers through his hair he calmed almost instantly, but the loving gesture further pulled his tears from his eyes.

“Oh, Kylo. Please don't beat yourself up like that. You were there, you came with I called you.” She pressed her cheek into his hair and kissed the top of his head. It was exactly what Kylo needed- He needed to be loved and nurtured. “He can't touch you like that, he'll never touch you like that again. I'll make sure of it.” She let go of his hair in favor of wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him close to her. “It's okay, Kylo. It didn't...it wasn't that bad.”

“I told him not to put his hands on you, that's not okay, y/n.” Kylo felt his rage burning up again inside of him. He moved to push the girl off of his lap, he was ready to stomp all the way to Hux's office and slice him in half with his lightsaber. “No, Kylo. Please.” She tightened her arms around him as he pushed, it caught his attention and he looked at her inquisitively. “Your bandages.” She ran her fingers under his bandages and showed him his own blood that had spilled. He looked down at her shoulder to see that it was stained with his blood. She was right, he was going to have to calm himself.

 

–

You had to practically sit on Kylo to get him to sit still enough to change his bandages. You tried to stand in front of him but he ducked his head away. You tried to stand over him while he layed down but he (gently) pushed you away and groaned in pain. “Kylo! Come on, I'm just trying to help you!” At that point you hadn't even gotten his blood soaked bandages off his face. “It's going to hurt more if you don't hold still!” He gripped you by your arms and shoved you away, turning away from you and rubbing his bandages. You were hoping maybe he'd try to take them off himself since you were having no luck. But no, instead of that he turned back to you and said: “You're going to have to sit on me.”

So as he lay on the bed you sat on his lap and wrestled with his face. You told him to grasp the bed sheets for comfort in dealing with pain, but it quickly became him grasping your night gown and digging his fingernails into your flesh. You screamed, causing him to open his eyes and scream as well. On your thighs you had his claw marks that bled just a bit, you bit your lip and looked to him to continue. You had gotten the old bandage halfway off and you felt like you were so close to victory. “I'm sorry love, it hurts.”

“I know, Kylo.” You said, you were feeling terrible for him. You wished he would just cooperate with you so you could see him out of pain. Kylo looked at you, tears welled in his eyes and pressed his hands to his sides. “Sit on me again, this should help.”

You didn't know what went through his mind, but you were thankful because whatever it was worked like a charm. Your knees held his hands at his side and he refrained from moving around too much. Your best guess was that if he made any sudden movements you would have been launched off of him and onto the ground. He didn't want to hurt you, that's what was important.

So you got the old bandages off, silently gagging as they were now saturated fully in his blood. Kylo stared at the ceiling biting his lip as you applied the ointment to his cut, then reached for the new bandages. “No, y/n.” You stared down at him, confused as to why he was telling you no. “No bandage. I want it to be open.” You couldn't help the look of shock and annoyance that flashed across your face. “What do you mean?” You dropped your hands to your lap, not wanting Kylo to think you were going to force the bandages on his face. Not that you could even if you wanted to, you knew Kylo was perfectly capable of sending you flying through the wall of his bedroom.

“Leave it open, no bandages. I have to shower anyway.” Well, if he needed to shower he wouldn't need the bandages anyway. So you moved and allowed him to stand, cringing at how he rubbed his fingers into his scar raw. The goal is not _not_ cause an infection, and he seemed to be doing everything he could to cause one!

Kylo had asked if you wanted to shower with him, you declined, fearing the water and soap would irritate him and he'd lash out at you. You also declined hoping he'd change it mind about it because it annoyed you that you went through all that trouble to get him to cooperate with you only to have the ointment washed away in the shower.

As he went into the bathroom you went into the kitchen to retrieve your sketch book, you knew the sooner you got his portrait done the better. He'd be happy to see it and it would probably make him feel a bit better. From the kitchen you heard the shower turn on and you relaxed onto the couch. He hadn't even eaten any of his favorite cookies, you felt terrible for him. He specifically requested them from you that morning and that's not something he usually does, he wanted something to go right in his life and recruited you for help.

Instead, he got glass shards to the face.

You trucked on, adding details to his face and trying your hardest to get his hair down. You stopped midway through to grab one of your cookies when you remembered the medication was still in the garbage. You were determined to keep it safe, so you dug your hand down and retrieved the small cylindrical bottle. Hiding these from him and him staying true to his word of not needing them would be better than not having him and then him needing them cause he was in excruciating pain.

You went back to the bedroom to hide them in the one place you knew he'd never look: In your underwear drawer. He still was not allowing you underwear unless you were bleeding, so it's not like he'd go in there to grab you any to put on.

A grin stretched across your mouth as you realized how sneaky you were being. Sure, it may get you hurt in the future but it was still worth it. It's not like you were hiding something for yourself, you were genuinely trying to help Kylo.

As you turned to go back to the living room you heard a sob come from the bathroom. Your interest piqued, had Kylo hurt himself again? You knocked on the door, swallowing your fear and apprehension. “Kylo? Are you alright?” Another sob, the sound of things being shifted about from the other side of the door. “Kylo?”

“Go away y/n!” You stepped back from the door as you heard Kylo beat his fist against it. “O-Okay Kylo. I'm leaving. Please calm down, remember your-” Suddenly the door flew open, and out stepped Kylo. He stood in front of you, naked and powerful with tears in his eyes. He was completely dry, he hadn't even stepped into the shower in the fifteen minutes you had spent in the living room. “Do not look at me, y/n!” He reached for you, but you jumped away from him, screaming as you ran onto the bed.

You felt like a child who was playing a game with their father. Kylo stood on the ground in front of you with his arms wide open while you stood on the bed, ready to jump away from him when he lunged at you. His scar was beginning to bleed once more, it looked as if he was crying blood. “Kylo stop! You're worked up again, you're going to make it worse!” He seized your ankle and you went crashing down onto the bed, admitting defeat in your war with keeping Kylo calm. “Y/n, I'm a monster. I really am a monster with a scar now!”

“No, no, no. No Kylo, just because you're injured doesn't mean you're a monster.” You reached up to stroke his face, but he ducked away. “No, y/n. You're wrong. I'm a failure, I can't do anything right. I can't even keep you safe, and I couldn't get the map. I saw it for the first time in the mirror and it's just confirmed my suspicion. I'm a monster!” He gripped you by your jaw and began scooting you back in the bed. Your heart was breaking for him, you hated to hear Kylo tear himself down so much when none of what he said was even his fault.

You desperately tried to talk him down, reassuring him that you loved him and you'd do anything for him, anything to get him to stop being so upset. But it didn't work, none of it worked. To your horror he picked up a pillow from next to your head. “You, you don't deserve anyone like me. You deserve so much more, y/n. So much I can't give you.”

“Kylo, you're crazy! I want you, I don't want anyone else but you! Please stop this, it's hurting my heart.” You were both crying now, he because he was having a break down and you because you were in fear of your life. “No, love. I can't have you, you don't belong with a _monster”_ With that he pressed the pillow to your face. Your heart beat quickened to an unimaginable pace. “You don't deserve me, you deserve far better than me.” You could barely hear him over the sounds of your struggle against the pillow.

 

–

Kylo was so out of his own mind. He was sure that he didn't want the girl to see him with his ugly and jagged scar, he was ugly, monstrous. Every negative emotion about himself rained down on him all at once the second he looked into the mirror. Every memory of all the harm he had caused the girl, every shitty conversation he had with Hux, every insult ever hurled at him, every rejection from his parents and everyone around him. It all made sense now, he was a monster.

He loved the girl so much, he decided she deserved so much better than him. However, his only option in his current state of mind was to end her life. If he couldn't have her then no one could. So he smothered her, smothered her in the bed where they had made love numerous times. This was really happening. He would snuff out her life to put her out of her own misery. The only memories that flashed through his mind were the terrible ones where he had hurt her. She must have been truly miserable with him, he was doing her one final favor.

Eventually her kicks and screams and cries ceased, and she sat lifeless under his body weight. “Now, you're free.” He breathed as he loosened the grip on the pillow that concealed her face. He wanted to kiss her perfect lips one more time, wanted to look into those gorgeous eyes one more time, wanted to feel her soft hair one more time. But he thought better of it.

He had killed her, she was no longer perfect. She was nothing but another one of his victims who had died at his hand.

He had saved her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Good to finally be back. Baby Jam and I made it back home yesterday, just falling into mom life as best and as quickly as I can! Thanks for keeping up with me dear readers, I appreciate it! Wish I could share a photo with you guys, he's adorable lol.   
> As promised here's the next chapter.


	22. Magic

Kylo dressed quickly, not giving a damn about how much his helmet was going to hurt his scar. He had to talk to Snoke about what he did. He couldn't decide if he had been caressed by the dark or by the light, Snoke would guide him and reassure him that he had nothing to worry about no matter what way he was swayed.

“I-I've killed the girl, Supreme Leader.” Snoke looked at him puzzled for just a moment. “What do you mean you've killed her ?”

“I smothered her in my bedroom, she deserved so much better than me so I killed her.” As the words left his lips he sobered up, that hadn't been the smartest idea. But he held his tears, he could not cry now in front of Snoke. Snoke looked over him as Kylo trembled in his boots, he really did it. He really killed the woman that he loved. “I sense some sadness in you, son. What's this really about?”

Kylo nearly broke down as he told Snoke how the scar made him feel worthless, how ugly he felt and how he justified killing the girl over his own selfish actions. Snoke looked on, simply observing Kylo in his turmoil. He could feel Kylo's heart being shredded into a million pieces-he saw it as a weakness.

“Compose yourself! You are the Commander of the First Order, you are leader of the Knights of Ren. You are Kylo Ren, you've killed over and over and over again. Seen death on all ends of the galaxy! Surely causing this woman death is nothing.” Kylo immediately changed his stance, willing his broken heart whole as he stood in front of his master and soaked in his words. “The girl was merely a pleasure object. You were not supposed to love her, not even supposed to keep her past those three days! You're making me into a fool for letting you keep her.” Kylo was silent as he listened to Snoke go on and on about how toxic the girl was, bringing up the fact that Hux suspected she was a Resistance spy.

“This situation only proves that there is no time or room in the Order for companions, for friendships or relationships. They destroy people, look at what the girl has done to you! You feel remorse for something you're so great at doing-killing in cold blood.” Kylo nodded his head as his scar burned under his helmet from his sweat and his tears. “I am sending you on a mission, Kylo. A mission to get your manhood and your edge back. You will fight, you will kill, you will take exactly what's yours.”

Kylo agreed, he had no other option than to agree with Snoke. “I have one request, Supreme Leader.” Kylo dedicated his life to this man he thought if he were to go through his his plan he deserved one wish granted. “Leave her body, I wish to be the one who disposes of it.”

“The girl will rot in your bed, then. Is that really what you want?” Kylo was sure. He wanted no one else to see or touch her while she was being disposed of, no one but him. He would cremate her, carry her ashes on his body at all times, either in a pouch on his hip or he'd add a compartment to his lightsaber. Both him and Snoke discussed and agreed on the final preparations and Kylo was off on his impromptu mission abroad to forget about the girl.

 

Kylo tried his hardest to believe in Snokes words, that the girl never meant anything to him and that she was just a distraction. He said that over and over to himself, he never loved her and she never loved him.

As he and his crew stomped all over the city to take it as First Order territory. Kylo brutally killed anyone who didn't comply-men, women, and children alike. As he looked on at their terrified faces, he could only think about the girl. As he plunged his lightsaber into the unwilling hearts of those who defied him, he could only think about the girl. Soon, his killings went from strategic to sloppy and crude, and as his tears spilled in his helmet he realized he was now taking his anger out on these poor people.

He stormed the shops, demanding the merchants give him everything they owned. Not that he needed it at all, it just gave him something to occupy his mind at the time. But it was never permanent, his mind always drifted back to his love, his companion, the woman he wanted to mother his children, his y/n. It was all his fault, she was dead because of him. He lost control of his emotions once more and killed her in a selfish act of “if I can't have you nobody can.” With an angry swing of his arm, he beheaded one of the merchants that had complied with him originally. There was no way out of this torment.

At night, he dreamed about her. Dreamed about making love to her only to look up and see her cold, dead, corpse sitting on top of him. Dreamed about their children running around and playing in the snow, only for him to turn around at their shrieks over their mother laying dead in the snow. He dreamed of her kisses, how she would hold onto him tight, how they bathed and ate dinner, how she smiled at him. But after all those good memories came the same one: Her lifeless body under the hands that killed her.

He never even slept after the first day, waking up screaming her name each time. The last time he awoke he had his hand in his pocket, clutching something in his palm. He pulled the unfamiliar object out and looked over it. A folded up piece of paper that he recognized as soon as he pulled it out. With tears in his eyes he unfolded it slowly, at the last fold he fought with himself to see it. He didn't know if he was strong enough to look at it. But he did it anyway, relishing the noise of the rustling paper.

He held her in his hand, still crusted with dirt from the last time he took it out. He wept for hours over her self portrait, something she was so proud of and so happy to show him. He could envision her smile from that night perfectly.

He was a monster.

She was the one good thing he had in this world and he took her away. He killed a completely innocent girl. A girl that had no intentions other than to help him. And she did! He recalled how terrible he had treated her and the others around him before she had made his way into his life. How he took no time to think about beating her the first time to talking himself out of it the last time when he raised his hand to hit her. She had taught him that seeking love through sex was not the way to go, taught him how to treat a woman by taking care of her and her needs before his own. The bath bomb, massages, the gifts for Eli, it all won her over.

He felt as if the light in him was breaking him, as if he were a crumbling statue and the light was beaming out of him. He finally understood, could finally see how she helped him and why she loved him.

But just as soon as the light burst through him it went away, covered back by darkness at the realization she was gone and would never be coming back.

 

He clutched the photo of her in his pocket for the remainder of the time he was on that planet. After two weeks he was flown back to Star Killer to report back to Snoke about his time there and what he had learned. He humored Snoke, telling him he had seen just how powerful the darkside was and about how he belonged here. He lied and said he didn't need a woman, he didn't need love. All he needed was power and prestige and he'd lead the First Order to victory.

Snoke was pleased with his pupil's progress. “If given the opportunity, Kylo, would you get the girl back?”

Yes! Kylo screamed in his head yes! Over and over he agreed he'd do anything to get her back.

“No. She no longer means anything to me.”

“Very good. Then it should be easy for you to dispose of her body then. See to it right away.”

Kylo hung his head as he made his way back to his quarters. Her body had been rotting away in his bed for two and a half weeks now, it was not going to be a pretty sight. He wasn't sure he was strong enough to do it. He could slip a bag or a pillowcase over her head so he wouldn't have to see her face. He could roll her body in a blanket so he wouldn't have to see her beautiful skin. It wouldn't matter, she was going to be turned to ash anyway.

He finally reached his quarters and stood outside the door. He struggled to step inside knowing the lack of life that would greet him. Unlike every other time he came home from work when she was happy to see him, pecking him on the cheek and showing him what she did that day.

He'd miss her.

He trudged into his quarters and was greeted with the same sad and lonely chill he left with two and a half weeks ago. The lights were still out, everything looked the same. He removed his helmet and dropped it to the floor. Something he thought was odd was the absent smell of death. Decomposing bodies stank to high heaven, the smell was practically ingrained in his mind. With one more sniff, he trudged on.

His scar burned with the cold air and he instantly felt lonely. He took slow steps-one, two, three, four, crinkle.

He stopped at the strange noise, looking down and finding a strange piece of paper. He picked it up and studied it. There was nothing on it, no words, no sketches. Blank. Although he did recognize it as a sheet from her sketch book. He scrunched his eyebrows as he realized it was ripped out, just like he had ripped out her portrait. Only thing was the torn side was on the right side, meaning he was holding it upside down. He flipped the page only to find himself.

He stood stunned at the photo of him. It was perfect! Every little detail, every hair, every beauty mark was in its perfect place. His nose was the right size, his hair was drawn what seemed like strand by strand. He took a breath as he studied his scar in the photo.

In this photo he didn't look ugly. In fact, it took him a minute to realize someone had written the word “Beautiful” in gorgeous script next to his head on the side where the scar was. There were four smaller words and an arrow pointing at the scar as well, they melted his heart right away. “For Kissing and healing.” He said out loud, not trying to stop the smile from growing on his lips. At the bottom of the picture there were more words: “Not a monster.”

At the word “monster” Kylo snapped back to what he was doing.

_Dispose of her body._

Kylo went from being happy and content with the note to feeling ominous. The girl was dead, who drew this picture of him and left it there for him to find? What made it even worse was they had mimicked her drawing style to a tee. His stomach churned, someone was toying with him. He took another look around his living room, everything looked normal since Eli's toys were packed. His red ball was even still sitting against the wall where y/n left it last.

He peeked into the kitchen, everything was normal there was well.

 _Was some of his food gone?_ He found it hard to believe someone would draw his picture, break into his quarters to leave it there, and then take some of y/n's food. He narrowed his eyes as he realized it was probably lieutenant Jamie, coming in to ruin his life even more. She somehow heard the girl was dead and saw it as her opportunity to get with Kylo again, to try and fuck him and they could live happily ever after without y/n getting in the way again.

Disgust. That's what she was, disgusting. He would have her killed after he took care of y/n, after he gave her ashes a proper resting place.

He threw the picture of himself to the ground and swallowed his apprehension, taking long an bold steps to his bedroom. The thought went through his mind again as to why his quarters did not smell like rotting flesh, it was really starting to bother him now. Had the lieutenant removed the body as well?

The answer was yes. He stood alone in his bedroom, no dead body sitting in his bed waiting for him. At first there was shock, shock that Snoke would go against his promise of letting him remove her body. Someone else had touched her.

Someone else had seen her.

Then there was anger. She was his, his to love and hold and care for and dispose of. Her body belonged to him, and someone else had entered his quarters and taken her from him. He let out a yell, activated his lightsaber and took to destroying literally everything. His bed, his tables, his walls, and her dresser. Now he'd really never see her again, he'd never get to tie her ashes to his body. He brought the saber down to her dresser twice, the second time several small white pills came scattering across his floor.

He stopped to look at them, not recognizing them right away. He rummaged through her clothes, compartmentalizing the fact they were hers to find the source. He pulled every unworn garment out of each destroyed drawer till he got to her underwear drawer, where he found the now melted bottle of painkillers he was prescribed on the day of his accident. He felt like he should cry, but he couldn't. He had cried over her enough and Snoke said it wasn't good for him. So he sat and stared at the mess like a sad puppy. She was even looking out for him after death, making sure he wasn't in too much pain with his scar.

Suddenly, a noise from the closet. It sounded like something toppled over. Kylo knew he had lost his temper and didn't hold back at all, but for something to fall that deep in the closet from his tantrum seemed odd. His vision went red as he realized the lieutenant was still hiding in his quarters. She had shrank away in his closet, hiding from him. Without another thought he barged into his closet, slicing his clothing to bits and pieces to remove them from his way. He checked all over the closet when he had seen a foot scurry under some of his now ruined clothes. Kylo angrily gripped the shredded black garments and shoveled his way down to the bottom.

He finally saw the girl. But not the girl he was looking for. The girl he had killed.

She was shivering on the floor, draped in one of his robes. She had a wild look of fear on her face, like she was in fear of her life once more. How many times had she given him that look? How many times had he scared out her out of her skin?

It didn't matter, because here she was. Sitting in front of him alive and well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you last chapter was a cliffie lol.


	23. Freeze Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Were you confused as to why Reader was still alive after 2.5 weeks? Well hop on in and find out what she did to survive without her Kylo.

You had died.

You knew you died.

Kylo Ren had smothered you with his pillow and you felt the life drain out of you.

For a while, you saw your body just floating, floating around his quarters and observing everything that had taken place. Everything you and Eli had done, all the food you had cooked, all the things you had done with Kylo. Every time you fucked him and every time he put his hands on you. It all flashed before your eyes in that short amount of time, and soon you were looking at yourself being carried back to Kylo Ren's room on the base for the first time. He looked strong, powerful in all of his black garments, this was the first time you were observing him from this far away.

He dropped you on the bed, and that's when you regained your life.

You took a huge breath, freaked out as you realized the pillow was still on your face. You imagined Kylo was still in the room with you, staring at you and waiting for just this moment, the moment you'd come back to life so he could kill you once more. So you sat still, listening as hard as you could for any such noises. But there were none, and in a huge stroke of bravery you removed the pillow from your face.

You were met with absolute darkness. It was night time, you could hardly believe it. Were you really dead for that long? You stretched your arms out next to you, desperately looking for Kylo. He was not there.

You tiptoed around his quarters, he was no where to be seen. You flopped down on the couch, worried about him and what he was doing. His scar had made him so distraught, he thought he was so ugly and he thought you wouldn't care for him anymore. Which was untrue, it couldn't have been further from the truth. You wanted to help him with his scar, that's why you urged him to get the stitches and why you kept the painkillers for so long.

He really thought his only option was to kill you.

You held your head in your hands and shook in fear, you knew Kylo was delusional, but you thought you had helped him. How soft and sweet he had become with both you and Eli, how he began thinking more about you rather than himself. You were sure he was changing for the better, and it made you sad to think he really wanted to kill you. It didn't matter why he wanted you dead, it only mattered that he actively went out of his way to end your life.

Just like the day you found out you would forever be in Ren's custody you felt an overwhelming urge to get out, to leave, to run away and never return. In Kylo's own words you didn't deserve him, and in his own actions he said “if I can't have you, no one can.” He was going to come back soon, realize you were alive, and then kill you again!

You had to think logically, you couldn't go an destroy his quarters like you did last time. It didn't work the first time so it surely would not work again. You felt your skin prickle in panic, you didn't know when he was coming back so you had to act quickly.

You ran to the biggest window in his quarters and looked down, just as you had done with Eli sitting in your lap. It was about a two to three story drop, and as of right now no one was outside. The drop was scary, but if you landed in a sizeable snow bank there wouldn't be a whole lot of pain. This had to be your best option, but you checked around his quarters once more. You knew the front door was not an option as it was coded to Kylo's DNA, and even if it wasn't surely someone would have seen you running and would capture you, so you checked the ceiling for air vents. You found one right above the bed, but it was much too small for you to climb through.

So you decided busting through the window was your only option. You searched around his quarters desperately for something big and heavy enough to smash the window out. You eyed the toaster, but you thought that was too small. There was one of the chairs, but they didn't seem heavy enough. You thought about the stand that Darth Vaders helmet sat on top of, you couldn't remember if it was bolted to the ground or if it was separated. You weren't too excited to go back into that dreaded room, so you opted to look for something else, saving the stand as a last resort.

In his bed room you thought the bedside tables might do, but an even more promising object stood hanging on the wall in front of his bed: the TV. Sure it was a flat screen, but it was notably bigger than the one in the living room and you'd have an easier time hurling it through the window than the bedside table, or vaders stand, or a chair. Without any second thoughts you unplugged it and snatched it off the wall, dragging it back toward the living room.

You leaned the TV against your legs and stared at the window, all of the sudden you had cold feet. What if he were to walk in on you while you were smashing the window? What if you break it and then alarms begin going off and suddenly you're being shot by storm troopers? You bit your lip as you realized it didn't really matter, that both of those scenarios would end in your death, and so would Kylo coming home to find you alive. You had literally nothing to lose, it was either smash this window and run or stay here and wait for death.

You lifted the TV behind your head, stumbling back and dropping it with a loud thud. You sighed, feeling your skin prickle in panic again. Just before you reached for it again you stopped yourself, realizing you were not dressed very well for the snow. You ran back to the bedroom and came back dressed fully in your snow outfit from when Kylo took you outside. You had included two pairs of socks on your hands to help you pick through the glass when it was broken and to keep your hands warm when you were running through the snow.

The TV was difficult to lift and hang on to with the socks on your hands, but you wanted to jump as soon as you got the chance to. So you shut your eyes, wound the TV behind your back, counted to three and with all of your might hurled it at the window. The sound of glass shattering perked your ears up, a quick wave of hope rushed through your body. But when you opened your eyes you were severely disappointed.

The only glass that had shattered was the glass on the TV, the window was fully intact. You scowled, then went back to grab one of the bedside tables, gently placing everything that was atop on the ground and carrying it to the living room. Just like with the TV, you gathered up your strength and threw it right dead center at the window, but nothing happened. You did the same with the dining room chairs, pushing the legs against the window as hard as you could, but nothing happened.

You set the chair down and relaxed on it, removing your outer layers and taking the socks off of your hands. You were sweating bullets, from being very hot and from over exerting yourself. You slouched as you realized you had one option left, and that was to go see about the stand in the Vader room. You cringed as you stood, remembering that fateful day you were brought in there and forced to interact with it, to touch it, and to kick it. You paid the price for it, for all of it. The prospect of going in there made you ill, you clutched your stomach as you felt yesterdays food tossing and turning. But it had to be done. It could be your only way out, you had to be brave.

You feet felt like lead blocks as you made your way down the hall and stood in front of the door. You stared at the door handle, gulping down the lump in your throat as best you could. You didn't know what would happen when you opened the door, alarms, trip wires, blasters? Who knew. But there were two things that you knew were certain: Your escape through that window and your death if you didn't.

You reasoned with yourself that all you had to do was open the door and see, if you thought it was bolted to the ground you'd just leave. If you didn't then you'd go in and inspect. Either way, this was your last option and you hoped it would work overall.

Holding your breath, you twisted the door handle, the room was just as chilly as you remembered it being. Through a small crack in the door you looked but could see nothing. You took time to appreciate the fact that there were no alarms going off and there were no explosions or blasters going off. So you opened the door a little more, then a little more until finally you could fit your head into the room. You stared at a fixed point on the wall, not ready to dart your eyes down to the mask itself quite yet

_Time is of the essence! You don't have time to be afraid!_

You bit your lip and looked down only to see the helmet was not there. You were dumbfounded, was it still sitting on the floor? Had Kylo gotten rid of it? Maybe he had mounted it on the wall and you'd look up to see it staring back at you. A shiver, you felt like you were now being watched.

Your eyes slowly went down to the bottom of the empty stand, it was almost like you were seductively checking someone out. You felt dirty, like your eyes didn't belong roaming the stand that once held the helmet, like any minute now someone would come up behind you and murder you for doing so. But you pushed the unpleasant feeling to the back of your mind, instead you allowed your eyes to continue their adventure downward.

Well, it definitely wasn't bolted to the ground. It wasn't standing free either. The stand was more like it was part of the ground, like it was a tree growing from the steel floor up and up into the air.

_So much for that plan._

You quickly closed the door and leaned against it-there had to be another option! You launched yourself from the door and ran to the kitchen. There had to be something, something you could use to break the window. You rummaged through the pots and pans, nothing looked heavy enough. Then you had an idea: The knives!

You grabbed the biggest and sharpest knife that Kylo allowed you to use. You looked at your reflection in it and prayed to the maker because this was surely your last option. You made your way over to the window and attacked it as hard as your could, doing your best to stab your way through the glass. You didn't know how many times you tried to drive the blade through the glass, but it didn't work. You tried scratching slowly down the class, but the glass didn't even scratch. You dropped the knife and it clattered to the floor, you followed closely behind it.

Defeated. Hopeless. Helpless.

That's how you felt. You finally allowed yourself to cry. The end was coming, any minute now Kylo would come through those two doors and would kill you for surviving his smothering, for destroying his TV, for whatever reason. Did he really need a reason? He said so himself, you belonged to him, you were his to touch, to hold, and to love. His to beat, rape, and kill. You accepted your fate, leaning up against the wall and hoping Kylo would hurry home and would kill you quickly.

You stared at the doors, waiting. You waited so long you actually fell asleep. You dreamed of nothing, nothing until you heard the growling.

You opened your eyes and saw Kylo, he was growling at you. He was angry, standing right in front of you with his fists balled. His teeth were bared and clenched down, and he was growling. That's all he was doing, growling at you. You stared up at him in confusion. “Won't you kill me?” You said to him, but he growled. “Kylo?” Another growl. There was something wrong. You needed to help him! Every synapse in your mind was telling you not to, but you stood anyway. You walked over to him and reached for his face, for his scar. As soon as your fingers made contact with him everything went black.

You awoke sitting on the floor right where you fell asleep. You were breathing heavily, looking around frantically for Kylo. Could that really have been a dream? He wasn't there, and there was no proof that he ever was. It was dark, you could barely see anything around you.

Then you heard him growl.

Only it wasn't him growling, the noise you heard was your stomach growling. You laughed at yourself, under this much stress your body basically attacked itself in the form of a dream to tell you that you were simply hungry. You sat and contemplated your next move, you were so used to having big dinners sent to you by Kylo and you realized that wouldn't happen without him, so you were left to fend for yourself.

You made yourself a simple bowl of chicken soup and sat at the dining room table by yourself and ate. You felt so lonely, you missed Eli, you missed Kylo. You had to turn on the TV to drown out the silence that was making you so upset while you ate, dinner was small and not very satisfying. You then decided to clean up the mess you made, moving the now ruined TV under the bed where it wouldn't be found and placing the bedside table back and everything on top of it.

As you relaxed on the couch and watched the TV you realized how much you were craving Kylos attention, his touch, his love. You didn't really know how long you had gone without him, and you missed him. Even though his last interaction with you left you nearly dead, he was the only person you've had to talk to for months, you grew accustom to his cuddles and his sex and his words. You felt so lost and empty without him.

You wrapped yourself in a blanket and got more comfortable on the couch. “Don't worry,” you told yourself out loud. “He will be back to kill you soon.” You closed your eyes and waited, but he didn't come for you before you fell back asleep.

 

The next time you woke it was early in the morning. The sun was just barely coming up and the living room was illuminated with a gorgeous bright blue glow. You listened for any movement, any indication that Kylo was home, but there was none. As far as you knew, you were still alone. You sat on the couch and stared at the ceiling, the TV still creating white noise and keeping you faux company.

The glow reminded you a lot of one of the morning you first met Supreme Leader Snoke. How Kylo woke you by kissing down your body and then used his mouth to get you off. You sighed as you began to trail your fingers down your body, over the swell of your chest, down to your pubic bone and then back up. You missed his touch so much, you had such an empty feeling sitting there on the couch thinking of how lovely he was that morning.

You absentmindedly let your fingers fall to your sex, ghosting them over your labia and back up. You thought back to all the times he had eaten you, how good and warm his mouth felt on you. How deep his tongue would get and how you'd moan an grab his hair. He loved it, every time you grabbed his hair he'd pull you closer to him and go at you with so much urgency. How his tongue would so expertly work its way around your clit, darting in almost every direction before pulling your hood back and really working you over.

You found yourself spreading your own lips and seeking your clit out, this was so wrong for many different reasons. It was swollen and hot, and as soon as you touched it ripples of pleasure buzzed throughout your body, causing you to squeak. You looked around, thinking someone might have heard you, catching you in this lewd moment. You had never touched yourself before, you weren't even sure if you were doing it right.

You relaxed, deciding that if Kylo were going to come back and kill you today you'd want to have at least one last orgasm. So you spread your legs and imagined Kylo at the other end of the couch, dipping his head in between your legs and licking you like he always did first. Your fingers followed the direction of his tongue, you closed your eyes and dipped your fingers in your hole as he always did. He always liked tasting you first.

In and out, in and out, slow and steady you mimicked him and it was working, you felt yourself growing even more wet at the image and stimulation. You could see his beautiful eyes perfectly, looking up at you for your approval as he tongue fucked you. You moaned quietly, throwing the blanket over your face so that if anyone were watching maybe they wouldn't see how much you were enjoying this.

Once your fingers were coated enough you moved them back up to your clit, gasping in absolute pleasure at the sensations, you had almost thrown yourself over the edge just by switching the position of your fingers. But you came back down, only then going back to pleasuring yourself. You tried to follow the unpredictable patterns Kylo would lay on your clit but you couldn't finding a much more simpler pattern on your own that you liked a whole lot. Your toes curled in ecstasy as you went from imagining Kylo grinning at you from between your legs to imagining Kylo on top of you, thrusting slowly in and out chasing his own release as well as bringing you quickly to yours.

The concentrated look that only said love and adoration he'd give you every time he fucked you like this, you loved it. You loved him. The way he'd kiss you during the last few seconds until he came, the way his hands would roam up and down your body. You couldn't get enough of him! You pushed yourself over the edge thinking about how he lovingly ran his fingers through your hair as you sucked him off the night he found out you were jealous over him. That was the first time you had ever enjoyed having his cock in your mouth and he responded by being gentle with you instead of pulling painfully at your hair or slapping you. You cried out, feeling yourself gush as you came all over your fingers and the couch, you were sure the blanket was now ruined with your juices.

Afterword, you stared at the ceiling once more. That was so bad, so sinful, you started crying at how desperate you were for him. You needed him, your body craved him.

You loved him. The scary part was you really didn't know why.

 

You showered alone. You dried yourself off alone. You dressed alone. You were alone.

You grabbed yourself a bowl full of strawberries for breakfast and ate them while watching the sunrise. Your fingers, your fingers that just an hour earlier were glued to your cunt were now going over the front of your sketch book. You didn't want to get involved in another sketch when you knew your life would come to an end soon.

But after five minutes you couldn't stand the boredom, you flipped through to your last drawing, the picture you had started of Kylo. You sighed heavily, would it be worth finishing? Maybe it would be, maybe you should start a different drawing instead. You couldn't decide. You looked around his quarters for something to draw, anything, but you found nothing. Nothing interested you but the portrait of Kylo, so you worked on that.

You worked on it until the noise of a power surge went off all around you. You looked up as the TV turned itself off, you had no lights on since it was now afternoon so you had just thought the TV failed. You clicked the remote but it never came back to life. That's when you first suspected that the power was cut.

You made your way over to the dining room light and switched it on but the lights never came on. “Fuck.” You whispered under your breath. With a grimace you moved to the kitchen and opened the fridge, it was not humming like it normally did and the light at the top did not come on. Likewise, when you tried to turn on the stove it did not turn on either. Someone had cut the power.

You stood in the kitchen and thought, trying not to panic. This could mean so many different things! Maybe he wasn't coming back at all, maybe he was on his way back tonight and wanted you to be afraid all day long, maybe he wanted you to freeze to death. Who knew. You tried to think logically: Maybe a technician fell asleep during his job and forgot to flip a switch. Yes, logically that made sense. Power failure. You were sure the lights would be back on before you knew it. So you went to the back and retrieved a blanket (one that wasn't soaked with your cum) and sat to work on your drawing of Kylo.

Daylight came and went. Now you were sitting in the dark at the dining room, having almost finished your picture you were disappointed and afraid. The lights had not come on like you imagined they would. What now?

The memory of the bath you and Kylo shared with the bath bombs came to mind, he had candles that night! He must keep some stashed around his quarters somewhere. It was almost impossible to navigate around with just what little bits of the moonlight there were to help you. You had stubbed your toes on multiple things and walked into numerous walls by the time you had found yourself in the bathroom. They must be kept in there somewhere, you didn't remember Kylo leaving the bathroom at all that night. If not he must keep them in the bedroom.

Try as you might you could not feel you way around the bathroom to find the candles. It was too damn dark! You'd have better luck in the bedroom, at least if the power did not come back on overnight you'd have an easier time looking in the bathroom when there was sunlight. But you didn't know where to look, the bedroom was almost as dark as the bathroom was and there were way more places to look for candles in the bedroom than in the bathroom. You had no other option than to crawl into bed and try to sleep. It was too dark to draw and you had little else to do with no power and no Kylo. Before you went to bed, you switched on the lamp on your bedside table, that way if you woke up in the middle of the night or in the morning you'd be happy, not discouraged.

 

But alas, when you woke up the next morning the light was not on, and you were still alone. With a frown you got up to look for the candles in the bathroom. You found none, scaled every inch in search for candles and matches but there weren't any. So you went through the hiding spots in the bedroom, no such luck. Where the hell had Kylo gotten those candles? _Ugh._

It wasn't worth worrying about right now, the power had to come on today. You trusted Kylo when he said The First Order was top dog when it came to technology, surely they couldn't let the power stay off for more than 24 hours. And what about Kylo? He'd surely come today! He thought you were dead, he'd want your body disposed of as soon as possible, wouldn't he?

There was really nothing to worry about. The only thing you had to worry about at the moment was eating, you were starving. When you opened the fridge you came to the realization that most of the food in there was perishable, fruits and veggies and the like. They'd go bad if the power was out for another few days (not that you were counting on it). So for breakfast you had strawberries and bananas.

 

You continued to work on your drawing for the remainder of the day, occasionally going back and getting another blanket to wrap yourself in while you worked-you were freezing. You had never seen a thermostat in Kylo's quarters, but if you had to guess it was at least 40 degrees right now. Your toes and fingers tingled, it was not cold enough to get frostbite however, so you didn't worry about the cold. The power would be on soon, Kylo would be back to kill you.

Once it got too dark to draw you grabbed yourself an apple and a bowl of frozen peas, better to eat the peas cold as best as you could before they went bad. You ate your sad dinner in the bed and looked out at the moon. It was full and very big, part of it hidden behind the trees. It made you feel so empty. You missed staring at the moon and the stars with Eli, sometimes with Kylo as well. Could the moon see Kylo too?

 

 

Days went by, the power never came back on. You spent your days drawing Kylo, exercising as best as you could in the cold, and reorganizing his quarters. It felt like the temperature was dropping every day. By the first week, you were sure it had reached 20 degrees. Your teeth clattered day in and day out, you were shivering constantly. You had took to wearing Kylo's robes around the house as well, his giant black robes dragged gracefully on the floor behind you like royal coattails, you had to pull the sleeves back so your hands could fit through when you needed them.

They smelled like him.

You were very weak and hungry, Kylo had only gotten enough food to make snacks and the occasional meal, but the fridge had not been restocked in quite some time. Instead of having an apple for breakfast, some frozen carrots and celery for lunch, and four or five crackers with cheese slices for dinner, you ate half an apple for breakfast and the other half for dinner. There was not enough food left to eat lunches anymore.

At the week and a half mark you held your completed photo of Kylo in your rapidly shivering hands. He was beautiful. You took the time to make sure the scar was right, even going out of your way to write what you'd love to do to it if he allowed: To Kiss and to Heal it. You smiled, Kylo is no doubt a gorgeous man, but he didn't see it. It made you feel awful. In big, cursive letters you wrote the word “Beautiful” next to his head, hopefully he'd see it and appreciate his beauty before he killed you. Maybe he'd even spare you.

But then anger took over, he had promised that he'd never leave you again. Yet here you were, all alone and freezing and starving to death without him. You wanted to tear up the picture, to spit on it as if you were spitting in his face. He could die for all you cared! If he didn't care if you lived or died here alone why should you care about him and what he's doing without you? You angrily threw the picture to the floor, it landed closer to the blaster doors on its front. That was Kylo, for you, always breaking promises.

 

Two weeks. You had been alone in the dark and the cold for two weeks. You cried every day, missing your regular food, missing heat, and missing Kylo's company. You needed him, you would not survive for much longer without him. You had rationed out your food, all of the meat and cheese went bad, so had most of the fruits. That day all you had to eat was a cold home made mashed potato.

Two and a half weeks. You hadn't eaten anything in two days. You trembled under every blanket in the house, your tears weren't stopping. You knew this would surely be the end. You were going to freeze to death in Kylo's quarters, you wondered if when he came home he'd be angry that you had survived for so long. You were even angry that you had survived this long, you wished Kylo would have killed you that day, at least then you wouldn't be suffering like you were right now.

You called out to the only person that would have helped you. “Kylo!” You screeched from under your blanket fort, thinking maybe he could hear you with the force. “Kylo! Help! Please, please.” You sounded so defeated, you could hardly recognize your own voice. You wept, you could feel the life and your will to live draining out of you while you sat on his bed. You screamed for him in your head, thinking that maybe you had the force and could call out to him instead. But nothing happened, you were still alone, your stomach hurting and craving food and your skin now numb to the cold.

You dragged yourself out of bed and into his closet, thinking if you were going to die it wouldn't be polite to die in his bed under all of his blankets, you'd rather die in his closet. At least if you died there he could clean all of his clothing more easily than his mattress. You wept some more, burying your face in his clothing and accepting your death. You found it easy to sleep on the floor of his closet, using a shirt for a pillow and his robe for a blanket, it was so strange. It felt like the best sleep you had in years.

 

Until you woke up. Yelling, crashing, whizzing, buzzing. You were confused, had you died and gone to hell? Was that the devil out there making all that noise. Slowly and weakly you dragged yourself to the closet door where you peaked under the slit at the bottom, you recognized those boots. “Kylo!” You said under your breath. You so badly wanted to run into his arms, to hug him and tell him how much you missed him. But another part of you wanted to run from him, to hide in this closet forever. Especially since he was throwing a fit out in the bedroom.

So you shrank away from him, moving slowly to the back of the closet. Maybe when he had calmed down you'd make your presence known.

Or maybe you'd die first. You'd die because on your way back to the back of the closet you had pulled on one of his shirts which had knocked down a pair of his boots from the top shelf, causing more shirts to fall and lots of noise. Kylo's sounds from the bedroom stopped, you could hear his boots thudding toward the closet so you nearly dove into the pile of clothing that was knocked over.

The door was kicked open, you could hear his lightsaber thrashing and cutting its way through his clothing. If he wasn't careful he'd burn you! You were still alive and at that point you didn't want to die anymore. You wanted him to hold you, to warm you up, to feed you, to take care of you. You wanted him, the Kylo that you fell in love with, not the Kylo that was about to kill you.

You felt him removing the clothing you had hidden yourself under, and once he got to you the look on his face was that of surprise. His mouth hung open and his eyes were budging out of his head. “Y/n, my love! You're alive!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised I still got this out on Sunday (EST)! Right now I'm trying to finish a chapter before I post a chapter, and I honestly think I've only got three or so more chapters to go. Baby Jam makes it kinda hard to edit and write cause he requires so much attention, so thank you for being so patient with me!


	24. Honey Moon Phase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters to write just about....I can totally see the end of this fic in the near future.

He carried you quickly through the hallways and you quietly observed everyone observing you. Kylo had warmed you up substantially, even let you keep his robes on to wherever you two were going. You felt like you were having an out of body experience, like Kylo being excited to see you alive and taking you to wherever he was wasn't really happening to you. You stared up at him, he had a concerned look on his face, his scar was red and puffy, badly infected.

_You weren't around to bandage and put ointment on it._

You leaned your head back and shut your eyes, maybe now he was really taking you somewhere to kill you. “Y/n, keep your eyes open.” There was a sense of urgency in his voice, he still cared for you. Even after strangling you to death and leaving you for dead in his freezing cold quarters, he wanted your eyes open so he could tell you were still alive.

You realized he never wanted to kill you.

You found yourself being carried into a huge room with lots of important looking people. When you and Kylo entered they looked at you in awe. “Get the hell out, now!” You could see the fear play on their faces as they all shuffled quickly out of the room the second Kylo shouted the command. Once everyone was gone the door slammed shut and was locked, now you were alone with Kylo. He set you down next to a wall, a sudden warmth made you look over to see you were sitting next to a fire place that was now glowing with flames. You welcomed the warmth, shedding Kylo's robe and revealing your nightgown.

You closed your eyes and took it all in. Two weeks of being cold, and here you sat in front of a warm fire, it felt amazing. “How did you survive?” Kylo asked you as he sat down next to you and pulled you into his lap, your back was flush with his chest. “Survive what? You smothering me?” He was quiet, you could feel his remorse come through his hands which held yours, further warming you up. “When my door isn't opened by me in 24 hours they shut the power off. How did you live?” You shrugged, snuggling into him. You were mad it him, sure. But you missed his touch, so you took as much of it as you could. “I don't know. I thought I was gonna die.” You wanted to cry, but you couldn't. You were too shell shocked.

“I- I thought-” Kylo stammered, trying to form his words.

“You tried to kill me.” He sighed, lowered his head to yours and kept his face in your hair. “I wasn't-”

“You said you'd never leave me!” Your life, ever since Kylo had forced his way into it, had been nothing but lies and broken promises. Why couldn't Kylo just be normal? Why can't he just be a normal person who gave you flowers and kissed you and took you out on dates? Why did he have to beat you and kill you and rape you? You just didn't understand, you didn't understand why you had to be with him, why he loved you and you loved him. None of it made any type of sense.

“I hate hurting you. I can't help myself, it's-” You heard him sniffle in your hair, he was crying. “I'm just so happy I didn't kill you. You mean so much to me and-”

“You said I deserved better than you!” As if the fire were boiling you, anger bubbled inside of your chest. “That's why you tried to kill me, you said you were a monster and I didn't deserve to be with a monster!”

'”Y/n!” He yelled to get you to stop yelling at him, you jumped in his lap. “I am a selfish man. I love you and you belong to me. I felt like I didn't deserve you because you had done nothing to deserve being with a hideous man like myself with my scar. I looked in the mirror that morning and thought I was a monster, I really did. I thought I was going to hurt you, and I didn't want to see you hurt. I never wanted to see you hurt, so I did what I thought was best at the time.”

You could feel his tears dampen your hair. “It was wrong, y/n. I know it was. I couldn't control myself. Every day I was gone I beat myself up over it, it was my fault you were dead and I knew it. That's when I knew there was no going back, when you kill the one you love it scars you worse than the scar on my face.”

He stopped speaking to you and for a moment all there was were his sobs. Every now and again he'd say something a long the lines of “I'm so sorry,” or “I'm so ashamed.” You were torn once more, torn between embracing Kylo and telling him every thing would be okay, and torn between running as far away as you could get from him. There was, however, one thing on your mind. “Kylo.” You shook him out of his own state of mind. “I'm hungry.”

 

You had eventually warmed up enough to sit comfortably on the couch in front of the fire place in whatever room you were in. Kylo had plenty of food sent there and you nearly choked as you inhaled the delicious meat and veggies. Kylo observed you, he still had that look of love in his eyes. You ignored him. It had occurred to you at that moment that he had completely destroyed the bedroom, when you emerged in his arms the bed sat around the room in three different pieces. “Where will we go tonight?” He had looked over at you, up from his tablet.

He had a wild look in his eyes, a wild look of determination. Sort of like the day he told you he wanted a family with you, that same look of want, need, determination, and love. What came out of his mouth next shook and will forever shake you to your core. “We go on our Honey Moon.”

“What?” A chill ran up your spine.

“I intend to marry you tonight.”

“What!?” You wondered when your life became such a roller coaster, when all of these new experiences first started to be thrown at you. It seemed like just yesterday Kylo was calling you useless and saying you could die because you were easily replaceable. Now here he was, determined to start a family with you and marry you, all after nearly killing you-twice! “Why?” It was the only thing that you could allow yourself to say other than scream and run away. Kylo got up, walked over to you and kneeled down in front of you, you cringed inwardly at the sight of him on one knee. “Because it's the only way I can prove to you that I love you.” He took your hands in his and rubbed his thumbs over your fingers, you could see the start of tears in his eyes once more. “It's also the only way I can make myself stop hurting you.”

None of this made sense. How exactly would two rings and a piece of paper stop Kylo from hurting you? You knew marriage was a symbol of love, but would a marriage to Kylo be an indication of your love with each other? You knew the fiery passion he had for you, he practically oozed love for you at any given time. But could you love him the same way?

It didn't matter, you told yourself. Because Kylo just took whatever he want from you, including you hand in marriage. “You, you can just promise me, Kylo. You don't have to marry me.” You tried to make yourself not panic further, afraid Kylo would play off of your fear and throw something else at you that you weren't expecting. His brows furrowed as he pondered your question. “How many times have I done that already, y/n? How many times have I beat you with my own two hands, apologized, and then done it again? I can't keep my own promises, you know that.” The fire crackled in the background, you were happy to have some sort of background noise while you drank in everything that Kylo was telling you.

“But marriage, it's something sacred. Something that's not meant to be broken. Something that even my own parents couldn't keep together. I _love_ you, no matter what happens I always will. It's the only promise I can make to you that I know I can keep.” He stared, waiting on your response but you had none for him. You really weren't opposed to the idea of marriage to Kylo, but that was only because you had no choice and you knew you had no choice from the moment it came from him mouth. You were his prisoner, starting out as his whore and you'd end as his wife. You couldn't help that he was so attracted to you, and to an extent you to him. To you, it was just another way for him to claim you as his own, and no matter what you did you could not stop it.

“I will have new clothes sent here, we will be married tonight. Then we will go on our honey moon.”

“Who-who will marry us?” He stopped halfway to his tablet dead in his own tracks. You were curious, did the First Order have priests that married people? Did people in the First Order even get married? Or would it be Snoke, or the ginger general man? “None of those people will. They don't even know that you're alive.” His tone went from excited to solemn, he had told everyone you were dead. You knew Kylo didn't want to look like an idiot, especially in front of Snoke. What would even happen to him if he presented you to him after he told Snoke you were dead?

“Okay, love. Honey Moon first and _then_ we will marry.”

 

Kylo had a red shirt and plain black leggings sent to the room for you. For shoes he gave you some gold t strap sandals that strapped part way up your ankle. As you laced them up you noticed he was coming toward you with a sack. “What is that-” He threw it over your head and tightened it around your neck. You screamed, thinking that he was now trying to kill you for the third time. “Shhhh...love. Shh. I won't hurt you.” With one hand he held the soft satin bag on your head, the other he slowed your struggling. “Shhh....” He said as he placed a kiss on your cheek from atop the bag. “Everyone thinks you're dead, it needs to stay that way. Don't be afraid, please.”

You calmed yourself, that explanation made sense to you. It didn't stop you from being a nervous wreck though. Kylo wasn't a very trustworthy person, but for some reason he was asking you to put all of your trust in him to lead you to your honey moon and not straight to your death (again). Of course you were afraid!

He took a hold of your wrists and urged you forward, you heard the door open and could here a small hustle and bustle from outside. When you had been take from the bedroom the sun had been setting, it was sure to be late evening or night time by now. You had turned your head from side to side, seeing if you could manipulate the light coming through the sack to see where you were going, but it didn't work. “Keep your eyes forward.” Kylo's voice was rigid, that's when you realized he didn't have his helmet with him. “What about your-”

“Shut up, prisoner.” You recognized the anger in Kylo's voice, but knew Kylo was just putting on a show for the people around him. You weren't a prisoner of the First Order, you were his prisoner. A prisoner on her way to get married to her captor. “We're going back to retrieve it now,” He whispered in your ear.

The two of you marched throughout the hallways, even though you couldn't see the other people marching around you, you could feel their stares. They wouldn't be able to tell it was _you,_ would they? Every time they had seen you, Kylo Ren's lover/whore, you were dressed in a black dress with your hair and other accessories done nicely. Now you were in something completely different-you couldn't even remember the last time you had worn pants. You were afraid you would run into the General, wondered what he'd do or say to Ren as he escorted a girl through out the base. Perhaps, what would be even scarier would be the lieutenant. What in the world would she think of she saw Kylo carting what she would think is a brand new woman around? You were afraid she'd try and attack you upon seeing your faceless body

“Don't be ridiculous, y/n.” He whispered your name, you could barely hear it above the rustling of the sack. “After almost losing you once I won't put you in danger again. They can try but they won't succeed in bringing you harm.” You nodded, from the strain in his quiet voice you knew he didn't want you talking.

After walking for what seemed like an eternity he stopped you, yanking on your wrists. As you stood gently swaying back and forth to calm yourself, you suddenly found yourself completely frozen by the Force. Your nerves stood on end, you repeated in your head over and over again that Kylo would not hurt you. This was all just a game, really. But for all you knew he had just stood you in front of a giant, extremely quiet, crowed to end your life.

But no, that's not what happened. You could hear his blaster doors open and close again, then you were given control of your body and forced to walk again. _His helmet,_ you remembered.

 

Some time later you could hear mechanical noises and flying sounds, he had led you to the hangar. The sound of his command shuttle's ramp coming down indicated wherever he was taking you, you'd be cooped up in his bunker till you made it. One he had taken you back and sat you down on his bed he removed the sack from your head, the sudden light in the room caused you to squint.

“Where do you want to spend our Honey Moon?” His mask stared down at you, hiding his emotions. You had never been to any other planets other than Oceri and Star Killer Base, so you had no idea. He had named off several planets you had never even heard the name of, named off several things to do and places to eat on each. You were still dumbfounded. “None of those sound appealing to you?” You shook your head, why would they sound appealing if you had never done any of those things before? He sighed, which sounded like static coming through the modulator of his mas. “What _do_ you like to do then?”

Thinking back to some of the books you had read in the past, you recalled a common vacation spot for people was the beach. It was almost like playing in the snow, sand castles, volley ball, playing in the water, surfing, skiing, and burying yourself in the sand. It sounded like a good place to spend a honey moon for a marriage that was forced on you. “I want to go to the beach.” You said with a smile. “Which beach?” The smile quickly melted away. You had no idea there was more than one beach! “I don't know. I just want to go to a beach.”

“I will choose then. Get some rest, I will wake you when we get there.” He said to you, turning on his heel and leaving you in the bunker.

You felt the shuttle take off and began flying. You recalled the last time you were here you had Eli with you. Oh, how you wished you could take Eli with you to the beach. He was so curious, liked to have so much fun. There wasn't anyone you'd rather take a vacation with then him. With a heavy sigh, you relaxed onto the bed, trying to take Kylo's advice on sleeping. But for some reason you couldn't.

The part of you that was excited to be back in Kylo' company reached out to him, swinging your legs over the side of the bed and making your way to the cockpit after thirty minutes of relaxing on the bed. Once you made it out there you noticed Kylo was the one flying, you had never seen him fly himself anywhere before. “You can fly?” Kylo turned the visor of his mask slightly toward you. “I thought I told you to rest.” You did something you wouldn't normally do in the moment, and that was go against what Kylo had told you to do. Making your way through the cockpit and past him you took a seat in the copilots seat.

“Can't sleep.” You looked out at the stars, realizing you were not traveling at light speed like how he normally traveled. Every thing was beautiful, every twinkling star, every other flying ship, the deep obsidian of space. The only time you had ever seen anything like it was during your time on the Finalizer, but it wasn't wide open in front of you like a giant movie screen. Mesmerizing didn't even begin to describe how captivated you were.

Next to you, Kylo removed his helmet and switched the shuttle to Auto Pilot. “Love?” You hummed to him in response, not wanting to take your eyes off of the view. “Did you really mean it when you called me beautiful in your drawing?” _Oh._ He had found the drawing you did of him. You had forgotten all about that thing once you had accepted your death in his bed, toward the end of his disappearance. The last time you saw it you had thrown it to the ground cause you were so angry at him.

“Yeah. Your scar is beautiful.” You smiled, still not looking at him. You were suddenly very happy he had found the picture, you could hear how appreciative he was in his voice when he asked you that question. It was probably the reason why he could walk around without his helmet on for that amount of time. “But you should let me doctor it when we land, it's getting infected.” You finally rolled your head to face him, he was staring out as well. “It does hurt.”

“Well, there's bound to be a doctor wherever you're taking us. They'll have antibiotics and other things we'll need.” You noticed that, while it was infected, it looked like it had gotten marginally better than when you had seen it last. It was healing. “At least it's healing.” You took a look back at the stars once more, sitting in comfortable silence with Kylo. “Y/n.” He broke the silence after a while. You hummed again. “Come here.”

You obediently took his hand and made his way into his lap, snuggling into his arms. He was so clingy! How many times have you found yourself in his lap since he returned for you? How many times had you been the one to make that decision, not him? Not that you minded, his touches satisfied your cravings for him and you found you just couldn't be mad at him anymore. But you knew Kylo, and you didn't need force powers to know what he was thinking.

“I love you, and I forgive you.” Was all you could say to him without making anything awkward. In reply, he kissed the top of your head.

 

The journey continued to go smoothly, till he urged you out of his lap and onto the cockpit floor. “We'll be landing soon, go have a seat and I'll come get you when we're ready to leave.” He began pressing buttons and pulling levers, then grabbed a hold of the steering wheel. “Can't I stay out here?” You said as you took in the sight of a watery looking planet coming into view. It looked beautiful, you never thought you'd see an entire planet made up of mostly water before! “Fine. Buckle up, quickly.” You grinned as you sat in the chair and began buckling up your seatbelts. “And don't touch anything!” You looked over at him and nodded, noting that although his voice was very rough and to the point, he was playing with you.

You circled the planet until you had seen a bit of sand, and as you pulled in closer you could see one or two other ships that were docking where Kylo was beginning to dock his command shuttle. “Welcome to Hoplora. You'll never find a more beautiful ocean and more beautiful bodies of water than you will here.” It didn't look like there was a lot of people around, but either way you were excited. This was an actual beach that you'd get to do things in, not just read about in books! As soon as you had safely landed you were scrambling to unbuckle yourself, ready to throw yourself into the ocean and submerge yourself in the waves.

“Y/n, you need to slow down. You must stick with me.” He said as he took your arm and led you out toward the ramp. “I won't lose you again.”

So arm in arm, Kylo led you out of the shuttle and across to a building. You looked out over the boardwalk and out into the ocean. You inhaled the scent, not overly salty, you loved it. He brought you into the building and your eyes couldn't believe what you saw. Royalty was the only word you could use to describe it. It felt like you were standing in a palace, rich reds and yellows greeted you with plush couches and small fake waterfalls on the walls. “Where are we?” You asked as Kylo walked you up to a desk

“I've told you, Hoplora. It's a planet harvested mostly for vacations, this is a hotel but we won't be staying in it.” You were too in awe to be confused, but once they sunk in you felt sad. This place was amazing! Why couldn't you two stay here?

“We need your most expensive suite. On the water.” The person behind the counter looked up from the computer and immediately looked panicked. “Lord Ren!” He jumped up, dropping the wireless mouse to the floor in the process. You couldn't hold back the giggle. “Whatever you want you can take it, sir. I-I have no issues with you or the First Order. Take our credits, take our gold, take out-”

“All I want is a key card for one of the suites on an island. I don't need your credits.” The man stopped cowering for a second to process what Kylo was saying to him. “Certainly Lord Ren!” He picked the mouse up off the floor and began rapidly clicking something on the computer. “Who-who is....what name should I put the-”

“What do you think?” One benefit to spending so much time with Kylo was you learned to recognize the differences in the tones of his voice, learned to read his pitches and his fluctuations. What he just said to the poor man behind the counter was something Kylo often did to you, he was playing with him. His tone was mostly angry but he was having fun with him. Not that the man was having fun with Kylo, but Kylo was having fun tormenting him.

It was so weird to think a few months ago you had no power, but now, if you ever crossed this man, he'd no doubt be afraid of you. Kylo's power would now extend out to you since you were going to be his wife. When you were with Larkin no one would ever look your way, but now you'd be the center of attention, Queen of the Knights of Ren. Again, your smile couldn't be stopped.

Eventually, the man handed Kylo a key card and sent you on your way. “Take two lefts and you'll be on the islands, house number 3!” He held a nervous grin as he saw you two off in the right direction. Over your shoulder you waved and let out a small “thank you,” you felt like the poor man deserved it after he probably shit his pants over Kylo. “Hail the First Order!” He said just as you stepped out of the door.

As you approched suite number three your mouth gaped and you stared in more awe. You were suddenly happy you didn't stay in that hotel, for this suite (if you could even call it that) was much fancier than the hotel was. It was about the size of a one story house, had one large door and two large windows out front, made entirely of gorgeous mahogany. “How much did this cost you Kylo?” He inserted the key card and opened the door. “Absolutely nothing.” Inside was breath taking. Marble floors, walls covered in gorgeous decorative art, two gorgeous sofas sat right in front of one another with a long black coffee table in the middle. The TV was bigger than any TV you had ever seen before.

The entire kitchen was stainless steel, it was illuminated with spotlights and had a wine cabinet full of delicious wines, some that you had never even heard of. Everything about this place screamed riches and royalities.

“One of the perks of being the Commander of the First Order.” You looked over at him and saw he had removed his mask. “Oh! Let me check for some medical supplies. We need to-” He grabbed you by the elbow and pulled you over to one of the couching, at the same time moving the coffee table out of the way. “First, we should reacquaint ourselves with one another.” He squatted between your legs and began pulling your pants and underwear down. “No, no Kylo! We need to fix your scar. You couldn't possibly-Oh!” He licked a slow stripe up your slit, it immediately sent ripples of pleasure through your body.

“I saw your memories, how you touched yourself imagining my mouth. Don't you miss it, y/n?” He didn't even give you a chance to answer, just plunged his tongue in you again. You watched his scar carefully, knowing this action would not be good for it, the way it slightly rubbed against your thigh. “Your-Your-Kylo!” He ran his tongue over your clit twice, going nice and slow just like you like it. “I can make it quick, don't worry love.”

So you did the only thing you could do in the moment, you lounged on the couch and enjoyed his mouth, you were starting to understand the appeal of oral sex over vaginal, like Kylo. You found your toes curling and your heels digging into his back, your fingers curling in his hair and your head leaning back. You came quickly and moaned loudly, just the way Kylo liked it. As you came undone he pulled your cunt closer to his face and moaned, licking at you with abandon. You watched his black hair as it bounced up and down with every lap. When he was done he left you shaking, fearing if your cunt touched even the couch you'd jump at the over stimulation

When he stood and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, you fully intended to return the favor. It was too late for you, your judgment was clouded with lust and sex to be rational about his scar. You hungrily reached for his belt and began unbuckling, biting your lip and looking into his eyes as you did. Blowing him still wasn't your favorite thing in the world, but if he was always nice enough to eat you you felt like you owed it to him every once and a while.

However, he swatted your hands away, swiftly grabbing your chin and tilting your view away from his crotch. His erection was just begging for your attention. “Not yet. Let's go fix my scar up first.”

 

You found some antibiotic ointment and some gauze in the bathroom, with which you tended to Kylo's face. After that, you and Kylo were rolling around under the luxury bed sheets, naked and sweaty as he made love to you. Part of the time was spent pinned under him, your wrists held on either side of your head. Another part he allowed you to ride him, your favorite position. But you two ended your fun with you crammed against the headboard, something you had grown to love the more he fucked you in that position.

When he had came he did what he did last time, stayed in and fucked you even though he whimpered with over stimulation. This time he went out of his way to stay inside of you until he had gone completely soft. “Why are you doing that?” You had asked him, the gentle breeze from the balcony door you had left open swayed your hair. “Because,” he said, as he lifted himself from the bed. “I'm going to give you a baby.” You grit your teeth, you were hoping he would have been past this whole baby thing by now. That's when it had occurred to you that this was the first time he had ejaculated inside of you without your birth control.

You could be pregnant within the next few hours.

You shivered and stared outside, you weren't ready. You had even considered scooping his cum out of you in that moment, but you knew he'd stop you, intent on his goal of getting you pregnant. You accepted this as another defeat, just like your marriage. There was absolutely nothing you could do to stop him.

He returned to your side with a big black robe. “Let's sit outside. I've had bathing suits delivered to us. They should be here sometime later and we can go swimming.” Your ears perked up at the word swimming. You nearly snatched the robe from Kylo and covered your body with it and ran out the back door.

Outside, you and Kylo each got a chair as you lounged under the sun. The ocean was breath taking. It seemed to go on and on endlessly. You imagined all the types of fish swimming below the surface, all types of crustaceans and whales, and plant life. You even thought of all the fantasy creatures like mermaids and mermen. Were they real? Maybe you'd find out today when you got to join them in the water. “What kind of creatures live in this ocean?”

“Lots.” Kylo said, turning his head to you. “More than you could ever imagine.” You smiled to yourself, happy that Kylo was humoring you as he tried to nap on the lounge chair next to you. “I want to see them!” You said happily, sitting up from your chair and running up to the edge of the balcony. You looked down at the waves that crashed into the pillars that were holding you up. “You will. Just relax love.”

When you turned around you got an eyefull. For some reason, Kylo had taken it upon himself to untie his robe and leave it open, baring it all for anyone to see. You took a second to admire his body, the muscles in his chest and his abdomen, his cock in its un aroused state, and his plump, round balls. He had one leg propped up and the other stretched all the way out, a glorious display of his manhood. You felt yourself grow slightly wet at the sight-he was so alluring.

“What are you doing Kylo?” He lifted his sunglasses, the only thing that he had on at the time, and looked at you. “Tanning.” He dropped the glasses back on his nose and rested his head again. You turned back to the ocean, blushing just a bit. Anyone could fly over head and see him, anyone could swim by or float by on a boat and see him, and he wasn't the least bit concerned about it. “There's hardly any sun on Star Killer, it's nice to be warm and tanned instead of cold and pale.” He had a point, you felt like you hadn't seen the sun in forever since you moved to Star Killer.

“Aren't you worried someone will see you?” You figured it'd be bad on him if someone had flown over and taken pictures of Kylo, surely they'd use them to blackmail him and the entire First Order. Even up until Kylo took you you were never one to be so relaxed about nudity. Even being naked for two minutes after showering in your room made you nervous. You and Kylo were so different. “No one will see me. I can sense people coming.” He raised his sunglasses at you again. “You can do it too, you'd look gorgeous with a little bit of a tan.” A bit of red rose in your cheeks at his offer, mostly because it was just that-an offer. Not a demand or a plea, an offer. You had a choice in if you wanted to be nude with him on the balcony.

A choice you struggled to make on your own. You very much enjoyed being naked with Kylo at home, he made you comfortable and you had grown to like not feeling restrictive clothing when you didn't have to. You just didn't know if you could do it out in the open like this. “I've told you, love, there's nothing to worry about. No one will see you-except for me.” You looked at the ocean once more, you would have to trust him. He was very trustworthy in this moment, though. He wasn't demanding you to do anything, you could easily just sit back down with your robe if you wanted to, therefore he'd gain nothing if you said yes or no.

So you did it. You undid your robe and let it pool at your feet standing on the rail. Since he had given you such a good looking view you returned the favor, bending over the rail seductively and looking out over the ocean again. You could feel his smile on you as you warmed your skin. The warmth on your skin felt amazing as did the gentle breeze. You probably desperately needed the vitamin D! You took a deep breath and relaxed, this wasn't so bad. You actually kind of hoped you could do this every day of your honey moon.

 

–

Kylo had a lot of fun staring at the girls backside. Her body was so perfect, from the slope of her back to the curve of her ass. The way her hair swayed in the wind did things to him, even though he had just ejaculated minutes before he felt his cock stir in the warm sun at the sight of her. He smiled at her, she was such a tease. He imagined them fucking on the balcony: On the chairs, over the rail, on the ground on a towel, he found himself gripping his erection just at the thought. But he didn't feel like it, really. Even though it would be good for conception to fill her with his seed again he didn't think he could do it so soon. Just as soon as the girl turned to sit back in the chair he had almost gone back to being flaccid, although from the look on her face he could tell she knew what she had done to him.

When they heard the door knock from throughout the suite he had to practically chase her down to get her to put on the robe. In her excited state she had almost forgotten to re clothe herself. He would have none of it, no one would get to see his future wife like that except for him.

Kylo cringed at the thought. Part of the reason they were taking their Honey Moon first was so he could have time to figure out how to explain to Snoke about what happened and why he had lied to him. For what it was worth, he hadn't lied about her being dead. He thought he had really killed her that day. He had lied about not wanting her back, about how she meant nothing to him. How would he convince Snoke to give him his blessings to marry a woman that he is convinced is a Resistance spy and who he had previously said means nothing to him?

He would have to come right out and say it, maybe he could spin it as some sort of political gain, that he could train her to fight along side him and could send her out to conquer his enemies. Or he could go the route he was already going down: The child. He would need at least one heir, one person to take over the throne after he had passed. That's what his plan was, aside from the fact that he wanted a baby and he wanted to see the girl be happy.

It could work, he would tell Snoke that he didn't want to take a new, random wife when he had already broken down this girl and made her love him. It would be too exhausting for him and he wouldn't even be sure a new woman would want a child as bad as he and y/n did.

“Oh my god Kylo, this is beautiful!” She was sitting on her knees holding out her bathing suit, a gold two piece. Well, technically it was considered a one piece suit because of the braided chain that went from the top piece to the bottom, but from the view it looked to be a two piece to Kylo. He reached down into the box and grabbed his swimming shorts, shedding his robe in the middle of the living room and slipping them on. He encouraged her to do the same, excited to see what she'll look like in the swim suit.

When she had fully slipped it on she stood timid in front of him, glaring up at him looking for approval. She held one of her feet in front of the other and gingerly played with the chain that lay across her stomach. “It's perfect.” He said, smiling at his future wife. He didn't imagine it would look t _his g_ ood on her. “So silly.” He chuckled as he moved past her toward the door. “What?” She said with a tone of annoyance. “You're so silly.”

“What did I do?” Kylo turned to see she had taken several steps toward him, she was ready to go outside. “Ten minutes ago we were both naked on the balcony, now you're standing in front of me in a gorgeous swim suit and you're acting shy.” She looked down and continued to play with the chain, a small smile spreading across her face. “I, I don't know. I've never worn anything this nice before.” Kylo opened the door and gently pushed her out of the door and back into the sunshine. “Well, we'll change that as soon as we get home.” He thought back to her wardrobe, the only thing she ever wore on a regular basis was her night gown. Things would change. She was to be his wife, he was going to shower her in luxurious clothes whether she wanted to wear them or not.

 


	25. Bloodshed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this chapter I was pregnant but when I ended it I had a baby....so cool.

Kylo must have taken you to every section of the beach imaginable on the planet-and it was just as much fun as you thought it would be. You hadn't imagine different colored sands, some were blue, some were yellow, some were even pink! You thought you could have played in the sand all day long, building little sand castles and drawing pictures with your fingers. Kylo didn't really follow suit, though. He was much happier sitting on a towel behind you and overseeing your fun, telling you where to add shells to your castles and what to add next.

He even got you a large jar to collect sand in, you piled the colors up like a rainbow over the next few days. One evening you and Kylo went on a walk on the beaches and just collected shells that looked interesting: Different shapes, sizes, colors, and patterns. You just couldn't get enough. You added every single one you could fit into the jar on top of the final layer of pink sand, this would be a wonderful keepsake for years to come!

You two ate a whole lot of seafood while you were there. Your favorite dish was steamed lobster tail. Kylo didn't get it, he hated lobster and often would go with shrimp instead, something you didn't understand because you had heard someone say shrimp were the cockroaches of the ocean once. Why would you want to eat cockroaches? “Can we get this food at home too?” You asked Kylo one night as you both sat across from each other holding hands over the table. “Of course, I didn't know you liked seafood like this. I was worried you had an allergy.” You shrugged, slipping your hand under his. “You never asked.”

“Well you never told me.” You both smiled at each other, Kylo took another sip of his wine and ran his thumb over your knuckles. You looked down at where your hands were touching, his hands were so big, they engulfed your small ones so easily. Somewhere along the road Kylo had told you about a saying, “You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet.” He wanted to know if it rang true for him. Of course it was true, you just hadn't noticed how big his hands were until now. You would have to be weary of other men with bigger hands and feet from now on.

His thumb ran over your 4th digit, he stared at it with compassion. “Y/n.” He said, you tore your eyes from his hands and looked up at him. “This is your wedding ring.” He pulled a small black box out of his pocket and opened it in front of you. In sat two beautiful, shimmering, silver rings. One of them was smaller, had what seemed to be a black diamond on top of it and smaller rubies down the band. The other was much bigger, silver with a black stripe on the band.

Kylo was just full of surprises while on your honey moon! He must have gotten them while you were napping in the living room on day five, every other time you had always been together. “Why are you giving it to me now?” You could have sworn official wedding rings were to be presented at the ceremony, which certainly wasn't happening right now. He took the smaller of the two rings and slipped it onto your ring finger, passing his thumb over the diamond momentarily and sighing. “Because even if Snoke does not allow me to marry you, the ring still remains the same. I love you, y/n, with all of my heart and I want this ring to be a symbol of my love to you.

“It's a promise that, for as long as we are together, I will never lay my hands on you in an unloving way again. A promise that if you get lost or run away I'll always be there to find you and bring you back home. A promise to take care of you, y/n, my wife.” He lifted your fingers and kissed the ring, all the while many emotions were flying through your mind.

The part of you that hated Kylo and was afraid of him for every bad thing he had ever done for you wanted to expel the ring from your finger. You wanted to run to the bedroom, jump off of the balcony, and swim away. This was a dangerous game he was playing with you, you had no reason to believe him when he made these promises, and the one about you running away scared you so much. What if you were put into a situation where you _had_ to get away? Could he still keep his promise if he caught you running away from him?

The logical part of you was saying it didn't really matter, because you were certain had you gotten away before the rings were introduced he'd be on your heels the entire time and would drag you back to him dead or alive. There was also no real promise in the rings, he could be saying this to you today and then beating you tomorrow. They were just rings, things, material possessions. Not symbols of love and promises or anything like that.

The part of you that loved Kylo, however, trusted him. That part of you knew he loved you, could see the anger and disappointment in himself at every cut, bruise, and mark he left on you as well as every drop of blood you lost at his hand. He went out of his way to take you to this beautiful planet to take you for your very first beach experience, to get you these gorgeous and expensive rings. You knew he was being sincere, and that he'd do everything he could to not hurt you again. It was touching, especially when his eyes went glassy while he examined your ring.

“Kylo?” He lifted his eyes to yours, a small tear running down his face. “What if...” You bit your lip, would this be a good idea? You had a right to know if he was forcing your hand in marriage, didn't you? “What if it doesn't work?” The look he gave you sent a heavy pit to your stomach, he looked like he was about to get angry, leaning back and dropping your hand to the table. He had slipped his own ring on his finger, twirling it about and looking at it. “Then we will cross that road when we get there.”

Another way of saying he didn't want to talk about it.

You wanted to believe him, you wanted to be happy together. “Why won't Snoke let us be married?” You said as you pressed your thumb into the diamond on your ring. “I-I said some things to him that would indicate I am not interested in marrying you, or in keeping you alive.” Kylo must have seen the way your face lit up in fear, as he reached out and grabbed your hand once more, pulling you nearly across the table toward him.

“None of it was true, I love you. He just believed you got in my way. He believed you were toxic to me.” You noted that he was speaking in past tense, making you all the more nervous. “Oh. Well how will you, er, fix it?” You suddenly felt like you were stepping all over eggshells talking about the subject, you felt like he'd get angry at you for asking when it didn't appear that he already had a plan in place. He fiddled with your ring on your finger and took a deep breath. “I'll tell him I was wrong, that you weren't dead afterall. Then I'll tell him I want to procreate with you, something that would be frowned upon without being married. He knows I'll need an heir, someone to take over the Order after I've died. I just have to make it seem like you're still my pleasure slave, make it seem like I don't love you.”

You should have been more disgusted with what he just said, but you weren't. You didn't even know what he said about you, or what Snoke said to him, you probably didn't even want to know. So you simply nodded your head at him, sunk down into your chair thinking that you'd be married to this man soon, but most of everyone around him will still think you're nothing but a whore.

Why couldn't your life just be normal?

“No one else matters, love. No one else but you and me.” Your eyes met his, he had a point. You had spent most of your time in his quarters anyway, you assumed you'd be spending the rest of your days there, even after you were married.

“Do you want to go back to the pond? Today is the last day of our Honey Moon. We'll be back on Star Killer tomorrow morning.” Kylo had told you your trip would only be a week and a half, you had lost track of time and now felt sad as he reminded you.

 

He had taken you to the secluded pond a few minutes into the woods behind the hotel a few days ago. It was like something right out of one of your dreams. There was a waterfall, lilly pads, rocks jutting out from the middle, and it smelled wonderful. The first time he brought you here you had food with you and ate lunch on the bank, now you two were fully dressed in your swimming suits ready to take a dip.

You waded in, Kylo was right behind you. The water felt great, unlike the ocean water which was normally quite cold when you first got in. It was warm, the bed of soft rocks you were walking on tickled your feet slightly. You felt like a mermaid as you dove under, opening your eyes and, through the blurry water, seeing lots of colorful fish and plants. As you came back up you realized how lonely you'd be back on Star Killer, Kylo would return to working and you'd be left to do whatever in his quarters alone.

“Will I be able to have more freedom when we're married?” You asked Kylo as he took ahold of your hips, hoisting you onto a nearby rock. “Maybe. We will see.” You rested your head back and relaxed as Kylo ran his tongue over your collar bone. He couldn't be bothered with your requests for more freedom as he unlatched the chain from the bottom of your bikini and pulled it off with his teeth, dropping it into the water next to the rock. You watched it float away as he kissed his way back up your body, sucking a mark into your neck and making you moan quietly.

“Will you take me all around the base?”

“I may.” He stood as best as he could on the rock and grinded into you, you could feel his erection straining against his now wet swim shorts. “Won't you show me to all of your colleagues?” Kylo looked you in the eye as he fished out his cock, from the way his jaw was slightly slacking you could tell he was turned on by what you were saying. You thought it was strange, but then you saw it as a way to get him to give you what you wanted.

He mounted you, spreading your knees with his own and began teasing your sex with his cock. “I-I should.” You smiled at his smile, ran your hands over his bare back as you welcomed him into your body. “Don't you want everyone to know that I am your wife? That they can't have me?” He groaned loudly as he pushed in. “Yes, y/n. Everyone needs to know you're mine.” In one swift movement he was all the way inside of you, his head pressing against your cervix. “That's why, when I fuck you right now, you're going to be loud.” You let out a soft moan as your walls clenched around him, welcoming him into your body.

Your plan to convince him to give you more freedom was quickly falling apart as you felt your orgasm building with every thrust, every encourgement to scream and moan louder. Eventually, you gave up on it entirely, succumbing to your body and his, taking in every movment, grunt, and groan coming from the two of you.

There was something so erotic about having sex in public. Well, the lake was not really public, no more than your balcony back at your hotel was. It was the risk of being caught in the middle of this pond on a rock with your legs spread wide for Kylo, feet dangling in the air as you took his cock and obediently and wildly yelling at the pleasure.

“Who is fucking you right now?” Kylo would rasp between his thrusts, you'd throw your head back and say his name. “Louder!” He said as he reached behind your head and lifted your face up to his. You moaned around his name, you were so close to coming undone and every time Kylo told you to scream you'd get closer. Any second now anyone could come up behind you guys just as you had, maybe they'd want to swim, relax, just like you had. Maybe they'd be coming to investigate all the noise, but would find The Commander of the First Order and his wife fucking in the middle of the lake.

Your toes curled as you came around him, clutching yourself to his neck and looking over his shoulder to make sure no one was coming. Kylo was cumming right behind you, your juices mixing with his mixing with the pond water below you. You two stood there for a second, catching your breath as he sat you back down on the rock. You hugged your knees to your chest as he replaced himself back into his swimming trunks, suddenly aware and embarassed at your bare lower half. “Ready to head back?” He said as he grasped your hips and started to pull you off the rock.

“Uh, Kylo?” You grabbed his attention as you found your footing on the bed of rocks once more. “My bikini.” He looked at you, like he didn't know what you were talking about, then jumped up like he finally understood. “Oh.” He said, looking at the spot where he had dropped them from his mouth, of course they weren't there. “I'll find them.” He said, moving off to the right where they had floated off to. While he was occupied you went down into the water, retrieving a pebble from the rocks you stood on. You'd put it in your keepsake jar, you never ever wanted to forget this pond and what you did right in the middle of it.

 

You and Kylo spent the rest of the last day of your Honey Moon lounging around the hotel room, showering together, and then enjoying one last delicious plate of seafood. That night you both sat in the bed, cuddling together as Kylo showed off one of his gadgets you didn't know he had. “See, this is where we are.” His tablet displayed a vast array of stars and planets, he zoomed in one on that you recognized as Hoplora. “This is where Star Killer base is.” As he moved his fingers across the screen the stars and planets moved about, as if you were flying past them. The snowy planet came into view, it was so detailed you could see the snow falling from the sky as well. “Do you see the Finalizer there in the distance? It's close to the base to keep an eye out for Resistance fighters.” Sure enough, when Kylo swivled around the planet you saw the Star Destroyer flying about.

“Here is your home planet.” Kylo said as he began scrolling to the left of Star Killer, then zoomed in on the small blue planet. You smiled as Oceri came into view, you could see the large bodies of water you never got to play in, even some greenery you likely never saw while you were on that planet. “Where did we drop Eli off?” You didn't want his planetarium show to end, it was almost as amazing to be staring up at the stars above your bed as it was to fly through them.

“Ienides 4. Right here.” Once again the planets and stars began zooming across the ceiling, making you a tad bit dizzy. “Mostly a fire planet, lots of volcanos and lava rivers.” You turned your head and looked at him funny. “That's where Eli lives?” He chuckled. “No love, Eli doesn't live there. Or at least that's what the resistance has told us.” You felt a wave of relief, no one deserves to live on a planet that's basically one giant volcano. “We think the Resistance main base is here, on D'Qar.” A planet similar to Oceri's flashed on the screen, only much more green. “We are sending squadran fighters there soon. I want every single one of them dead after what danger they put us in.”

“You mean with the map.”

“Precisely. I also think one of my men escaped to there, he may or may not be giving the Resistance information.”

“Oh! Finn!” You remembered the tidbit of information you had gotten from Eli before he left, he had a friend that used to be a storm trooper. “Who?” Kylo sounded confused as he flicked the tablet off, the room going completely dark. “Sorry, his name's not Finn. It's FN-2187.” Kylo was silent, you couldn't see the look on his face in the dark. “How is it that you know that?” You threw the covers over yourself and got comfortable in the bed. “Lucky guess.” You said with a smile, leaning up and kissing Kylo on the cheek.

“Was it Eli?” Kylo asked you, turning on his side trying to see you in the dark. You let out a giggle, moving to bury your face in his chest and hug him. “Yeah, he told me about the Resistance from time to time.” He draped and arm over you and trailed his fingernails over your spine, you loved his hands on you. “I knew it. Hux doesn't know what he's talking about.” You weren't sure what Kylo was talking about either, but if you were being honest with yourself you didn't care at the time. All you cared about was sharing body heat so comfortably for one last night on the gorgeous beach planet.

“Can we stay here forever?” You asked into his chest, you could hear his heartbeat increase slightly at the question. “I wish.” He said with a sigh. “Here, there's no Snoke, no First Order, no Hux, no Resistance. It's just you and I.” The realization came that once you two made it back to Star Killer you'd be surrounded by all of these things, Kylo would be stressed, and that more than likely meant he'd go back to his abusive behaviors.

“I am getting better, love.”

“You are, I love you.” He really was getting better at keeping his hands off of you, you could give him credit for that. Your proudest moment with Kylo was when he raised his hand to hit you and he talked himself out of it. He really loved you, and he was trying really hard to keep his promise on your rings.

 

The next day you were transported back to Star Killer, back to Kylo's quarters. With a deep, disappointed sigh you collapsed face first on his bed, exhausted from your journey and ready to just relax some more. Behind you, Kylo entered the closet, rummaging through stuff. “When will your hot air be back on?” You teased, knowing Kylo was still upset about what you had to endure over a month ago. For what it was worth, there was a slight chill. Although you knew that the chill was always there, you had just been spoiled the past few days.

“For as good as you look right now-” He emerged, holding a long black piece of fabric out to you. Playing off of his words, you attempted to turn to him seductively, realizing you had failed when your lower back cracked and Kylo looked at you with slight, playful disgust. “We have places to be. Get dressed.”

It was a black gown, shorter in the front than in the back and showed off your legs wonderfully. The back went all the way down to your sandaled feet and swayed just slightly when you walked. There were hints and tints of red within the satin gown, and there were silver jewels in the shape of the first order insignia that sat right in the center of your collar bone. Around them were rubies that ran up and around your neck, holding the insignia like a necklace. To say you felt like absolute royalty was a severe understatement.

Kylo made his way over to you and took your face in his, he did nothing to hide the nervousness on his face. It hadn't struck you at first what was going on, but the look he gave you as he took your hand and exited his quarters told you everything: You were off to your wedding ceremony.

 

It was almost as if everyone on the base knew what was happening to you as well. The eyes that stared at you on your way up to Snoke's cave held looks of happiness and delight, pity and remorse. You weren't exactly sure which ones to believe. The entire time in your head you had made it seem lik a good thing you were to wed Kylo Ren, you would carry his power, his responsibilities, his last name. But the other looks you were seeing were making you change your mind. You would inherit his power, his responsibilities, and his last name, after all. People would fear you, abhor you, want to kill you even. You were actually able to see their emotions toward you on their faces, to know which ones hated you and which ones admired you.

 

Standing in the same cold and damp room you stood in before, goose bumps made their way up your entire body. You quietly stood next to Kylo as he removed his helmet and summoned Snoke to his holographic stand. When he appeared a took a long deep breath, moved his mouth as if he were going to say something then saw you standing next to Kylo. Even though his eyes were black holes, you could see the shock play across his face.

“What is the meaning of-”

“Supreme Leader I can explain.” There was silence, you stole a look over at Kylo, his face was full of regret. “She came back to life?”

“Not exactly, I hadn't even killed her to begin with.” Snokes brow bent to his eyes, he leaned forward to take a closer look at you and you shyed away, thinking he was planning on killing you anyway. “What are you girl?” You bit your lip, not sure how to answer his question. If you were being completely honest with yourself you didn't know what you were either on a social level instead of physical. You knew what he was hinting at, were you human or were you some sort of alien. Did you wield the force or not?

“I'm, er, Ocerian. I'm not special.” Your voice cracked as you spoke. “Explain to me what happened them, both of you.” So you took turns, listened to what Kylo had to say about your supposed death. Listen to him explain over and over again how hard he pressed the pillow into your face, why he didn't choose another method to kill you. They both came to he agreement that he just didn't hold the pillow for long enough, you had passed out but survived the attack.

“But what's more impressive is that she survived so long by herself while I was away, she had very little food and it was next to freezing in my room.” They both turned their attention to you and you smiled nervously. “A survivalist, yes?” You weren't sure who he was talking to, but you kept quiet anyway, the less you talked the quicker this would go by.

“She is very special to me, Supreme Leader.” Kylo grabbed you by your arm and pulled you into him, wrapping his arm around your waist and holding you tight. “Which is why I want to marry her.” You could hear your heart beat and Kylo's beating in sync, it would all come down to this. You sweated nervously, feeling the fabric touching you and Kylo heating up more than any part of your body. Your opinion didn't matter, Snokes did. What would you do if he said no? That answer terrified you more than being told yes.

“You want to...marry her?” Snoke spoke slowly, drawing out every sylable like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Kylo assured him that that was exactly what he wanted, even lifting your hand to show him your ring. Snoke stared, Kylo stared back at him with a mix of triumph and fear on his face. Then Snoke leaned forward, holding his large hands out to you. He was going so fast that you jumped back, afraid of what he would do to you. Kylo sensed this fear, he gripped your arm and pulled you behind him.

“This girl, the General thinks she is a spy for the Resistance.” Once again, there was a pause. Your heart felt as if it fell 10 stories into your body. “W-Wha?” You could do nothing but stammer at the accusation. “Hux is a fool, Supreme Leader! She is not a spy, she is not of the Resistance.”

“Then explain to me how she knew the scavengers name? How did she know about the droid?” Snoke was now yelling, Kylo was pushing you further and further behind him. “The child! The child of the Resistance told her everything she knows. She comes from a neutral planet she-”

“The attack on us! The attack on the First Order! How would the Resistance have even known to hide the explosive so well if they didn't have someone telling them about how we check the datachips?” Behind Kylo you were trembling, trying your hardest not to cry in fear of looking guilty. You weren't a spy, you loved it here! You wanted to marry Kylo and be with him forever! They argued back and forth, your head was spinning and with every inflation of Kylo's voice you were sure you were going to pass out.

Finally, you couldn't take it anymore. You screamed as loud as you could, all attention turned to you as your face turned red and tears burned like fire down your cheeks. “I am not with the Resistance!” You could feel the resentment dripping off of your face, surely now you would be killed fr inturrupting such an important conversation between two extremely important people. Snoke stared once more, leaning forward to inspect you while you turned your face away from him. He was just a hologram, but whenever he got really close to you you felt cold, like he was a ghost of some sort.

“You want to be married, son?”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

“Then I will find you someone to marry. Someone with more class and character than a who-”

“I won't marry anyone but y/n.”

“She will be a princess! A princess of a wealthy planet to aid the First-”

“I won't marry _anyone_ but y/n.” A heavy sigh that you could have sworn pushed you back slightly came from Snoke. “Fine, Kylo. Fine.” You could practically see the smile from the back of Kylo's head, you felt some relief as well. Now Snoke would marry you two and send you on your ways! You could be freed of the toxic environment and go straight home with Kylo.

“But on one condition.” Disappointment could not even begin to describe what you felt at the moment. What could Snoke possibly have wanted from you other than your full commitment to the First Order and to Kylo?

Pain, pain was what he wanted from you.

You couldn't stop yourself from shaking the minute Kylo told you it would hurt you. Snoke was going to invade your deepest of deep thoughts and memories. Kylo explained that while he was strong with the Force Snoke was exceptionally stronger, he had the power to touch memories that even you couldn't remember. He explained you'd see your most recent, then your most memorable, then there'd b a flash of white light and you'd begin to see the ones you could no longer remember. With tears in your eyes you asked Kylo why he hadn't done this himself to prove the General and snoke wrong, his explanation was Hux would never have believed him.

So you stood squarely in front of Snoke, waiting for the moment to come. You trembled in your roots, you doubted that you'd even be able to handle this on your own. “Are you ready, girl?” Snoke questioned you, you begrudgingly nodded your head. “I'm right here, y/n.” Kylo shouted from behind you. You turned and looked at him, his helmet was still tucked under his arm and he held a look of uncertainty on his face. You nodded at him and turned back to Snoke. “I'm-I'm ready.” Snoke leaned down to right in front of you then held his giant hand up in front of your face.

The first thing you noticed was the lack of oxygen. It wasn't quite enough to knock you out, but it was enough to make you cough and twitch.

Then there was the headache, it felt like someone was taking a saw to your skull. Then you began to see your most recent memories. They were flashing with the painful pulse in your skull. First you saw your honey moon, then the time you spent away from Kylo, then his accident, then Eli, all the way back to your abduction into the First Order. Regardless, you still stood tall, accepting the pain in your head and living through every rape, beating, and demeaning comment made to you by Kylo.

The memories you had of your past life came and went, mostly because the days blurred together on the compound and almost everything was the same. The only different thing about those memories were the girls that you were taking care of, and the baby. You didn't care about those memories as much, you had no reason to look back because you weren't going back.

What came next will always be a mystery to you. As Snoke dug deeper into your mind the pain grew to unimaginable levels, levels so high you could barely see anything but a white light. You were unintentionally lurching forward along with Snokes hand, as if he actually held a grip on your mind. From the way your mouth was moving you knew you were making some sad noises, but you couldn't hear them over the sounds of pain and destruction in your ears. Your knees gave in under your dead body weight and you collapsed to the ground. The convulsions wouldn't stop, you were sure you had, at that point, vomited twice and ruined your lovely wedding dress. But there was nothing you could do, this was the only way you were to be married.

 

–

 

“Supreme Leader please! She's innocent, you must stop!” Kylo looked on helplessly at his wife to be on the floor as her mind was invaded in a most painful way. He had always felt remorse when he hurt her or she was hurt by others, but nothing compared to this. His head began to hurt and so did his chest, it was as if her pain was being projected onto him somehow. He trembled in his boots, squeezing his wedding ring between his fingers as tight as he could as a way to ground himself and to remind himself of what was to come for the both of them.

“That's enough!” Kylo shouted as he dove to the floor, scooping her up in his arms. He didn't care about the blood seeping from her nose or the vomit stains on her once beautiful dress, he just wanted to comfort her. She was extremely pale, cold, and stiff. If Kylo hadn't seen this ritual done thousands of times he'd be panicking that Snoke had killed her.

But alas, she stirred in his arms, opening her eyes and meeting his concerned gaze. “Shh, love. Close your eyes. It'll be over soon.” He said as he pushed some of her sweaty hair out of her face. She whimpered but obeyed, shutting her eyes and letting her head fall into the crook of his arm.

“She is not a spy.” Kylo didn't look at Snoke, merely thought in his mind “I could have told you that.” He turned their bodies to face him, Kylo looked up at Snoke with tears in his eyes, silently accusing him of hurting his one true love. “But-” Kylo narrowed his eyes at his master, not exactly wanting to hear what he had to say about what he found in her head. “When dropping off the child she was offered a way out of the First Order, by the child's parents.

A chill ran down Kylo's spine and he bent his head down to look at her. Her lip quivered, he couldn't tell if she was listening to the conversation or not. “She didn't...she is still here.” Kylo could hardly believe what he was hearing at the moment. She hadn't told him a Resistance member offered to help her make it out of the Order. Yet he didn't feel betrayed, because she was still here, here in the safety of Star Killer base and about to be married to him.

“She is loyal to the First Order, Supreme Leader. Don't you see now?” Kylo ran his gloved fingers down her cheek, noting the pink trails they left. Snoke quietly stared at his own fingers, then looked down at the duo on the floor in front of them. “You have trained her well, Kylo.” There was a type of hesitation in his voice, Kylo held his breath. It was now or never, surely Snoke would give him permission to marry her now! That was the only thing he had found in her head that he didn't agree with.

“Please, Supreme Leader. She's the only thing I want in life. She will help me make the First Order successful in everything that we do.” Kylo begged Snoke, begged as if he were begging to save his own life. As always, Snoke sat silent. It caused Kylo to stress even more. He bent his head down, ready to cry over the fact that Snoke would likely say no. He had tried so hard to convince him, it would be just another accomplishment that would slip right out of his hands; just like the scavenger and the map.

“I approve.”

 

–

Your eyes darted open at the words, they rumbled in your chest like thunder. You could hardly believe what you had heard. Had Snoke really just granted your wish to marry Kylo?

You heard him talking about how Eli's father offered to help you get out of the First Order and you thought for sure you'd die for it. You thought it was going to be either Snoke or Kylo, one of them would think you were a traitor and have you killed-Snoke already thought you were a Resistance Spy.

But no, Snoke said yes. You were elated!

Kylo gently lifted you up to him and kissed you, pecks over and over on your lips. You were sure you felt some tears transfer from his face to yours, you were happy that he was happy as well.

“Prepare her a plaque, get the supplies and get her roused. You and her will be married at once.”

 

After some cuddles and a glass of water, you and Kylo stood before Snoke about to officiate your marriage. There was no huge ceremony, no walking down the isle, no vows, nothing of a traditional marriage. All there was was you and him; and a plaque that stood in front of you. It was small, about the size of a book. It looked as if it was made of practical obsidian, rock hard and heavy. It had the First Order insignia in it, looking dark and empty. Etched underneath it was your new name: Y/n Ren.

You were puzzled by the Order logo, almost every time you had seen it it was red, why exactly was it black on this plaque? While you stared at it trying to figure it out, Kylo grabbed your hand and held it up in front of him palm up. “Y/n, by marrying Kylo you will now be sworn into the First Order. You will be Princess of the Knights of Ren. I expect your utmost respect and loyalty to us, and in turn everyone else will give you theirs. Do you agree?”

That feeling of dread you had on your way to Snokes room reappeared, you would now get all of Kylo's fear and intimidation that he inflicted on others. But! There was no turning back now. You and Kylo had made it this far, no use in saying no. He probably would not let you say no anyway, what choice did you have in the matter?

So you agreed, Kylo smiled at you pleased then looked back at Snoke. “Good. Then add her blood to the plaque and rest it with the other higher ups.” At that point, two emotions ran through you. Surprise at the fact that your plaque would rest with the other very important people of The First Order, and fear at what he said about your blood. You looked down at the empty First Order logo just as Kylo drew a knife from behind him. _Oh._ That's why the insignia wasn't red.

Before you could protest Kylo sliced your palm open, he didn't bother to draw it out or be gentle. You realized that was the most humane thing for him to do. It burned, you yelped and nearly screamed as he held your hand over the plaque, squeezing it every now and again to drain your blood as fast as he could. You could feel your face going pale as you watched it fill, drip by drip you found it easier to recognize the logo for what it actually was. There really was no going back now.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read closely between the lines, you can see my sleep deprivation and my motivation to write lol. I love writing for you dear readers, whenever I feel anxious or upset because Jam won't sleep I always write. It's calming to me and I love it.


	26. Quest for an Heir.

Your hand was bandaged and cared for, your plaque was carried off and stuck to an empty spot on the wall to the left of Snoke. Kylo hung it proudly next to his, removing Hux's plaque and placing it at the bottom where you assumed yours was supposed to go. As he walked back over to you he grasped your bandaged hand and kissed it, you knew it was his way of saying sorry. You accepted it, you knew this was the one time he had to hurt you.

Snoke gave you his well wishes and sent you two on your merry ways. You proudly held your now husbands hand as you walked down the halls, past the storm troopers and everyone else that just so happened to walk by. You smiled at all of them, how they moved out of their way to avoid you and masked Kylo. You could only smile, despite the pain in your palm. You were excited to get home with Kylo. You could only imagine what he'd do to you once he got you home and in bed. Just at the thought you could feel yourself growing wet-almost as if you hadn't fucked every day for the last week and a half. You smiled to yourself as naughty thoughts soared through your mind, you were gonna ride him. For sure-

Kylo swiftly moved his hand from yours to your forearm, pulling you forcefully to your right and into a dark closet. “What are we-” He shushed you, nearly slamming the door behind him. A chair slid out from the shadows, unfolded, and accepted Kylo's weight as he sat in it and leaned back. He realeased a sigh and began rubbing his thighs. “You wanna ride me?” He asked, rubbing his erection from the outside of his pants. You eagerly nodded your head, moving forward and beginning to unzip him and fish out his cock.

Kylo took his hands and pressed almost painfully down on your shoulders, forcing you on your knees in between his legs. “Too bad. Suck.” Although you were a bit disappointed, you quickly took his cock in your mouth, working your saliva over the head and the shaft as quickly as you could to please him. He still had not removed his helmet, making his moans sound mechanical and droll.

You lost track of the time you spent on your knees in the dark, the thrill of being caught came back to you. Just like at the pond on your honey moon you almost wanted a sanitation worker to open the door and catch their commander and his wife engaged in such a lewd act. It made you giggle around his cock, which you had shoved deep in your throat. “What are you- _argh-_ what are you laughing at down...down there?” His hand gripped your hair and pulled your head off of him. With a wet seal around his head, there was a loud pop as you released him. You giggled and shrugged your shoulders, looking up at him lovingly.

Then, it clicked in your mind what was going on. You were blowing your now husband in a dark utility closet no more than 20 minutes after you were married. Your hand was sliced open, you couldn't even use it to hold his cock or pump him. Your dress had vomit on it, and after this tryst would surely be covered with Kylo's bodily fluids, dirt, and sweat. Not to mention, you still had plans to fuck him in this closet no matter who walked in on you (although, what would make this even better is if the lieutenant walked in. You'd probably cum instantly). It was all so strange, why couldn't this have waited till you made it back home?

“Kylo, what are we doing right now?” You asked as he still held your hair in his hand. He was silent, you imagined the look of confusion on his face right now. His grip loosened, he grabbed your cheeks instead of your hair and lifted your face just a tad. “You're sucking me off.” You opened your mouth to protest but instead he moved his hands under his arms and lifted you up in front of him. “And now I'll grant your wish and let you fuck me. Get up here.” Any apprehension you had before hand quickly disappeared as you stripped yourself of your panties and straddled him, you both released a heavy sigh as you sunk down onto him. Biting your lip you placed your hands on his shoulders and found a pace you enjoyed, Kylo in turn put his hands on your hips and observed you through the mask.

You had positioned yourself perfectly on his cock so that his head hit the sweetest of spots inside of you. The ripples of pleasure raced through you and you couldn't hold back a moan or the whimpers that you emitted as you brought yourself back up. Kylo brought his hand up to your face and held it over your mouth. “Shh, love. Do you want to be caught in here?” You wanted to be truthful and tell him yes, but you didn't think much good would come of it if you told him yes. You imagined he'd take you out in the hallway to finish the job-that would be embarrassing.

So you shook your head, opening your mouth just a bit as a silent moan. Kylo removed his hand but instead of placing it back on your hip he thrust two fingers into your open mouth, effectively gagging you. “That's a good girl. I'll just have to gag you to keep you quiet-keep bouncing.” You hadn't even noticed you stopped fucking him, you were too busy running your tongue over his fingers and sucking on them. So you resumed, the taste of his leather gloves added so much to your arousal. You closed your eyes and rode him until you came all over him, you ended with your palms on his thighs panting around his fingers.

He removed you from on top of him, as you fixed your dress you realized he was still sitting in the chair stroking himself. That's when you realized he hadn't cum yet. “Oh! Kylo I'm sorry!” You began to sink back to your knees to finish him off when he stopped you right before you could even breathe on his cockhead. He stood, backing you into the wall that was directly behind you all the while jerking himself in front of your face. You thought for sure he was going to cum on you, something you weren't exactly fond of considering the fact that you two would have to walk home covered in your own filth.

But instead he came on the wall next to your head. He stared down at you and his artwork that had now started oozing down the wall. “Oops.” He said, as he took a step back, offering you room to stand up and fix your appearance. “Bad aim?” You asked him, chuckling just a bit as to not make him angry. “I can't see anything in this mask and it's dark. Let's get back home.” He said to you, turning and beginning to open the door.

“Wait! Kylo!” You stopped him, looking back at his cum dripping down the wall. “What if someone...steals it?” As the last two words left your lips you realized how stupid you sounded. Who in the First Order would see cum strands on a wall and collect it? What would they even do with it? You could almost see the look on Kylo's face, a look of confusion and 'what the hell are you talking about.' Your cheeks burned red, you felt like an imbicile. But then the image of the Lieutenant ran across your mind, and you remembered how Kylo told you she was upset that he didn't cum inside of her. There was your reason for worrying about leaving it there, now you didn't feel as dumb.

Kylo responded by seeking out your panties and throwing them at you. “Clean it up then.” You held your silken red panties in your hands, briefly running your finger over your wetness that had pooled and dried in the crotch. “But they'll-”

“It's washable.” From his body language you could tell he wouldn't let you leave until the wall was clean. So you obediently cleaned the wall, scrubbing up and down until every ounce was gone and the wall was back to it's shiny metal state. You held your now ruined undies, looking up at Kylo with a fake sad look on your face. “You're not gonna make me put them on, are you?” The rational part of you said no, you didn't want to put your panties back on now that they were such a mess. Think of all the germs that sat on that wall, you didn't want that anywhere near your vagina.

But when Kylo nodded his head at your question you couldn't get them on faster. There was something so naughty about walking around with panties on that had your husbands cum stains on them. No one would ever know, it was almost like wearing a trophy from your risky sexual adventure in the closet. So when you felt his now cool cum squish on you your toes curled in excitement. You didn't say a word to Ren, just took his hand and exited the closet. You smiled at all the people you passed, secretly wishing they knew what just went down no more than 20 minutes ago.

 

–

The next morning Kylo sat fidgeting in bed next to the girl, waiting not so patiently for her to wake up. In his hand he held a box of pregnancy tests that he stole from medbay yesterday afternoon. Normally you had to put an order in for that kind of thing by Kylo was impatient-and he could take whatever he wanted. He didn't know why he was so nervous for her to take the test, he knew the result would most likely be a positive based off of how much unprotected sex they had for the past few days. There was just no way she had no conceived his child.

He went through their past few interactions and wondered about how she was feeling, if there were any signs or symptoms he had missed. She hadn't told him she felt ill, it didn't seem like her breasts were any bigger, and as far as he could tell she hadn't gotten her period. Although, that was something he didn't often pay too much attention to, she was good at masking her period pains and would often surprise him when he wanted to fuck her. “Sorry, Kylo. I just got it this morning.” Is what she'd say most of the time, he'd be disappointed but had other ways of getting himself off that worked just as well.

He figured since they were officially married he could start actively testing her for when she'd fall pregnant, it felt wrong to test before marriage to him for some reason. Probably because he had had it in his head for a while now that he wanted to marry her.

He began thinking back to the ceremony, how he had to cut her palm open and pour her blood into the plaque. He had never done that ritual with his mask off before, hers was a first and she took it so well. He admired her strength above all else, how she took Snokes mental fishing and _then_ had to lose a fair amount of blood. He didn't think he could have picked a better woman to procreate with.

As his thoughts turned back to their children he got up and began pacing the floor around the bed, he wanted so badly for her to wake up so they could get this over with and he no longer had to worry. He didn't even know how he'd react to a positive result. He though for sure the girl would not take it too well and would be upset one way or another. He could imagine her crying over it now. But she'd get over it, he was sure of it. After all, they did both agree this is what they wanted.

After a short while Kylo could sense the girl becoming conscience, he quickly made his way over to her side of the bed and stood there. He watched her eyes work themselves awake, her chin and cheeks quiver until she had fully awoken to his standards. She watched him with slits in her eyes, eventually moving herself to sit up and smile slightly at him.

_This is my wife. This is my beautiful wife._

Kylo was feeling extremely emotional as he watched her wake up. This would be day one of being married to the love of his life, and today would be the day if he found out they were expecting or not. A day of firsts for both him and her.

“Morning.” She said to him as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “Good morning, love.” He said, bending down to kiss her forehead. As he did he slipped the box of tests into her lap and immediately turned to leave the room. He thought for sure she knew how to use them, and he wanted to give her all the time she needed to muster up her courage to take one. She didn't need him at the moment, so he would just wait not so patiently out in the living room for her to come get him.

 

–

Standing in the bathroom mirror you switched your attention between yourself and the small white stick you held in your hands. You didn't feel pregnant, no nausea, no frequent urination, no pain, no cravings, nothing at all. You were almost willing to bet credits on the fact that you weren't pregnant, but for some reason you were still afraid to take the test. What if it showed a positive? Did you want it to be positive? Surely it wouldn't be positive. But what if it were negative? Would Kylo hurt you? This was a huge part of you getting married to him, he wanted you to have his child. Your stomach became sore just thinking about all of this.

But there you stood, the cup of your urine sitting on the counter and you holding the stick in it for the allotted five seconds. This is what Kylo would want you to be doing, and you thought you owed it to your husband to cooperate when he needed and wanted you to. Once you had dipped it for long enough you capped it and left it on the counter, dumping the cup down into the toilet and flushing once more. You then exited the bathroom and went to relax on the bed for the three minute wait.

You stared up at the ceiling, occasionally eyeing your sketchbook from across the room. As much as drawing did relax you, you decided you couldn't right now. Your nerves stood on end and you only had another minute and a half to wait anyway according to the bedside clock.

There was a knock on the door, Kylo from the otherside called out “is everything okay?” You closed your eyes and released an exasperated sigh, assuring him everything was alright with you. “Is the test done yet?”

“Yeah.” Your response was stale, you weren't too thrilled to be waiting on the result at the moment and you could only hope that Kylo wasn't either. “Well?” He called out once more.

“I haven't looked yet.” the door opened and in came Kylo, dressed in only the black sweat pants he wore to bed the previous night. “Why not?” You shrugged, you didn't have the heart to tell him you were too nervous to look. Evidently Kylo heard your thoughts because with an irritated puff of air he wandered into the bathroom, no doubt to look for himself. It was quiet, your heart beat rang rapidly in your ears. You waited for something, anything to happen. Any angry lightsaber noises or screaming or crying.

“I see two lines.” You cocked a brow up at the statement, two lines usually meant-

As soon as you caught the realization you jumped up and ran to the bathroom, but before you could even make it you ran head first into Kylo's chest. You stumbled back into the bedroom and eyed Kylo nervously as he eyed the small white stick. “Does this mean...?” He handed it to you and you felt like you couldn't have snatched it up any faster. Your eyes frantically ran over every inch, you didn't even realize you were looking at it upside down. Sure enough, when you flipped it over there were two lines, but not two lines that indicated you were pregnant. There was one line in the first window and one in the second. A positive result would be a plus sign.

“N-No, Kylo.” You said, relaxing with a shaky breath. “There would be a plus sign if I were with child. Kylo blinked, stared at you while you fiddled with the test in your hand. Then he snatched it from you, looking over the two red lines once more. “A...literal positive result.” He said discouraged. He threw it down and began walking toward the closet to get ready for work. You felt bad that you weren't pregnant for him, you always hated seeing him so upset. You sat on the bed quietly as he dressed in front of you. Once he was fully clothed and helmeted you bid him goodbye, not as enthusiasticly as you normally do due to the stress of that morning. Instead of saying goodbye, Kylo stared at you, his fists were balled in frustration. “We will try again later.” You nodded silently, then watched as he left the bedroom.

 

Your period for that month came and went, discouraging Kylo even further. He had begun to keep a close eye on you, fucking you whenever he thought you were fertile. By the second time your period came around he changed his tactic.

“Hips up.” He said after fucking you on your back, you had to then prop your hips in the air for at least ten minutes to aid his sperm in falling down toward your ovaries. He always stayed inside of you till he went flacid to ensure none of the sperm escaped you. By your third period and the 5th negative test result, Kylo was beyond frustrated with the entire situation.

“Are you infertile?” He asked as he tossed the negative pregnancy test in the garbage. You had no clue if you were or not, you never had any signs that you were. You knew it could not have been Kylo, the man was so big and carried so much seed you were sure his sperm count was optimal. It was clearly you that was the issue, but you had absolutely no idea on how to fix it.

“I will take you to a specialist next week. We need to get this figured out.”

“Of course, Kylo.” You said rolling over onto your side and accepting your fate. You held back your tears, you hated to disappoint your husband. Even if it was something biologically not your fault.

 

The next morning you sat at the table eating some cereal Kylo had got you the day before. He had begun regulating your diet strictly, leaving you with the blandest of the bland. You stared out the window, wishing Kylo would let you go outside or see another part of the base like he almost promised you he would. Sitting in your quarters by yourself for 12 hours a day was so boring and sad, especially when you knew Kylo was less than thrilled by your ability to reproduce. You didn't even know how you were going to see a fertility specialist, Kylo had told you the First Order didn't have any at their disposal.

Your heart fluttered when you realized he'd have to take you off the planet to see one, you'd get to go somewhere new! You smiled to yourself, maybe it'd be somewhere as nice as Hoplora, or maybe you'd finally get to see Coruscant. You had only ever read about it in books from the library, the city sounded gorgeous.

Just as you were imagining the beautiful city the you heard the whiz of the front doors opening. You spun around expecting to see Kylo home from work very early, but that wasn't the case. “Oh? Hi...” You said as you stood to greet your new visitor. You wondered how they were able to make it into your personal quarters, Kylo had said he only had the door coded to his DNA.

They wasted no time walking up to you, almost a little too quickly. “Hey, hey! What are you-” You couldn't have and didn't see it coming. Their fist met you square in your nose causing you to instantly fall backward out of the chair and topple to the ground. You had been knocked out cold, never felt them lift you up and carry you out of your own quarters. You were being kidnapped, right out from under Kylo's nose.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just got to the very last plot twist for the fic. I'm almost done dear readers!  
> And I've decided on which fic to start next, so I'm gonna start writing that one so I can post in advance as well!


	27. I'm not Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im having a pretty rough evening. I'm breaking my own rule of finishing a chapter and posting a chapter because of it. Enjoy.

“Hux, what could possibly be so important on this planet that I must stop what I'm doing to go see?” Kylo looked on a Hux who was staring at him in dumb amusement. “It's a newly discovered planet rich in resources for the First Order to take and conquer. We must capture it before the Resistance does.” Under his helmet Kylo was rolling his eyes. Sure, what was on his agenda was mundane and boring, what he usually did on a regular day around he base. But he didn't particularly want to leave to take this planet-he didn't want to leave the girl behind.

He had other things he was going to do instead of working, like research better diets for the girl and find a fertility specialist that he trusted. But from the way Hux was bugging him, the way he told him The Supreme Leader wanted this planet as soon as possible, he decided to overtake it right away. It seemed important enough that Snoke would mention it, and besides, the First Order could always use ally planets and resources. Kylo decided to do something he rarely did: Took Hux's word for the matter. Hux made it seem as if time was of the essence, that the quicker the Order got to the planet the quicker they could take it form the Resistance.

“Send the coordinates, I'll head out right away then.” Kylo then turned to leave, preparing for his three hour journey to the new planet. What he didn't see was Hux's devilish and evil grin, for he had just walked himself and his wife right into Hux's trap and Hux would enjoy every second of it.

 

–

“Go away!” You shouted as your head lifted from your chest, startling yourself from sleep. As you hyperventilated you took a look around, you had absolutely no idea where you were. The only thing you were sure about was the bounds at your wrists and ankles as well as the rickety and uncomfortable chair that you sat upon. “Kylo? Kylo?!” Your head spun around trying to find him, but he wasn't there. You wiggled as hard as you could, trying to turn the chair to see what else was in this room, but you couldn't with your feet bound to the legs. All you could see was white linoleum on the floor, walls, and ceiling. The single light above you gave the room a dark and dreary yellow glow. Right under you was a floor drain. For what? You didn't want to imagine.

You frantically stretched your arms and legs, seeing if you could break the metal. You hoped that whoever placed you here had, by some stroke of luck, not locked the cuffs fully.

“Going somewhere?” You stopped, frozen in your tracks as you looked up and saw Hux, and for the first time he was smiling at you. “N-No? Why am I-”

“Silence!” He shouted over you as you coward away from him. You blinked back your tears, now would not be a good time to cry considering the fact that this man could do whatever he wanted to do to you. You had to be brave, maybe this was just Kylo testing you, to see how you'd react in this situation without him.

“So, Mrs. _Ren._ ” He bit your last name out at you angrily and bitterly. “I saw your plaque in the Supreme Leader's room, it's replaced mine. Why is that?” He began circling you like a hawk would circle it's dying prey, you could feel your wrists grow slick under the metal bounds from sweating so much. “I-I got married to-”

“Kylo Ren. Yes. I know. I've seen your plaque, seen your blood too.” He stopped as he made his way back to your front and stared down at you. “The question is, why would the Commander of the First Order willingly marry a Resistance spy and sympathizer?” As he quietly waited for your reply, you bit back the urge to roll your eyes a him. You had your brain picked painfully apart by Snoke only for you to be sitting here in front of the General being called a Resistance spy again. “I'm not a Resistance spy! I am loyal to the First Order!” You shrieked, hoping the last part would catch his attention and he'd cut you some slack. He stared at you, his jovial expression turning quickly to annoyance at your response.

“Okay, put the force blockers on the doors. This is getting serious.” He turned to the two storm troopers that stood behind him and gave the order. “Force blockers? No, wait! I'm not force sensitive. I'm-” Out from behind his back came a paddle of sorts, black and short and rough. He slapped you so hard across the face with it your head spun and you could see the galaxy from behind your eyes. “It's not to stop _you,_ little whore. It's to stop your husband from hearing your screams from where he is.”

You squinted your eyes at him, then the tears started. How could you have been so stupid? The force blockers weren't to keep you in, they were to keep Kylo out. You looked around frantically as the storm troopers hung two green circular objects to the door, once switched on a low humming noise could be heard throughout the room. “Now, let's get this moving shall we?” Hux smiled at you again, he was hitting the palm of his hand with the paddle.

“I'll make it easy on you to begin with. You tell me what I want to hear and I won't beat you with this thing, okay?” Doing the only thing you could do in the moment to not make him angry, you bit your lip and nodded. “Very, very good, whore.” The paddle was placed under your chin and he raised your head up to look at him with it. “Are you with the Resistance? Did they send you here to spy on us in the Order?” The combination of his angry looking scowl and his bright, icey blue eyes sent terror shooting down your spine. There was absolutely no way this was going to end well for you. What he wanted to hear was “yes,” and if he heard that this would all be over, you were sure he'd be launching you from the base and out into space where you'd certainly die. But that wasn't the truth, you knew it wasn't the truth.

“No! I'm not with them, I never was with them!” Snot flew out of your nose as you bawled in front of him, it stuck to his grey coat a little too well and you knew that you'd be getting punished because of it. He looked down at his coat where your snot had landed and without looking raised the paddle and slapped you across the face with it again, this time the other cheek. You let out another scream, hoping Kylo would be walking by or something and would come save you from this torture session.

“You don't fool me girl, you don't fool anyone on this base except for Ren because he's too stupid to see you for who you really are.” He brought the paddle down onto your wrist-you could practically feel the bones separating from the socket. You shook your head, taking small and shallow breaths and failing to pull yourself out of the current pain you were in.

“I'll ask you again, are you with the Resistance or not?” This time, you declined to answer, you weren't going to lie to him and potentially get yourself killed. You simply hung your head, trying not to cry or focus on the pain in your cheeks and your wrist.

Above you, Hux sighed. “Alright, get the electrodes and water. We're going to get answers out of her whether she likes it or not.”

 

–

Kylo knew Hux was stupid. He just didn't think he was this stupid. As soon as he reached the coordinates that Hux told him he found that there was nothing. No small planet, no large planet, nothing but pitch black and empty space. He switched on the com and sent it to Hux's channel. “Hux, there's nothing at these coordinates.” He stalled his command shuttle and waited for a response. Nothing came from the small speaker. “Hux, you idiot you've sent me the wrong coordinates.” He didn't usually like to call Hux names, but since he was choosing not to answer him at the time AND sent him incorrect coordinates he felt he deserved it. But when nothing came still, he sighed, deciding to give up on the mission and return home.

As he once again started his command shuttle he decided to reach out to his wife and see what she was up to as he sometimes did. He was angry with Hux's lack of response and with the fact that he had spent the last three hours getting somewhere that he didn't need to be, just feeling her going throughout her day would in turn calm him down.

Only issue was he couldn't feel her. There was nothing. No flutter of laughter and smiles, no gentle rustle of her sleeping, no erratic movement of her cleaning or cooking, there was nothing. Kylo grew suspicious, Hux was not answering him and he couldn't feel y/n. His heart beat accelerated as he realized something was very, very wrong. He immediately suspected the base was under attack. As quick as he could, he threw his shuttle into lightspeed and began the three hour journey back to Star Killer. The Order needed him, his wife needed him.

 

–

You had been electrocuted, you had been subjected to waterboarding, strangulation, being held up on the wall by just your arms, having your fingers pulled out of their sockets and then replaced one by one, all for what? You weren't sure. You begged Hux to go talk to Snoke, he'd certainly tell of how he invaded your mind and saw you weren't a member of the Resistance. But he'd just flip the switch and send electric currents throughout your body again, just knock the chair over and instruct the troopers to pour more water on your face. He didn't and wouldn't believe you.

“Tell me how you knew the storm trooper that escaped, FN-2187. How did you know his code?” By now, you were sore everywhere-literally everywhere. You could barely speak and you were exhausted. You wanted Kylo, wanted him to come rescue you so badly. You were 100 percent positive you did not deserve this. You had been telling him nothing but the truth, you were even willing to bet your life, soul, and first born to him at this point.

“E-Eli t-t-told-” Your head drooped into you chest as you passed out reminding him about Eli, the Resistance child you watched for a few weeks. After all, that's where you had gotten all of your information from anyway-you were not lying. Suddenly sharp painful electricity ran throughout your body and you jolted awake. Your head snapped back against the chair, your jaw clenched, and your fingers painfully gripped the arms of the chair. You shook as your eyes rolled into the back of your head, let go of your urine for what felt like the 4th time in this entire torture session. The first time you had cried as he belittled you, now you were so humiliated you just took his abusive words toward the action with defeat.

“There's no way a 5 year old would know all of this information. You need to quit lying to me!” As soon as the electricity was shut off he slapped you across the face with his paddle once again. Your cheeks were so numb you had hardly felt it. As your head sagged over your shoulder and you fought to keep your attention on him and only him, he growled in frustration. “Only a strong Resistance member would be like this, wouldn't break under all of this torture. I just wish you'd stop lying to me. This isn't much fun anymore.

“You still haven't told me how they built the data chip to explode upon activation. You must have had to study our team very hard, didn't you? Tell me what you observed and what you told the Resistance once you got your information then.” You groaned in response, almost feeling your body tingling where you thought he was going to hit you. This was the second time he asked you that question and you didn't know what to say at this point. So you said nothing, prepared to take your punishment from him again.

He snarled at your insubordination, walked closer to you and yanked your head up so you could look at him. “Why does Ren get a free whore nd I don't? Why did that foolish man child get a pleasure slave and I didn't? I deserved you more than he did for how much work I do for the Order! It's absolutely absurd!” He forcefully threw the paddle at the wall and you heard it crack and break into pieces. “You weren't even supposed to be kept. How did he talk the Supreme Leader into keeping you? And then _marrying_ you? It makes me sick. So sick!” The babble that you heard coming from his mouth was quite possibly scarier than what he had been saying to you before. Was this really what this was all about? You had spent so much time being jealous over people who wanted Ren, you never ever thought a man would be jealous of Ren because he had you.

“No bother, whore. I think Ren can share for one day.” He flipped a switch and your restraints fell apart, as you lifted one of your wrists your balance went off and you practically fell out of the chair. Luckily he caught you, pulling you to your knees in front of him. You had no energy left, instead of sitting yourself up you toppled to the floor, doing your best to lay your arm under your head for even just a little bit of a cushion. As you moaned in discomfort he grabbed you by your ankle and dragged you over to the wall, sitting you up and pulling your bottom half out just a bit so you'd sit up on your own.

“I deserve this, I deserve you, not Ren. Maybe I'll just keep you once this is all over.” You had looked up just in time to see him unzip his pants, to see his disgusting smile as he began fishing out his cock. You didn't think your heart rate could pick up anymore than it already had after it sunk from being tortured for hours. Now you were about to be forced to suck another mans cock, a man that your husband hated so much. You only ever wanted Kylo, you didn't want to be intimate with anyone else. If you had any tears left you would be crying at the moment. Instead, you begrudgingly accepted this as apart of your punishment for being a suspected Resistance member.

He held it in his hand, you noted his cock was much smaller in diameter than Kylo's, his head was a bit smaller and much more red, not nearly as impressive as Kylo's. But none of that mattered as he told you to open wide and he began inching his cock closer and closer to your mouth. You closed your eyes and held your mouth open for him. The thought to push him away or bite him quickly went through your mind, but you were so exhausted and didn't think fighting would help you in this case. The most you could hope for would be he'd cum quickly so he'd hopefully let you back to your quarters so could could either recover or die in peace.

You could smell his musky scent as his cock entered your mouth, he wasn't telling you to wrap your lips around it yet so you kept your mouth wide open. You could almost taste him even though he was not touching your tongue, this was going to be awful. “That's a good-”

“General, Lord Ren has just made it back to the base.” A storm trooper burst through the door and just as he spoke Hux removed his cock from your mouth and turned away, tucking himself back into his pants as discretely as he could. “Hmm. Guess he figured out my plan.” Hux looked down at you angrily as you continued to stare at him with your jaw wide open. Anyone who would have walked into that room probably would have thought you wanted to be blowing him at the time. With a heavy sigh he gripped you by your forearms and threw you at the storm trooper that entered. “Take her down to lock up, all the way down to section G and cell 20. I don't want anyone to know she's there so take the back hallways. Ren will probably be on his way to his quarters or my office.” The trooper that held you struggled to stand you up right as you pulled all your weight to the ground.

“You, help him carry her down to the cell. And you, clean up this mess. Make it look like nothing happened in this interrogation room-because _nothing_ happened here. Use bleach to clean her blood and other bodily fluids. I'll be in my office if you need me.”

“Yes sir.” Each storm trooper said as they moved to do as they were told. The two that held you had to literally drag you from that room, your legs wouldn't work and they couldn't support your wight. So they dragged on the floor in front of you as the troopers carried you backward. Everyone that you passed turned their heads to look at you. You begged as much as you could with your eyes for help-didn't anyone know you were their Commander's wife? Surely the Commander of the First Order's wife should not be treated like this. But no one stopped to help you, no one questioned the storm troopers dragging you around, no one cared about you. If you had the ability to, you'd start screaming for Kylo, he was back on the base now and would surely hear you if you screamed for him. But you couldn't, you were too hurt from being tortured and almost being raped by the General. Instead, you simply closed your eyes. It would have pained you way too much to see just the edge of Kylo's robes walk out of view and you not able to yell for his help or find another way to get his attention.

“Poor girl.” You heard one of your guardians say. “That's what she gets for being a spy tho. Hux will probably have her killed.” With that last sentence, you felt one small tear trickle from your eye.

 

–

“Y/n!” Kylo said as he barged into his quarters. His heart was racing, and with every second that passed where there wasn't noise in his quarters his heart beat even faster. He walked throughout, peeking into all of his rooms and closets to see if she was hiding anywhere, but she was not. He began to panic, how in the world had she managed to get out? More importantly, why did she leave? He looked around frantically, removing his helmet as he began to sweat nervously. As he was making his way to the living room he spied something quite strange. On the floor sat a chair that was toppled over, and next to it was a knocked over bowl of bran flakes. From the look of the dried milk it had been sitting there for hours now.

Something just didn't seem right in Kylo's mind. He'd never seen his wife spill food before, she was always so careful not to waste anything edible. Even if she did she would have surely picked it up, as well as the chair. She never left a mess.

That's when Kylo realized there had to have been struggle-she was taken from their quarters! He reached into his coat pocket with a stressed groan, his fingers frantically moving over the screen to find the log he kept of who opened and closed his doors. He saw himself leave at ten this morning, then his door was closed. His heart stopped beating in his chest as he read over the next line:

_12:24 pm today: General Armitage Hux opened._

_12:27 pm today: General Armitage Hux closed._

He had forgotten to remove Hux's DNA from the day he was injured. Hux had entered his quarters and taken his wife. Hux currently had his wife. Hux could be doing _anything_ to his wife. Hux _could have_ done anything to his wife.

Had Kylo been his old self, he would have destroyed everything in his own quarters in anger and in terror. He wouldn't have thought twice about removing his saber, closing his eyes, and swinging it in every direction. He was livid and angry, and that's how he would have handled things.

But his wife had taught him to act differently-to act instead of react to situations like this. Instead of taking his anger on inanimate objects violently he immediately left his quarters, angrily and proactively making his way to Hux's office to confront him on what he did to his wife.

 

Kylo kicked in Hux's office door once he got there, causing Hux to look up from his computer. “Ren, haven't you heard of-” Kylo wasted no time Force grabbing Hux and dragging him into his hand from across his desk, his weight causing it to flip over and the contents to go flying around the room. “Where is my wife you bastard? What did you do with my wife?” Hux's face went from bright red to blue as he whimpered and stammered in Kylo's grasp. “Don't....what...talk...about...” As Hux chocked out his sentence Kylo threw him across the room, he hit the wall and landed on the ground with a loud, painful, thud.

“You entered my quarters without my permission today right after you sent me on that mission, my wife is missing and you must have been the last person to have seen her alive!” Hux stood himself up, wiping the sweat and saliva off of his face and cracking his neck. “I-I have no idea what you're speaking of Ren.” He smiled that creatonous smile, the smile that absolutely sent Ren mad. “Are you speaking of your wife, the whore that works with the Resistance?” His smile widened as he started walking back over to his desk.

Kylo stood and followed him to his desk, he took a deep breath and thought about the situation for just a second. There was no use in torturing him, Hux wouldn't cooperate and more than likely wouldn't tell him where y/n was. He couldn't waste the time, his wife could be in grave danger with whatever Hux did with her. He had to get answers out of him and fast-he made a promise to her with the ring he gave her: Where ever she was-whether she was lost or stolen, he'd come find her. So he said no more words to Hux, just lifted his hand up to his face and began pulling the last six or seven hours of his memories out of his head. When he saw what he had done to his wife, he went pale.

Torture, he had tortured her. Broken her bones, torn her skin, broken her down to nearly nothing. Absolutely nothing Kylo had ever done to hurt her compared to what Hux did to her. What completely sent Kylo over the edge was the image of Hux slowly sliding his cock in between her teeth. He could hardly believe Hux had it in him to be such a scumbag. He could see the fear in her eyes so vividly, he wanted to cry so bad in that moment. Just like the day he came home with his scar, he had let her down once again. Hux hurt her, and Kylo hadn't been anywhere near her to protect her this time.

Hux had sunk to the floor in pain, Kylo took solace in his screams filled with agony for the agony he had caused y/n. All Kylo needed to know now was where he was keeping her, and he wasn't going to ask that question either. So he angrily dug further into his mind, he didn't actually see where she was taken, he only saw the storm troopers drag her away. He had to zero in on Hux's speech, he must have told them where to take her. So with all his might, both to hear Hux's speech and to cause him as much harm as possible, he listened to Hux's thoughts. Very quietly, the cell block and cell number came thought; he had thrown her in lock up.

Kylo removed himself from Hux's head, looking down at him he sneered at the blood running down his nose and the fatigued look in his eye. He squatted down next to him and painfully gripped his jaw so he was looking at him. “When I come back, you had better be dead or gone. Cause if you're not I _will_ have your head." He dropped his jaw and began sprinting out of the room and down the halls. He needed to get to her before she had to endure more torture at the hand of Hux's goons.

By the time he had made it to the very last cell block he was out of breath. He opened the door that would normally house 20 big time criminals, but the entire block was empty and silent. Kylo stepped into the block and made a bee line straight to the 20th cell where Hux had said to put her. As he got closer his heart broke as he heard her pained whimpers.

In the very last cell sat his small, dainty, wife. She was sitting on the floor against the wall, her knees were drawn into her chest and her head was tucked down into her arms. Her sleeping clothes were torn to shreds and soaked, her dignity was barely hidden by the flimsy garment. Her hair was soaked as well, ratty and filled with knots. Her skin was paler than usual, Kylo could almost feel her once warm and comforting skin, now cold and clammy.

She flinched without looking up as he unlocked the cell door, then didn't move a muscle as Kylo's boots thundered toward her. He thought that she must have thought he was Hux, they both wore similar boots and they both made the same noises as they clicked on the ground. He squatted on the floor in front of her and removed his helmet, not caring about the tears brimming in his eyes. She was so afraid, if she'd just look up she'd see her husband, someone here to save and protect her.

“Y-Y/n.” He whispered, she didn't move, just whimpered some more out of fear. “Y/n, it's Kylo. It's your husband.” Her body instantly stilled, her shuddering stopped and she slowly and cautiously lifted her head to see him. The dead and soulless look in her normally beautiful e/c eyes was an image he'd never forget, he really had let her down this time. Her dry lips parted slightly and a small, sad sound came from her lips. Weakly, she lifted her arms out to him and fell into his strong ones.

Kylo welcomed her, happy that she was happy to see him instead of feeling betrayed and shrinking away. “K-Ky-”

“Shh. You don't have to say anything love. I know exactly what he did to you.” Tears slipped past his shut eyes as he began to lift her. At the action, she made a pained noise, gripped his robes as hard as she could to tell him he had hurt her. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” He said, apologizing for not being there to rescue her and for accidentally hurting her. As he went to set her down he noticed her ring was absent from her finger. As enraged as he felt toward Hux or whomever stolen it, he couldn't be angry at the moment, it would do none of them any good. He had to get her to medbay, he had to make sure she was still healthy. Then, he'd hunt her ring down.

While Kylo felt like this was all his fault, y/n wanted so badly to assure him it wasn't.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys believe that baby Jam is a month old as of May 1st?


	28. The Great Escape I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What kind of Star Wars fanfiction writer would I be if I didn't post on May the 4th?  
> I have one more chapter to write and I can officially call this fic a wrap!

It hurt when Kylo picked you up. Even though you were in pain you were so happy and relieved to see him, to see that he had saved you from that disgusting man. You tried to ask him how he knew you were in trouble, but he shushed you, insisting on you staying quiet and waiting on your medical cot to come pick you up. You felt so limp and weak in his arms, this was embarrassing. How you managed to get yourself kidnapped by Kylo's rival, you didn't know. What you did know, however, was your husband knew you weren't a spy, and he'd take care of you.

True to his word, a medical cot was brought to your tiny, sad, and cold cell. It collapsed onto the floor and the medical workers gently pulled and pushed you onto it, as they wheeled you out of the prison you held onto Kylo's gloved hands as hard as you could. You were afraid, afraid of every storm trooper that you passed for they could have been one of the people who tortured you. You were afraid of seeing General Hux, thinking he'd kill you right away if he saw you in the halls. You shut your eyes and pretended to go to sleep, the childlike thought flowing through your mind that if you couldn't see them then they could not see you, obviously.

Once you got to medbay you were given a full body check up and, other than a few scratches and bruises here and there, were given a clean bill of health. You were kept overnight and Kylo stayed with you the entire time. Unlike when he was hospitalized and you slept nearly on top of him all night long, Kylo had his own cot that he pulled up next to yours. His excuse was he wanted you to have space for yourself, he didn't want to squish or crush you.

 

“Commander, there has been no word from General Hux since the previous night.” For breakfast a plate of bacon, eggs, and avocados was brought to you. As you stuffed the sustenance in your mouth you listened carefully to what this trooper had to say. Hours before Kylo had sent him to find the General, not to bring him here but to report on his whereabouts.

“Hmm. Very well. Dismissed.” As the trooper left Kylo looked back at you, made his way over to your bed. “I know you're gaining your strength but that smells delicious. May I have some?” You tilted your head to the side and questioned him silently. “Only if you take off that helmet.” He was silent for just a second before removing the mask and setting it down on the table next to you. “Of course I was going to remove my mask.” His unamused look made you chuckle just a bit as you handed him a piece of your bacon.

He ate the entire piece in one bite, then looked back at you with an utmost serious look on his face. “The General is gone, love. There's no reason to be afraid anymore. Even if he comes back around he won't touch you. I'll be sure of it.” You smiled at him, as important as it was to you that you never saw him again, you really didn't want to talk about the General. “I know, love. I know.” He said as he bent down into the cot to kiss your forehead. “I just thought you'd feel better knowing he's gone.”

You giggled just a bit as you took his cheeks in your hands, his face was just as soft as you remembered it. “You scared him away.” A soft and sincere smile spread across his face as his eyes met yours, he had such beautiful, genuine smiles.

You wondered about Hux and where he could have gone, or if he had gone anywhere really. The memories of the doctor you had back on the Finalizer flooded your head- Kylo had fired her right away when he found out she didn't do as he asked. You knew Kylo was in agreement with just getting rid of people that disappointed him, but this was something totally different. You just knew he wanted Hux dead for what he had done to you, and you almost felt as if Kylo was disappointed that he didn't get to kill the bastard himself.

 

You two made it back home that afternoon and rested up, you told Kylo all about what Hux did to you. You half expected him to get angrier and hunt him down, but he didn't. He remained calm, cool, and collected the entire time. Once you were done he took in a deep breath, stood and walked to the other side of the living room. With his face in his hands he turned to acknowledge you: “Hux may be gone, but the next time I see him, he will die.” You leaned back on the arm of the couch, wincing slightly at a bruise on your side while you cuddled into a blanket. “I don't think that's necessary Kylo. I mean, I don't think he has to-”

“He tried to _rape_ you, y/n. He tortured you, he could have killed you! You deserve justice and I intend to earn it for you.” You weren't really one for revenge. Well, that wasn't totally true; you remembered the revenge sex you had with Kylo in front of the lieutenant. That was great revenge, revenge that you would participate in any day of the week. But this revenge was something totally different, that revenge didn't end in the lieutenant's death. This revenge would.

“But does Hux deserve to die?” Kylo opened his mouth to say yes, but you cut him off. “No more than I deserved to die!”

“Y/n you are too nice. Too sweet. Too...” Kylo cut himself off, removing his eyes from yours in favor of looking sadly at the ground. “Too, forgiving.” Both of you were quiet, thinking and over analyzing what he had just said. Was it true? Were you really too nice? You thought back to what Hux did to you, what he did was awful and you did wish he was treated the same way he had treated you, but you didn't want him to die. Then your mind went back to Snoke: he hurt you and you never wished death upon him. In fact, you so desperately wanted to be on his good side so he'd marry you and Kylo, you never wanted any harm to come to him.

And then there was Kylo. Kylo and everything he had ever done to you. Every bruise, broken bone, drop of blood, and even every minute you spent dead or passed out or thinking you would die. It all came from Kylo. Yet not once, never for one second did you seriously think you wanted him dead. Your bottom lip trembled with the realization.

“I-I am too forgiving.” You stared at a fixated point on the floor with Kylo. The only reason why you were even still in this situation was because you were too forgiving of all the bad things that happened to you. If you weren't such a forgiving person you could have fought your way out of this entire situation from day one. You shouldn't have forgiven him for almost killing you with that contraceptive, for calling you names and lying about you all those times. You shouldn't have forgiven him at all, you should have been braver, more unforgiving. Maybe then you wouldn't have lost your battle of wills with Kylo so hard, maybe you could have even found a way out of his grasp before he had officially fell in love with you and claimed you as his own.

“Let's not speak of it now.” Kylo said as he began walking back to the bedroom. You craned your neck and attempted to follow him with your eyes.

“You must rest.” He returned with your pillow and a blanket from the back room. A small gesture that was greatly appreciated at the time. As you took the pillow from him to place under your head he draped the blanket over you, tucking it under you to make sure you were comfortable. He flipped on the TV for you and then began to walk away, leaving you to your TV show and to relax on the couch by yourself.

You thought quietly to yourself about being too forgiving. Maybe, now that you were married and Kylo and he was forcing you to carry a child for him, now would be a good time to start standing up for yourself. To start being brave and being less forgiving of those who wrong you-Kylo included. A normal person would not have tortured you like that, he really did deserve to die at Kylo's hand. You were now First Order royalty, you didn't deserve any of that.

“Kylo?” You said as you snuggled down into your blanket nest. He had gotten up from the dining room and walked around the couch over to you. You locked eyes with him, trying to pout as best as you could to gain as much sympathy from him as you possibly could. “Will you kill Hux please? I want him to die.” As you uttered the word “die” a smile burned slowly across your face, one that Kylo reciprocated gently. “I'll try, love. Now rest.” He bent down and kissed your forehead, his lips leaving your soft skin with a light smack. After that you took his advice, resting up as best as you could.

 

The next day Kylo made you take another pregnancy test, when it came up negative he took you back to the medbay to be sure you had not previously been pregnant and miscarried due to your deplorable treatment. The test was invasive, uncomfortable, and also involved drawing your blood and collecting your urine. By the time all of the test results came back you were tired, but happy to hear you were never with child during the attack. You knew that if that were the case Kylo would be even angrier with Hux and would perhaps even go out of his way to track him down and kill him.

While you were there Kylo asked the doctor why you had not conceived a child quite yet, he went over every small detail he could with him: how many times you had sex, what you ate, what you did during the day, even down to what clothes you had worn. “I just don't understand doctor, we've been trying for so long, why hasn't this worked yet?” The doctor looked at you from head to toe, even you anxiously waited his answer.

You almost thought he was going to say it was all in your mind-that you fought so hard mentally to not get pregnant. You were afraid, afraid of being committed to a child for the rest of your life, and of the pain of childbirth, and of carrying a baby around for 9 months. The entire thing was overwhelming, especially since you honestly felt like you weren't ready. In the past few months you felt like you had matured, but not enough to rear your own child. That was such a huge responsibility that Kylo was blindly placing on you, the entire situation was terrifying.

“It could be a lot of things. But if I had to guess I would say it's stress.” Kylo's head whipped toward you so fast it almost sent your head spinning. His look of disbelief made you ill, he almost looked angry at the idea that you were remotely stressed out. “Stress? _You're_ stressed?” You blinked at him, his tone indicated he was irritated, like he had overlooked something so simple in his equation to make a baby. “Um, well, I was yesterday.”

“No, not just yesterday. Are you always stressed out?” Just the way he was aggressively asking you that question stressed you out. It was such an ironic conversation. “N-No! Not all the time. I just-”

“Okay, we're done. Let's go.” Kylo grabbed your wrist and pulled you out of the chair. He pulled you out of medbay and all the way down the halls back to your quarters and thrust you inside.

“Why didn't you tell me you were stressed out all the time?”

“I'm-I'm not! Kylo please believe me I'm not.”

“What is it that stresses you out love? All this time there's been something bothering you and you haven't told me?” His voice was rising, he was getting angry. You could tell he was not angry with you, he was angry at himself for overlooking such a minute problem. “Nothing, I swear, nothing is stre-”

“Bullshit!” He said as he knocked one of the dining room chairs over. While you looked on at his contained rage the conversation you had with yourself the previous day replayed in your head.

_You had to start sticking up for yourself._

“Kylo! Calm down!” You could have added a please in that sentence, but decided Kylo would have to listen to you and you didn't want to be nice. You moved to fiddle with your ring when you realized you didn't have it, when had it disappeared? Your heart began to pound in your chest, now that your ring was gone would he still act lovingly toward you? Or would he go back to his old ways, would he hurt you to know it had been lost or stolen? 

You thought it didn't matter, at this point you had absolutely nothing to lose. You might as well stick up for yourself and face the consequences.

Kylo was facing away from you, when you spoke he turned around. His face was so strict, so angry and rigid. He couldn't believe you had spoken out like that to him. He took four giant steps toward you, you two were practically chest to chest. As brave as you felt you were, you couldn't help feeling just a tad bit nervous with how he just reacted to you.

“I am calm!” He nearly shouted back at you. That action told you that he definitely was not calm. Kylo was obviously not going to let you out of this conversation without you telling him something. So you decided to tell him the truth, even though he wasn't stressing you out, the thought of disappointing him was very discouraging to you.

“Nothing is stressing me out, but I'm just-” You fought in your mind to find the right words to describe how you felt, you didn't want to upset Kylo further by saying the wrong thing. “I just don't like how hard your pushing the baby. I don't feel like I'm ready yet and when you're constantly bugging me about it and switching things up, it just makes me really anxious.”

You watched Kylo's face burn down from red back to his normal pale skin. He began to relax, then took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair. “I'm sorry. I can see how that would bother you.” He took a step back but you followed him, throwing yourself at him as he caught you in his arms. “See? I wasn't stressed. We just, just need to take this baby thing a little bit slower. It's not working now, but it will one day...” You grabbed his face to further bring his attention to you, he seemed to let his eyes wander everywhere but on your face. “Please, can we just take a small break? We can see a fertility specialist in a few weeks.”

Kylo looked on at you for what seemed like an eternity, studying and thinking on your words closely. “Let's take a break and in one month we'll see a specialist.” You smiled brightly at him. Before, you had gotten him to comply with what you want scarecely, this was the first time he had agreed with you, but made the deal that much sweeter. Instead of a few weeks now you'd have a month before you two started trying for a baby again. You hugged him, taking note of the fact that this was probably his way of saying sorry and making it up to you for not getting to Hux right away.

 

A month came and went, your exam with the fertility specialist came and went as well. The results were completely discouraging to everyone. Nearly a year of non stop stress on your body from being with Kylo in the First Order did make you more or less infertile. The combination of depression and being raped repeatedly as well as added stress and beatings took a much bigger toll on your body than you or Kylo could have imagined. Due to your anatomy getting pregnant naturally wasn't completely out of the realm of possibilities, but the doctor recommended IVF. That was the best option for the results Kylo was looking for.

“Even if you do manage to conceive naturally, the possibility of the fetus thriving is very-”

“I understand, doctor.” Kylo cut him off.

His words rang in your head, you didn't want to believe Kylo, your own husband, had destroyed your body to this extent. All the times he turned on you with his fists, or yelled at you, or grabbed you a little too hard, it all came down to this. This was literally all his fault. You bit the inside of your cheek as to not cry while sitting in the doctors office. Yes, you didn't want to become a mother yet, but that didn't mean you didn't want to be a mother at all. Even if you found a way to get away from Kylo now you'd have next to no chance of carrying that persons child. Your life, as far as you had seen it, was ruined.

Once you were back in his Command Shuttle you began to make your way to his quarters. You had heard him say something to you but instead of paying any attention to him you just hugged yourself tighter and shoved your way past him. Once in his quarters you closed the door and slid down it onto your butt. You hugged your knees as tight as you could to your chest and cried as hard but silently as you could.

You felt the shuttle shake to life as your crying slowed, you could only imagine how Kylo must have been feeling right now, considering the fact that he had everything to do with this predicament. Maybe he was out front piloting and crying at the same time you were. This was his grand slam idea in the first place. He wanted this much more than you did.

You expected him to come in and ask how you were doing, to try to help and console you, but he didn't. The entire flight you spent by yourself in his small, sad quarters, thinking to yourself if you wanted a baby so badly you'd try IVF. You didn't know, and at the time you didn't care. You just sat by yourself and cried every few minutes. Everything was officially not fine anymore.

 

“Can I ask you something?” You started a shaky conversation with Kylo a few days later. Sitting in your favorite giant window staring out at the snowy landscape you were drawing what you saw: Snow covered trees and rocks, beautiful sunrise, and storm troopers training in rows of five. Kylo was heading out the door to work as you stopped him. You two had only exchanged a handful of words after getting the bad news a few days ago, so this conversation was strangely awkward.

“Sure?” His helmeted voice answered you, you were growing to hate the time he spent with his helmet on, you weren't even sure why.

You didn't even bother to look up from your drawing to speak to him, because you felt with about 70 percent certainty you knew the answer to your own question. You frowned at small detail you couldn't quite get down correctly in a nearby tree, frustrated with both Kylo and yourself at the moment.

“That night on the Finalizer, when I ended up in the hospital, were we really about to take a walk?” You somewhat angrily erased the small leaf for the 5th time as you sat in silence waiting for his answer. You realized that was the most severe beating you had ever had while in the custody of the First Order, you were willing to bet any amount of credits that that's where most of the damage done to your body came from.

Kylo was still silent as you put the pencil tip to the paper once more, so you spoke up again as you felt your anger getting out of hand. “Was I _really_ beaten by storm troopers? Or was I right that you lied to me and the doctor?” Your frown turned into a very angry grimace as you remembered that day, how Kylo fired that doctor when her test didn't come up the way he wanted them to, as he surely lied to you about getting beat by storm troopers.

“Well, Kylo? Which was it? Did you beat me or not?” Just as you began to turn your head to glare at him you managed to see only the tail end of his black robes flash out of the door. One of the ways Kylo answered your questions: not answering them at all. As soon as you were sure he wasn't coming back you tossed your pencil down to the floor and furiously chucked your sketchbook at the door. It really was all his fault you'd have trouble conceiving from now on.

“Fuck!” You shouted as you turned back toward the window, the storm troopers were now gone and you felt so alone. You were so angry you couldn't even cry, Kylo couldn't even offer the human decency to give you the explanation you wanted.

You willed yourself to relax just a bit more, getting angry wouldn't solve any of your problems in the current moment, you had to stay calm and docile. Then a crazy thought began bouncing through your mind.

“It's weird that...” You began to speak it out loud, because even you could hardly belive the realization that you came to. “Someone who really didn't want a child before hand...” you drew circles on the window, almost making yourself believe the circles were more important than coming to terms with how you now felt. “After finding out they're infertile, would now really want-”

A sudden loud, explosive noise drew you rapidly out of your thoughts. The sound of glass breaking and then the sound and harsh feeling of your body crashing to the floor took you by complete surprise. You were lying face down, your head buried under your hands as you waited for more terrifying noises to play out over you. When you were sure they were over you let out a scream, a bit of a delayed reaction you were happy to admit.

_What the fuck just happened?_

You were sort of afraid to stand up and see what happened, after all to you there was just an attack on the base. But you scurried onto your hands and knees anyway, for some sick reason you wanted to see the blaster fire going on outside yourself, maybe you'd even see Kylo outside as well.

You crawled up to the window, placed your hands on the sill one hand at a time, then ever so slowly lifted yourself so that your eyes just barely looked over the sill. You forrowed your brows as you realized everything looked fairly normal outside. No one was out there, and everything seemed to be in tact. Just as you got the courage to lift yourself up fully and asses the situation you saw a quick flash of red, another explosive noise rang through your ears and the glass shattered once again. This time you were thrown completely back, stumbling just enough to keep you on your toes.

You squinted, seeing just enough outside to confirm that there was no war, someone was just fucking with you.

Now even angrier than before, you marched up to the window, the fact that it was nearly obliterated flew right over your head as you looked out into the landscape and were met with a lone storm trooper. He was holding his blaster and the up and down motion of his shoulders told you he was laughing nonchalantly at you. You grimaced at him, just as he lifted his fingers into a “V” shape and put them at the muzzle of his helmet. You turned away, disgusted at his lewd display. When you turned back around he was walking away, much to your happiness.

As you thought of what a dumb ass he was, how he scared the pants off you and could have harmed you the way you dove to the ground. What an idiot! He even broke the window with his little game. _Ugh!_ Kylo will be so pissed when he comes home. Now anyone could see the broken window and break it even further. You were in danger because of him, you were-

The thought hit you like a train to the face. Very dazed, you walked over to the window and placed your finger against it. As you swiped it down a small shard of glass was embedded in the tip of your finger. It felt like you were in a dream, so you picked another piece, and another, and another. Before your knew it there was a golf ball sized hole in the window from where you had picked the glass out.

First came the chair, you placed it in front of the window and sat and leaned back so your feet were planted firmly on the wall. You were hazy, not even sure if this was what you wanted to do or not. You occupied your mind with a few practice kicks against the wall, not even thinking about the bare skin of your feet. You didn't want to take the time to put on boots when this might not even work, just like the last time you tried to break out of this window.

You swallowed hard, all of the sudden self conscious of Kylo walking in on you planning your escape.

_Stand up for yourself, stop being so forgiving._

He beat you, he raped you, he belittled you, and he ruined your body. You were going to stand up for yourself and break out of your prison, you didn't care if it got you killed.

So you brought your knee up to your chest and slammed your foot as hard as you could into the glass, the immediate chill on your toes and the sound of glass breaking and falling into his quarters caused your eyes to fly open. Although a little bit bloody, your foot now dangled out of his quarters. This was it, this was your time to get away. Your freedom sat in front of you and all you had to do was take it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Author is allergic to avocados.


	29. The Great Escape II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and an epilogue to go. Woohoo!

You rushed back to the bedroom and hastily threw on your coat, boots, and pants. The entire time your heart was hammering against your rib cage, you were terrified of Ren coming home and seeing you jumping out the window, or finding out that the window was broken in the first place. It wasn't that you were afraid of him harming you, you were afraid of disappointing him and him finding another way of punishing you for running away.

You pushed the thought into the back of your mind with a high pitched whine, you felt as if you couldn't zip your jacket up fast enough. Once you were fully dressed and had your boots laced up you actually ran to the window. You didn't think twice about grabbing anything to take with you, all you wanted to do was throw yourself through that window and find your freedom as fast as you could.

So you climbed onto the sill and pushed your torso through the broken window. The cold air nearly burned the skin in your face as you squinted and looked out at the snow below you. This was really happening right now. You let go of another whimper as you scooted your butt outside, realizing you had no plan after crawling out of the window.

You bit your lip as you looked down, the wind rustled your hair to the right as it almost pulled you out of his window and sent you tumbling to the ground. You came to a brand new revelation as you sat on the broken glass:

This was way more terrifying than you thought it was going to be.

What seemed like a 2 or 3 story drop was actually much higher than you thought, you were not usually afraid of heights but as you looked down the silver wall of windows and into the never ending abyss of snow you were afraid for your life. The only part of you that was even still inside of Kylo's quarters were your feet that dangled over the sill, now would be the time to jump.

You began to wonder how you should land in the snow. You had heard different theory's over the years that landing on your stomach was best to preserve your spine, but also had heard landing on your back was best to preserve your internal organs and your ribs. As you manuvered yourself to get ready to jump you were talking to yourself out loud: “Just jump! Kylo will be home soon and he'll catch you. Just land on your back-No! No your stomach. Argh! No, just-just land on your stomach.

“You can do this! It's better than Kylo coming home and getting angry with you-”

A strong, sudden gust of wind sent you literally flying from your perch and into the air to the right. You went tumbling in the air screaming, the argument with yourself about whether you needed to land on your back or belly went flying away from you as well. You had originally told yourself you wouldn't make a noise as you fell away from the base, but that plan had changed as well for you were now screaming as loud as you could as you plummeted toward the snowy earth.

As you got closer and closer to the ground you realized you were not aiming to land on your back or your belly, you were about to land on your head. Even in that split second before changing positions to your stomach you knew landing on your head from that height would definitely kill you. You didn't want to die, you wanted to get away.

Everything was white before you hit the ground, but once the cold snow enveloped your body everything was black. It wasn't because you died or passed out, it was because you had sunken right into the middle of a snow bank. Although it was freezing cold underneath all the now, you stopped and checked yourself out: Two arms, two legs, barely any pain. You moved your fingers and toes, moved both of your arms and legs, bent your neck and found you had no broken bones. The only issue you had was you were likely sore and bruised from your trip down.

Immediately you began shoveling your way out and working your way up. The snow was so cold on your hands-you cured yourself for not remembering your gloves. Once you were out you found your footing you took a step back and looked up toward the window you had jumped out of, it seemed so far away now. You started to wonder how you made it out of that window and down onto the ground alive, but then realized you didn't have the time. Instead, you turned and ran in a random direction. You didn't want to be around when Kylo found out you were gone.

 

–

Kylo was standing in front of some of General Hux's inferiors, people who answered to him on a daily basis. He was giving a speech on why he was no longer around and why they didn't need him. “He was a foolish man, a cowardly cretin. He had no place in the Order and will no longer have a place in the Order. We will hire a new general. We will-” He cut himself off as, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something fall outside of the window. It was black, he thought it was just a bird or some other creature at first. But then he realized it was much to big to be just a standard bird.

“Commander?” one of the students tried to gain his attention again, but he ignored her. Instead he went to the window, looked left right and down to see what it was that flew by, but he saw nothing. But then, trapped in a snow bank right under his window he saw someone's boot sticking out of a snow bank, wiggling about as if they were hurt.

“Commander Ren?” Kylo turned his attention back to his class, he reasoned with himself that it was just a maintenance worker that fell off the roof of the base by accident. “Apologies. Where were we?” He went back to lecturing about how terrible Hux was, not thinking twice about who he thouht was sitting in that snowbank under the class room.

 

Once he was finished he took a lunch break. He started to order food to his office when he had a better idea: He hadn't eaten lunch with his wife in quite a while. He missed her, felt terrible that their last interaction together ended with him running away from her. He had just gotten done saying Hux was a coward, now look at who is cowardly. He couldn't even tell his wife the truth that she was looking for.

“You!” He said, stopping the next storm trooper he saw wandering the halls. The trooper stopped, took two defensive steps back, but eventually regained his composure and stood at attention to his Commander. “Go out and find the biggest bouquet of flowers you can, they need to be y/f/color, all of them.” The trooper nodded his head and affirmed him with a “yes sir!” before gripping his blaster and running down the hallway past Kylo. Under his helmet he smiled, thinking of his wife's favorite food for lunch. He pulled out his datapad and ordered it, had it sent to his office and made his way up there. He was determined to make this lunch memorable for her, to tell her the truth about her second night in his care and to make it up to her.

 

–

You were running through the trees and the bushes as fast as your legs could carry you. The cold air burned your nostrils all the way down to your lungs, the results were tears pricking your eyes with the pain. Your fingers felt as if they were freezing together, you could barely feel them along with your nose and cheeks. It was awful, but you ran on.

This was a much different experience than when you played in the snow with Eli, you didn't have this much adrenaline flowing through your veins when you played. A part of you wanted to stop and rest, to build a snowman or make a snow angel or something, but there wasn't any time; you had to keep going.

Every once and a while you'd stop and look back at the base, look back to see if anyone was chasing you or not. No one ever was and you were proud to see the base getting smaller and smaller to the point that it disappeared after about fifteen minutes of running. With a smile on your face, you kept running.

Eventually, you had to stop. About to collapse with exhaustion you ducked into a near by bush, you managed to squeeze yourself in there and sit semi comfortably. The leaves and branches provided you protection from the snow and you managed to warm yourself just a bit. As you rubbed the warm back into your cheeks you realized you had absolutely no idea where you were going. You didn't know anything about Star Killer base and the planet it was, you didn't even know how you were going to get off of it. You bit down on your lip hard as you began to panic, had you thought of this before you jumped you would never have thought twice about leaving. Now what?

 

–

The food and flowers made it to his office and he stacked them neatly next to each other. He instructed the droid that delivered the food to follow him to his quarters and to not tell a soul about what was going on. The droid made a series of beeps that indicated to Kylo it understood and the two made their way to his quarters.

Once they were there, Kylo took a moment outside of his door to consider his next action, what he would say to her once he entered. This was the first time in the consensual part of their relationship that she was angry with him. On any other day both she and he were happy, or she was sad and upset, or he was angry. It was never the other way around. He was determined not to get angry at her no matter what happened, getting angry never solves anything.

So he scanned his hand and entered his quarters. The first thing he noticed was how terribly, _terribly_ cold it was. It was almost as if they had shut his power off again. He shivered, even under all of his armor he was freezing. “Y/n?” He called out to her, she must have been very uncomfortable at the moment, he had to get her removed from their quarters.

There was no answer, so he assumed she had moved to their bedroom to warm herself with their blankets. He made his way to the back and slowly opened the door: she was not there. His heart began racing, what was the meaning of this? He ran back into his living room and immediately laid eyes upon the reason why it was so bone chilling cold, the window.

His jaw fell open and had his eyes flew open even wider, they would have rolled right out of his head. He had _just_ got her back from nearly losing her the first time and now she was gone again? Yanked right out of his own window by who knows who? Kylo let out a scream-what would he do now? She was much easier to find when she was on the base, it would be nearly impossible to find her when she was out in the open.

Kylo took his lightsaber and ignited it, slashing the droid and the cart that carried their food in half. He allowed himself to lose control of his anger, he was petrified. He didn't know what to do first, he didn't know who could have possibly been strong enough to break the window that was supposed to be unbreakable, a long with the others in his quarters.

As he slashed his saber into the droid for the fifth time, he had to stop himself. He realized destroying the droid would not help him in finding his wife, he had to talk himself through this if he was going to have any success in bringing her back. And that success would have to start with sending out every single storm trooper to find her, to search every single snow bank, tree, bush, and inch of Star Killer base. If they didn't find her here then he'd send them all into the sky and he'd send them to search every single planet.

He made a promise on her ring that he'd bring her back no matter where she went, he intended to keep it.

 

–

You had sat under that bush for what seemed like forever trying to decide how you'd get yourself out of this predicament. You had been gone for so long you were almost certain your absence had been noticed and Kylo would be after you soon, you didn't have time to think, you just had to go!

Instead of running you gave yourself a break and walked forward, you were freezing cold and didn't think you had the energy to keep running. No one was after you at the moment, so you assumed you had time to just walk and figure you grand escape out. Maybe you'd come by a cave or a civilization of exiled storm troopers that you could join, there must be somewhere you could hide out on this planet!

After about two hours of walking and finding nothing you sat down and took another break behind a rock-it shielded you from the wind nicely. You were beginning to lose hope in your escape plan. You leaned up against the rock and groaned, how would you ever get yourself out of this mess? You would die out here, you weren't sure how far away from the main base you were but there's no way you could make it back even if you wanted to. You were almost certain there was nothing out here on the planet for you.

You couldn't cry, it was too cold and your tears were all wasted on the cold in your nose and in your eyes. You had to think of another plan! You couldn't just die out here, there had to be something you could do!

_Think, think!_

Where could you go? You could go back to the base, try and see if you could get someone to fly you away. That's it! That seemed like a good enough plan. You just had to figure out a way to evade Kylo the entire time you were there. You could do it, you thought to yourself. You could do anything! You were brave, you would not let Kylo stop you.

As soon as you stood to retrace your steps the sound of Storm Trooper voices rang in your ears. You ducked down, listening carefully to what they were saying:

“What are the chances we find this woman? There's no guarantee she's even still on the base. She could be anywhere by now.”

Your teeth chattered and fear shot up your spine, there were officially people looking for you now. If you were caught there was no coming back, you were sure you'd be killed. You couldn't let them catch you, so you stood and ran in the opposite direction from which they came. As you ran you were ducking, trying to stay out of their line of sight. You relaxed just a little bit more as you ran away from them, their voices blending further and further into the distance. But then you heard more, and more, till it was as if they were surrounding you.

You ran faster and faster, your stomach had begun churning and you were feeling incredibly ill all of the sudden. You were determined not to get caught, so you ran through your discomfort. You were sure none of the troopers had seen you, if they did you would hear them or probably would have been shot by now-you felt safe.

That was until you tripped over a hidden tree root, causing you to trip, fall, and roll several feet down a hill you had missed. Your body made loud thumping noises every time you returned from the ground from being airborne. You desperately grabbed out for a branch or a rock, anything that you could grab to stop yourself from falling. But you felt nothing, and you couldn't stop yourself from rolling off a giant cliff that you had understandably not seen as you were making your way down the hill.

Your arms and legs flailed in mid air as you plunged toward the ground, you didn't even bother screaming as to not attract unwanted attention to yourself. You didn't see where you were going to land, too afraid it was going to be on a jagged rock or a tree branch that you'd impale yourself on.

It felt as if you had free fallen for years by the time you painfully hit the ground. You landed with a loud grunt, heard a loud cracking noise and immediately thought of the worst possibility. Was it your arm? Your leg? Your skull? You didn't know, and at the time realized that you didn't care either because you realized the crack wasn't one of your bones.

It was the ice that you were sliding across.

Once you came to a complete stop you lifted your head to see the damage done. There was tons.

You sat right in the middle of a huge, frozen lake, it was at least twice the size of the pond you loved so much on your honey moon. The nonstop soft crackling noises told you the ice was very very thin, and that you were very very fucked. With a small whimper, you dug your fingernails into the ice and heard an even louder crack-Yep, definitely very thin.

You took a deep breath and desperately tried to calm yourself, your mind was telling you this is definitely how you were going to die. How many people fell into freezing cold water and lived? Or at least made it out with all of their limbs?

Logic. You had to keep your cool and think logically!

_You are brave, you are smart! You'll get through this._

You looked around as best as you could and determined you were closer to the shore on your right side than any other side. You could get yourself over there safely, you were sure of it.

Slowly, you turned yourself on your stomach to face the right shore, with every movement you made the crackling ice got louder and closer to you-but you still kept your cool. You were maybe ten feet from the shore, you could easily walk to the other end. You held your breath as you began to stand yourself up, whenever you heard a louder cracks you'd stop. The ice created spider webs under your fingers, _keep your cool._ Even through your thick pants you felt as if the ice was burning your knee caps with frostbite, your fingers were beginning to turn blue.

You shivered as you stood confidently on your feet, the cold was mixing with your fear and adrenaline. All you had to do was get to the other end of the lake, you could do this.

“I can do this. I can do this.” You said to yourself as you put your left foot out in front of you, then your right. You took minute long breaks in between each foot, assessing the ice below you and making sure it wasn't going to give out. Another wave of nausea hit you as you took your 3rd step, your nerves were on fire and you couldn't shake the impending doom you felt lingering over your head. Another step, this one you took a little too fast as you nearly slipped, you foot almost sliding out from under you.

“Slow down. Sloooow down!” You reminded yourself. Another step, then another, and another. Once you were about five feet from the bank you relaxed a bit, it was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You took another deep breath. One step, then another, then another, then-

You let out a scream as you fell into the ice cold freezing water. Apparently you had stepped on a weak spot in the ice, as a result your life was now in grave danger. You kicked and kicked and moved your arms rapidly to try and stay afloat, but it was just so cold. This time, you screamed. Getting killed by Kylo for running away was much more enjoyable than dying in cold water.

“Help! I'm down here! Help!” You pleaded with anyone who would hear you for as long as you could keep your head up above the water. Your teeth were chattering non stop as you looked helplessly on, you didn't see or hear anyone. You threw your arms out over the ice that was still intact and planted your fingernails firmly into the ice, but when you pulled yourself up the ice broke, sending you further down under water.

You had swallowed some on your way back up, your teeth felt as if they would shatter each time they clattered together, your throat and stomach felt as if they were shrinking with the cold. Once you found your way to the surface you realized one of your feet was completely numb, you couldn't feel it at all. As if you weren't panicking enough already, you let out a scream-had your foot fallen off?

You didn't have time to find out, the only thing you could do was focus on moving your body straight forward toward the edge of the river. As you moved yourself forward the ice would break, it turns out right was the wrong way to go as the ice was very very thin.

“Y/n!” You jumped and screamed at the sound of Kylo's voice, turned around and saw him standing in the middle of the lake. It was strange, because he was standing with his waist above the ice, everything below his waist was in the water.

“Kylo! Help! Help me please!” You said as you began swimming back toward him. “Kylo! Come get me, help me!” You began to say 'I'm sorry' to him, but a shiver stopped you. You stopped moving your arms and just held your self in a weak attempt to warm yourself up, staring at him and waiting for him to come rescue you.

“W-W-Why won't you help me!” You took a dive toward him, thinking maybe you could just jump up on the firm ice you started out on and run to him, but instead you ended up in the water again. By this point your hair was mostly icicles, your fingers, toes, and ears were all blue and you could hardly feel them. Why wasn't Kylo coming to your rescue? When you came back up you realized why he wasn't helping you: he was no longer there. You were confused and disoriented, where could he have gone that quickly? Why didn't he help you?

You spin yourself around and forgot about it, your mission changing back to getting to land. Ever so slowly you made your way back to the ice, trying to conserve your energy to go back to breaking the ice in front of you. You whimpered as you were rapidly losing feeling in your palms as well, your one foot might as well have been completely gone-and you didn't care. You were almost there, almost out of the water.

As soon as your fingers touched the snow you hauled yourself out of the water. Immediately you curled into a ball and vomited. Normally, such an action would leave your mouth feeling warmer, this time it did not. You noticed you weren't even shivering anymore, all you could do was sit there. You felt like you were in a dream, everything was hazy and you couldn't exactly get in touch with reality. Your foot that had went numb first was now numb all the way up to your knee, your other limbs were getting to that point but you could still wiggle your fingers and toes.

You rolled onto your back and let out an almost cry, a cry that stopped in your throat because you couldn't push it out any further. You closed your eyes, all of the sudden feeling extremely warm. So warm, infact, it felt very pleasant. It was almost as if you were sitting on the balcony when you were on your honey moon. You smiled, not really sure how you got so heated, but you weren't about to complain.

“Ms. Y/n! Over here!” You looked over and saw Eli. “Eli? What are you doing here?” The small boy was dressed in his First Order jacket and the rest of his winter clothes. You were confused as to what he was doing back on the base, or how he even got back on the base. More importantly, how did he get to you and why was he alone.

“Lets make snow angels! I wanna make a snow angel!” Eli said as he collapsed into the snow, moving his arms and legs to make the special imprint. You were silent as you watched him having fun in the snow, then decided to join him. You moved the limbs that you could up and down, trying to mimic Eli's actions as best as you could. “H-H-How does it look, bud?” You called out. You didn't get response. “Eli?” You called out to him, still nothing.

“Remove your clothing.” You turned your head to the other side of you and saw Kylo again. You smiled brightly and excitedly at him, he was dressed in nothing but his boxers and standing over you, everything about him screamed sex.

Very quickly and enthusiastically you unzipped your jacket and did your best to remove it. You played with your shirt, pulling it over your head as best as you could. Your pants and underwear were next. Athough you felt very naked, in reality your shirt was still around your neck, your jacket sat still threaded through your left arm, and your pants and panties rested on the bottom of your thighs. You stared up lovingly at Kylo, you hadnt had sex in such a long time and you were so ready. He leaned down and covered your eyes, everything was black and serene.

He never uncovered them.

 

– Kylo had the entire planet and base on lock down. Nobody left and nobody came. If you werent looking for his wife then you were locked in your quarters, the recreational areas of the base were shut down, and the hangars were all closed. Kylo himself was on the lookout for his wife as well, looking around the corners and in the shadows to see if she was simply hiding from him. He never found her, however, and with every passing second he grew more and more worried she was in danger again.

He had no idea who could have taken her, other than Hux. But in reviewing the camera footage from earlier he didn't see him or anyone who could have been him enter the base. He checked the outer cameras as well, but low and behold there were no cameras that montered his quarters

“Fuck!” He exclaimed, he'd have to kill the person who placed the cameras. He was the most important person in the Order, why didn't he have a camera outside of his window?

The entire search took four hours, and it ended when lieutenant Mitaka came up behind Kylo. He was timid, quiet, not ready to deliver the news on the whereabouts of his wife. It seemed like a death sentence to him, with how angry Kylo could get. But he had no choice, no one else would inform him so he had to. At least he lived a good life.

“Sir?” Kylo whipped around, his mask concealing the look of hope he had for his wife being found. He saw the look of dread and the sweat falling from Mitaka's brow. Something wasn't right. He watched as he gulped, his eyes glimmered just a bit in the light. Was he...crying? “Sir...we've, we've recovered-” Kylo's breath immediately hitched in his chest. Why in the world had he said 'recovered?' Mitaka apparently picked up on that, as he flinched away from Kylo in fear.

He cleared his throat, stepping back to him and regaining his composure. “We've found your wife.” Kylo watched in horror as Mitaka removed his hat and placed it over his left breast, over his heart. A tear slipped from Mitaka's eye and onto the ground. Kylo's body went completely limp as he realized there's only one reason why someone would perform that action.

“No. No!”

He had lost her again.

 


	30. Chained

Kylo burst through the doors of medbay, the walls too familiar to him as he had just been here with the girl a month earlier. Mitaka had been wrong, she wasn't dead she was just hanging on by the smallest thread. She had been found buried in the snow, her clothes were nearly stripped off of her and her left foot had been completely bare, she would be lucky if the doctors could save her foot-let alone save her life.

She was sitting on a medical cot with dozens of doctors surrounding her. From all of the people and the ruckus going on in the room Kylo should have been getting a headache, but he wasn't. The only thing he could hear was the sound of his wife's breathing. She would take one huge breath in, hold it for three seconds, then exhale only to take another breath in what seemed like an eternity later.

“Y/n.” He whispered, not believing what his eyes were showing him. Her skin was practically blue, her hair was frozen solid in places, her eyes were open and rolled up into the back of her head, if it weren't for her huge intakes of breath every once and a while he would have thought she was dead.

Around her, the doctors were ordering for warming blankets and desperately rubbing her hands and feet to bring heat back to the areas.

She took another breath, would it be her last?

Kylo's knees felt weak and he felt completely powerless. How could he have let this happen to her? Who could have wanted her dead so bad they would yank her from her home and throw her into a freezing cold lake? He should have been there, this wouldn't have happened if he wouldn't have been such an idiot and trusted Hux.

“Clear!” One of the doctors shouted over everyone. Kylo was able to focus on the cot and saw y/n's body jump up into the air. One of the doctors had a defibrillator and was actively using it-she had gone into cardiac arrest.

“Clear!” Again, the metal objects shocked her heart and sent her body twitching again. To Kylo, everything was moving in such slow motion. He could hear the sharp whine of the defibrillator charging up, the jolting noise of it shocking her heart, and the sound of her body as it convulsed on the cot.

“She isn't responding.”

“Am I calling time of death?”

“Try it one more time.”

“Clear!” Charge, buzz, shock, convulsion.

The only thing that he could think of was he really was about to lose his wife now, there was no helping it. He abruptly left the room, pushing the nurses around as he did. He did not want to be present when his wife was declared dead.

He was empty.

 

–

You were awake. Finally awakened from this nightmare. Freezing to death was one of your biggest fears, you hated the thought of being so cold. It was a terrifying dream and you weren't sure what would have brought on such a terrible nightmare.

But why were you awake in the medbay again? Weren't you just here? You were tortured by General Hux, then you were released, then sent back home with Kylo, and then-

You screamed when you realized it hadn't been a dream. Your limbs were dangerously numb and your skin was still a cold and clammy blue color. You had actually fallen into a frozen lake and had nearly frozen to death trying to get away from Kylo and the First Order.

The even scarier part was you had been caught.

The doctors around you were saying something to you, several of them were rubbing their hands on your extremities trying to warm you up. You couldn't hear them, too worried about where Kylo was and what he would do to you when he found out you had run away from him and almost gotten yourself killed.

“She is resuscitated. Keep warming her.” A doctor that was standing off to the right of you was holding a defibrillator, that's when you had realized you went into cardiac arrest.

None of it was a dream.

You had lost track of time as you drifted in and out of consciousness on the table. Every once and a while you would feel one of the doctors poking your hands and feet and ask if you could feel it or not. You'd answer yes most of the time, but not when your left foot was poked. When you looked up you could see lots of dead skin, black and blistery looking. “You can't feel anything in this foot?” Timidly, you shook your head no. You continued to shake your head no until he got to your knee where you could finally feel him poking you with his broken Popsicle stick. It was pointy, painful, and sharp. With how hard he was pressing the splintered end into you you worried about your foot.

“It-it's fixable right?” You asked him as he pulled out a marker and began poking you again around your knee. “It would take a miracle.” He said, then drawing a broken line right below where you still had sensations.

You began whimpering, this wasn't actually happening. You were dreaming. You had to be dreaming! You weren't really about to have your leg amputated, you really hadn't frozen nerly to death, you just had to relax and wake up.

Relax and wake up.

Relax.

And Wake up.

“We're going to have to amputate her left leg, contact Commander Ren and let him know.”

You couldn't wake up because this wasn't a dream-you were just in denial.

“Wait! Don't cut my leg off! I can feel it, I promise I can feel it!” Tears threatened your eyes as you begged the doctor not to take your leg. You were fully aware of the detriment keeping the limb could cause you, severe frostbite was no joke and would likely kill you. Again, it was the denial. You didn't want to live without your leg, it was just something so different and horrifying, something that you weren't prepared for.

As you were begging them to save your leg, the doctors were preparing you for removing it. Teaching you how to care for the wound, rubbing some brown liquid up and down your leg, counting the tools for removal, it was all so surreal. You cried, wishing you had been smarter than to jump out of that window-this just wasn't worth any of the running you had done. You'd happily live the rest of your life being submissive to Kylo if it meant you would have kept your leg.

But it was too late.

The doctors had to strap you down in your cot: First your arms, then your foot, then your head. You couldn't stop thrashing, couldn't stop shaking in fear of your life and limb. This wasn't worth it and it would never be worth it.

Just as they started wheeling you to the OR the door in your small room flew open and in came Kylo. He practically ran up to your cot and pulled it back through the door. You couldn't tell if he was looking at you under your helmet because you had refused to look at him, you figured if he was going to kill you you didn't want to see him do it.

“Her leg, it's going to be removed?” He asked the doctor as your cot came to a complete halt back in your room. “That is correct, if we don't get her into the operating room now then there could be even worse ramifications. We must act now, Commander.” Kylo stepped in front of the doctor and stretched your affected leg out in front of you. “Not necessary.” He removed his gloves and once again took your leg in both of his hands, not caring about the liquid cleanser that now coated his hands. You stared at him in silence, everyone else was silent as well watching intently as Kylo carried out his strange act.

He started grunting under his helmet, his arms began shaking as you saw his fingers tighten on your leg. It was so weird to see him digging his fingernails into your discolored flesh and not be able to feel him.

Suddenly, there was the lightest feathery touch on your leg, right under his fingertips. You began to struggle under his grasp as the feathers turned into hot coals, burning you to your bone. You held your eyes shut as tight as you could, opening your mouth you screamed as loud as you could. You begged Kylo to stop, the pain was even worse than when you had fallen into the lake-even worse than your memories being sorted through by snoke.

Your knee snapped back involuntarily, your toes stretched a the pain slowly crept into your foot filling your toes down to your toe nails. It was at that point that you realized the pain you felt was there-you were _feeling_ the pain he was causing you. You opened your eyes and stared in awe as the blisters and the dead skin was seemingly melting away, your skin tone returning to it's normal color surprisingly fast.

When he was done he let go with a loud grunt, stumbling back just a hair. The entire room was incredibly quiet, watching you move and stretch your leg over and over. “Force healing.” Someone mumbled in the back of the crowed. Kylo turned to face another doctor, told him to evaluate you and have you sent to his quarters as soon as possible. Kylo then turned to leave, but before actually leaving he stopped and looked at you. Staring back at up at him your stomach churned painfully, you weren't ready for what he had in store for you back at your quarters. He wasn't gushing over you at the moment, not

“I don't believe it.” One of the doctors said as he pushed and pulled at your leg. He studied it hard, flicking, pinching, tickling, and plucking at your flesh. “Who knew the Commander could force heal?” He smiled and then set your leg down gently. You weren't sure what to say either, your knowledge of the force was so little, Force healing had never even crossed your mind.

 

The doctors told you that you were better off staying in medbay but they had strict orders from Kylo Ren to have you sent directly to his quarters as soon as possible. So as soon as the doctors could give you a clean bill of health you were wheeled down to Kylo's quarters, just like the time he beat you nearly to death on the Finalizer.

Before you left, however, they asked you if you were having anymore pain that they could help you with. “Um, my chest hurts quite a bit.” You said with some hesitation. Your chest did hurt you, more specifically your breasts did feel quite sore. You looked down, tracing over where the pain was in your breasts. The doctor looked on, not quite showing any worry or interest in you. “Well, being submerged in freezing water can damage soft tissue like that. If the pain keeps up don't hesitate to give us a call.” You nodded in agreement, it made sense because you were also sore other places-all that kicking and running and swimming. You just never expected it would hurt your boobs. Regardless, they still packed you up and sent you on your way back home to Kylo without another thought.

 --

He was home, standing with his arms crossed over his chest in his robes and helmet. He never looked at the storm troopers that delivered you, he just kept his eyes on you and only you the entire time. As the troopers asked if he needed anything else he took a step toward you, grabbing your arm and gently pulling you up out of the chair and leading you back to the bed room. He waved them off with a flick of his wrist and they disappeared just as you did into the bedroom.

You were nervous as he instructed you to sit on the bed. He stood over you, staring you down through his helmet. You wondered why he hadn't started gushing over you, telling you he missed you and he never wanted to let you out of his sight. You twiddled your thumbs under his gaze, perhaps what was more uncomfortable than him going on and on about how he loved you was him not talking. Was he angry? Did he know you ran away? You ran your hand over your bare ring finger-this was going to hurt.

“Care to tell me how it happened?” He said, his real voice hidden from you under his helmet. “I-I...”You stumbled on your words, were too afraid to piece together a full coherent sentence. He was angry with you, and you didn't know if you should tell him the truth behind how you ended up outside or not. He gripped your jaw and forced you to look up at him, the leather on his gloves was something you hadn't felt on your bare skin in a while. He seemed so distant, he didn't feel like your loving husband at the moment.

“Did you jump through that window or did someone pull you through it.” You opened your mouth to respond but he cut you off once more.

“ _Well, Y/n? Which is it?”_ You gulped as you realized he was mocking you, mocking you from the day before when you asked him if he had beaten you. Instead of answering him you broke down crying in front of him.

Crying-you were tired of crying. Your life as of recent had been nothing but tears, you just wanted to be happy again.

“If you were kidnapped then who took you? They were very lenient. What kind of kidnapper would allow their victim time to change into heavier clothes?” You had stopped crying long enough to apologize to him, he did know that you tried to run away and you felt extremely remorseful. “Don't say sorry now, y/n. You weren't sorry when you were running through the snow away from the base and away from me.” Since he didn't want to hear your apologies you launched yourself into his arms, wrapped yours around his torso and cried into his chest. Internally you were chanting the words “I'm sorry” over and over like a spell, you weren't ready for him to hit you again.

Your ring was gone, there was no promises left from him.

He pushed you back onto the bed and crossed his arms once more, as if he was struggling to distance himself from you. “Stop acting like you love me when you clearly don't, y/n. It's getting old.” The mask normally made him sound so mundane and lifeless, but it hurt you even more today. You knew he felt betrayed and the guilt weight heavily on your heart.

It still wasn't worth it.

 

–

“Kylo, no, please. I do love you! I-”

“Get up. Sit at the end of the bed on the floor.” Kylo's heart was breaking, or at least what was left of it when he realized the girl had tried to run away. He really thought she had been kidnapped again, ripped painfully through the window that was supposed to have been indestructible. But no, when he saw her laying half dead on the gurney in her out door clothes, he knew exactly what had happened.

When he got back to inspect his quarters to see if what he was thinking was true, the lack of glass inside of his quarters on the ground was tell tale-it had been broken from the inside not the outside.

He had spent a lot of time crying alone and blaming himself, he couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that she didn't love him anymore. What had he done to make her risk her life falling out of his window, to run through the snow and into a frozen lake and almost lose her leg? He couldn't bare the thought of her dying because of whatever it was he did to her.

When he got the news she was alive still, he hurried down to medbay and got there right before she was due to have half of her leg surgically removed. He stopped them just as soon as they were wheeling her out of the door and wheeled her back in. Although she had wronged him he felt like she didn't deserve to lose a limb for what she had done, so he decided to do something he had never tried before.

Force healing is primarily an ability of the light side, but because he was born from the light side he had the ability. He would at least have to try, he didn't want her to suffer.

So he latched onto her leg and sent as much force energy as he could to it. So much so he felt weak, going almost completely lifeless as he transferred his vitality to her. He was shaking, she was screaming; and when he saw her toes flex and her leg turn back to her original skin tone he felt immediate relief. He kept going and going until the swear slid down his forehead and into his eyes, till he could barely stand.

His love for her still burned like a massive forest fire in his heart.

 

Now here he stood, about to do something he'd regret for the rest of his life. But what other choice did he have? None, he had none. He loved her and he absolutely _refused_ to lose her again.

“Why? Kylo I'm sorry, I love you!” She jumped up again and tried to wrap her arms around him in a sad hug, but he threw her off of him once more, this time onto the floor. “Because I said so, now move!” He said as he moved himself behind her. She wiped her eyes, bawling as she crawled on her hands and knees to the foot board of the bed. Once she was there and sitting on her butt, he instructed her to not move as he stalked to the closet.

He picked up the items, played with them in his hands wondering if he should really do this or not. Cold, heavy, and clunky. There'd be no going back once he executed his plan. With a heavy and stressful sigh he made his final decision: She tried to run away from him, she brought this upon herself.

 

He walked out with the lock and chains in both hands, when she tuned and saw them she nearly became severely distressed, jumping up and bolting from the ground. He was just fast enough to catch her, to shove her to the ground and forcefully hold her there. “No Kylo! No, please! I'm sorry, I'll do anything you want me to, Kylo!”

She screamed as if she was being murdered as he forced the biggest and first metal collar around her neck, shrieked loudly as he tried locking it. He pressed once, twice, then the third time it finally clicked indicating it was now locked. There was some resistance, some he didn't remember when he practiced locking and unlocking it, it was very strange. Her face was red, she began reaching behind her neck and pulling at her restraint.

“It hurts! It hurts so much! Take-take it off please!” She said between her tears. Kylo removed his hand, it was covered in blood. He looked down at her red, puffy, and wet face, he pitied her mostly. Deep down inside he felt she truly didn't deserve it, but her actions told him otherwise. “I'll clean it later.” He said to her as he reached for the other restraints: one for each of her wrists.

He had to wrestle her to get her to hold still long enough to cuff and lock each of her wrists, she kept reaching out and clutching his clothing which made it harder for him to lock. “Stop moving, the more you move the harder this is for me.” He said between clenched teeth. He didn't want to hurt her again, he felt terrible that he was even having to do this in the first place let alone the fact that he had accidentally made her bleed. She had cried loudly the entire time, he hated hearing her cry so much so tears slipped from his own eyes and collected around his chin in his helmet.

Once he was done he took a step back and sadly admired what sat in front of him. They had kindly dressed her in a night gown before leaving the medbay. She sat there with her gown hiked up to the top of her thighs chained to the bed. Her wrists were pinned up next to her head as she slouched against the bars of the footboard. Her lower lip was quivering as she looked up at him in disbelief. He squatted down in front of her, her eyes followed his every move. The only word she could say to him was 'why.'

“I won't lose you again, y/n. Not to a kidnapper, not to yourself, not to death. You will remain right here unless I say otherwise.”

She pulled at her restraints and tried to sit herself up, the action left her falling back down to her original slouching position. “Kylo, please don't do this to me! Please, I'll do anything, just tell me! I don't want to live like this!” She said to him between her sobs, her broken spirit was rubbing off on him, he thought it was time to take a break from the entire situation.

He retrieved a cotton ball and soaked it in some alcohol for her neck. He squatted down next to he and swiped it across her still bleeding wound, her reaction was to scream and arch her back painfully. He had caused her so much pain today, even more pain than he had ever caused her and it was tearing him a apart.

“I will have dinner sent to you tonight, yell to me if you need help.” Kylo said as he turned to leave. He shut the bedroom door behind him as he left, wanting to go to the kitchen and take a huge swing of his wine right from the bottle. He needed to relax, take the edge off and calm him down.

_This is the best decision I have made for her._

He struggled to reassure himself as he removed his helmet, shaking the tears that had pooled in the bottom into the sink. As he became inebriated he moved to the living room. He sadly plopped himself down onto the couch, the only thing that occupied his mind was his bottle of wine, the reassurance that chaining her up was the best but not a good option for the situation, and y/n's cries.

He couldn't even share a room with her that night, couldn't even bring her food. He was ashamed, afraid even to look at her and the predicament she put herself in.

But according to him, it had to be done.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, baby has been sick and I haven't had time to write a whole lot. I'm putting my heart and soul into the last chapter and the epilogue for you guys though!


	31. The Worst Betrayal

 

3 days. You had been chained to your bed for 3 days. On the first day, the day after you were chained up, Kylo woke early and woke you as well. You were stiff from sleeping sitting up with your hands above your head, so when he nudged you awake you could barely move to look at him.

He took you to the bathroom and instructed you to relieve yourself. You hadn't even known you had to go right away, you were still too upset. You two stood in the middle of the bathroom staring at each other, did he expect you to pee in front of him? Another few seconds went by and Kylo darted his eyes to the toilet and then back at you. He really did want you to pee in front of him.

You were humiliated. First he truly imprisoned you in your own bedroom, now he wanted you to pee like he wasn't in the room. You grew angry, skipping the tears as you felt there was no use. Kylo was your husband and you were his wife; you weren't his dog and he wasn't your master. He had no right to be doing this to you.

You wrapped your arms around yourself tightly and shifted your weight onto your left foot-the need to go was beginning to leave you in pain. “Go away Kylo!” You shouted at him. He looked you in the eye, a very serious and irritated look washed over his face, it was almost as if he was the very first Kylo you met. The Kylo that just thought of you as a dumb whore, the Kylo that held every right to your body in his hand.

“Just leave!” You spoke again, your voice shaking subtly-your bladder was throbbing and you were afraid of losing control. Kylo answered you with an extremely cold 'no.' It nearly brought the tears to your eyes. “Kylo! Leave!” You shouted, shifting again. “Y/n you can either be civil and use the toilet or you can piss on the floor like a dog. Hurry up and pick one because I have to get to work.” Flashbacks of the first shower you were forced to take with him came to you. Did he really just call you a dog?

“Kylo, please stop punishing me like this, I'm sorry!” You begged him, he had never been this upset at you before and it broke your heart. Wasn't he just telling you he loved you the other day? What about the promise he made on your ring? He had such a cold look on his face, almost like he didn't want to be doing this either. You uttered one more small 'please' at him, hoping it would get through his skull.

It didn't.

He grasped you by your hand and pulled you out of the bathroom, you followed behind him, yelping as you felt a trickle of urine fall from you. “You wanna sit in your own piss all day? Fine. I tried to help you.” He threw you down to the floor and angrily started to redo your chains. His voice sounded strained, he was holding back his emotions.

You two fought with each other, you struggling against his attempts to chain you and him struggling to keep you under his control. Even though you fought as hard as you could you still ended up in your shackles and you now sat uncomfortably in your own warm urine. Your white nightgown was stained yellow and you could see the carpet below you was now darkened. The mortification was starting to set in, but as you opened your mouth so cry you had found yourself screaming.

Kylo had gripped the collar of your nightgown and ripped it off of you, throwing it over his own shoulder. His face was red and angry, you could see a vein popping out of his neck as he angrily roared at you. “I hate this!” He said, leaning over and grabbing his lightsaber from the dresser. He ignited it and began thrashing at anything in his path, the crackling and whizing burned in your ear drums and the sight of the red light flying around the room made your spine tingle. You couldn't get away. You sat vulnerably naked in front of your enraged husband, chained up with no where to go.

It was a nerve wracking eternity until he ceased his angry outburst, you kept waiting for the burning sensation of him plunging the lightsaber into your body. But it never came. Instead, you were staring at the back of Kylo's head. His shoulders heaved up and down with his uneven breaths. When he regained his composure he silently turned to look at you, beads of sweat raced down his forehead and the sides of his head.

“I would kill you, but I don't have the time.” He said, and without another word he turned and left the room.

You took in everything that had happened: the burning smell, the sight of the destroyed room, your naked body, Kylo's words, and finally your sketchbook, which now sat in multiple burned pieces on the floor. You weren't sure what your body was doing, how it was reacting. You felt dizzy even though you were sitting, your body began to feel very warm heavy at the same time. Slowly, your vision began to go black. It seemed as though your bodies only response was to shut down and pass out, guess there was nothing else to do at that point.

 

You woke up to your hands falling down from their position above your head, you had startled yourself and gasped as you saw Kylo standing and cutting the chains with his lightsaber. When your hands were free they hardly felt like your own hands, they were heavy and tingly with blood loss. As you were beginning to move your fingers you realized Kylo was gently sobbing above you. He held his saber in one hand and his other was in his pocket.

“I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to scare you, I'm sorry y/n.” Before his face was red with anger, now it was red in sadness from crying. You were still not sure how to react, so you sat there dumbfounded in front of him. “Here, I-I found this in Hux's desk.” Kylo squatted down in front of you and picked up your left hand. Onto your ring finger he slipped your wedding ring on, something you hadn't seen in quite some time. You stared at it idly, not sure what to think or if you should think at the time. What did this ring matter if he kept you chained to the floor like an animal? Your lower lip quivered as you looked up at him-you had to pee again.

He seemed to have picked up on you bodily functions as he unchained you and led you to the bathroom, this time he gave you some privacy by standing outside of the door but leaving it cracked. You didn't fight him as he chained your neck back up, what was the point? He was committed to keeping you chained to the end of your bed no doubt.

“I thought you'd be hungry, so I brought you this for lunch.” He grasped a bowl that had been resting on the floor next to him and set it in front of you: Oatmeal. And from the smell it had been your “favorite” flavor: Apple cinnoman. Without another word Kylo left, expecting you to eat your lunch like a good slave. You stared down at it, again more bad memories from your first three days entered and replayed themselves in your mind.

 

_Figures someone as worthless as you would like a meal as worthless as oatmeal._

You pushed the bowl to the side, decided you would rather starve than entertain Kylo as his slave.

 

Kylo returned to you that evening, his earlier emotional shifts had ended and he was his regular cool, calm, and collected self. He looked down at your untouched bowl of oatmeal, he looked extremely disappointed-at you or the oatmeal? You couldn't tell. “You...didn't eat?” His eyes met yours, a look of concern flashed over his eyes at you.

“I wasn't hungry.” You focused on his forehead, too afraid to look him in the eyes. You recalled how brave you were yesterday, how you could pep talk yourself into doing crazy things like jumping out of a window. But now you couldn't talk yourself into looking your own husband in his eyes. “What do you mean you weren't hungry? You haven't eaten anything in two days.” You bit down on your lip, he was telling the truth. You were, in all actuality, starving. You shrugged, still not engaging him further than vague body movements.

He picked up the bowl and examined it, then brought his attention back to you. “I have more food, you _will_ eat it. You'll get too thin if you don't.” You sat solemnly and silently agreed with him. He left the room and before he could come back you could smell what he had for you. Lobster, your favorite food. He reemerged with the plate: lobster and veggies. Your mouth was watering even before he set the plate down in front of you. It was still so hot, so red and so green. The steam rose from the plate and into your nostrils straight down into your gut.

It made you ill.

“Eat, y/n.” he said as he placed the fork in your lap and stared you down. Instead of looking at him you looked at your food. The smell was simultaneously making your stomach growl in hunger and churn in sickness. Swallowing some of your saliva to stop yourself from spitting up, you weakly told him you couldn't, you physically couldn't. Kylo sat himself angrily on the ground in front of you, took the plate and placed it in your lap. “I won't ask you again, eat.”

You sat still wondering if you wanted to oblige him or not, wondering what he'd do if you didn't eat. Although you knew there was next to nothing in your stomach you felt like there was a multitude of stuff rising, almost as if your insides were willing to come up in lieu of food. You reached for the fork and managed to stab a piece of meat and hold it to your face. Your brows knit together as you realized holding it closer to you was making you even more sick. You couldn't even imagine putting it in your mouth, let alone swalling.

“Kylo, I really _really_ can't eat this. I feel sick.” You placed the fork down and looked at the carpet, you knew Kylo wasn't happy with you and you weren't happy with yourself either. You remembered begging Kylo to let you have some lobster at home while you were on your honey moon, and now that he has you were so sick you couldn't eat it.

A hardened look of anger and frustration appeared on Kylo's face as he yanked the plate from your lap. He picked the fork up, put a vegetable on it, gripped your cheeks between his fingers and forced it into your mouth. “I told you you were going to eat, you are going to eat.” He said as he held your jaw shut while you ate. You gripped his wrist, wanting to scream and shake your head to stop the food from falling down your esophagus. But you remembered how he did the same thing with the birth control on your first night, choking was not something you wanted to relive.

So you allowed him to force feed you a few bites before he abruptly stopped, looking you in the eye as he set the plate down in front of you again. You were angry, mainly because now your stomach was hurting as the food tumbled around. Also because Kylo was being unreasonable. What if you vomited, would he be angry or would he understand that you were feeling ill and he forced food into your stomach?

“Are you ready to eat now or should I still feed you like a child?” Even now, a year and one marriage later, you hated when he called you a child. What you were doing was not childish, you were sick, and sick people can't eat! Rage burned inside of you (or was it your stomach acid?), Kylo had no right to be doing this to you, his own wife. He had no right to chain you up like an animal, no right to force feed you like an animal, and no right to be speaking to you like this! In an act of hostility you kicked the plate at him, the food flying up and sticking to his robes before falling into his lap and all over his pants.

“I hate you!” You screamed at him as he looked down at the mess you made. When he looked back up at you you could see the disappointment in his eyes. You knew that's not what he wanted to hear from you in the moment, but you didn't care. While you couldn't move you'd stand up for yourself as best as you could, which meant fighting with your words not your fists.

Without another word he put the plate in front of you and waved his hand in front of your face. In that instant you were starving. The tainted food sitting in front of you was a part of a three course meal, it looked delicious! Immediately you grabbed s fistful of the veggies and shoved them into your mouth as fast as you could. Your taste buds were singing as you swallowed, barely chewing as you needed to get them into your stomach as fast as you could. Once you had finished what was on the plate you moved to attack Kylo for what was on his clothes. You ripped the lobster chunks off first, then the veggies. In order to get the hair and lint off your tongue you rubbed it on the top of your pallate.

You looked around, ravenous for more food. You spied some to your right on the floor slightly behind Kylo, it looked just as good as the food that was on his shirt. So you got on your hands and knees and crawled to it as quick as you could. Once you were almost into arms reach, though, the chain clanked against the bars on the footboard and you fell back with a frustrated grunt. You tried again, and again, still not realizing the chain was not long enough to reach the food. Kylo sat back and watched in amusement as you nearly chocked yourself on your collar trying to get the food, a smile settling on his face.

You had lost count of how many times you had tried to get to the food, but you were still hungry and wanted it so bad that you tried and tried again. You feared you'd starve to death if you didn't get to the last little bit. Next to you, Kylo stood and made his way to the footboard, unfastening the chain from the bar and granting you your wish to get to the food. As soon as the chain would slack you dove for the food. Only you only got it as fast as Kylo would let you. As you pulled on your collar Kylo would either allow you to move forward by walking with you or he wouldn't by pulling back or just standing there, watching you as you struggled. Of course, you were none the wiser, you were blinded by the Force.

Just like the food on his clothing you ate the food on the carpet as fast as you could, the carpet particles had no impact on your need to be filled with morbidly delicious food. Once you had eaten all of the leftovers on the floor you had started licking the juices that stained the carpet. It was the only substance left that would nourish your starving body so you _had_ to get as much as you could. Behind you, you heard a chuckle. Kylo pulled on the chain to sit you up on your knees, you whined as you could no longer lick the carpet. You began straining once more to bend over when all reality hit you like a truck speeding down the highway.

Here you were, being walked around the bedroom by a chain on your neck like a dog, completely naked, and made to feel like you were starving so you'd eat dirty food that made you feel sick in the first place. You sat back on your ankles and turned to look at Kylo, the hurt was radiating out beginning in your chest and ending in your toes-now you really were being treated like an animal. Kylo squated down next to you and you looked away in shame. You truly hated your husband now.

“Maybe next time I tell you to eat you'll do as I say. Then I won't have to humiliate you like this.” He said, nudging his pointer finger under your chin to make you look at him. He didn't wait for a response, just pulled back on the chain until you followed him on your hands and knees back to the end of the bed. You sat sadly back in place, thinking on your sad situation and what you were just put through. The only thing missing from the entire thing was him making you call him “master” and you'd be nothing but a slave again. Forced to endure his sexual and physical abuse once more, the emotional and verbal abuse again. The thought made you want to cry all over again.

“It's time for you to go to bed.” Kylo said as he stood back up. “I'll see you in the morning.” He said before turning and leaving you, he had such a pleased grin on his face as he left, it made you sick.

No-the food you were just forced to scarf down was making you sick. So sick, you threw up all over yourself and the floor before Kylo got a chance to leave. You sat there shuddering at the green and red regurgitated mess that sat in front of you, you weren't exactly sure what you were expecting since the food made you sick before hand, was shoved down your throat, and now sat half digested in front of you. Your lower lip trembled and you didn't know what to do, you didn't know what was expected of you since you had now ruined Kylo's carpet once again.

When you looked up at him to find out you were met with a harsh slap to the face, so harsh you went flying sideways and your collar cut into the skin on the side of your neck and your injury from yesterday, you shrieked in pain.

This was the ultimate act of betrayal from your husband. His promise on the ring he recently recovered from your torturer was now severed in the most painful way emotionally and physically. He stared down at you, still with a look of anger on his face like he had done nothing wrong. You wanted so badly to take an exaggerated look at your ring just to prove a point, but what did it matter? He held the title as your husband but morally he was just a corrupt abusive man.

“Now, you'll sit in it.” He said moving away from you. Your vomit smelled awful, like vomit usually does. You couldn't stand the thought of sitting in it all night long. Surely the room would smell bad and Kylo wouldn't want to sleep in it either, wouldn't he at least want you to clean it up. But he said nothing as he harshly turned on his heel and left the room, leaving you to your mess and to try and sleep with this new revelation: Kylo no longer loved you and you no longer loved him.

 

The second day was all about your ring. Kylo had unchained you so that you could shower and use the bathroom in the morning, then left once he had you chained again. While you were showering he had apparently cleaned your mess from the previous night, or hired someone to clean it for him. Your spot was nice and clean and dry, almost as if no stain had ever been there at all. You watched silently as Kylo turned and left the room- thought to be off to his usual work day.

Only issue was when he left he wasn't dressed in his usual attire and you didn't hear the blaster doors open to indicate he had left his quarters. Instead, you heard the fridge open and close and then the sound of the TV turning on, he was apparently staying home for the day.

It didn't matter, you told yourself. He was going to leave you locked up here all day anyway whether he was here or not.

So you found little things to do to occupy yourself as you did yesterday, seeing how many times you could crack your fingers and toes in a row, drawing pictures in the carpet, or simply day dreaming your new life away. It was boring, sad and boring. Your thoughts turned to your sketch book that got thrown away last night, Kylo didn't think you needed it anymore even though you could have salvaged your drawings and taped them back together. It broke your heart more than losing Kylo did honestly.

Then your attention turned to your ring, although it was pretty what did you need it for anymore? It meant nothing since Kylo broke the promise he made on it. You didn't even think of him as a husband anymore. You didn't need it, didn't want it. You took it off, played with it, spun it loosely around your fingers before it flew off and hit the door with a small smack. _Oops._ You stared as it landed with the diamond facing you on the floor, and for a split second you were worried about Kylo coming in and stepping on it and ruining it. You sighed, it meant nothing anymore! You wanted to feel like you could break it if you needed to-but no. It was still of some value to you.

Five minutes later Kylo entered the room and stopped right in front of the ring, in fact the ring was the first thing he looked at when he came in. Almost as if he had known what you had done and wanted to correct your action. He bent over and picked it up, looked at you accusingly and marched right over. “I never said you could take it off.” He said. No longer looking at you he slipped the ring on your finger gently, then turned and left. You felt as if he was making an effort not to speak or look at you anymore, like he was embarrassed about what happened yesterday.

So you sat for another hour, napped for a while, then fell bored again. You ended up playing with your ring, taking it off and admiring it. The way it shined, the way it fit so well, how round it was, you really did love it. You loved it and hated it at the same time.

You ended up throwing it across the room again, the thing didn't matter to you. You wanted it no where near you. Like clock work, Kylo got up and came into the bed room again and sought out the ring immediately. He retrieved it and walked over to you, forcing it on your finger not so gently this time, and then leaving the room again. You hummed, this was beginning to become a game.

Over time, you threw the ring anywhere around the room, trying to hide it so Kylo couldn't find it. Into the bed, behind the bed, into the bathroom, near the closet, over the TV, anywhere. But he always found it, always went right to it when he came to see you and always jammed it back onto your finger. You were having fun, it was the most entertaining thing you had to do since you were first chained up.

It was not fun, however, when you threw it and he took a while to come pick it up. You thought your childish fun was over, that he had given up on your ring as well. But that wasn't the case. He returned ten minutes later, walked over to the window where you had landed it on the sill, picked it up and forced it on you. When you saw what was in his other hand though, your fun and games were all over.

“If you won't keep your ring on, y/n, the I'll have to make you keep it on.” With a flick of his finger the blow torch flame danced to life. You screamed as loud as you could, worked hard to pull your hand out of his grasp. He brought it down close to your finger, the heat from the instrument was warming your entire body. “No! I'll keep it on! I swear!” You screeched over and over. He got closer and closer to your finger, ready to weld your ring to your finger, to melt the metal to your skin. You had to look away, you couldn't watch him burn you for the sake of a broken promise.

Suddenly, the rough noise the flame made stopped and the only noise you could hear was your trembling mumbles. You cracked open one eye, the looked over at Kylo. He was staring at you with the utmost serious look on his face. You stared back, terrified he had changed his mind and was now going to burn you-he just wanted you to watch him do it instead.

“Are you going to leave it on then?” He asked, you frantically nodded your head yes, pulling your hand out of his and clutching your ring close to your heart. “I-I promise Kylo. I'll wear it forever.” He nodded his head and replied with a mumbled 'good,' then stood to leave. Once you were alone with your thoughts again you desperately wanted the ring off. You thought for a moment if you just gently placed the ring next to you maybe he wouldn't realize you had removed it.

But then again, it's the force.

You opted to just leave it on for the rest of your life, you couldn't imagine the horror it would be to have a piece of metal welded to your finger. Better to keep it on and let it burn you figuratively than take it off and have it burn you physically.

 

The next day Kylo woke you by unchaining you momentarily. You sat on the floor and watched as he disappeared into the closet and came back with a shirt and his boxers. “You must be getting cold.” He said as he dropped the clothing next to you. “Dress.” Without hesitation you dressed as he told you, you hated sitting around his quarters naked just as much as you hated it when you first met him. It was such a small act of kindness, something usually to be appreciated but you couldn't in the moment.

As always allowed you one trip to the bathroom, rechained you and left. You had decided to catch up on some more sleep since you had nothing else to do, you couldn't play stupid games with your captor turned husband turned captor again.

When you woke you found Kylo staring at you. He had pulled a chair from the dining room in with him and was just sitting in it and staring. This made you angry, very very angry. You weren't an animal in a zoo, there simply for his amusement. You were a person, a person that didn't deserve any of this.

He had on his mask, continued to stare at you without a word. Slowly, you felt your brows knitting together, you were angry. What a coward, he couldn't even stare at his wife that he kept chained to his bed. “What, Kylo? Are you just going to stare at me like I'm an alien?” You shouted at him, he said and did nothing at your reaction. “When are you going to unchain me? How long will you punish me like this? It's cruel!” His shoulders went up and then slouched down, an indication he had sighed.

“Here's your lunch.” He said as he slid a bowl of soup out in front of you. He never gave you a chance to speak, just stood from the chair and exited the room.

As much as you didn't want to, you ate the soup spoonful by spoonful. You were starved, having not eaten much the day before. Your stomach seemed to sing to you at all hours of the day.

This entire situation was so sad, you were almost inclined to cry into your now empty bowl of soup. But there was no use or reason, tears would not break the chain around your neck. They would just get you and your new shirt yet, making you concomfortable until Kylo felt like giving you a new shirt.

Why would Kylo think this was at all a good idea for someone he had named his wife? You wondered why he didn't just kill you, I mean in the last three days he hadn't tried to fuck you or said he loved you, he hadn't said much of anything to you at all. Was he done with you now, ready to throw you away and find a new wife that could actually give him children?

You pushed the bowl away from you in frustration, you were missing all of the answers you wanted. But did it really matter, you thought to yourself. As far as you knew you were now just a trophy, something for Kylo just to look at for the rest of his life. You settled yourself down to take another nap. With nothing else to do while being imprisoned you took a lot of naps. It was an easy way to pass the time and you often found solace in your dreams. Maybe this time you'd dream of Eli, or of the baby at Larkin's compound. Boy, what you now wouldn't do to be back in his hands.

The second you set your head to the floor, ready to relax yourself to sleep, a huge explosion from outside of your bedroom jolted you up. It was so loud it rattled the bed and your chains. You could hear footsteps, the sounds of a person-no _people_ \- talking in your living room. Although the voices were muffled you could tell none of them belonged to Kylo, in fact none of them belonged to anyone you knew. “This is his quarters right? Kylo Ren, the commander of the First Order?”

Okay, that voice sounded familiar to you, but you couldn't place who it was. Larkin? No. Daniel? No. Hux? No, thank god.

“Yes, I'm sure!”

“Well then she's got to be here somewhere. He said they both lived together.” The fear set in as you realized whoever these people were they wanted you. You started to shake, what did they want with you and why didn't they want Kylo? Your thoughts quickly turned from all of the questions you had to frantically finding a place to hide. The chain could only stretch so far, your options were limited to only hiding under the bed.

“Well she has to be in one of these rooms then.” Said the voice that was familiar. Just as you managed to squeeze yourself under the bed you heard the door to Kylo's shrine open. “This must be where he keeps that mask.”

“What mask?”

“Doesn't matter kid. She must be in here.” You stilled, the only thing you could hear was the sound of your own heartbeat in your ear. For a split second you thought about calling out to Kylo in your mind, you didn't know what these people's intentions were for you and you almost thought being under his lock and key was a better idea.

But as you heard the door creek open, you changed your mind, welcoming whatever they had in store for you.

The first thing you saw was a set of brown boots step slowly into the room. Behind them stepped another set of brown boots, as if they were in uniform. They weren't storm troopers or lieutenants, you weren't even sure if they lived within the Order or not. They said nothing as they walked around the room, the silence was causing your ears to ring. You wished they'd just hurry up and kill you already.

“She's not here, I'll-I'll check these-”

There was a harsh thud sound, the soft rustling of fabric followed. “Shhh.” One of them said. You watched as both sets of feet turned their toes toward you, then took three slow steps toward the bed. The first person squatted down next to the bed inches away from your face, you held your breath. Well, they knew where you were. This was it, you'd been exposed. You closed your eyes, waiting for them to simply grab you and pull you from under the bed. It had been quite a while since someone new that you met treated you well, you were ready to get hurt by a stranger once more.

“Come on out here, kid.”

Your eyes flew wide open in complete disbelief. You knew that voice, everyone knew that voice! You crawled out as quickly as you could, wanting to see if you were hallucinating or not-you prayed to the Maker that you weren't. Once you were out in the daylight and you saw who was standing in front of you, you couldn't stop the smile that grew across your face. Someone was here to finally help you out of this awful situation!

 

“Han Solo!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for the last chapter? This is so exciting.


	32. One Side to the Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter and the next chapter I wanted to write together, but it's taking a lot longer than I anticipated to write it and I'm sure you guys want an update. That's why it's so short, lol.  
> I've also unlocked comments for people who aren't members since I'm nearing so close to the end, enjoy!

Han stood in front of you, he had aged so well. From his shaggy silver hair to his stubble, to the wrinkles on his face. He still looked like the Han Solo you remembered from when you were a child. He also had such a striking resemblance to Kylo, you thought that no matter how hard any of them tried they couldn't deny that they were related to each other. It was amazing.

“There's a little boy at our base that never stops talking about you, kid. He misses you.” You immediately knew who he was talking about. “Eli! He remembers me?” Han reached his hand out to you and pulled you the rest of the way out from under the bed. “Of course he does. He drives his parents crazy talking about Ms. Y/n.” You looked over his shoulder at the man who was standing behind him. “Oh, well you know me and we know you pretty well. This is Finn.” Finn smiled and nodded his head at you.

“You're FN-2187, you used to be a storm trooper!” Finn nodded his head at you, he had such a charming smile and was very good looking as well. “That's correct. I managed to get out with the help of another Resistance member.”

“That's right, and we're here to get you out, kid. You're coming with us.” You excitedly nodded your head, then all 3 of you looked over at your chain. A massive wave of nausea and regret flew over you. _What happens if he finds me?_ You'd be in the hands of his enemy and the only explanation you'd have would be “I wanted out and they got me out.” Not an explanation that Kylo would be looking for. “It's alright, we'll get you out of there. Finn? Grab the chain closest to her neck and stretch it out.” Han started removing his blaster and taking aim at the chain. You HAD to stop them.

“Actually, I'll stay.” You said as you sunk down to your knees. Maybe if you just sat there in a ball they'd just go away. You avoided eye contact as much as you could, but you didn't need to see them to know that they were looking at you like you had a death wish.

“What are you talking about? Come on, lets get you out of that chain.” Han seemed annoyed, his face a hard scowl as he reached for the chain. You jumped back, screaming the word 'no' at him and covering the chain with your body as best as you could. You weren't about to face Kylo's wrath because they wanted to “rescue” you. If they took you from this room it would be an instant death sentence. “Please, just leave me here, I want to stay.” You begged Han as he turned and shot a look of uncertainty back at Finn, who mirrored his confusion.

“Alright, Finn, hold her back I'm just going to blast the chain off.” Han stood and aimed his blaster closer to the bed while Finn sat down next to you and tucked your head into his chest. “No! No, please! He's going to be angry if he finds out I'm gone! He's going to kill me!” Your instincts told you to fight him, to try your hardest to get away from the man holding you back, but the sound of Han's blaster heating up told you to remain still. If these people were so hellbent on kidnapping you you would rather them take you with no blaster wounds.

“Alright, just hold still a second. It's going to be loud so brace your self.” He had one hand around resting on your back and one hand holding your head firmly in place on his chest. The action had made you felt very safe, like this stranger was going to protect you with everything he had. This was something Kylo often failed to make you feel. In fact, the only other time you could remember him holding you similarly was when he forced you to cuddle with him. This comforting hold was much different.

Then the sharp buzz of Han's blaster going off startled you, the sound of your chain rattling and then hitting the carpet caused you to look up.

You were free. But you didn't want your freedom.

You moved to reach for the now red hot chain, crying in disbelief. These people were going to get you killed, you could see Kylo's face contorting in a volatile act of rage. And when he finds you? You could see perfectly how he'd behead you with his saber. This just wasn't fair.

Han instructed Finn to grab you and take you away, you responded by grabbing onto the bars of the footboard and holding on for dear life. Finn grasped you by your torso and legs and was pulling you, your arms felt as if they'd come out of their sockets. The entire time you were screaming, looking at the bed terrified of being yanked from the room against your will. It looked similar to the bed you lost your virginity to, the bed you had been hate fucked in, the bed you made love in; the bed where you cried, laughed, kissed, cuddled, bled, bruised, and bounced sat in front of you. As Han forcibly unlatched your fingers from the bars you stared at it, and as Finn sloppily hoisted you over his shoulder and turned to leave, you said your final goodbyes to it. Because even if you made it to the resistance base alive Kylo would surely find and end you.

With you laying limp and powerless over his shoulder Finn followed Han out of Kylo's quarters and into the hallway. In the distance you could hear more blaster shots, and just as the three of you started making your way down the hallway to the left you heard the unmistakable sound of a certain wookie calling out to his friend. You looked up and couldn't hide your little bit of an excited smile at the sight of Chewbacca. Even he had aged very well.

“There you are Chewie!” Han said as you were turned around. Chewbacca made some noises, to which Han answered “I know, we have her now we can get out of this god awful place.”

“Yeah that's great, Chewie will you take her?” Chewbacca made his same noises, you wished at the time you would have learned his language. It was weird that Han and Finn were both so fluent, but you hadn't the slightest idea as to what he was saying. “Because she refused to come with us.” Finn answered him, and then you were passed from man to wookie with a grunt. You gripped onto Chewie's fur, it was soft and warm and provided you solace in this distressing time.

“Yeah you're telling me.” Han mumbled in response to Chewbacca's noises. “Listen, get her to the Falcon, make sure she's safe and healthy. I'll be right behind you.” Han sad as he walked past you, the opposite direction you had been going before. “Wait, what? Where are you going?” Finn asked frantically. Chewbacca roared, then turned to face Han so once again. You were staring down the the empty hallway once more.

“I've got something important to do. Go on, I'll meet you at the Falcon as soon as I can.” There was a bit of hesitation from all three, you on the other hand were growing dizzy at the amount of blood rushing to your head. “Are-are you sure? By yourself? I mean there are literally thousands of troopers on this base. If you get caught-”

“I said I can handle it Finn. Now go! And not a peep out of you young lady!” You furrowed your brows at the command, it sounded too much like Kylo to disobey. You wondered if Han was as abusive as Kylo is, it would shatter your entire perception of him. You could see him beating you once you met up with him again if Finn and Chewie reported to him you were uncooperative. Was that kind of thing genetic or were you just paranoid, broken from spending so much time with his son?

So as Finn and Chewbacca ran down the halls, evading pursuing troopers and hiding in supply closets and behind large pieces of equipment in hallways, you sat silent. This was a death sentence anyway you looked at it, what was the point of fighting back?

They had managed to make it out of the base by some miracle without being detected, you were beginning to wonder if Kylo even knew that you were kidnapped. If he did you knew without a doubt Finn and Chewie would not have made it this far.

You were idly and sadly playing in Chewies fur while he and Finn ran across in the snow. The snow was something you had grown to hate, too many bad memories of your break out three days ago. It scared you being so cold out here in just a shirt and a pair of Kylo's boxers, nothing in your life was going good for you and you couldn't see anything good coming your way in the future.

“There is is Y/n, it's the Millennium Falcon. We're going to get you out of here.” Finn said up ahead of you. You knew about the Falcon, every time you had seen it somewhere it was always so big and beautiful. You especially loved the shape. You had rarely seen any other ships like it, part of you was excited to finally see the interior! It couldn't overcome your intense fear over the entire situation however.

Suddenly, Finn took in a sharp breath. “Storm Troopers!” He screamed, you looked up from the braid you were sewing into Chewies fur just in time to see the red blaster shot heading straight toward you. You screamed, Chewie spun around so fast you flew off of his shoulder and landed on your ass in the cold snow. He had removed his bowcaster and started firing back at them, hitting almost all of them. He called out over his shoulder and Finn immediately went to your side, picking you up and pulling you behind him. “Come on! We have to go!” He said, you could hardly hear him over the blasters that were flying over your head.

He held your hand as you ran barefoot through the snow behind him. The Falcon was right there in front of you, all you had to do to get to safety was get inside. Your feet were hurting, horrifying memories of losing your shoe in the frozen lake came back to you, was this even all happening? Were you hallucinating or dreaming?

That question was answered when a blaster shot grazed your arm, causing you to scream and fall back down. You were in tears, stressed out beyond belief and, at this point, ready to be killed before you even met Kylo or Han again. Your arm was burned and bleeding, the snow around you turning red and melting right before your very eyes. Waves upon waves of pain were coming from your foot and your new wound, all of this pain and suffering for what?

“Get up! You're injured we have to get you on the ship!” Finn said as he grabbed you under your arm pits and hoisted you up. You allowed your knees to buckle under your weight, falling back in to the snow. You were done, done running, done fighting, and done living. “No! Leave me here to die! Just leave me! I don't want to go with you!” The sounds of blaster shots and Chewbacca's roars and footsteps in the snow surrounded you, further reminding you this was real and you would either die, be pulled back into the hands of the First Order, or you'd find your way onto the Millennium Falcon.

Finn bit his lip and placed his hands under your knees and shoulders. “I'm not leaving you behind!” He said lifting you up. He carried you bridal style throughout the blaster fire and onto the ship, following close behind him was Chewie.

Once you were past the threshold you opened your eyes and looked around in complete awe. The interior of the Falcon was _beautiful._ It seemed like it was so much bigger than what the outside entailed, wasn't like anything you were expecting at all. You had decided that being able to actually set foot inside of the famous freighter was cool enough to make you happy that you weren't killed by Storm Troopers three minutes ago.

Finn set you down on a near by bench as soon as he could, and when Chewbacca made it on board the doors shut, leaving everyone on board with just the sounds of their foot steps and the blaster shots hitting the door. “What took you guys so long?” A female voice rang out behind you, you started to turn around to see who it was when Finn grabbed your cheeks to make you look at him. “Just fly, we have to get out of here!”

“Where's Han?” She asked, Finn removed a medical kit right in front of her. “I'll explain later, just go!” You heard foot steps as Finn removed a bottle and soaked a wash cloth with it. “Look at me, y/n. We're gonna get you feeling better.” You did as you were told, admiring Finn's facial features as he stayed concentrated on his work on your arm. When he placed the antiseptic on your wound you jumped. Not out of pain, but out of surprise and confusion.

_Y/n, I need you._

_“_ Sorry, forgot to tell you it stings.” Finn said, but you were mostly concentrated on the voice in your head. That was most definitely-

_Help me. I need you!_

Kylo? Hadn't he done this once to your before? He was directly speaking to you in your head. Apparently he was distressed, he probably knew that you were gone now. But the fact that he could talk to you in your head, did that mean he could find out where you were?

“There, good as new.” Finn said as he finished up bandaging your arm. In that moment the Falcon began roaring to life, shaking and moving as it began taking off. You were still preoccupied with Kylo's voice in your head, why did he need your help? Was he hurt? You started to feel bad, bad that you let yourself get kidnapped by these people when Kylo needed your help with something. Wasn't he your husband still?

“Circle around the base for as long as you can, hopefully we'll see Han and we can pick him up when he needs us to.” Finn called out, momentarily stepping out of the small cubicle where you were laying down. “Kylo?” You whispered, seeing if he could hear you. You weren't sure how to communicate with him, he could speak into your head but you sure couldn't speak into his.

_I just killed my own father, y/n. Help me!_

Your face went pale, all noises in the ship went silent as you replayed what Kylo had said to you.

_I just killed my father, you have to come help me!_

Yep, you definitely heard that correctly. It broke your heart to hear how afraid he sounded, how his voice was beginning to crack. “K-Kylo, it's okay. Shh, it's going to be alright.” You had tried to whisper to him nervously, but from outside the cubicle Finn heard you. He poked his face back in and asked if you were alright. You tried to nod your head and smile as best as you could, but the fact that your estranged husband was telling you he murdered his own dad and that, with the help of his enemies, you were running away from him, made you ill. “I need, I meed some water.” You said as you sat yourself up.

“Woah, woah. Relax girl. I'll get you some water. Just stay there and relax.” You nodded again, but found it difficult to relax when every 30 seconds you heard Kylo sobbing. You learned in that moment that Finn was a very transparent person. His face and tone of voice told you he was holding back many questions, he was concerned about you. You smiled at him, trying to think away the nausea. The task was almost impossible

When he returned with the water you had to get this off your chest, you hoped Kylo was just lying to you and hadn't taken Han from his friends, but you had no real was to be sure. But how would you ask? Or would you even ask? Maybe it would just be better to come right out and say what was going on in your head. But would he even know what you were talking about, did he know Kylo had the Force? He must have, he is an ex storm trooper after all.

“Hey, uh...is Han Solo, um, Kylo Ren's dad?” You felt _extremely_ idiotic and uninformed asking a question that you already knew the answer to, a question the whole galaxy knew the answer to. But Finn looked at you no, just as confused as he was before. “Yes, he is. Why do you ask?” He sat down at your feet on the couch, you gulped really hard. Your stomach twisted into tight knots and you could feel the vomit beginning to rise. “Because, he just told me he killed him.” You figured you'd save yourself the embarassment of vomiting all over him by just telling him before you had the chance to.

From there, several events were set in motion. Finn had asked you how you knew that, you had to be honest and tell him Kylo was talking to you from the base through the force. He freaked out, frantically calling Han on a small radio like device he pulled from his pocket. You watched as his eyes widened and he ran out of the room when someone other than Han answered the call.

“Han Solo is dead and lying at the bottom of a reactor pitt, and you're next Resistance Scum.”

It was Kylo, and the only reason why Kylo would have Han's radio is if he, indeed killed him. “Rey! Turn the freighter around! Han is dead!” The incredibly sad sound Chewbacca made tore your heart into two pieces. What made you feel even worse, however, was the fact that you were blaming yourself. This was all your fault, Han came to rescue you, had he not he'd still be alive. You began to cry again, Why had Kylo killed him? Did he know you were in his custody?

Rey landed the Falcon in a discreet area close to the base and stayed to comfort you while Chewbacca and Finn went to find Han. You recognized Rey from the drawing Kylo had you make of her, you were surprised to see he had gotten almost every part of her, down to her clothing, correct. You wanted to tell her about the experience, but didn't think it was the right time.

Chewbacca and Finn assumed Kylo was just lying to get them to come to him, a plan that, if it wasn't for Han's death, certainly would have worked. Finn and Chewbacca came back with battle wounds hours later, empty handed and broken hearted. They were trailed by storm troopers and Rey had to immediately fly off to keep everyone safe. You said goodbye to the base, goodbye to the snowy planet. You said goodbye to Kylo, the man who kept you on the base for nearly a year.

 _Y/n. Where_ are _you?_

 

You wanted to join everyone while they were crying, but felt like it just wasn't your place. You mourned Han Solo for different reasons than what they were mourning him for: He was your childhood hero, you looked up to him and the others (Luke and Leia), when you had no one else to look up to. They were mourning him because he was their friend. Why would Kylo do such a thing to such a beloved human being?

Why would Kylo do such a thing to his own father?

It took about 45 minutes of mourning before anyone would talk to you. It was Finn who first asked if you were alright, you couldn't answer him honestly so you just told him you were fine. He apologized about the whole situation and reminded you that it wasn't your fault. Han decided he wanted to confront Kylo Ren and it had nothing to do with you or your rescue. As much as you wanted to believe him, you couldn't. It was all your fault, and if Kylo figured out you were with the three of them you'd not only be killed but you'd get all of them killed as well.

You slouched down, rubbing your blaster wound as it started to itch and it bothered you. “I'm sorry.” You mumbled to him anyway, more for the loss of his friend than apologizing about thinking you were the reason why he died. He rubbed your knee, gave you such a sweet and reassuring smile. “It's okay, y/n.” He stood to leave your little cubicle, but before he did he stopped himself.

“We'll be arriving at our base shortly, just hang in there.” You nodded your head and smiled at him, realizing again that this was actually happening. You went from one side of the war to another in a matter of four hours. As he left you relaxed a little bit and lay down, you really did have to process this whole debacle. You were certain at this point that the only thing that would kill you was Kylo, and you were starting to look at the bright side of things thinking this was the other side of the war; they weren't completely useless as Kylo often made it seem. They could protect you, why else would they have rescued you?

You decided to rest, you had a difficult last few hours and you deserved it. You deserved a stress free sleep where you didn't have to worry about if Kylo was coming to chain you up, or wake you up to rape you, or anything like that. At the moment you were safe inside the Millennium Falcon, with three people there to protect you if necessary. For the first time in forever, you fell asleep with a smile.

 


	33. Epilogue

You made yourself as comfortable as you could within the Resistance. The first few days were torture for you. You felt like you couldn't trust anyone, not even Leia when she finally introduced herself to you. You didn't talk to anyone, just stayed inside of the little apartment you were provided on your first day.

It was small, a small one bedroom apartment that you didn't have to share with anyone else. It was bliss during the day, being able to escape the mob of people that had lots of questions for you. They were questions to fulfill the persons personal curiosities, like what was Kylo like, what did you do all day, did you have any friends? Then there was those who used you as a military weapon, wanting to know all of the Orders secrets and the ins and outs of the base. You refused to answer any of them, once you realized Kylo was not coming after you all you wanted to do was forget about him and the First Order.

On first day back while Finn was walking you to your apartment you heard a small voice behind you, a voice that sounded like music to your ears. “Miss y/n!” You turned around, wide eyed as the small, now six year old little Eli was running toward you with his arms wide open. “Eli!” You shouted, he looked almost no different than the last time you saw him. He looked so happy, and as he latched onto you as best as he could you knew he was much happier here than he ever was with you and Kylo. “Oh Eli, I missed you so much!” You said as you hugged him back. “I missed you too! And Kylo Ren. Where is he?” You pushed the urge to frown to the back of your mind, Eli obviously didn't know Kylo was now a bad guy (he'd always been a bad guy, but no doubt once Eli met him himself his perception of Kylo changed).

You had to explain to Eli that Kylo wasn't here, that he wouldn't be coming here, and that you'd tell him more about it later. It broke your heart to see his confused look, he loved Kylo so much and you knew that he associated you with him.

You sent him off with a hug, reassured him that Kylo still missed him every day just like you did, and then watched him run off with his other friends and their teachers. You realized another good thing about being in the Resistance was you would get to see Eli on a regular basis. The thought made you smile fondly.

 

You were offered a visit to a therapist on your first day. You initially refused because you didn't think you needed one really, but quickly realized a therapist would only help you. They would help you come to terms with what you were put through for the past year, help you realize what Kylo actually was to you and just how to cope with your daily feelings of guilt over Han's death and paranoia.

Your therapist brought up the fact that you were still wearing your ring and was curious to know why. You frowned, pressed your finger into the diamond and rubies. It was something you hadn't thought about since you left the First Order. You told him you didn't know, that you thought it was really pretty and just couldn't justify getting rid of it when your husband had obviously spent a lot of credits on it.

“Your husband, you are referring to Kylo right?” You nodde your head, wanting to tell him that, as far as you knew, you weren't married to anyone else. “You still consider him your husband?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, I mean. Legally, he still is. I-I'm sure my plaque with my blood is still there.”

He told you it was perfectly acceptable to want to wear your ring, that there was nothing wrong with it. You were justified in still considering him your husband, and that he was confident in a few days to weeks the feeling would go away. There wasn't any issues until the subject of love came up.

This was your therapist, there was no reason to lie to him.

You still loved him, you couldn't deny it.

You couldn't explain why, all of that time you spent together just meant so much to you. You even looked past the beatings and the torture and various forms of abuse. When you remembered Kylo during the day you remembered how he took such good care of you, your wedding and honey moon, the sweet, slow, love he made to you, it was the only Kylo you could remember.

You'd even go as far as to say you missed him.

Your therapist explained to you that it most likely was not actual love, that you were experiencing something called Stockholm Syndrome. He said you used love as a coping mechanism during the year you were with him to deal with his his strange, harmful, delusions of love he forced upon you. He told you it wasn't uncommon, and the feelings were natural for prisoners as you were. You blinked when he called you a prisoner, you hadn't felt like a true prisoner in so long. As you felt tears beginning to sting your eyes you told yourself: he's only trying to help you with your feelings and how to deal with your freedom. There's no reason to be angry or upset.

 

While your feelings of Ren were positive during the day, night time brought different feelings.

You were almost always afraid to close your eyes at night. You had the same nightmare every time you slept:

You'd jolt awake in bed to see Kylo standing in your bedroom door way, looming there without his helmet and in his full black armor. You could see every single beauty mark on his face, the dream was so realistic. You would shake, tell him to go away and to leave you alone but with the same determined and angry look on his face he'd step forward, holding his long, muscular arms out toward you like he was ready to strangle you. The dream would always end with his face above yours, his teeth barred white and clenched. You'd scream as loud as you could, then jolt awake in real life to an empty room. It was terrifying how you could feel his body weight on your chest after you woke up, and this happened every single time you went into the dream world. You never dreamed about anything else until you finally asked for help.

You and Finn became fast friends once you got settled. You two bonded over the fact that you spent a significant amount of time in the First Order. You swapped experiences here and there, talked about Kylo most often and what Finn thought he was like vs what he actually was like. He had told you one day that if you needed him he was just a few doors down and you could wake him up if you needed anything. So on your 5th night you took him up on his offer, unable to bare the thought of sleeping alone and seeing Kylo's angry face once more you creeped out in the middle of the night and headed straight to Finn's apartment.

You knocked on his door, wearing nothing but your new pajamas and wrapped in your blanket. When he didn't answer at first you thought of yourself as stupid, it was just a dream. It wasn't like Kylo could climb out and actually hurt you. You grimaced, you were being silly. The dream would stop tormenting you eventually, you just had to toughen up and deal with it. You turned to leave, took a step forward and then heard the door open behind you. You spun on your heels, Finn was standing in his door way in a pair of sweat pants and a white wife beater.

“Y/n, is everything okay?” The sound of his voice was reassuring enough, it was like collapsing into your bed after a long, tiring day. The instant comfort of his voice prompted you to run stright into his arms and wrap your arms around his neck. He awkwardly hugged you back, began rubbing your back as you cried onto his shoulder. Then you did something you hadn't done in a long time, not since your second day on the Finalizer.

“I need your help. I'm afraid.”

 

Finn's answer was to sleep on your couch that night and any other night you needed him to. You wanted to tell him it wasn't enough, that you'd feel much more at ease if he slept in the room with you, but you didn't want to scare your new friend away. So you told him he could help himself to anything in your fridge and anything on your TV, bid him goodnight, and then anxiously went back to bed.

Even knowing your friend was in your living room to help you if you needed it didn't stop the nightmares. As soon as you closed your eyes you saw Kylo standing in your door way, and just as you did every time you screamed at him and told him to go away. He ran toward the bed, arms up and ready to wrap around your neck. You opened your mouth to scream and just like that he was gone, replaced with the image of Finn running into your bedroom For a second you could have sworn it was Ren that had entered your room, the mistake nearly made you void your very full bladder.

You screamed, pressed your face into your pillow and began sobbing. You didn't want Finn to see you like this, it wasn't your intention to have him run into your bedroom while you were having a nightmare. You thought his presence in your living room would keep the nightmares away, but it didn't help at all.

Finn held you while you cried, his arms wrapped around your head, keeping it tucked into his chest. He was shushing you, trying to calm you down. This was so embarrassing, you could hardly take it. Without saying a word, you got up to use the bathroom. You splashed some cold water on your face and rubbed your eyes. This was a huge mistake: inviting Finn to sleep on your couch, letting him steal you from the First Order, even all the way back from jumping out of the window. You'd never be in this situation if you hadn't tried to escape. This was all your fault.

There was a knock on the door. “Y/n, are you alright?” Finn asked. He sounded nervous, but he had something that you knew would make you feel better. You could smell it from the other side of the door.

You mustered up the courage to open the door, there Finn stood with a cup of hot chocolate, you favorite warm beverage. “I, I know you had a rough time back there. I remembered that you don't like coffee so I made you this.” He handed you the cup and you gave him a nice, warm, loving smile when you took a sip. Delicious and comforting.

“Thank you.” You bowed your head, not wanting to look him in the eye. You moved past him to go lay back down but he caught your chin, staring deep into your eyes. You felt like in that moment he was going to kiss you, something that you didn't really want from Finn but, in the moment, would have really helped you.

But he didn't. Instead he gave you exactly what you were looking for when you first asked him to help you.

It was 4 AM, and you and Finn were busy pushing your couch into your bedroom. You were too shy to ask Finn to sleep in your bed with you, fearing he may get the wrong idea and think you needed sex. All you wanted was someone to hold you just as Kylo had, you craved human touch, needing that feeling of skin on skin, your nightmare only made the need worse.

For the second time that night you told Finn goodnight and you fell asleep. Even with the other person in the room you felt extremely lonely. Silently, you cried. Cried till the sun came up two hours later and when you fell asleep again. The dream played through, only this time the couch was in the bedroom in front of the doorway that Kylo stood in. Finn was not present, which scared you even more than Kylo standing there, and when Kylo started taking steps toward you he walked right through the couch as if he was a ghost.

Even before you screamed Finn had jumped up off of the couch and was at your side in the bed, holding you close and comforting you as best as he could. Instead of getting up and pushing him away you allowed his body heat to comfort you, you needed it at the moment and you appreciated the fact that he didn't mind laying in bed with you. You rolled over and buried your face into his chest, finally content you fell back asleep.

That was the first time you hadn't had the nightmare, the first time you had dreamed about literally nothing.

 

The more comfortable you became with Finn, the more you realized you had a burning desire to get a wretched feeling off of your chest. Other than the blow job you were almost forced to give Hux, the only person you had ever had sex with in your young life was Kylo. You had wondered if, due to the many times he had forced you under him, he had ruined you. Had he trained your body to only want his, or were you capable of performing the act with another person? The thought hit you on your second day in the Resistance, you _needed_ to know.

You had two other friends in the Resistance, Rey and Poe. Out of your three closest friends you knew you would want to do the deed with you, but you were worried he'd be too creeped out or nervous or something. I mean, you guys were just friends after all, you had only known each other for two weeks. This was taking things to a whole new level. And what if your body was ruined? What if you get in bed with Finn and end up panicking because sex just wasn't the same without Kylo? Finn would probably want nothing to do with you at all.

If all else failed, you could ask Rey or Poe to help you, surely one of the three would help you with this issue.

 

As it turned out, you got two of them to help you: both Finn and Rey. You talked it over with Finn one night, explained to him how important it was to you to know your sex life wasn't ruined. You and him agreed that it wouldn't change any dynamic between you two, the sex would be be purely for healing purposes. He told you to message him whenever you were ready, so you did as soon as you got the courage to ask.

He showed up at your door ten minutes later and Rey was right behind him. You looked at her confused, then looked at Finn. “I know we didn't plan on a third person, but I explained to her what we were doing and-”

“I know what you're going through, y/n. You know that I love you and I want to help in any way that I can.” Rey was special to you. Other than Finn she took a special interest in you, almost like a big sister. She was so protective of you, in your first few days she never let you go anywhere without her and she always made sure you had anything you wanted, clothes and food and the like.

She hated Kylo Ren, she knew he was an evil bastard but didn't think he was evil enough to hold a woman hostage and routinely rape and beat her. She was extremely close to General Leia Organa, who for the most part loved her son but detested his actions and his morals. According to Rey, Leia had told her all about the terrible things Kylo (you would later learn his real name: Ben) had done to her, his family, and himself. It all broke her heart but ignited a fire in Rey's. After those torture tactics he used against her and once the Resistance discovered you in chains, her image of Ben Solo was ruined. She'd do anything to keep you safe from him.

 

You allowed Rey to join you, welcomed her embrace around you as you sat between her knees and Finn sat in front of you two. Everyone was clothed per your request-you weren't ready to see your friends nude. You three had agreed that when the time came you'd simply move your panties aside and Finn would pull his cock out through the hole in his pants.

You sweated nervously in the bed, Finn had asked you several times by now if you still wanted this, after reassuring him that you did you took a deep breath and decided it was time to get this over with. “Alright, if you need me to stop at anytime, just let me know.” Finn began undoing his fly and you closed your eyes, it wasn't that you weren't interested in seeing Finn's member, it was that you weren't ready to see it. You loved Finn, and you knew he loved you but as far as sex and love went between you two, you weren't ready to experience that quite yet. You needed to get this business deal out of the way and then you could move your relationship forward

You jumped as you felt the head of his cock press at your entrance, Rey's arms tightened around you and she placed her cheek on the top of your head. Finn moved away and asked if you were okay, to which you replied yes and begged him to keep going. You were having a harder time than you expected. The last few times you and Ren had mated were pleasant, so you were expecting sex with Finn to be okay. Not amazing, just plain sex.

Instead, you were full of anxiety and insecurity.

Finn pushed himself all the way in and you nearly gagged it was so uncomfortable. “Are you okay? Do you want him to stop?” Rey asked you, you shook your head and kept your eyes completely closed. Finn started to slowly thrust in and out of you, slow as if he was afraid of hurting you. The situation reminded you of your first time with Ren, new experience, new people, slow thrusts, and your eyes were shut. You were tempted to tell him to stop but you couldn't, you felt like you were making such good progress.

Finn's breaths began to pick up as did his thrusts, something that you weren't particularly fond of but didn't feel like mentioning. This was all apart of your specific healing process, you didn't want to be afraid for the rest of your life. He began grunting, and in between grunts he was asking if you were alright. You still refused to look at him, afraid that you'd see Kylo instead of Finn and lose your mind. You simply nodded your head, allowed him to continue at the rate he was going. It would all be over soon.

“Y/n. Is it...is it alright if, _shit”_ He rasped, you knew what he was going to say, you blurted out a yes just as you were beginning to feel some pleasure. You cracked your eyes open just a little, saw Finn's face all contorted with his impending orgasm. This part was going better than what you expected. The pleasure began seeping into your toes, you curled them thinking you'd orgasm if he'd just go a little bit further-

Then it was over. With one final grunt Finn stilled, still hard inside of you as he fought to catch his breath. You opened your eyes and saw him staring down at where your bodies met each other, pulling himself free of you. You caught sight of his cock, it was not as large as Kylo's but he was still impressively big. As his cock came free of your entrance you could see a string of his cum following its head. Suddenly, as if he just realized the consequences of his actions, he shot his head up at you, panicked.

“Should I have put on a condom? I'm sorry I forgot to ask.”

“Please, try not to worry about it. I can't have children anymore.” You said with a sigh. Neither Finn nor Rey said anything about your fertility, but you could feel the sadness in the room weighing down on you. You relaxed your head back against Rey, she stroked your hair for a few seconds before whispering in your ear: “You did good, you did just fine.” She kissed the top of your head, you felt strong, big, and important. You felt safe.

 

You and Finn grew so much closer after he helped you with your fear of sex. So close that you started a relationship with him two days afterword, and two days after that the two of you had sex for pleasure. It was great, being able to enjoy sex with someone that you loved for real, not loved as a way to cope with their abuse.

He helped you to move Kylo to the back of your mind, helped you get rid of the nightmares for good. He told you every night before you went to bed that he'd protect you from everything bad, that even if Kylo did find you within the Resistance he'd die before he'd let him lay a finger on you. You loved Finn, loved everything he stood for and loved everything you had in common. You both knew the people of the First Order were corrupt individuals, it's how you bonded and became so close. You were both prisoners to Kylo Ren, you both hated him and you were both very forgiving people, that's how you two managed to survive for so long in the Order.

 

On your first month anniversary in the Resistance you and Rey were celebrating at her house. In one month you had taken so many huge steps on your road to recovery, the fact that Rey planned a girls night to celebrate made you feel great and reflect on how far you had come. You had finally learned how to be in a real, stable, relationship based on love, not sex. You had come to terms with being infirtile, relized that if you and Finn ever wanted to have a child you had other options and you learned that you didn't even have to want a child if you really didn't want one. You made many new friends, spent lots of time with Eli, stopped constantly looking over your shoulder, and learned to live free. No longer were you locked in a two bedroom apartment all day and all night, no longer chained to Kylo's bed, no longer left completely naked and wondering when you were going to eat again or when you were going to be raped again, you were practically worry free in the resistance.

At least that was until tonight.

Rey was upset because she had started her period that day. She was complaining on and off about her cramps and her cravings. You laughed along with her, took a sip of your wine. “Aw, I wish I could help. I haven't had a period recently.” Another sip, your heart rate began to accelerate. “I-In fact I haven't had a period at all since...since I left Kylo.” Another sip, you grew queasy. “Y/n, are you alright?” You looked over at her, you had stopped counting your periods when you realized Kylo didn't have any way for you to tell the date, you had to just estimate when your periods were coming. But you realized now that you were well overdue for your period.

“I-I'm fine.” You saw Rey open her mouth, but you quickly cut her off. “No, nevermind I'm not fine.” You shivered in your seat, wrapped your arms around yourself. You couldn't possibly be pregnant, that doctor said so. The likelihood of you being able to conceive was slim to none, there was just no way.

But, there was also the nausea, the constant urge to urinate, the smell, sore boobs. “Rey!” You said, bolting up from your seat. “Y/n, what's wrong? Why are you so spooked?” You bit your tongue and looked at her, tears welled in your eyes. You were legitimately terrified. “I-I need a pregnancy test.” Rey's eyes widened, she looked full of surprise and uncertainty. “O-Okay y/n. Calm down, I can go get you one. Wait here, can you wait here?” You sat back down and hugged yourself again, this can't possibly be happening. You nodded your head, sniffing and pushing the urge to vomit back.

 

Rey came back half an hour later with one stick, this one was blue with three windows instead of two. You hadn't given it any thought when you snatched it from her hand and booked it into the bathroom.

You used it, biting your nails the entire time as you set it on the counter and let it sit for a minute and a half before running out of the bathroom and into her living room. You slammed yourself down on the couch and held your chin in your hands. Rey walked in front of you with the biggest look of pity on her face. “Are you pregnant?” She asked. You shrugged your shoulders and told her you didn't know, that the test was still sitting on the counter running its course. You couldn't be in the same room as it, the anxiety was too much. Even though the odds of you being pregnant were low, there was still a chance. And if there was still a chance that meant there was still a chance of it being Ren's. But that also meant there was a chance of it being Finn's as well. The entire situation was made up of too many 'ifs' for you, your head spun and your eyes filled with tears again.

“Well, do you want me to look?” You buried your face in your hands and nodded your head, at a complete loss for words. You were so grateful for having such a great friend like Rey, without her you weren't sure if you'd even be able to function in the moment. You heard her leave the room and open the bathroom door. Very quickly you heard her come back out, her soft footsteps alerting you of her presence. You were too afraid to look up, fearing you may accidentally see the test in her hands-if she was even holding it.

“Y/n?” She said, you picked your head up and looked at a fixed point on the wall, trying to see her out of your peripheral vision. She was standing tall like she always did, had her hands held out slightly in front of her, you could see the test but only part of it, the other in her sleeve. You shot a look over at her, fearing the worst you allowed your grimace to show. You bit your nails as you watched her face go from completely flat to bright with a smile. She had news for you, and from the look on her face you couldn't tell if it was good or bad.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this monster of a fic is finally over.   
> When I started this I said to myself that I didn't want it to be more than ten chapters. Now look at where we are!  
> This is the very first story I've ever completed start to finish, and I couldn't have done it without you guys. Thank you for your lovely comments (I never got a single hate comment), your lovely ideas, and for just enjoying it. Thank you for being patient with me when Jam was born, I know I was struggling getting the later chapters out because of him.   
> I know that's a huge cliffhanger, but I think I may write up a short sequel, I haven't decided yet. For now, I do have another on going fic I'm working on. Check it out!  
> -Much love,  
>  Jenn Noir

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published fic, and it took me about a week of convincing myself to post it cause I was so scared. Constructive criticism is welcome, just try not to be so harsh please lol. I write my chapters in advance and will try and post them weekly. Thanks for the read!


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